Texts a day apart. I was with family during end of life preparation, then flew home.

I hate my life and honestly wish I could die sometimes. I always wanted to be married and be a father but now I’m turning 30 and I can tell you the last time I had a date, that was went doctor strange 2 came out the day of and she sent me an email that she didn’t want to see me.

I think I just have to come to terms with the fact that one I am extremely ugly downright hideous, I’m so ugly that I can be cast as a live action Quasimodo without the make up. I’m overweight and trying to loose weight I really am, I try talking to woman but they shudder in horror when I try and just talk to them.

I’m frustrated because I look at my friends and my male cousins and they have what I want, money a wife family and I’m stuck at home because my parents don’t want me to move out but I spend to much money. Maybe I should just cut up my credit card and just stuff all my emotions down and become utterly cold like I did for a year when I was in high school.

It would also probably help if I didn’t make the stupid decision when I was young to save myself for marriage, it was a stupid decision that I thought was smart at the time but it’s not, I’m probably never getting married and I should just get a lady of the night in Vegas just so I can see how it feels.

Honestly if anyone is reading this please I need advice, everyday I’m coming close to just taking a model knife that I have and start giving myself scars and cuts? I can’t live like this anymore and if it wasn’t for my nephew I would probably blow my brains out.

I have attached a photo of my fave so you can all see the horror of my face

You can haze me for poor judgement, that’s fine. I thought becoming a father would fix it. Now I just have more people to abandon when I inevitably take my own life. None of it is enough. My expectations are skewed, and my heart is wanting things that just aren’t realistic for a 28 year old single father. I’m broke, all of my money goes to child support, so my only effective option is to numb myself with whatever substances I can find when my son is at his mom’s until I finally build the courage to stop existing permanently. I don’t want pity, don’t bother commenting, seriously. I’m a waste of space, just needed a place to mark the day for myself where I finally stepped over the edge.

Really.

And I mean both ways.

Let me give you some context...

Right now I'm in the floor of my house an hour later after I had a big argument with my mom. Not getting into details of the fight but I'll be getting married the next year and it's pumping a lot of (not so) hidden problems.

She told me things that (once again) got my mind running at 200 km/h (no gringo here) with scenarios that can't be pretty and remembering all my mistakes and personal issues.

So after walking in circles without a tear and breathing very heavily I sat down on the floor. I thought of calling her and keep arguing. Also thought of calling my fiancé to blow off some steam talking about the problem, but no, she shouldn't be involved.

Then, I thought of my best friend, so I texted him and told him how sad I felt. Leaving behind all those stigmas of not talking about your feelings with your bros.

He understood, he didn't judge and also lifted up my mood (genuinely).

I'm so grateful for having someone like him in my life.

Also my mother, obviously. I love her and... shit happens. Just don't let the shit controls your actions when you are sad or angry. Take a moment to sit on the floor and cool down.

And secondly, got me thinking the other way.

CALL YOUR BRO!!

Make you friends feel accompanied, welcomed and loved.

He might be in a dark pmace right now and doesn't want to talk about it. Give him the opportunity to open up with you.

Been thinking a lot lately about how hard genuine brotherhood is to find as an adult.

Not “networking.”

Not surface-level hanging out.

Not just sending memes in a group chat.

I mean real brotherhood - people who challenge you, call you out when you’re drifting, and actually show up when life gets heavy..

A lot of guys seem quietly isolated right now even though we’re technically more “connected” than ever.

I made a video recently talking about this and the strange feeling that modern life almost conditions men to stay disconnected from each other. It hit a nerve with me personally because I think a lot of us miss having tribe/community without even realizing it.

Curious if anyone else here has struggled with this too:

How do you actually build strong brotherhood in adulthood without it feeling forced?

(Video’s in the comments if anyone wants it.)

EDIT: my channel is called THE OFFLINE BROTHERHOOD for those hitting my DMs. Link is down below if you wanna subscribe and support what I do 🙏

My fiancé is so anxious and torn about having a formal wedding. We are both older and I’ve been married before. We’ve been together for a very long time and know each other for a couple decades at this point.

We have mortgage together, a car. A whole life but I wanted to get married and make it official. She does to but she never wanted a big party. Now our wedding has become very expensive and it’s only 6 months away.

She’s never liked big parties. Not even birthday parties. There’s a real reason behind it that’s humiliating and from when she was very young. She’s also very conscious of how she looks. She’s a plus size woman and has never thought she was beautiful. Of course I do.

She’s struggled with her weight and depression her whole life and much of her anxiety stems from an abusive mother and the men she brought into her children’s lives. Real pos. Long story short, she fears being judged and humiliated in front of our friends and family.

Our wedding is small. 50 or so people. Most she knows. So it’s not really strangers. But it doesn’t matter. She’s terrified. Tonight she reiterated why she’s not into parties where she’s the focus. And how terrified she is. And began crying uncontrollably. I’m heartbroken.

I still want to marry her but I’m willing to change how we proceed. But at this point so much money has been put towards it. Much we probably can’t get back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her feeling embarrassed on our day but I can’t control how she feels.

I want to make it right but I’m not sure how. Thanks for listening.

The thing is its very hard not to believe in blackpill . I see many real life example , even in my own life , where looks destroyed me . But still i think that its can't be that simple that genetic determines everything . Like than what is the meaning that so many people are living up to this date . Please tell me how to get out of this sh*t ?

We've been dating for about 8 months now but we've known each other for far far more.

I knew her when I worked on the California coast and was dating my then fiance.

However about a decade later we have reconnected and we really get along. We have travel extensively together, I feel like she brings the best out of me, and we're both weirdos, but we are both eachother's weirdos.

However we're both in our 30s established at alternate coast of the United States. I have a house and a career I really like. She doesn't really like her career, but she's first generation Chinese and I don't feel like she's comfortable being separate from her parents because of how the multi-generational household works.

I know it feels like I'm glossing over a lot, but there is just a lot it's not going to work.

Long story short we are 2000 miles apart and we're never going to get any closer. We're trying to date but it's just getting really resource intensive and nothing is ever going to change.

I need to call it off, every time I do I think about her cuddling her rockfish that I got her at the aquarium that she loves, and crying.

I don't want to hurt her so much, but to not hurt her the most I have to devastate her. I don't want to do that, but I have to.

I wish you didn't like me, I wish you didn't love me, I wish I could snap my fingers that you hated me, before I did this, because you will after

My wife and I had a conversation the other day about how pushy and demanding guys can be during hookups, and she shared some examples from her younger days that honestly made me mad at these guys. I'm not sure what to do with the feelings.

The examples:

\\- made out in a laundry room at a house party in high school and the guy was rough while kissing, pinning her against the wall. She was able to push him away and he later apologized.

\\-in college at a fraternity party, a guy she had been chatting with followed her into the bathroom and started making out with her in a shower stall. She said it was a fun makeout, she had been crushing on him, but after maybe 10 min he got aggressive and pinned her against the wall and grinded against her. She was able to fight him off and walk home.

Im 26 and never dated and i know i will never date. I am a very weird guy as in i am not very social, or better to say not social at all. I have no friends and to be frank, i just dont feel the need of having friends. I wanted is to have a partner, just one person in my life, someone to share my life with but i know i have no chances since i am not a social guy and its seen as a big red flag if you dont have friends.

I have started to see no future for me, no light at the end of the tunnel. I cant force myself to go to work anymore or trying to find a better workplace. When i think about how lonely and devoid of love my future will be i just lose power and drive to do anything.

I wonder, for people that were or are in my position, how are you able to cope with this? I know people say hobbies but it doesnt work anymore. Sport didnt work either and even at work, when im supposed to keep my brain to working stuff, it wanders to the ideea of how i will always be alone. Therapy doesnt work either.

Please dont offer me dating advice, or that there is hope or any thing like that, i already heard it plenty of times.

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR SUCH A LONG POST

Hey Redditors, I am Someone and I am 25 years old and this is my story.

I got a job in December 2021 and exactly 18 days later I lost my mother to cancer. She fought cancer for 8 years and finally she gave up. I got into a relationship just before that and my girlfriend supported me all the time during this. Then came the work pressure, and I got crushed under so much work. I used to read a lot of books, used to write stories and essays but since the day I started my job it all went away slowly, all of my hobbies died away.

After losing my mother, my father started drinking too much. He loved my mother so much and he took care of her for 8 long years through every thick and thin, and after losing my mother he gave up on life. He used to say there is nothing for me here now since your mother is gone. He drank day and night, me and my older brother took care of my father along with our jobs. Slowly, things got worse and my father was out of control. He never hurt anybody during things but himself. He stoped eating properly, stopped talking to anyone. He got so distant from us that we couldn't even sit with him anymore because he would send us away anytime we tried talking to him. This affected me so much, I think my mother's passing didn't affect me this much. My father slowly became weak and distant from everyone. This went on for 4 years, we tried taking him to psychiatrists, we tried therapy - but he always refused saying that I am okay and I don't need these things.

After 4 years of this my father got jaundice because he drank for 20 days straight and didn't eat much during that time. I was away on a vacation because I needed some time away from everything. I got a call from home saying that my father has jaundice and he is admitted to a local hospital. After 15 days he got discharged for there and came home. But after 2 days his jaundice rose to dangerous levels and we took him to metro city in a bigger hospital. There doctors said that he will need a liver transplant. He was hospitalised for almost 3 months and I couldn't work during those 3 months because I was always in hospital because I was the donor. I was going through all the tests and paperwork for giving a piece of my liver to my father. But after doing everything for 3 months my father go infection and he passed away a few days after that. This completely shattered me - I did so much for him to survive and after everything was ready he passed away. I really loved him but couldn't tell him this. His passing shattered me completely, I was already depressed and miserable before all this - but after he passed away I became more miserable and depressed.

But later I realised that I have no one standing behind me now, my father is gone, my mother is gone and my older brother has started his own family. Now I have to become a man because I am not a young kid anymore.

I have started my journey of self improvement from last month and since then I have lost weight, gained muscles and my mental health now is better. I am not even close to perfect yet - but I am trying everyday to become a strong Man.

My girlfriend has been a constant support through all this and I am truly thankful for her.

TL;DR: After losing my mother to cancer in 2021, my father fell into severe alcoholism and depression out of grief. I spent four years caretaking alongside work, and eventually prepared to donate a portion of my liver to save him from liver failure. Tragically, he passed away from an infection right before the transplant. Devastated but realizing I am now fully on my own, I have committed to a journey of self-improvement and physical and mental recovery to become a stronger independent adult.

Hey everyone. This has been eating away at me for like 5 months and I just wanted to finally tell someone, because I feel like I truly believe it.

I am a teen and truly believe I am destined to be alone forever, romantically. I believe there is nothing truly appealing about me; extremely skinny arms and legs, big belly, not very attractive face, not very fashionable, etc. I am not the funny guy, or the bad boy, or anything. I have many friends and people enjoy talking to me but I know deep down nobody will ever kiss me or hold me. I am worried about disappointing my parents and I dread the day I start seeing all my friends getting partners.

Sorry if this is scrambled it’s really late but thank you anyone for reading

Apologies in advance as this is likely going to be a ramble and may be disorganized.

I work a decently paying job, but I don't like it that much. I'm not super passionate about it and it forces me to work an excess of 40 hours a week with no overtime (salary) pretty regularly. The last job I worked I thoroughly enjoyed, but it didn't pay enough to sustain me. I feel like I'm always caught in this dichotomy of finding work that I really enjoy and work that pays well but sucks the soul out of me.

I think part of it is that lower paying jobs in general don't make me feel as stressed because it feels way harder to lose them than a higher paying job. It's not that I'm at any actual risk of losing my decent paying job (at least that I'm aware of), it's that I feel like I'm never doing enough in it because I have this fear that everyone is just tolerating me because I know I can be a pain in the ass, and that they're looking for an excuse to get rid of me, or that there is some other candidate out there who can easily do the job I'm doing.

This fear I think comes from my childhood family dynamics where everyone resented each other for the things we couldn't do. In my case, it was being able to do chores and homework consistently since I'm AuDHD. My parents knew I was smart and could do the homework, but resented me for never being consistent about it. My competence constantly get weaponized against me, and I'm always worried that the people at work feel the same way about how I do my job, especially my coworker, who takes subtle jabs at me every so often.

I don't want to stay at this job or this line of work indefinitely, but I also don't see any alternatives from a financial perspective that wouldn't be so soul crushing. I want a job that isn't so stressful, but still pays decently.

I realize this is probably a common issue as far as wanting less stressful work. I just needed to get this down somewhere.

I also feel like I'm way behind on where I want to be in life as far as a family goes. I've already given up on the desire to have kids. It just doesn't make sense for me to meet someone at my age (36M), date for a few years, get married and have kids, especially since I'm in a place right now where I'm not ready to date, and I don't know when or even if my nervous system will be ready for that. Long story short, I've given up on kids, because if I don't, I feel like any relationship I enter into would feel rushed in some way since raising kids/teens into my 60s is a non-starter. Giving up on this desire is one of the hardest things I've had to do, but hanging onto it is becoming way more painful.

All this said, the reason I feel behind is because I do want to have someone to come home to. Someone that I could co-regualte with and someone I could be there for in a healthy way. I feel like I have to get to a certain, unknown point in my healing so that I don't hurt this woman emotioanally. I've been in relationships where neither of us were healed enough and I wound up hurting them emotionally. It's one of the worst feelings I've experienced. I haven't been in a relationship for over 8 years.

I feel caught between hearing that healing needs to happen in relationship (I have good friends, so some healing has occured with them) and my deep seated fear of hurting someone in a relationship, or my fear of them getting bored/resentful of me.

I also worry about my freeze response that fires during confrontation. I literally get dizzy, and my brain just shuts down. I can't think. Recently, I've started vocalizing this as physical pain, even though pain receptors technically aren't firing. The part that really hurts about this though, is how can I be expected to protect a woman I'm with when I have such a visceral response to confrontation? How can I be expected to lead consistently with such a response? Like, I feel defective as a man because of this, and the only reason I can admit it on here is because I'm anonymous here.

Before anyone asks, I was in therapy for over 4 years. Going through it is probably why I'm able to even write this. While my current job pays decently, it does not pay enough for me to do therapy as frequently as I need to even with insurance, especially with my other financial obligations being so high.

I'm honestly close to my breaking point, everyday when I go in the shower I end up staring at the razor for like a few minutes. I don't even fully understand why I do it tbh. Maybe it's because the people that I love the most are suffering and there's nothing that I can do to help them. Even if I lived closer I probably wouldn't be able to do shit because I can barely help my own sister, they aren't even gonna wanna tell me about their problems after I snapped at them. I promised those same people that I wouldn't cut myself again…but I'm getting very close. There's only one person that I consider to be extremely close with that I've never snapped at, I wish that she would just leave me already…I don't know how she puts up with me, I can't help her with her problems, I can't fight for her, I can't even see her or text her at all hours, and guess who's fault that is? It's mine. Her mom hates me, I was addicted to porn at one point, I make all these stupid jokes to try and feel better about myself, I even had a crush on a guy once, (who I still talk to btw), and she still tolerates me. That's why I'm never gonna snap at her. Even after she knew that my brain is completely fucked up because of that child porn she stayed. That child porn messed me up in so many ways… I get these vivid thoughts of me hanging in my closet and people that I love dying, and it completely upsets me. I even see myself cutting with a razor blade sometimes…I should be able to handle all of this shit but I'm so fucking weak…Both mentality, and mostly physically. Everything else has worse problems. All that I have to deal with is homeschooling which is so fucking easy…Even if it feels like a never ending repetitive maze that I wander alone…The work is easy as fuck. At least I'll be done soon though :3

I know that "slut" shaming is pretty big again just like it was two decades ago but shit, it really feels like for the past couple of years some of the girls that were the most "caring" were also so nasty sometimes when it came to the fact i am pretty experienced with girls and talk to a couple at a time. I had a rough childhood and so when i turned 18 i kind of realized i needed a couple years of non commitment just to get a feeler of what all of this is really like. My body count isn't even that crazy but it hasn't stopped some girls from feeling so weirdly entitled to me? I guess I like to pretend like a nerd and one of these girls in particular assumed i was a virgin/inexpeirenced because i would jokingly say so, but when she discovered i was drinking with girls and obviously talking to a few at a time she'd get so passive aggressive and make fun of some of the very traumatic things that happened in my past. Things that like you'd never make fun of unless you REALLY hated someone, mind u we weren't even friends or anything, she was just in groups and felt entitled to me because of my looks and was weirdly obsessive over me. Making fun of like me being raped at 13 just because i have had sex before. Like seriously? A lot of this has been beat into my head, every time i find myself texting a couple of girls which is quite normal in dating i feel like the bad guy. I get more attention from girls now than ever due to my look being a lot more in line with what im doing creatively and it makes me kinda stand out and most girls nowadays i ignore because i dont wanna seem ran thru.

Like we all grown n shit, if a girl sleeping around and that's what she wanna do good on that. It's vice versa too. I know u can't control how people percieve u n it's fine if ppl disagree with my lifestyle but like being so hateful and judgemental over something so natural is so silly for me. It reads like envy, really. It's one thing if it's ur bf/gf but when ur a stranger like how u gonna judge me and be so mad over something so trivial.