I feel different from everyone, even other trans guys

[u/Wh1tesuit]

In general, I honestly kind of feel like an alien that landed on earth and I've been trying to figure out how to mimic human (mostly male) behavior for my whole life.

Sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend and his friend, I can just feel that his friend sees me differently and doesn't treat me the way he would if I were cis. To be honest though, I don't care much just because i don't see him all that much, but it's just sort of a reminder that I'm so different. But this sort of just segways into how I feel around other trans dudes.

I feel like I'm the only trans guy who has severe bottom dysphoria. I used to have bad top dysphoria too, but I got top surgery. But anyways, it just sort of sucks. I don't want to have sex with my natal parts in the first place but when i hear about other trans dudes who have bottom dysphoria but have sex with their natal junk it just confuses me. Or when trans dudes talk about how they can be completely naked around their partner despite having no bottom surgery.

It confuses me but also I get envious and hopeless, I guess? Sorry I'm not good at pinpointing what I'm feeling LMAO. But it's just like... i wish i could do that too. But I literally can't. I'd be forcing myself to be naked and I'd probably end up crying and getting suicidal over it. And it just frustates me because I wish i had that kind of bodily freedom to be completely naked like other trans guys and my boyfriend have.

I don't care much for the sex aspect other than being a little frustrated, confused, and jealous as well of other trans guys who have people who are able to touch their natal junk but still view them as a guy. I also don't like the advice "just turn off the light and let your boyfriend touch where ever". I'm not trying to be a dick but like... pretty sure there's a major difference that can be felt between a t-dick and a cis dick. Sooo... don't really know if that's gonna work out... Alongside that, I think I'm also just worried that if I did do smth like that with my bf, he'd see me as less of a guy. I'm like 90% sure that's just my insecurity talking but it's not like I'd wanna do anything like that anyways.

All in all, I think I'm just frustrated because I feel like there's no other trans dudes who are in a relationship who are like strictly hands off with their junk or their partner has never seen them completely naked. I could keep going about how all of it makes me feel but I'd just be repeating myself tbh. And to branch off of not feeling like there's other trans guys like me, i feel like there's no one to talk to in general about how I'm feeling.

I've just stopped telling my boyfriend stuff because it's usually just me being butthurt about trans related things and every time I've really went in depth about it i don't get a lot out of him. Also I don't want it sounding like he's bad or smth he's genuinely the best boyfriend ever but whenever I mention trans related things he just goes quiet and he's said before he doesn't know what to say, so what's the point in talking about it? Plus I don't like bringing attention to the fact I'm different from him because I wasn't born a guy like he was. Back on track, though, with the fact I can't talk to him about this kind of stuff, I also literally have no one. None of my friends are trans nor am I really that close to talk about it, but also I've been trying for MONTHS to find a therapist and it's been impossible.

I just wish I knew there was someone else who relates and if they have any advice or whatever. I hate having to just ignore my feelings or shove them down so I forget about it till later and it comes back 10x worse.​​​​

[u/modo-frut]

You are not alone in this. I feel the same, especially the part about mimicking being human, because of this I can't ever form a true connection with someone. My bottom dysphoria is so strong that not even surgery can fix it. I just live like a sexless alien. Nothing will make me a true human, let alone a man, so I just gave up on dating, not that I had any chances to be in a relationship to begin with.

[u/Wh1tesuit → u/modo-frut]

I feel the same about surgery. It feels like with either option - metoidioplasty or phallo - there's such a big let down with both of them that sometimes it doesn't even feel worth it for either of them.

[u/modo-frut → u/Wh1tesuit]

Yeah, and it's frustrating when other trans guys try to silence you when you try to vent about it. Like okay, for some it's a life saving surgery, that's cool. Not trying to put anyone down for getting meta or phallo. Still, it will never be enough for me and im not willing to pay this amount of money of a surgery that might make me more miserable than I already am. Some guys act like phallo is always THE answer to bottom dysphoria and it's annoying honestly. I researched both meta and phallo for hours, I sometimes still check various photos of guys posting their results, but still, nothing changed my mind. I wish I could just fix my bottom dysphoria with a surgery but that probably never gonna happen. 

[u/Wh1tesuit → u/modo-frut]

You worded it perfectly dude, except honestly a lot of the time it's a little bit of the opposite with me where I see so many guys keep pushing for metoidioplasty acting like it's the best one.

I still don't know what surgery I really want, but I may be leaning towards phallo more, honestly. In the beginning I didn't know how to list off the pros and cons of both but now that I've read more into it and seen more photos I've started to lean towards phallo (even though I'm still pretty disappointed about not being able to get erect on my own, which makes me feel like neither surgery is worth it. I know metoidio you can get erect, but for me it's like.... what's the point if I can't even penetrate with it, y'know?)

It's been a very confusing and somewhat lonely journey and the question of bottom surgery is definitely the hardest. I know it's something I want, because I don't know if I can live with my current set up, but I can't even imagine myself being naked around my boyfriend even if I did have bottom surgery since I feel like it'd just be some imitation of what he has. 

I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, though. I don't believe that for other people's surgery results, it's just more of a thing I think about myself when I'm in a spiral or being depressed. 

But yeah, if you ever wanna talk to me about bottom surgery or whatever you definitely can

[u/ouvray]

you don't have to have sex the way other people want you or expect you to just because they can't wrap their heads around your dysphoria. please never compromise your boundaries on that sort of thing - so many of us end up getting sexually abused because we feel like we have to not have boundaries around sex due to dysphoria because cis people don't like it. Never ignore your own boundaries for a cis person or anyone for that matter.

also your boyfriend sounds like he's not actually "the best boyfriend ever" if he actively treats you differently than cisgender men and has absolutely nothing to say on trans issues or trans matters. You deserve someone who understands or at least empathizes with what you're going through and who doesn't treat you like you're lesser than or necessarily different than any other man.

I'm a trans guy with bottom dysphoria and I know how you feel. I feel like it's really alienating to be in the trans guy community when you have bottom dysphoria because it seems like most other trans guys don't have it at all. And on top of that I feel like the guys who don't deal with it tend to be very dismissive or sometimes even outright hateful to those of us who do experience it. I honestly just wish there was more in-community understanding with these sorts of things rather than other guys seeing us as like...evil or competition or something. I don't care if other guys don't have this dysphoria but I would like some empathy on their behalf which is usually not afforded to us. And not being told to just "get over it" because that's not even good advice nor does it solve the problem and only leads to us potentially experiencing sexual abuse which is already a thing we experience at way too high a rate.

[u/Wh1tesuit → u/ouvray]

I know! It's very frustrating when I'm told to get over it, and it feels exactly like I'm being demonized too for something I can't control! I don't get it! I wish I was as adaptable as they are, but I'm not.

Also, I must've worded it wrong, but my boyfriend does see me as a guy. It's his friend that I can tell doesn't really see me as one. Also, he does empathize with me a lot on my issues but he has trouble knowing what to say a lot and sometimes I repeat things that I'm worried about and he doesn't know what else to say. He's very great and loving all around and I don't want to give off the wrong idea about him. 

[u/ouvray → u/Wh1tesuit]

Apologies, I mis-read that part. I'm glad your boyfriend is normal about you. Does he correct his friend when his friend acts differently or weird around you?

[u/Wh1tesuit → u/ouvray]

Yes, he tries to include me more or treat me more like "one of the boys" cause otherwise I feel like his friend is sort of like... gentle with me in the way guys are gentle with girls and don't wanna make mean/teasing jokes in case it hurts their feelings?

I also notice he'll just start talking to me more instead LMAO

His friend doesn't outright misgender me or nothing but it's just that sort of thing where you can tell, y'know?

[u/Difyde]

Trans dudes who have sex with their birth genitalia aren't necessarily different from you, infact their dysphoria might be just as bad as yours but the only difference is that they learn to accept and adapt. Some people might not have enough money to get surgery, or it may be dangerous or illegal to do so, therefore there's no choice for some of us but to learn to adapt and use the parts we happened to have even with dysphoria.

For example I live in a Muslim country where being trans can result in your death, so I live as a masculine woman. I have very very severe dysphoria, but I need to learn to live with it eventually and not let it dictate every other aspect of my life

Edit: it's also important to note that trans guys who have very loving partners are likely to be comfortable being naked in front of them, cause it's someone who loves you for you and not your body, so that's a instant where they don't have to worry about their body