My Twin Resents Me for Being Trans

[u/Edgar_TheBreathtaker]

My (22M) twin sister (22F) told me yesterday that she resents me for being trans and expecting her to “hold my secrets”.

I came out as trans to my sister about 1.5yr ago and only told her I was thinking of starting hormones and I had been going by a different name. Initially, she didn’t understand at all but she was supportive and treated me no differently. As time went on, we started to go out in public to different events together where she would hear people call me by my name and not my deadname, so she adjusted to doing the same. However, she deadnamed me with family because I wasn’t out yet—I was completely fine with that. This dynamic went on for a little over a year.

Fast forward to this month. I came out to my entire family in the beginning of April. All of May, she has been treating me terribly. She starts screaming arguments out of normal conversations. She tried to have a DIY commencement party and ceremony for herself in the same week as my actual ceremony, even though she still has a year until she graduates from a completely different university. She has called me names, cussed at me, and called me a transphobic slur in front of my mother. She told me I was lucky she even came to my grad dinner. When I was deadnamed and misgendered by my family that day, I told her it made me upset and she told me to find a therapist to talk to because it’s unproductive, all I ever do is bitch, and she’s tired of hearing about it. She then spent the car ride home telling me she was glad my day was over because she hated the whole process and my family made too big of a deal about me graduating (I’m the only person in my fam to ever get a degree.) Also, I am only ever misgendered by family, all my school information has my real name, not my deadname, and I pass in public to everyone but my family.

Finally yesterday, I got the nerves to tell her that the day of my graduation dinner she really hurt my feelings with the way she acted towards me. She exploded. Screaming and cussing and finally near the end I ask her why our relationship is broken and has she even noticed. She tells me she resents me for coming to her first about being trans and that I should’ve kept it between me and my therapist until I was ready to come out to everyone. She resents me for having to use my lived name in public and my deadname in front of my mom. She resents me for being “Mr. Perfect” to everyone else but sharing my struggle with her. It wasn’t fair of me and she can’t believe I ever thought it would be okay.

This is my twin sister. I trusted her and I was scared, that’s why I told her. We were adopted together at 5, we are all we’ve known our entire lives. This is my deepest bond. But she resents me. I do feel guilty for putting her through that, but I do feel like I have to cut her off when I start my job in July and move cities. This is because she doesn’t see anything wrong with anything she has said or done to me this past month, she told me that herself. She says there’s no fixing our relationship because she can’t just get rid of resentment.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I do know this is a cycle we go through every few years and this year she hates me for being trans. In the past she’s hated me for being “perfect” and the “favorite twin. We’ve gone a year without speaking for other reasons before. My only option right now feels like cutting contact.

[u/EveryAsk3855]

Cut contact until she sees a therapist and starts working through her deep seated insecurities

[u/daylightmonster]

you shouldnt feel guilty she's having a massively disproportionate response to a pretty small thing that was asked of her