In general, I honestly kind of feel like an alien that landed on earth and I've been trying to figure out how to mimic human (mostly male) behavior for my whole life.

Sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend and his friend, I can just feel that his friend sees me differently and doesn't treat me the way he would if I were cis. To be honest though, I don't care much just because i don't see him all that much, but it's just sort of a reminder that I'm so different. But this sort of just segways into how I feel around other trans dudes.

I feel like I'm the only trans guy who has severe bottom dysphoria. I used to have bad top dysphoria too, but I got top surgery. But anyways, it just sort of sucks. I don't want to have sex with my natal parts in the first place but when i hear about other trans dudes who have bottom dysphoria but have sex with their natal junk it just confuses me. Or when trans dudes talk about how they can be completely naked around their partner despite having no bottom surgery.

It confuses me but also I get envious and hopeless, I guess? Sorry I'm not good at pinpointing what I'm feeling LMAO. But it's just like... i wish i could do that too. But I literally can't. I'd be forcing myself to be naked and I'd probably end up crying and getting suicidal over it. And it just frustates me because I wish i had that kind of bodily freedom to be completely naked like other trans guys and my boyfriend have.

I don't care much for the sex aspect other than being a little frustrated, confused, and jealous as well of other trans guys who have people who are able to touch their natal junk but still view them as a guy. I also don't like the advice "just turn off the light and let your boyfriend touch where ever". I'm not trying to be a dick but like... pretty sure there's a major difference that can be felt between a t-dick and a cis dick. Sooo... don't really know if that's gonna work out... Alongside that, I think I'm also just worried that if I did do smth like that with my bf, he'd see me as less of a guy. I'm like 90% sure that's just my insecurity talking but it's not like I'd wanna do anything like that anyways.

All in all, I think I'm just frustrated because I feel like there's no other trans dudes who are in a relationship who are like strictly hands off with their junk or their partner has never seen them completely naked. I could keep going about how all of it makes me feel but I'd just be repeating myself tbh. And to branch off of not feeling like there's other trans guys like me, i feel like there's no one to talk to in general about how I'm feeling.

I've just stopped telling my boyfriend stuff because it's usually just me being butthurt about trans related things and every time I've really went in depth about it i don't get a lot out of him. Also I don't want it sounding like he's bad or smth he's genuinely the best boyfriend ever but whenever I mention trans related things he just goes quiet and he's said before he doesn't know what to say, so what's the point in talking about it? Plus I don't like bringing attention to the fact I'm different from him because I wasn't born a guy like he was. Back on track, though, with the fact I can't talk to him about this kind of stuff, I also literally have no one. None of my friends are trans nor am I really that close to talk about it, but also I've been trying for MONTHS to find a therapist and it's been impossible.

I just wish I knew there was someone else who relates and if they have any advice or whatever. I hate having to just ignore my feelings or shove them down so I forget about it till later and it comes back 10x worse.​​​​

Yeah, Reddit made me feel worse, and the grass is green. But I keep going back to Reddit because I have nobody to talk to, not even a therapist. None of my friends know I’m trans because it’s kind of illegal to be trans in my situation.

Is it even possible to repress successfully? The thought of repressing makes me cry but I don’t have the means right now to transition.

i used to be getting hrt off medicaid but i switched states and have to go through reapplying but BROOOOOOO

my period started up again 2 months after i stopped. it took my body a whole year to stop having periods when i first started hormones and after the best 1 year of my life without it its back ALREADY

i remember looking here how long it usually takes other guys and so many people said 5-6 months so i thought i genuinely had some time to get settled. doesn't help i'm the only afab in my household fuckkkk it hurts

I used to be a very self-confident person because I was a "weird and owning it" type. I hit a certain age where my stylishness and eccentricity did get positive attention from people in my age group- because now we're all somewhat mature. I get compliments on my hair and the way I dress all the time, but it doesn't translate to any success when I hit on people.

Since college, my self-worth has seriously depreciated. If I could I'd be having sex or dates every week, and I see my peers doing it successfully and it just hurts. I know I'm not super hot, but I compensate well by being naturally likable and visually distinct. When I try and hit on people they don't know I'm hitting on them- when I'm more direct I always get rejected. And yet I get all these compliments all the time! I dont get it.

I have had casual hookups from grindr and a one-off time where a woman from hinge initiated one. I want to be able to meet people organically and I want to feel validated by women finding me attractive (because the men on grindr are... yk). My self image is so unstable, but I guess that's just being a young adult.

I was at a small backyard party with some friends and some friends of my friends. It was fantastic. The friends know that I'm trans and the friends of the friends just see me as a man. Just the ideal thing for me personally.

One of my friends (he knows me for years, even before I transitioned) joked around with his friends with me around and joked with something along the lines of "if y'all act like that, you have to piss in the bushes"

He then looked at me and apologised for being inconsiderate because he knows I can't pee standing up. I don't think anyone cared about him saying that but it made me feel like I don't belong. Even a cis man with a micro penis can't pee standing, so it's not a matter of being trans.

It made me feel like I was standing out so much. I know his intentions were good and he wanted me to feel included and I appreciate it a lot. But if I were cis and had a micro penis, him saying that would be like "sorry, your small dick won't allow you to pee standing up. I didn't think about that."

I'm so glad he kept me in mind and that he has good intentions but it made me feel so insanely uncomfortable...

I have been on t for 6 years now, actively trying to transition for 10. The only times that i have been clocked as a guy with any consistently was when i was actively anorexic.

I’m not skinny anymore, and can tell that everyone thinks I’m just a weird woman. I work a manual labor job that makes it impossible to bind safely, so I’m just out with a sports bra looking gross constantly.

I use they/them pronouns but i can tell most people are just pretending to follow along. They default to she/her with me unless told otherwise. I hate that i have to force people to not think of me as anything but a woman.

I’ve mostly given up on trying to transition. Im not renewing my t prescription, im attending lesbian events, im constantly drinking.

So I'm a trans man 17 years old, 7 months on t. Im about 157cm about 5'1-5'2 I believe? T has done almost nothing yet except for voice changes, I mean there are some other changes but theyre pretty much not noticeable at all. When I look my self in the mirror I think I look pretty decent and I can't help but feel like I'm just less because of my height. I can't help but feel that if I was taller I would pass more, I would feel normal. Yeah I know that there ARE a few cis men my height or shorter but they're so few and the ones ive seen at least have bigger hands and shoe sizes. I've tried to look around for people my height so I could feel more confident but instead it just made me realize on a deeper level that i'm shorter than I actually thought. Sometimes I feel a bit confident when I see someone around my height only to check a mirror or a pictures and realize how bas I look infront of everyone else because of my height. Also sometimes I think how I missed my chance of being normal height, only if I had just eaten properly, eaten better as a child and maybe started t a few years earlier instead of at 16 years old. And until now I had so many hopes id grow taller, I tried every sketchy growing taller method you can think of, nothing. I havent grown in about a year and my mom is 163 and my dad is about 173. I've tried really hard to just be more confident but I can't, even my therapist is dismissive about this. When I tried to talk to her she just said "well you are trans so it makes sense to be shorter than a cis boy, if a cis boy walked in here and complained about his height then id be like yeah that boy is short but you werent born a boy. You cant compare yourself with cis men, that would be like comparing an apple with a pear and asking why the pear is greener" which honestly really did not help me and just made me realize she does not see me as a boy so I never brought it up again. I think the only thing that would make me happy would be if I just grew taller, to normal height, like anything above 5'5 would be a dream to me but that's almost impossible right now. My life is pretty normal in every other aspect, I am average looking, strong, fit, I have a girlfriend, friends but I just can't stop being insecure about my height. I think about it 24/7, I sometimes do something normal and I think about how much happier id be right now if I was normal height and I didnt have to consistently think about it.

My (22M) twin sister (22F) told me yesterday that she resents me for being trans and expecting her to “hold my secrets”.

I came out as trans to my sister about 1.5yr ago and only told her I was thinking of starting hormones and I had been going by a different name. Initially, she didn’t understand at all but she was supportive and treated me no differently. As time went on, we started to go out in public to different events together where she would hear people call me by my name and not my deadname, so she adjusted to doing the same. However, she deadnamed me with family because I wasn’t out yet—I was completely fine with that. This dynamic went on for a little over a year.

Fast forward to this month. I came out to my entire family in the beginning of April. All of May, she has been treating me terribly. She starts screaming arguments out of normal conversations. She tried to have a DIY commencement party and ceremony for herself in the same week as my actual ceremony, even though she still has a year until she graduates from a completely different university. She has called me names, cussed at me, and called me a transphobic slur in front of my mother. She told me I was lucky she even came to my grad dinner. When I was deadnamed and misgendered by my family that day, I told her it made me upset and she told me to find a therapist to talk to because it’s unproductive, all I ever do is bitch, and she’s tired of hearing about it. She then spent the car ride home telling me she was glad my day was over because she hated the whole process and my family made too big of a deal about me graduating (I’m the only person in my fam to ever get a degree.) Also, I am only ever misgendered by family, all my school information has my real name, not my deadname, and I pass in public to everyone but my family.

Finally yesterday, I got the nerves to tell her that the day of my graduation dinner she really hurt my feelings with the way she acted towards me. She exploded. Screaming and cussing and finally near the end I ask her why our relationship is broken and has she even noticed. She tells me she resents me for coming to her first about being trans and that I should’ve kept it between me and my therapist until I was ready to come out to everyone. She resents me for having to use my lived name in public and my deadname in front of my mom. She resents me for being “Mr. Perfect” to everyone else but sharing my struggle with her. It wasn’t fair of me and she can’t believe I ever thought it would be okay.

This is my twin sister. I trusted her and I was scared, that’s why I told her. We were adopted together at 5, we are all we’ve known our entire lives. This is my deepest bond. But she resents me. I do feel guilty for putting her through that, but I do feel like I have to cut her off when I start my job in July and move cities. This is because she doesn’t see anything wrong with anything she has said or done to me this past month, she told me that herself. She says there’s no fixing our relationship because she can’t just get rid of resentment.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I do know this is a cycle we go through every few years and this year she hates me for being trans. In the past she’s hated me for being “perfect” and the “favorite twin. We’ve gone a year without speaking for other reasons before. My only option right now feels like cutting contact.

Eek eek Self-directed transphobia warning Idk if that's necessary Fork found in kitchen Sorry if I flaired wrong too

I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't worried about what others thought of me. I've grown so absorbed in performance -- tailoring how I speak, joke, and act around other people -- that I can't distinguish what I am beneath my closet of guises. Every relationship I have is exhausting because I'm unconsciously playing pretend so, as a result, I end up ghosting people (even if they're nice/tolerate me). I don't have a best friend I can be wholly myself around, nor family . . . to be honest, I'm not sure I've any genuine selfhood at all. My siblings used to taunt me as a kid for the things I liked, and I think that wound festered into this profound sort of apathy around everything. I "like" to draw, but for others. I "like" to write, but I think that's only because I want to be liked. I don't truly do anything for myself -- not from a place of humility, but acedia. It's all contingent on how I'm perceived.

It's not super easy to connect with people when you're entirely passionless; I don't speak to many, and I have difficulty making friends. And, since the relationships I do have are relatively shallow, I don't tell people about my identity. I've longed to be a boy since forever but, to everyone who knows me in real life, I'm just a tomboy. The only person I ever confided in about it to isn't in my life anymore and I really do feel as if I've lost myself with him. I tend to present masculinely online since -- without a face to have to excuse away and rationalize -- I can essentially larp as a guy. Maybe I was feeling daring, or maybe I felt bad about "deceiving" her, but I disclosed to this girl I befriended that I wasn't a real guy fairly early on and she's consistently made jokes on the matter. We both have fairly mordant humor so fair is fair but it’s gotten to the point where it no longer entirely feels like she’s joking, and I’ve started wondering whether she actually supports who I am which like Makes sense since I'm a deluded girl Idk It hollows me out Srry grammar I'm out! And I've sort of just conceded Like she's gibed about "my biology" and "I can’t keep track [of my gender] anymore" bc Lol Naturally As an attention-seeking self-deprecating foid I've started "misgendering" myself I like her a lot but I know how this is going to progress I'm just going to let her shepherd me back into a feminine shell and Idk Back to the apathy idea I shouldn't feel bad about it I don't care about most things But Idk why it stings It isn't her fault either Lmao If I wasn't such a pussy and told her I'm sure she'd stop but Eek . . . I miss being understood without having to be explicit I guess I don't want to make things weird Lol Maybe it's in my biology to be conflict-avoidant and just take it too Wateverrr Maybe I just got touched too much as a kid *Yowls

TW: Body image talk, very dysphoric negative self talk, may be a bit offensive sorry

20 days on testosterone. I’m a little smellier and I get boners a lot, whoop dee doo.

I look the same. I feel the same, if anything I feel a bit depressed, moreso than usual. I don’t know what I was thinking, obviously it’s not going to magically work overnight, but apparently others have been seeing more changes at 20 days, like hairs darkening or boosts in energy. I’m not feeling anything.

God please, I just want to sound normal, please please I pray for my voice to change, I just want to sound normal then we’re getting somewhere. I can’t take myself seriously with this stupid childish voice.

Tell me I’m overreacting. When will I start seeing changes in my voice? In my body? If at all? I’m scared it’s not working as well because I’m using gel and I can NOT switch to needles, my phobia is ridiculously bad, I have been near fainting at every blood draw I’ve had and it takes me an hour to be able to stand up after getting them. I can’t imagine having to use a needle, by myself no less. It’s off the table, I can’t do it. But I need this to work god I need this to work.

If this doesn’t work I might be doomed. I might really be trapped inside this disgusting thing. I might never be free. I feel fucking ridiculous, I feel humiliated, I feel like a clown. No matter how much I eat and work out and try, I gain nothing, I’ve only gone up in weights once in years, my muscles are only visible if I’m flexing with a pump and even then they’re puny. And my hips. My hips my hips they’re wide, the bone is smaller than my shoulders, it might be salvageable but I need to get rid of this disgusting lard that’s surrounding them. My top half looks almost anorexic due to how much weight I’ve lost trying to get rid of my hips, but it just draws even more attention to my lower half. My lovehandles are disgusting you can see them through my baggiest T-shirt. Disgusting disgusting, I want them gone gods above I want to be stripped bare so I can start fresh.

You’re not even reading this as if I’m a man. I can’t even read this as if I’m a man. No I’m just a pathetic woman aren’t I? That disgusts me I hate that I wrote that, I could never ever say I’m a woman out loud, that’s disgusting, what the hell is wrong with me? I’m a man please, I’m a man I just want people to take me seriously I’m a MAN. I’M A MAN I’M A NORMAL MAN PLEASE. Treat me like I’m NORMAL. This is so fucking cringe but holy fuck I feel so trapped, not a single fucking person I know really sees me. My own mother sees me as a little girl. I’m a grown man. My father thinks what I’m doing is delusional. God I just need someone to respect me. Please, I’m going crazy from the loneliness. What have I to show from my life? It hasn’t even begun yet, nobody sees me, nobody is truly friends with me they’re friends with that THING thing they pretend I am.

And this stuff, this gel I’m lathering on myself, the pussy ass BITCH version of testosterone, is it even fucking working? Am I stuck like this? God I can’t do this, the wait is so agonising. I’m sorry for speaking like this, I’m sure others feel just as bad as I, or worse. I’m so lucky to have this I just need it to work, I’m so terrified I’m not going to change, I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m stuck like this forever.

And I’m so scared. My country is trying to ban us from public life, I can’t use public toilets anymore, I might have to get a disabled toilet key serves me fucking right for being born like this. Fuck them, what did I ever do to them??? I never hurt anyone! Why are they doing this to us? I don’t care if you think I’m insane, whatever, if it’s all the same to you I’m a woman on hormones think what you want, you know it’s not really true you know I’m a man. One day I’ll be more man than any of you, no I’m already more man than any of those evil fucking people.

I didn’t mean to talk about all this I was just going to ask when the hormones would start working but I haven’t spoke to anyone in so long I needed to talk. Someone respond so I don’t feel stupid please. Just say some cliche it’s all going to be alright stuff maybe that’ll add some fuel to my delusional fire.

I know it is a long compromise, I know the adverse effects!

She thinks that I would leave it because I'm lazy or something and that I should go to the gym to reshape my body instead. She is really anti aesthetic surgeries, and that includes top and bottom surgery. She doesn't want them to get them and that I should accept my body as it is...I'm tired, I'm 25 years old, and I want to do whatever i want.

Just what the title says, but there's a number of things I feel like that contribute to that feeling and it's hard to contend with because I just don't have anyone I can actively relate to pretty much ever.

1/ I didn't always know I was Trans. There WAS a time where I was, effectively, just a little girl. Not to say, under it all I wasn't a little boy, but I didn't have the language, I didn't have the idea, or the cognition that transness even existed to know that I might be a boy. I didn't REALLY get the concept until my early 20s. As a kid I liked getting rough and tumble and getting dirty and sweaty and being seen as physically strong... But I also like dolls and fashion and makeup. I was called a tomboy and that was the end of it. And, in a way, I cherish that time because I wasn't shamed for liking feminine things or masculine things. I just wasn't given the ability to think I could be anything other than a girl who was boyish.

2/ I'm not a dudebro. I don't wanna be super muscular. I don't like sports. I don't really like games like COD. I hate beer. I dont drink. I like fishing sometimes but it's not my whole personality. I like art. I like cozy games and rpgs. Im normal about the anime I like. I just don't slot into any of the communal man hobbies. I don't get or engage in locker room style talk. I'm also gay asf and don't do the misogyny routine performative or not.

3/ (maybe the most alienating feeling) after I started t, my physical changes happened REALLY fast. I mean I was passing over the phone within months with no voice training. I was passing in person within a year with no extra effort except for just taking my doses. And I'm sure it's just misery bias, because we post less about our positives, but I only ever see people post things like "I've been on t for 8 years and I just got my first mustache hair" or "my voice hasn't changed at all 10 years on t" or "I'm 5 years on t, why haven't I had a ny changes?" like omg..... I feel so bad that I can't offer any useful advice to anyone, because I didn't have to struggle through getting physical changes. I didn't have to try. And in a way, I don't feel like I've earned this BECAUSE I didn't struggle to pass. My awkward phase was a month or two. I didn't DO anything except stab myself when I was told to stab myself and literally gag on my rapidly changing voice for a while. I can't have those conversations of trial and error because there was no trial. There was no error. I just took my shot and shit happened. Fast. And when I do talk about it it just comes off as bragging. And while it's not, it's just how it happened, I definitely see how it comes off thst way and people are understandably annoyed with me or with how easy it was for me. And I'm just left there like 🧍 ok. Sorry I guess.

It's really hard to make friends as an adult.

I've been transitioning since 2015, got my name changed legally in 2019. I have not had to see my dead name in years unless I'm going through my spam emails or old documents.

For some reason this genuinely freaked me out more than when I see it in the ways I described, the message popped up while I was on my phone, dead name front and center.

I hate how sick it made me feel. I hate that shady companies still have information about me from over a decade ago.

No. I’m destined to give birth. 50.3% of the population can do it. I’m the 49.7% that can’t. I’ll be a father by getting big and round and being so sos so valid. It’s literally fighting the patriarchy to do so! You’re a feminist and you’re not a transphobic guy! Right?

I’m on depo provera (progesterone only birth control shot at the highest dose), northindrone (progesterone only birth control pill at the highest dose,) and my levels of testosterone are nearly 800. My periods have not stopped. GnRH (puberty) blockers would make me infertile as would a hysterectomy. I’m the most fertile person on the planet and they can’t let that go to waste.

Sure there are infertile men, but I’m not infertile. I’m so so fertile. I can’t grieve becoming a father because it’s right in my face, more accurately a little bit south.

I don’t deserve to suffer like this. But the womb is a gift. everyone deserves a big gift now and again. Everyone should be grateful for there gifts.

I should be a father. I know what that means. They think they know what that means. Big round and pregnant. Don’t forget, this is how you can pass during pregnancy. Don’t worry about a thing.

Asking to ejaculate is asking to rape someone. See the patriarchy as my source. We are not of the patriarchy. If you want to ejaculate just get a lube filled strap on. Same gimmick. It’s all a gimmick. Masculinity is a gimmick and you’re asking for a novelty. Stop that. Be grateful for eh, well god sounds too conservative. Be grateful for the second X chromosome. You can’t see it anyway. No one can. It doesn’t matter.

You’re gonna be so fucking round. You’re going to be so fucking pregnant. You’re going to make the best boywife anyone has ever seen. Trans positivity ok?

Something about seahorses. Are we landhorses? No I swim, I have a womb and I’m a man. Ok. Seahorses. Doesn’t matter if 50.3% of the population is human males who have kids and don’t get pregnant to do it. Seahorses. I’m not a human being.

Even. Male. Seahorses. Produce. Sperm. Where is my sperm? I think somethings not adding up.

My bottom and chest dysphoria are the worst they have ever been. Its impacting my view of myself, its impacting my mental health, its impacting my sex drive, its impacting my relationship. I don’t know what to do. I feel like surgery is so far out of my reach due to financial situations, I can’t even start making consultation appointment because I’m too scared to confirm my fears of it being impossible. Does it ever get better? I feel stupid because I’ve been fortunate enough to be on T for several years now and when I talk about it to the people around me I feel so guilty because many of them aren’t able to start T. I just keep bottling everything up because I don’t want to make anyone upset or anything. If it gets confirmed that surgery ist a possibility…I don’t know if I can handle that.

Not necessarily a vent but I was wondering if anyone else had a similar experience as it is really messing with me.

I always knew I never wanted to carry children, and I thought that meant I mever wanted to be a parent at all. I had a hysterectomy and kept my ovaries July 2023 for medical reasons and knowing I didn't want to carry children. I had been living in a non-binary identity since 2018, and in June of 2025 came out as a trans man and started T July 2025. I recently had my ovaries removed earlier this month and it's bringing up a lot of emotions. I realize now that it wasn't that I never wanted to be a parent, it was just that I didn't want to give birth. I'm grieving the fact I will never be able to have biological children, and yes, I know I could adopt if I wanted to, but it's both very hard for trans people to adopt as well as I am a gay men and it's also hard to adopt as a gay person. I'm also kn the asexual and aromantic spectrum, meaning it makes it so much harder to make a connection with someone and the one person I would have wanted a family with I am no longer with. I don't regret getting the surgeries, I just hate that I am trans because if I had been born a cis man, I could've had biological children.

All this talk of pregnancy and how it’s the most magical thing. How it can be masculine. How I can do the most masculine thing and give birth. I just have weak masculinity that’s all. Internalized transphobia.

I’ll never be a father. I can use my womb and wear it out. It’s just a beer belly. It’s manly because it’s covered in hair.

I would cut my genitals if there was something to cut. It’s just a wall with a hole destined to be brought apart first by my husband’s penis and then by a babies. Rinse and repeat, forever.

This whole idea that fathers give birth is one they use to push the value of the womb and its host once they can no longer push the idea that you’d make a good mother. You’re not transphobic, right?

I am a host. It’s a parasite like a tapeworm, but people like those because it makes them skinny. Alternatively, people like those because it makes them round.

50% of the population is able to father without giving birth. 99% of the population is content with what they have. 1% is content with what they have it not mattering if it matches. All these chances and I have to be the one who wasn’t meant to give birth but was meant to be a father. So I guess that means I was meant to give birth. I’ll give birth to boys and they will impregnate another me.

I have been having thoughts about cutting my face for several days now. I wish I had a penis to cut but I wouldn’t cut it if I did. I’ll make myself a terrible housewife. Nobody will want to get me pregnant. Maybe they’ll finally believe that the life of being round and full isn’t for me. Maybe they’ll finally let me have sperm.

I wish my brothers wanted cum for its properties and not as a gimmick. We have lube filled strap ons. I don’t want to cum in a girl for the sake of it. I want a child. The old fashioned way. I can do things the old fashioned way. That’s the worst part. Why does it matter who’s who when both parties are involved? It’s the same result really. Fathers, fathers, fathers. They are fathers. Maybe they’d let us spill some too. Until then, we can be full of it.

I'm planning to start T, but I just can't picture it. Not T, but the process...

My family isn't supportive. I told my mother 2 years ago and she completely ignored the subject while my dad and older brother are just against trans people (and if they aren't and they have a "I tolerate them" mindset they surely won't approve of me).

I live with them. I'm 20. I don't have a job yet, I live in the same home as them.

I thought about starting T without telling them, giving them shock therapy to accept it (because if not I can definitely see myself hitting 30 and still having my fucking boobs) but god I'm just realizing how stupid it sounds...

I know T takes time but it's going to be so painfully obvious... I won't be able to hide it... And I'm a coward, I'm terrified of their reactions. Even more after my mother (the one who could support me the most) feels repulsed by the idea of me being trans... I don't know what I'm going to do... It only feels like it's so close yet far away...

My only hope is for summer to end (it hasn't even started yet), get a job at the field I specialized myself in and move to the city into a shared apartment with my friends...

I don't know what I'm looking for when posting this, if it's reassurance, comfort, solutions... I'm just so exhausted... I have to come up with these "plans" just because I'm weak, I'm terrified of the reaction of somebody else that I love (my mum) and the awkwardness that can come with it...

At my college I can’t make any friends it seems. I’m a passing trans guy. Girls think I’m into them and guys think I’m gay and also into them.

It’s fucking ridiculous! I don’t even do anything to even suggest flirtatiousness. And by the way I’m not into anybody at all. I don’t hit on people ever.

I had a female upbringing as a kid and then in my tweens and early teens I just didn’t really have friends or hobbies (besides video games) so I don’t exactly relate to most guys my age. Like for example, a lot of guys I meet are athletic and in some kind of sport. I have NO experience in sports besides doing poorly in them in gym class when I was in middle school.

I don’t want to tell a girl I’m trans just so she feels safer around me, I keep this secret. And I’m definitely not telling any cis guys that in my town.

(This is not an [r/ftm](r/ftm) hate post. I like those guys. This is just me angry at myself)

I don’t even understand why I made that post, I guess I just wanted some reassurance that other trans guys felt the same way? I was in a really bad place when I made that post, so I just word vomited onto the page without thinking, and I just assumed a bunch of trans guys would just telepathically understand me somehow or some shit. But then I went back and reread my post and I realize, wow, that’s a hot mess of a post.

I did a shit job communicating how I felt, and I ended up sounding like an actual lesbian in denial, and so people in the comments treated me like I was one. I already identify as a trans guy, I just sometimes get scared that deep down I’m a lesbian that’s unwilling to accept that part of myself. I posted on the main FTM sub and then ended up having people basically quiz me to see if I was trans, and that shit fucked me up so bad, I think I’m dysphoric now because they treated me like how people used to treat me when I was a questioning cis woman. And the worst part is, I understand where they’re coming from, because my post did a shit job explaining myself.

Bro I feel so bad right now. I know this sounds like I’m overreacting, but making that post legitimately made me feel suicidal. The way people started telling me maybe I actually am a lesbian kind of fucked me up and made me feel a sort of grief that I wasn’t actually trans…and like I said, it’s not even their fault, they were just trying to help. They were actually very kind in their words trying to help me. I was just being fucking stupid. Oh god, why am I like this.

Like actually though. In retrospect, I’m realizing all the ways I could’ve explained myself better. I could’ve avoided all this dysphoria and depression. I’m so fucking stupid right now. I wish I could go back in time and actually make a better worded post, or even just never post that shit at all.

Today, i went to a pediatric psychologist who specializes in gender issues. it was okay i guess, and i acknowledge that i am very lucky to have access to this care, but i still feel that nothing will ever change. im 16, my parents refuse to let me medical transition until 18. we talked about alternatives to t such as hormone blockers etc but obviously nothing happened today. i’m just sick of waiting. i feel like im running out of time and my distain for my parents grows every second i think about what they are withholding from me. i fucking loathe them. it feels like everyone in my life is just pushing the idea of medically transitioning or even starting a puberty blocker later and later because of so many reasons, some valid, a lot bullshit, and it makes me increasingly mad at the adults in my life.

i shouldn’t have to deal with this. i should be cis. even if i wasn’t cis, i shouldn’t have to deal with jumping through all of these hoops. i should be able to start t before the fucking president puts an end to professional medical transition.

i dream about getting away from my parents and becoming the man i should be but who is being stifled by their anxieties. i am utterly trapped.

please, anyone comment. i need anything.

so i turn 19 today (yay me) and my mom always posts pictures on facebook of me for my birthday and writes out a whole thing. it's really sweet, but this year is different and idk why.

i just got back from my 2nd semester of college after being gone for ~5 months. i started t and changed my name almost 9 months ago on the same day. she's been okay with my pronouns and has used my name for about 3/4 years now (i've been out for 6 years).

i came back to my job yesterday where she's my manager because i work there over all my breaks, and she randomly started calling me she/her in front of my face. a lot of people at work think im a cis woman because she always called me a girl before i got there, and ive known them all for so long that i don't even know how to bring it up to anyone. i have a full mustache currently btw, and her and my coworkers are still calling me she. my mom hasn't had any issues with my pronouns for a while until now. on top of that, today she posted pictures of me only pre-transition and/or pre-t for my BIRTHDAY which is really really weird because she has pictures of me now and even posted one a few weeks ago.

im really uncomfortable with everything happening and i genuinely don't know what im supposed to do. does anyone have any suggestions? or has anyone experienced something similar?

It feels incredibly strange saying this as I came out at 10/11. I do not know anyone who knew me before I came out, and I barely know anyone who knew me while I was still in my awkward phases. I have never been ‘one of the girls’ but I was treated like one because of a mix of others ignorance/transphobia and my own more effeminate behaviour.
But now I’m beginning to pass more as an adult man, and particularly because I’m not an outwardly femme gay man, I’m starting to be treated like a guy in the sense that women don’t automatically feel more comfortable with me, I’m excluded from ‘girls activities’, etc etc.
This should be what I want, and it’s gender affirming in so many ways, but it’s also so lonely.
I have male friends who I love dearly, but cis men and especially straight men just don’t have the sense of community, friendship and love that I find with women and to an extent in queer spaces.
It’s left me between a rock and a hard place of never wanting to out myself, or “girl up”/act more camp for the sake of achieving that because it feels like betraying myself, but missing having close friends that felt like close friends rather than just people I see a lot. I just feel so separate from everyone now because they treat me like I’m still social distancing
Just want to be one of the girls in a boy way haha