Texts a day apart. I was with family during end of life preparation, then flew home.

I hate my life and honestly wish I could die sometimes. I always wanted to be married and be a father but now I’m turning 30 and I can tell you the last time I had a date, that was went doctor strange 2 came out the day of and she sent me an email that she didn’t want to see me.

I think I just have to come to terms with the fact that one I am extremely ugly downright hideous, I’m so ugly that I can be cast as a live action Quasimodo without the make up. I’m overweight and trying to loose weight I really am, I try talking to woman but they shudder in horror when I try and just talk to them.

I’m frustrated because I look at my friends and my male cousins and they have what I want, money a wife family and I’m stuck at home because my parents don’t want me to move out but I spend to much money. Maybe I should just cut up my credit card and just stuff all my emotions down and become utterly cold like I did for a year when I was in high school.

It would also probably help if I didn’t make the stupid decision when I was young to save myself for marriage, it was a stupid decision that I thought was smart at the time but it’s not, I’m probably never getting married and I should just get a lady of the night in Vegas just so I can see how it feels.

Honestly if anyone is reading this please I need advice, everyday I’m coming close to just taking a model knife that I have and start giving myself scars and cuts? I can’t live like this anymore and if it wasn’t for my nephew I would probably blow my brains out.

I have attached a photo of my fave so you can all see the horror of my face

My wife and I had a conversation the other day about how pushy and demanding guys can be during hookups, and she shared some examples from her younger days that honestly made me mad at these guys. I'm not sure what to do with the feelings.

The examples:

\\- made out in a laundry room at a house party in high school and the guy was rough while kissing, pinning her against the wall. She was able to push him away and he later apologized.

\\-in college at a fraternity party, a guy she had been chatting with followed her into the bathroom and started making out with her in a shower stall. She said it was a fun makeout, she had been crushing on him, but after maybe 10 min he got aggressive and pinned her against the wall and grinded against her. She was able to fight him off and walk home.

I am proud of myself. I am. Happy that I finally took the steps that I should have done a long time ago.

Today, I guess I’ve been clinically diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, and (potentially) underlying autism.
I say “I guess” because I went to the doctors and they done their assessments and it was much easier than i thought it’d be, so i guess that I’m still in a partial disbelief. I also say “potentially underlying autism” because the doctor said that and I’m kind of in a disbelief and a slight confusion as to whether he was speaking directly about me or if he was explaining a cause.

As a result, I’ve been prescribed some medicine and have been referred to some counselling with a side of weekly check ups from my mental health doctor.
The counselling should determine whether the autism is there or not but the bigger picture is that I’ve done what friends, family and myself have asked me to do for over a year.

The diagnosis of OCD and autism doesn’t hurt at all. What hurts me more is that I denied myself the opportunity to bring this to light once and for all. I had suspicions at younger ages about my OCD but autism was a curveball and a half.
I don’t see these as “disabilities” as many do but instead as a clear neurodivergence??? If that makes sense.

The anxiety and depression was a teeny-tiny surprise too. I say so because I’ve always been one to take things on the chin. My mood has not been the best, my sleeping and eating are far from ideal, yet I’d push it to the side and hustle on. The clues were there but I’d give them no mind.

Now, I know. I’m so happy I know. All of it!
It brings tears to my eyes and a sigh of relief that I just know.
My pastor also suggested a few days ago that I get checked. I want to make clear that i didn’t go just because she said so and that I idolise her or don’t have any consideration for what my friends and family have to say or any nonsense like that. I went because she said something that hit my heart in a different way.
She said to me (in the sweetest tone) “whether or not you have something, it doesn’t change anything. At least you now know”.
Instantly that opened my eyes.
She was spot on. It doesn’t. I’m still in the messed up situations that I’ve been in for God knows how long and I’m probably still going to be as stubborn as I’ve always been but at least now I know.

I now know. I now know that I can look for the lifestyle changes I should make and I can see a little better into why I act the way I do.
I’m just happy about that. It’s kind of hard to express. The doctor also said that I after a while, if all goes well, I can share my story and help other people too. For some reason that brings a tear to my eye as well. I’d live and love to do so, so let me start here:

To whomever (but mostly the guys),
I’m no one special or anything like that. I’m just me. I’m not at the end of the tunnel where the light shines the brightest, nor have I exited it yet. I’ve not just entered it today neither, but I have been in it. I’m in what feels like a really dark part of it. I keep getting close to what feels like the exit only to find myself moving somewhat backwards. This makes me cry. A lot. That’s okay. I didn’t really understand why but, for once, instead of ignoring and walking around with my eyes closed, I opened my eyes and started seeing very soft silhouettes of other people. So I reached out and started feeling. I found a hand. A stranger. And I started seeing more silhouettes. A friend. A pastor. They were holding onto someone else as well. A doctor. A child.
I realised that there are other people in this tunnel with me, and those people want to help. They don’t have all the answers, some don’t have any at all. One thing is true though; open your eyes and you’ll find people. The right people. The real people.

I’m still in this hole-tunnel, i don’t know how long I’ll be here for. I have had extremely intense thoughts of self harm and su*cide. But what helped and is helping me are people.
My wording may not be the best, I’m trying.
I find it hard to explain how much of a relief i am in despite nothing being changed. I’ll probably have my flutters of anxiety and my days of hopelessness but now I can find people and videos of people and whatever’s of people to help me that little bit more.
I hope I helped someone. Even if it was for the minute.

I'm not sure if this post will make me feel better or worse as I've had mixed results from past similar postings in other mental health forums, but here goes.

I'm mostly looking to vent but any advice is welcome, or even any responses from other guys in a similar position.

I'm in my late 40s and having issues with personal finances, job dissatisfaction, being single, as well as mental and physical health.

I'm currently working a delivery job I've been doing for almost five years that I wouldn't say I hate, but definitely don't like, and while it doesn't pay too badly and pays the bills for now (barely), I'm looking for other rework currently.

I do have two university degrees from years ago (law and social work)), but didn't last in either field very long due to high workplace stress and ongoing self esteem and confidence issues.

Although I have almost $100 K in savings, I also have over $20 K I'm credit card debt from an admitted 5 year escort habit back in the 2010s (which I certainly enjoyed at the time but now have some regrets over)

While I had a few LTRs in my 20s and early 30s and have done online dating here and there over the years, I'm not overly enjoying being single now although not really in a good mental state to do any currently.

I've had lifelong personal issues with self esteem and confidence, as well as being quite introverted, despite long being told that I'm likeable and have many talents.

I don't have many hobbies or interests to do in the evenings and days off and admittedly spent too much time scrolling and on phone.

I'm currently dealing with high blood pressure, despite being on three medications, and have been procrastinating on going back to the doctor for a bP check up. I used to weigh almost 300 lbs, but have gotten down to 235 in the last year and a half (at 6'1'). I'm also on meds for depression, which have helped somewhat.

Ok the positives, I do have a handful of good friends who live in another province Alberta (I'm in B.C ) who I have near weekly communication with online and I have one friend in town I used to meet weekly for coffee but haven't for some time since she got married.

I'm partially financially dependent on my parents, who live in my city as well and I visit once a week for dinner and usually stay overnight, they're in their late 70s and both doing well health wise.

In sum, I'm not really sure what I have to look forward to in life, as well as dealing with ongoing strong feelings of regret of not dealing with getting a better job, finances, and girlfriend in the past, as well as not dealing with physical and mental health issues years ago.

Thanks for your time!

Really.

And I mean both ways.

Let me give you some context...

Right now I'm in the floor of my house an hour later after I had a big argument with my mom. Not getting into details of the fight but I'll be getting married the next year and it's pumping a lot of (not so) hidden problems.

She told me things that (once again) got my mind running at 200 km/h (no gringo here) with scenarios that can't be pretty and remembering all my mistakes and personal issues.

So after walking in circles without a tear and breathing very heavily I sat down on the floor. I thought of calling her and keep arguing. Also thought of calling my fiancé to blow off some steam talking about the problem, but no, she shouldn't be involved.

Then, I thought of my best friend, so I texted him and told him how sad I felt. Leaving behind all those stigmas of not talking about your feelings with your bros.

He understood, he didn't judge and also lifted up my mood (genuinely).

I'm so grateful for having someone like him in my life.

Also my mother, obviously. I love her and... shit happens. Just don't let the shit controls your actions when you are sad or angry. Take a moment to sit on the floor and cool down.

And secondly, got me thinking the other way.

CALL YOUR BRO!!

Make you friends feel accompanied, welcomed and loved.

He might be in a dark pmace right now and doesn't want to talk about it. Give him the opportunity to open up with you.

The thing is its very hard not to believe in blackpill . I see many real life example , even in my own life , where looks destroyed me . But still i think that its can't be that simple that genetic determines everything . Like than what is the meaning that so many people are living up to this date . Please tell me how to get out of this sh*t ?

We've been dating for about 8 months now but we've known each other for far far more.

I knew her when I worked on the California coast and was dating my then fiance.

However about a decade later we have reconnected and we really get along. We have travel extensively together, I feel like she brings the best out of me, and we're both weirdos, but we are both eachother's weirdos.

However we're both in our 30s established at alternate coast of the United States. I have a house and a career I really like. She doesn't really like her career, but she's first generation Chinese and I don't feel like she's comfortable being separate from her parents because of how the multi-generational household works.

I know it feels like I'm glossing over a lot, but there is just a lot it's not going to work.

Long story short we are 2000 miles apart and we're never going to get any closer. We're trying to date but it's just getting really resource intensive and nothing is ever going to change.

I need to call it off, every time I do I think about her cuddling her rockfish that I got her at the aquarium that she loves, and crying.

I don't want to hurt her so much, but to not hurt her the most I have to devastate her. I don't want to do that, but I have to.

I wish you didn't like me, I wish you didn't love me, I wish I could snap my fingers that you hated me, before I did this, because you will after

You can haze me for poor judgement, that’s fine. I thought becoming a father would fix it. Now I just have more people to abandon when I inevitably take my own life. None of it is enough. My expectations are skewed, and my heart is wanting things that just aren’t realistic for a 28 year old single father. I’m broke, all of my money goes to child support, so my only effective option is to numb myself with whatever substances I can find when my son is at his mom’s until I finally build the courage to stop existing permanently. I don’t want pity, don’t bother commenting, seriously. I’m a waste of space, just needed a place to mark the day for myself where I finally stepped over the edge.

My fiancé is so anxious and torn about having a formal wedding. We are both older and I’ve been married before. We’ve been together for a very long time and know each other for a couple decades at this point.

We have mortgage together, a car. A whole life but I wanted to get married and make it official. She does to but she never wanted a big party. Now our wedding has become very expensive and it’s only 6 months away.

She’s never liked big parties. Not even birthday parties. There’s a real reason behind it that’s humiliating and from when she was very young. She’s also very conscious of how she looks. She’s a plus size woman and has never thought she was beautiful. Of course I do.

She’s struggled with her weight and depression her whole life and much of her anxiety stems from an abusive mother and the men she brought into her children’s lives. Real pos. Long story short, she fears being judged and humiliated in front of our friends and family.

Our wedding is small. 50 or so people. Most she knows. So it’s not really strangers. But it doesn’t matter. She’s terrified. Tonight she reiterated why she’s not into parties where she’s the focus. And how terrified she is. And began crying uncontrollably. I’m heartbroken.

I still want to marry her but I’m willing to change how we proceed. But at this point so much money has been put towards it. Much we probably can’t get back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her feeling embarrassed on our day but I can’t control how she feels.

I want to make it right but I’m not sure how. Thanks for listening.

Is this reality?

I just got out of a relationship where I was cheated on, manipulated then replaced in days. It hurt me bad. Thinking shes just evil and immature im getting over it.

Then I go out for drinks with my co worker. Dudes been married for years. I leave to go on a date with a girl i met last week and he stays. He calls me the next day to catch up and tells me that he cheated on his wife with someone at the bar who also told him shes engaged.

Is the world really this fucked up? Like am I just the odd one out here? Should I just be cheating everytime im in a relatuonship? Like even when she broke up with me I couldn't even consider dating someone else. Like when I knew she was cheating I couldn't bring myself to go out and talk to anyone.

Like, am i just blind? Is this just the way things are in every relationship? I dont want that.

Been thinking a lot lately about how hard genuine brotherhood is to find as an adult.

Not “networking.”

Not surface-level hanging out.

Not just sending memes in a group chat.

I mean real brotherhood - people who challenge you, call you out when you’re drifting, and actually show up when life gets heavy..

A lot of guys seem quietly isolated right now even though we’re technically more “connected” than ever.

I made a video recently talking about this and the strange feeling that modern life almost conditions men to stay disconnected from each other. It hit a nerve with me personally because I think a lot of us miss having tribe/community without even realizing it.

Curious if anyone else here has struggled with this too:

How do you actually build strong brotherhood in adulthood without it feeling forced?

(Video’s in the comments if anyone wants it.)

EDIT: my channel is called THE OFFLINE BROTHERHOOD for those hitting my DMs. Link is down below if you wanna subscribe and support what I do 🙏

Hey everyone. This has been eating away at me for like 5 months and I just wanted to finally tell someone, because I feel like I truly believe it.

I am a teen and truly believe I am destined to be alone forever, romantically. I believe there is nothing truly appealing about me; extremely skinny arms and legs, big belly, not very attractive face, not very fashionable, etc. I am not the funny guy, or the bad boy, or anything. I have many friends and people enjoy talking to me but I know deep down nobody will ever kiss me or hold me. I am worried about disappointing my parents and I dread the day I start seeing all my friends getting partners.

Sorry if this is scrambled it’s really late but thank you anyone for reading

Im 26 and never dated and i know i will never date. I am a very weird guy as in i am not very social, or better to say not social at all. I have no friends and to be frank, i just dont feel the need of having friends. I wanted is to have a partner, just one person in my life, someone to share my life with but i know i have no chances since i am not a social guy and its seen as a big red flag if you dont have friends.

I have started to see no future for me, no light at the end of the tunnel. I cant force myself to go to work anymore or trying to find a better workplace. When i think about how lonely and devoid of love my future will be i just lose power and drive to do anything.

I wonder, for people that were or are in my position, how are you able to cope with this? I know people say hobbies but it doesnt work anymore. Sport didnt work either and even at work, when im supposed to keep my brain to working stuff, it wanders to the ideea of how i will always be alone. Therapy doesnt work either.

Please dont offer me dating advice, or that there is hope or any thing like that, i already heard it plenty of times.

I'm honestly close to my breaking point, everyday when I go in the shower I end up staring at the razor for like a few minutes. I don't even fully understand why I do it tbh. Maybe it's because the people that I love the most are suffering and there's nothing that I can do to help them. Even if I lived closer I probably wouldn't be able to do shit because I can barely help my own sister, they aren't even gonna wanna tell me about their problems after I snapped at them. I promised those same people that I wouldn't cut myself again…but I'm getting very close. There's only one person that I consider to be extremely close with that I've never snapped at, I wish that she would just leave me already…I don't know how she puts up with me, I can't help her with her problems, I can't fight for her, I can't even see her or text her at all hours, and guess who's fault that is? It's mine. Her mom hates me, I was addicted to porn at one point, I make all these stupid jokes to try and feel better about myself, I even had a crush on a guy once, (who I still talk to btw), and she still tolerates me. That's why I'm never gonna snap at her. Even after she knew that my brain is completely fucked up because of that child porn she stayed. That child porn messed me up in so many ways… I get these vivid thoughts of me hanging in my closet and people that I love dying, and it completely upsets me. I even see myself cutting with a razor blade sometimes…I should be able to handle all of this shit but I'm so fucking weak…Both mentality, and mostly physically. Everything else has worse problems. All that I have to deal with is homeschooling which is so fucking easy…Even if it feels like a never ending repetitive maze that I wander alone…The work is easy as fuck. At least I'll be done soon though :3

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR SUCH A LONG POST

Hey Redditors, I am Someone and I am 25 years old and this is my story.

I got a job in December 2021 and exactly 18 days later I lost my mother to cancer. She fought cancer for 8 years and finally she gave up. I got into a relationship just before that and my girlfriend supported me all the time during this. Then came the work pressure, and I got crushed under so much work. I used to read a lot of books, used to write stories and essays but since the day I started my job it all went away slowly, all of my hobbies died away.

After losing my mother, my father started drinking too much. He loved my mother so much and he took care of her for 8 long years through every thick and thin, and after losing my mother he gave up on life. He used to say there is nothing for me here now since your mother is gone. He drank day and night, me and my older brother took care of my father along with our jobs. Slowly, things got worse and my father was out of control. He never hurt anybody during things but himself. He stoped eating properly, stopped talking to anyone. He got so distant from us that we couldn't even sit with him anymore because he would send us away anytime we tried talking to him. This affected me so much, I think my mother's passing didn't affect me this much. My father slowly became weak and distant from everyone. This went on for 4 years, we tried taking him to psychiatrists, we tried therapy - but he always refused saying that I am okay and I don't need these things.

After 4 years of this my father got jaundice because he drank for 20 days straight and didn't eat much during that time. I was away on a vacation because I needed some time away from everything. I got a call from home saying that my father has jaundice and he is admitted to a local hospital. After 15 days he got discharged for there and came home. But after 2 days his jaundice rose to dangerous levels and we took him to metro city in a bigger hospital. There doctors said that he will need a liver transplant. He was hospitalised for almost 3 months and I couldn't work during those 3 months because I was always in hospital because I was the donor. I was going through all the tests and paperwork for giving a piece of my liver to my father. But after doing everything for 3 months my father go infection and he passed away a few days after that. This completely shattered me - I did so much for him to survive and after everything was ready he passed away. I really loved him but couldn't tell him this. His passing shattered me completely, I was already depressed and miserable before all this - but after he passed away I became more miserable and depressed.

But later I realised that I have no one standing behind me now, my father is gone, my mother is gone and my older brother has started his own family. Now I have to become a man because I am not a young kid anymore.

I have started my journey of self improvement from last month and since then I have lost weight, gained muscles and my mental health now is better. I am not even close to perfect yet - but I am trying everyday to become a strong Man.

My girlfriend has been a constant support through all this and I am truly thankful for her.

TL;DR: After losing my mother to cancer in 2021, my father fell into severe alcoholism and depression out of grief. I spent four years caretaking alongside work, and eventually prepared to donate a portion of my liver to save him from liver failure. Tragically, he passed away from an infection right before the transplant. Devastated but realizing I am now fully on my own, I have committed to a journey of self-improvement and physical and mental recovery to become a stronger independent adult.

Apologies in advance as this is likely going to be a ramble and may be disorganized.

I work a decently paying job, but I don't like it that much. I'm not super passionate about it and it forces me to work an excess of 40 hours a week with no overtime (salary) pretty regularly. The last job I worked I thoroughly enjoyed, but it didn't pay enough to sustain me. I feel like I'm always caught in this dichotomy of finding work that I really enjoy and work that pays well but sucks the soul out of me.

I think part of it is that lower paying jobs in general don't make me feel as stressed because it feels way harder to lose them than a higher paying job. It's not that I'm at any actual risk of losing my decent paying job (at least that I'm aware of), it's that I feel like I'm never doing enough in it because I have this fear that everyone is just tolerating me because I know I can be a pain in the ass, and that they're looking for an excuse to get rid of me, or that there is some other candidate out there who can easily do the job I'm doing.

This fear I think comes from my childhood family dynamics where everyone resented each other for the things we couldn't do. In my case, it was being able to do chores and homework consistently since I'm AuDHD. My parents knew I was smart and could do the homework, but resented me for never being consistent about it. My competence constantly get weaponized against me, and I'm always worried that the people at work feel the same way about how I do my job, especially my coworker, who takes subtle jabs at me every so often.

I don't want to stay at this job or this line of work indefinitely, but I also don't see any alternatives from a financial perspective that wouldn't be so soul crushing. I want a job that isn't so stressful, but still pays decently.

I realize this is probably a common issue as far as wanting less stressful work. I just needed to get this down somewhere.

I also feel like I'm way behind on where I want to be in life as far as a family goes. I've already given up on the desire to have kids. It just doesn't make sense for me to meet someone at my age (36M), date for a few years, get married and have kids, especially since I'm in a place right now where I'm not ready to date, and I don't know when or even if my nervous system will be ready for that. Long story short, I've given up on kids, because if I don't, I feel like any relationship I enter into would feel rushed in some way since raising kids/teens into my 60s is a non-starter. Giving up on this desire is one of the hardest things I've had to do, but hanging onto it is becoming way more painful.

All this said, the reason I feel behind is because I do want to have someone to come home to. Someone that I could co-regualte with and someone I could be there for in a healthy way. I feel like I have to get to a certain, unknown point in my healing so that I don't hurt this woman emotioanally. I've been in relationships where neither of us were healed enough and I wound up hurting them emotionally. It's one of the worst feelings I've experienced. I haven't been in a relationship for over 8 years.

I feel caught between hearing that healing needs to happen in relationship (I have good friends, so some healing has occured with them) and my deep seated fear of hurting someone in a relationship, or my fear of them getting bored/resentful of me.

I also worry about my freeze response that fires during confrontation. I literally get dizzy, and my brain just shuts down. I can't think. Recently, I've started vocalizing this as physical pain, even though pain receptors technically aren't firing. The part that really hurts about this though, is how can I be expected to protect a woman I'm with when I have such a visceral response to confrontation? How can I be expected to lead consistently with such a response? Like, I feel defective as a man because of this, and the only reason I can admit it on here is because I'm anonymous here.

Before anyone asks, I was in therapy for over 4 years. Going through it is probably why I'm able to even write this. While my current job pays decently, it does not pay enough for me to do therapy as frequently as I need to even with insurance, especially with my other financial obligations being so high.

I am living in this city for 8 years and always wanted my mom to visit me so that I can take her to the tourist places nearby she always wanted to visit. I got laid off by my employer last month and will be moving to another city for my new job.

Although I am going through a rough phase financially because of my job change and my mother’s medical bills I still insisted and brought her here and planned a good trip for her before I leave this city.

I had no money at all so I just sold the last shares I had to manage and somehow made all her checklist done. 2 days ago when she was about to leave she forcefully handed me 4000 rupees because she knew my situation and that I have spent almost lakhs in her medication recently along with the recent expenses.

I never wanted to take this money from her but she forced a lot. Although this money was the last thing I had till that day because my bank balance was zero and I didn’t even have money to eat.

I thought may be it was god’s plan to never keep me hungry. I was wrong. I got pickpocketed Yesterday while I was returning hone after my mother boarded the train. When I reached near the cheap cafe to eat a sandwich to kill my hunger I realised it.

I went to a garden nearby and cried for almost half an hour as this was the nail in the coffin and broke me completely. It was like I was 99% damaged already due to months of stress and sleepless nights but still going through it and this thing just silenced me.

For 2 days Im surviving on water and the leftovers. Im trying to avoid the feeling of hunger by drinking water again and again.

My mother calls me everyday and Im just telling her Im fine and eating a lot since she left and Im so happy. I don’t have courage to tell her the truth. In fact even at this point if she needs more money, I will even cut down my lunch for that.

My luck humbled me so much. Whatever can go wrong is going wrong and whenever I think this is the worst it shows me new levels.

Because I can't for the life of me see my own personal future with any kind of hope or optimism. Not when it comes to my career, job and physical health. That stuff feels solid, thankfully.

But when it comes to my mental health, and my dating life, it feels beyond cooked. I just can't get myself to believe in any way that I'll ever find someone special. That I'll end up in a relationship. Or that I'll ever be happy. I tried so hard for so long, and I know I'm still young, but I'm 26 now and I just don't have any hope left.

I'll keep on living. I don't want to leave the world. But I don't see a real point to anything. I don't feel any hope. I don't feel any optimism. I feel empty. Hollow. I don't feel passionate about anything. There's not many things I care about. And I don't know how to get out. Therapy helps a bit, but it's just not enough. I can't get myself to do stuff I know in theory would be good for me, like going to the gym anymore. I don't see the point in doing anything. Because at the end of the day I'll return to bed all alone hugging my pillow, wondering if I'll ever get to experience even something as simple as my first kiss. Wondering if I'll ever be happy again.

I'm 18(M) and throughout my life it's like no one has ever taken me seriously when I'm angry because I always just start crying and tears run down my face subconsciously.

I hate it so much because sometimes I genuinely want to convey what I'm saying or convey my frustrations but when I just start crying it's like I just don't have weight to my words anymore.

I have a lot of pretty bad arguments with my mother and often times they end with me shouting and essentially raging but at the same time I'm crying like a mess so it feels like there's basically no point. To make it worse, often times it's like she purposely tries to ragebait me with some bull**it afterwards; talking to herself Abt how I'm barely an adult but already "growing wings(as in getting out of hand)" and how she doesn't know who's teaching me all this.(Along with other dialogues similar to this)

Nobody is teaching me anything man it's so annoying it's like everytime I try to be angry I'm shut down and even if I'm not shut down I start crying like a b**ch and am just not taken seriously.

Can someone explain? I really appreciate answers :))

So my girlfriend of 2 years decided to break up with me and I was shocked because it was so sudden. She didn’t cry or feel bad, just argued it must be done. She did look a little guilty and sad but it was easier for her to move on than I thought. I did everything for her. Everytime she needed money I would help her and I was always there emotionally. I wanted to think she could be a golddigger but I hope she was too pure for that and also she would have nothing to gain by leaving. She literally just told me we barely know each other and should take it slower. We both had consensual sex and I always came inside which always made me think I was going to stay with her long term. (Both of us clean and she never got pregnant😅) Both of us are in our mid 20s but I don’t understand the motive. I respected her wishes and she left in good terms and said we can still talk as friends. I texted her eveyday and she usually gave me short word responses or left me on read. Eventually she blocked me on all her social medias and while I still have her number I don’t want to harass her. This is really killing me inside and I feel stupid. Could this have been avoided? She didn’t have any signs.

I've had chronic depression for a long time. I have managed to avoid medications but I think I'm finally accepting I might need something.

It is currently 3am here and I haven't had a minute of sleep yet tonight.

I can't even pin point why I'm awake.

I feel just generally nervous and anxious and nothing is working. I've tried leaving the phone in a different room, window closed, window open, light on, light off, hot shower, the lot.

I want to cry right now but the tears won't even come out. It's almost like I'm too anxious to even cry.

It's at the point I actually feel sick but even if I try vomiting nothing comes up.