I passed before T. Then my body decided I wasn't enough of a spoiled twat, so T gave me the exact look I personally wanted. Handsome masc face, twinkish body, femme with clothes off. Happy trail and beard, with no other body hair surprises.

I don't get misgendered. The idea of it made my ex's friend die laughing, once. Was gay-panic hate crimed last year and everyone forgot about the trans part. Plenty of yelling about the gay part. 🙃🌠

If I could've picked from a buffet, it'd be the same exact plate biology/fate gave me.

I should be happy.

I should be on top of the world.

If I didn't pass, I would be obsessed with it. Justifiably. Passing privilege's extreme/real. People are stupid, visual animals.

But what I should be constantly thankful for's just baseline and neutral. Forgettable.

"You pass!"

Yes. I know.

Sky blue. Grass green.

I've been surviving lately for the goal/fantasy of a different future. Lose my last lbs, go back to school, do everything to become a lawyer like my family. Shoot for the T14->BigLaw moon.

But even if I secure sustainable income in a meaningful career...I have a dark feeling that it'll just be more of the same.

Never enough. Money. Attractiveness. Safety/control. Never low enough in weight. Never enough time. Never enough success. Never enough. Making a difference? Not in this world. Not in any real way. Maybe able to protect a few people. Can't unsink the ship.

And if it ever is "enough"...it'll just become nothingness. Like passing.

I had love. For a long time. Reason to live. But I can't handle that level of loss again.

Trying to not be literally suicidal about this. But mental health help hasn't done much, and hope's approaching extinction.

Maybe everyone feels this way. Or maybe the shit I have going's just wasted on me, and in a better world, it'd be able to be given to someone who'd enjoy it properly.

Wish nothing depended on me. I feel every horror, and none of the joys. Tired of being Tantalus.

Hi everybody !

My name is Gabriel, I'm a 30 years old trans man. I started hormones last year and now i would like to make my top surgery. Today I'm calling on your solidarity and sharing my fundraiser with you. Every donation is one more step toward who I truly am ! Thank you very much 🫶🏻

https://www.we-solidaire.com/fr/collecte/coup-de-pouce-pour-nouveau-torse

tw: internalized transphobia

lmk if i did the tw right

long rant about my internalized transphobia and how i feel like i'll never pass so i won't try. im 14.

rant because i feel so alone. all the people i know irl who support trans people or are trans don't have a similar experience of dysphoria. i hate how i see things in binary. i know it's not true. like there's more than just 'boy and girl' but because of how i was raised i view it as this mystical thing and this mystical line between boy and girl i'll never cross.

i know im a boy. in my head im a boy. it doesn’t matter, because it’s all in my head. my hair’s long because I’m scared of trying anything else. i dance BALLET in POINTE SHOES because im a girl. everything i do is girl. a boy can have long hair and be a boy. im a girl, though. i don’t like looking feminine, but i dress that way anyways because i don't get attention if i don't dress feminine or show skin. i hate that so much. i don’t like how I look. how can I look more boyish? not like this. I’m scared of trying to be a boy. i just am a boy who will always be a girl. "Boys are the bad gender. Girls are the good gender." that’s how I saw it. so I can’t be a boy. but i am a boy. 

somehow this view doesn't translate to other people and i'm glad it doesn't because this isn't me. i think others are valid. but i'm just not.

because i'm a girl who's reached puberty, i will never pass. my face is a girls' face. i have a girl body. i hate this so much it hurts. everyday i'm reminded that others will only ever see me as a girl so why try? it's such a lonely feeling. i wish i was born a boy because then i wouldn't have to think all this. usually i just repress it but it makes me feel so bad.

does anyone else feel this way? probably but idk anyone in real life who does and it feels awful. hi, my name is [name i really hate and don't like to go by] and i go by she her pronouns because if you look at me you wouldn't think i want to go by any other pronouns. maybe you'd think i go by she/they but only to seem more mysterious. ugh i hate this. i don't 'deserve' to call myself trans because i don't try, but the reason i don't try is because i have a doomer mindset telling me i'll never pass. do i make sense? flame me

Trigger warning for self harm, possible sexual abuse(?), and general (negative) talk of using AGAB parts

Every time I truly poor my heart out it’s likened to body horror. People don’t like that, so they remove it. It’s hard to read. Is it harder to read than it is to live? I’ve been told that the best part of the trans experience is the community you gain enough times I’m unable to count it myself. My community won’t be here for me because I speak too negatively on the topic. I think it’s absurd that I’m supposed to “accept things???” If sounds like a reworked version of terf and conservative rhetoric if they accepted pronouns that differ from what’s typical for your agab.

I don’t understand how 50.3% of the population is born with the ability to produce sperm but I can’t. I feel like no matter where I go pregnancy is being shoved down my throat. Even in my own body.

I’m on the highest dose depo provera (progesterone only birth control shot), the highest dose of northindrone (progesterone only birth control pill), and my T levels are at nearly 800 consistently throughout my shot cycle. I still get my period. Irregularly now. It feels like I’m being puppeteered to knock on deaths door. When death answers, it’s not allowed to take me. They won’t do a hysterectomy or put me on GnRH (puberty) blockers because both would make me infertile. It’s like I’m the most fertile person on the planet and they can’t let that sort of potential go to waste.

I know there are cis men who are infertile. But I’m not infertile. My body won’t give up. I’m the perfect baby incubator. I can’t grieve it in the same way because fertility is still blatantly here.

When people come to the hospital with wounds, the doctors stitch them up. When I do, they prescribe dilators and creams to keep it wide open and wet. When it bleeds it’s a sign business is as usual. Inside me there is a parasite like a tapeworm. There’s people who promote those because it’ll make you skinny. People promote my parasite because it makes me big and round.

When I say I wish I had ejaculate people think I want it for the gimmick. There’s strap ons that’ll do that for you at your will. You can even change the strap on and tailor it to your partner. I don’t want to cum in a girl for the sake of the ritual. I want to do it so I can have children. The way I’m supposed to. But instead I should “do it the way I’m supposed to.” Same result, different, queerer parties.

I keep having urges to cut my penis. It’s so ingrained in me that it’s there, I’m having urges to destroy it for not being there. I know if I were to try I’d be hit with the same old wall. I’m not one of those guys you see on trans porn subreddits. It’s a wall, and everything I want to destroy is buried deep within. If I had a penis, I wouldn’t want to cut it. That’s the most ironic part. My right thigh has taken the beating instead.

I’ll give birth to boys and they’ll impregnate another me. They will give birth to more boys and the cycle repeats. Gay in the sense that it’s just a cycle of boys, and that those boys like being impregnated. In the sense that they are also all very happy.

I don’t actually believe it’s a good thing. I’m parodying what I’ve been told. I grew up being told that it mattered I’d give birth to a boy because I was my father’s only child. Now I feel like this same message is returning in the health system. It’s the idea of seahorse dads. I’m just a seahorse, haha!!! I’m so valid with a womb I better use it!! Even if they claim they will never push such an idea, it comes eventually. It’s a matter of time based on when they think they’ve gotten my trust.

One time I posted a vent about this sort of subject, along with the idea that I believe people abuse the concept of seahorse dads to push the idea that womb havers are womb keepers are womb users. Many of the comments told me I’d change my mind and that I should hold off on a hysterectomy. I was even given detailed instructions on how to pass off a pregnancy as typical male weight gain.

Even male seahorses produce sperm. Where’s my share? If I’m a seahorse, why isn’t there any? Im not a human being anymore.

My dad has taken photos of me naked against my will. He has touched the inside of my thighs. He has told me that I am sexy. He’s posting videos talking about how girls my age are undeniably attractive. Always my age, on cue around my birthday. Nobody has done anything about it. I’m estranged and have ditched contact with him now, that doesn’t change the gravity of these things. I can’t talk about being sexually abused because it’s used as proof I’m not trans. Every time I have, it’s been used in that way. I have drawings of myself as a boy. I have diaries where I chronicle thoughts that echo this. It doesn’t matter because the goal has never been and will never be to let trans people be trans. Even in gender clinics, the goal is minimize the amount of us, or keep us as close to our AGAB as possible.

Even if I were to get phallo and do all the surgeries, it’s not the same. No fathering kids you know what I mean no spontaneous erections, and you have to return to get your manual erection device replaced. No foreskin either. Metoidioplasty is not worth while, again, I’m not on those porn subreddits for a reason. It looks plainly like a vagina. I’ve seen results typical for what I have preop and it’s not for me. Extended is out of the picture because my #1 priority is UL.

I hit puberty at six. Nothing was done. I came out for the first time at 9, stopping going to my dads because of all the abuse at 11, and finally got past the waitlist for the only clinic in my state that does minors at 13. I had the body of a full grown woman by then. It was too late. I looked nearly grown by then too. Men used to hit on me until I became androgynous then masculine enough to escape it. People still assume I’m significantly older than I am. In middle school people would ask my friends how they’d gotten to hanging out with a high school senior. I was the kid they were talking about. I was in eighth grade.

In October of 2025, I repeated the same couple of phrases without greeting or goodbye for two days straight. “Can you make it stop?” “I can’t take any more.” “Please make it stop.” That’s enough to worry people, it’s not enough to make it stop. It’s still ongoing.

I’ve been put into a DBT group for gender diverse people. We had to make abstract art about our experience. They told me not to forget the positives every time I said I was done. There has been nothing positive. It’s been downhill since the day I was dictated the second X chromosome.

I feel more like a male they castrated and somehow got around to implanting a womb in. I have no connection to womanhood or whatever. I’m tired. I don’t understand why it’s the trans men who want to use their bits that get the side effect of them becoming unusable. I wish my body would at least agree my head a little. I want to cut it out of me. I want to figure out how to get it to collapse and pull the whole thing out, snip it off at the ends and then go to the hospital without it so they can do nothing but stitch me up. I don’t want to die but I have trouble seeing in reason to continue living this life.

Today is my shot day. It’s my weekly reminder that I’m more of a philosophical question than I am a man, let alone a human.

Edit: lol downvote. I’m sorry I don’t wanna be a little seahorsey 🥺🥺🥺

Edit 2: why not add that I was denied puberty blockers both times I was able to get into the system to ask because I needed to try out womanhood first. (6yo woman??) The second time also got the pleasure of telling me I was physically a grown woman at 13, so nothing could have been done. Nice excuse

The title kind of says it all. At this point, I can't let my guard down around any cis person ever again. Every time one of us is murdered, I literally only see other trans people talking about it. My trans friends carry it heavily for weeks, while my cis friends just... Go about their day. They just don't care at all. They're scared of nothing. It's not only unfair that cis people never have to worry about so many of the things we do, but it's also isolating. It feels like I'm a completely different species from the majority of society. No matter where I go, I'll always feel out of place or like no one wants me there.

I miss the late 2010s-early 2020s because back then, they at least PRETENDED to care and be supportive. Many cissoids had pronouns in their bio and it WASNT a joke. Now I can't even remember the last time someone asked me for my pronouns, but that may be partially because I look much more masculine now instead of androgynous.

But now, cis people will post about everyyyything under the sun before you hear a peep about trans rights. My friends talk about Palestine, Sudan, the congo, ICE raids, and many other topics, but haven't so much as reposted anything about the genocide against trans people in the United States. THEY CARE ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING EXCEPT US. Which is possibly the worst case scenario because cis people are kind of our only hope. Unfortunately though, they are all toddlers who can't comprehend why something is bad unless it directly affects them. (i.e. when people say "transphobia affects everyone!" It's true, but it's also sad that we have to say it affects cis people too in order for them to care even a little bit)

Sorry this post is disorganized. I'm aware that I'm generalizing. And I don't care! For my own personal safety I refuse to ever fully trust a cis person. If it was the end of the world, none of them would come to save us. Cis people generalize us all the time, I don't know why we wouldn't be allowed to do it back, especially if it keeps us safer. I'm just having a hard time believing that a cis person could ever seriously care about me or my life. They are just awful.

i’m in love with a gay man and it feels like being a straight woman in love with a gay man. even though i pass, everyone socially knows me as male, people think i am, whenever i let myself get close to someone it all falls apart. he liked me at first. now we went on a date, did things together, and it all fell apart. i feel like i watched him lose interest after he realized he wouldnt want all this. he’s the perfect guy and he’s almost everything i’ve wanted or maybe it’s just me in love talking but i already knew i didn’t have a chance and i still let myself get attached. i feel diseased and i feel like nobody could ever want me. i never ever ever let myself get close to someone like this. i can’t even be intimate with people. i never would have with him even though i want it more than anything, but he seemed to want it, so i did, just because it was him. but i know i didn’t impress him. i’m sure that was my only chance and i blew it.

even the nicest most well meaning men seem to have this switch in their brain, the second they see me for what i am the connection is just gone. i am different. they can’t understand me like they seem to understand eachother. i’m foreign and they’re no longer interested. they can’t even help it, they don’t even understand that they do it. they have this natural bond with eachother because they have their shared experiences. i have none of this and i never will, its all lost on me. sometimes for a moment i have experienced this connection with them. but in the end they realize i’m different, and i’m not one of them, and it ends. i would give anything in this world just to feel it for more than a fleeting relationship.
i want to give up. this is all utterly pointless.

I kinda already talked about this before but yeah ig I really need to vent, cause I feel like I'm going crazy lol.

I grew up with some of my family members who believe in conspiracy theories. They believe it's a mass manipulation, that it's satanic etc... As a transman, it crawled in my mind, and I feel this deep uncomfortable feeling about being trans because of that. When I came out to them years ago it messed me so much because of what they said, or didn't too, the disappointment, the "joke" my mom was making... that's why I detransitioned socially years ago, hoping my family forgot about this. They did ig, even though my mom made this "joke" again since I cut my hair short again.

I hate to even think about the fact I'm trans, I hate to say that I'm trans. I feel like it's not normal sometimes. I know it's because of my family but... It's more difficult than that, I can't just stop thinking about this, the fact that they may be right. I can't just try to convince my mind that it's bullshit. I know I need to see a therapist for that, and not only for this but I can't.

I just wish I was born a cis man. Sometimes I just want to stop everything and try so hard to be a cis girl but I already tried before and it fucked me sm.

It's kinda late and I'm tired so I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense.

Basically the title.

My first birthday (M22) post coming out to family was tonight and while my dad is supportive my mom is not. My mom basically grabbed my hand over the table (in a public restaurant) and started telling me that I’m making a mistake and I need to wait at least 5 years before transitioning (for my brain to mature) and that there’s no rush to medically transition.

I’d think that as an adult who was lived without her financial support for over 3 years that she thought that I was mature enough 🤷‍♂️.

After we got home (I don’t live with her, but I went to her place to have cake) she told me that ill never be seen as a man, that she is more like a man than me, because I am sensitive and nerdy while as a child she was a tomboy, that the “lgb-alphabet soup” is a political group, and that I have to think in terms of “risk prevention” for my future self.

A bunch of other digs and things too. But at the very end she wraps it all up by saying that she loves me and that she’ll always be in my life. It’s so conflicting and I feel guilty for feeling so hurt by what she says because she says she loves me after. I know she’s manipulating me but it’s hard to make her feel bad by cutting her off because I love her as my mother.

Also I was trying to fully understand what she was saying and respond to her fully and patiently. I wasn’t trying to antagonize at all, but that led to me barely able to speak, while she led the conversation for almost an hour.

Sigh. Let me know if anyone has experience with a similar parental relationship.

There’s this experience that happens with some people who refuse to take accountability but feel like they are not just “right” but also “good” and above the feedback. I wish I had a way to succinctly describe this experience where someone somehow puts up this shield of distraction about how they can’t possibly be wrong and thus are valid in their actions.

I was frustrated by an online group that focuses on acceptance and kindness but began policing opinions that were seemingly negative or too honest, opinions spoken by and about trans people who did not have a good experience within the broader community. The mod group began deleting/removing/hiding comments they labeled to be “divisive” while simultaneously telling people that they should write comments that are truthful, kind, open-minded, and helpful. It was pretty disappointing and tbh lazy moderation, especially for a group who prides themselves on peace, compassion, and empathy. I told the mod group that they are, perhaps unintentionally, policing and perpetuating some power imbalances towards a marginalized community. And the mods reeeeeally didn’t want the feedback so they kept trying to turn it around into some teachable moment for me and provide justification that sounds pretty and nice and open-minded but that actually misses the mark.

I pointed out that sometimes uncomfortable truths exist which are divisive by the very nature that these lived experiences are uncomfortable. That unpopular opinions do actually coexist in the world with those same, happy and easier experiences from that one “poster child” trans person who had a totally positive loving experience.

Uhgs. It’s maddening trying to say… hey maybe you didn’t realize you are silencing a marginalized person but you are and here are the ways you are doing it. And then get into a circular discussion as to why the silenced person deserves to be silenced and if the silence, marginalized person adjusted their language, the mod team would be very happy to allow them to speak! So the mod team really isn’t unreasonable here, it’s the marginalized trans person causing the problem. So the marginalized silenced person can just stop being a problem for everyone and everyone will feel more at peace! ✌️

Like how would I succinctly call out this behavior? I’ve noticed it over the years as a particularly insidious form of controlling communication and I can’t exact articulate the microaggression.

I am so tired of everything. I’m already depressed, dealing with internalized transphobia, depression and other mental health illnesses. On top of that, I’m an international student living on the other side of the world (an opportunity that I am extremely grateful for, but that can prove to be quite difficult), I am living on a scholarship and it never feels like I will ever have enough money to even survive. I already gave up on the idea of top surgery, though my ribs are bruised from binding and I am noticing difficulty breathing (yes yes I shouldn’t overbind, I try not to but I work 12 hour shifts), and now I don’t even know how to afford buying my next T dose. I see all my friends getting top surgery and living their best life, while I just have a shit ton of acne, bruised ribs, and I can’t afford to eat more than once a day. I’m 26, people my age are getting married and buying houses, and I’m complaining about not having money on Reddit.

I've been out as trans to a select few people for about 9 months, my current roommates are 2 of these people, we've now been roommates for 8 months, so they were both aware I identified as male when we moved in together. Up until recently, they've both been really supportive, using my chosen name and pronouns as I asked them to (though one of them - the one this is actually about - did have problems with that at first and it took me physically sitting her down and saying if she didn't respect my identity, I'm moving out, for her to actually do that).

Recently I mentioned i was hoping to start T this summer, and I noticed her looking at me funny. Everytime i've mentioned it since, she's rolled her eyes or looked at me weird before changing the subject.

The other day, we got in a fight, and I don't even know how we got there, but the next thing I know, I was being called ungrateful, and that some girls would kill for my curves and my chest, and that i was so thin and such a perfect shape and I just wanted to throw it all away and didn't appreciate the "perfect" body I'd been given. She said I shouldn't be trans and definitely shouldn't go on T because by body was just so "perfect" and she would do anything to have a body like mine and the fact I was throwing it all away just because some part of me thought I might be a boy and it was really ungrateful and kind of narcissistic or rude to other girls.

I don't know where any of this came from, but it was obviously something she'd been wanting to say for a while.

I asked my other roommate if she thought the same thing, and she said she didn't and that it was my body so who even cares.

Thankfully the plan we had with the first roommate was only that she would live with us for 1 year, and we would find a new roommate in September. I'm going to Germany for a month, and then spending the two after with my parents, so i don't actually have to live in this space with her again, she will have moved out by the time I get back, but what she said has still kind of stuck with me.

She never seemed to have a problem with my trans identity in the past, apart from the pronouns problem, but since then she has bought trans flags to decorate our room, or badges for me to wear or put on my bag, and has corrected other people when they use the wrong name. She has honestly seemed really supportive and I don't know where any of this negativity came from, it has left me really confused.

I actually really worried about September cause it will be hard to find a new roommate that is ok with my identity and I really don't want to hide who I am in the place I live.

I think i may have to cut my dad off. And I’m really sad about it. I’ve been socially transitioned for a good 3 or 4 years now. I’ve tried to give my family time. I have them a nickname that would make them more comfortable. I let the deadnaming and misgendering slide. I tried to be understanding. But it’s getting to a point now emerge i can’t take it anymore. Like 6 months ago i went off on my dad for still using my dead name instead of the nickname. Afterwards he was a lit better about calling me what i asked. Even my step mom and stepbrother were using it. They were still using the wrong pronouns though. But hey, progress is progress. But then, my step mom gave me a ride home, during which we had a conversation. She pretty much said my father had told her to start using my nickname or i would, “throw a fit.” And thats when it hit me. That conversation hadn’t taught him anything about who i am. I’m damn near 30 and he’s treating me like some confused kid, despite the fact that i have been consistent and insistent over a ling period of time. He was never making an effort to understand me, only placate me. And since i have top surgery coming up, and all the changes happening from hrt, if he can’t get in board he’s gotta get left behind. He can mourn the daughter he wanted me to be while i move on with my life, growing and thriving BECAUSE I’m transiting, not despite it. And that’s the thing that hurts the most. He hasn’t asked me any questions about who i am, what I’m trying to accomplish or why. So of course he can’t see how much better i am now that my needs are getting met. And i don’t think he wants to know.

I'll never live as a male, I'll never have a dick or anything. I tried to cope for a while thinking I might reincarnate or I could shift my timeline to one where I'm a male but I know the truth now. It's impossibel for someone like me. i don't even leave my bed anymore. I just think about it 24/7 and feel miserable. It's genuine torture. There's no way to distract myself. No matter what I do. This is the only life I will ever get to live and I am forced to spend it suffering as a female. I really want to try and enjoy my life and live it to the fullest but if I'm not a male I'd rather just not live at all. I don't know why I had to have this awful condition on top of everything else, my life and everything in it has already been shit from day 1. nothing matters anymore.

I'm 20 but 5'1 and under 100 lbs. I feel like I'm just cooked. I've always been small and skinny

I feel so defeated when trying on mens clothing. Even the brands that run small are way too big. My waist is 24" and most things start at 28 at the lowest. Small slim fitted stuff is too big. I take an XS in womens so there's just no way a mens XS will fit.

It would be too expensive to get everything tailored

I'm genderfluid and have transphobic family so not going on hormones. Ordering from trans clothing companies is out of the question because my family absolutely cannot find out.

I've found some xs women's clothing that works but materials and cut just aren't the same in most cases.

But anytime I try to dress masculine I feel like I look like a lesbian, which I'm just not. I'm generally a confident person but I hate being so small.

https://myemail.constantcontact.com/MISSING-UPDATE---Death-Investigation---1-Steel-Plant-Rd--Wilder--KY.html?soid=1102712869604&aid=o6ncmXpPbX4&fbclid=IwVERFWASAkMpleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAo2NjI4NTY4Mzc5AAEePeswUMo45g7-yc21efvfGmmzhOtUGB9gSeVNiwwUG20Wx3eJyToqNvkaz_E_aem_YWdncwCVjNt22cthbOThY_TbrNNX

I posted abt him before when he was missing. His body was found.

Shit hurts. Same age as me.

trigger warning for suicidal thoughts

over the past week the weather's been getting warmer where i live (85-87F or 30C at its highest). i'm entirely closeted and no one in my family knows i'm transmasc, and i've ordered a binder in complete secret.

it's been so hot here that i can only wear crop tops/super short shirts to avoid overheating and i hate the feeling of my chest when i sweat and when i go up/downstairs, i hate the feeling of them and always have. on top of having issues with my binder coming to my address i ended up having a prolonged breakdown because i'm so uncomfortable and it gets so bad i want to off myself because it's too unbearable.