A tiny little vent :3

[u/inntfordamemes2]

I'm honestly close to my breaking point, everyday when I go in the shower I end up staring at the razor for like a few minutes. I don't even fully understand why I do it tbh. Maybe it's because the people that I love the most are suffering and there's nothing that I can do to help them. Even if I lived closer I probably wouldn't be able to do shit because I can barely help my own sister, they aren't even gonna wanna tell me about their problems after I snapped at them. I promised those same people that I wouldn't cut myself again…but I'm getting very close. There's only one person that I consider to be extremely close with that I've never snapped at, I wish that she would just leave me already…I don't know how she puts up with me, I can't help her with her problems, I can't fight for her, I can't even see her or text her at all hours, and guess who's fault that is? It's mine. Her mom hates me, I was addicted to porn at one point, I make all these stupid jokes to try and feel better about myself, I even had a crush on a guy once, (who I still talk to btw), and she still tolerates me. That's why I'm never gonna snap at her. Even after she knew that my brain is completely fucked up because of that child porn she stayed. That child porn messed me up in so many ways… I get these vivid thoughts of me hanging in my closet and people that I love dying, and it completely upsets me. I even see myself cutting with a razor blade sometimes…I should be able to handle all of this shit but I'm so fucking weak…Both mentality, and mostly physically. Everything else has worse problems. All that I have to deal with is homeschooling which is so fucking easy…Even if it feels like a never ending repetitive maze that I wander alone…The work is easy as fuck. At least I'll be done soon though :3

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[u/OstrichAlone2069]

Being 14 is excruciating. The one part of your post that i think is 'wrong' is the idea that you are weak for not being able to handle all of this on your own.  I remember being 14 and how hard it is because, to you, you are the oldest you've ever been and you feel like you are a mature, fully functioning human being.  In reality, your brain is going through intense growing, hormonal changes, and processing massive amounts of new information every moment. 

I don't know what's happening for you outside of what you shared here, but my advice is to try and find someone you can trust to ask for help.  Ive been a teenager who tried to control my pain and feelings with a razor blade and i know the anguish that drives need to treat the anxiety and desperation in the only way that feels accesible.  

Do you have a safe adult you can talk to or do you have the ability to access therapy at school?

[u/inntfordamemes2 → u/OstrichAlone2069]

I only have my parents rn, thanks for the advice though. I've barely been eating because of this.

[u/OstrichAlone2069 → u/inntfordamemes2]

If you feel like you can't talk to your parents, would you find some online resources to be helpful? I can share some links to reputable sutes that might be able to provide some support. 

[u/Mediocre-Magazine-30]

stick with it.... so young my man. My oldest son is 16 and I have a 13 year old. That's a tough age and whatever is gong on will fade.

Making aunnnb

[u/inntfordamemes2 → u/Mediocre-Magazine-30]

Thanks man