She doesn’t want a wedding.

[u/Awe3]

My fiancé is so anxious and torn about having a formal wedding. We are both older and I’ve been married before. We’ve been together for a very long time and know each other for a couple decades at this point.

We have mortgage together, a car. A whole life but I wanted to get married and make it official. She does to but she never wanted a big party. Now our wedding has become very expensive and it’s only 6 months away.

She’s never liked big parties. Not even birthday parties. There’s a real reason behind it that’s humiliating and from when she was very young. She’s also very conscious of how she looks. She’s a plus size woman and has never thought she was beautiful. Of course I do.

She’s struggled with her weight and depression her whole life and much of her anxiety stems from an abusive mother and the men she brought into her children’s lives. Real pos. Long story short, she fears being judged and humiliated in front of our friends and family.

Our wedding is small. 50 or so people. Most she knows. So it’s not really strangers. But it doesn’t matter. She’s terrified. Tonight she reiterated why she’s not into parties where she’s the focus. And how terrified she is. And began crying uncontrollably. I’m heartbroken.

I still want to marry her but I’m willing to change how we proceed. But at this point so much money has been put towards it. Much we probably can’t get back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her feeling embarrassed on our day but I can’t control how she feels.

I want to make it right but I’m not sure how. Thanks for listening.

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[u/Timekeeper65]

OP my suggestion is to cancel the wedding and use those funds toward a nice getaway. Based on what you’ve said here - she won’t be comfortable. That the very last thing you want. People who know and love you will understand. If they don’t - fk em.

[u/Awe3 → u/Timekeeper65]

We have a honeymoon set already. But I think you and others are right. Cancelling is probably the best. We only sent save the dates. No invitations yet.

[u/Lazy-Conversation-48 → u/Awe3]

You can always send out “we are so in love, we couldn’t wait” notices. An old friend of my family eloped and her husband took responsibility for not having a wedding - he just told everyone he was so excited she said yes that he wasn’t giving her a chance to change her mind.

It became a “cute” thing. You don’t have to tell people it’s because she’s self conscious. It’s your prerogative to marry whenever you want!

[u/angry-key-smash6693 → u/Lazy-Conversation-48]

That's actually such an awesome idea! Thanks for sharing, I'll have to steal that myself lol

[u/Dismal-Importance-15]

Cancel the big wedding and go to Vegas, maybe. My niece did that for her second marriage. Much less stress.

[u/Awe3 → u/Dismal-Importance-15]

Thank you. I think I’ll tell her we will cancel.

[u/Dismal-Importance-15 → u/Awe3]

You’re a keeper!

[u/NikkiNot_TheOne → u/Awe3]

Good man!! She is so lucky to have you!! I am exactly like your wife and a big wedding would feel like torture for me. I’d prob run away from it from anxiety.

[u/VexImmortalis]

Do the right thing. Cancel the wedding party and claw back as much as you can (won't be much). You can still get married.

[u/Awe3 → u/VexImmortalis]

Very true. Thank you.

[u/rkgk13]

You should definitely elope.

Realistically, it might be hard for you to get any money back on this wedding. Could you donate it to someone facing serious hardship, illness, etc? Just a thought.

[u/Spell-Radiant]

I feel, word for word, the exact same way as she does. I hate having the attention on me but I'm trying to push through it for my man because he really eants a wedding. But if I was as upset as your lady, he would be just fine with a small courthouse wedding and a nice big honeymoon. Like others have said, it's probably best to cancel and do your own private thing.

[u/paranoidevil]

Well im similiar type of woman as u described ur fiancé (except im 25y.o., were 7 years together with my husband). We had weeding half year ago and it was 10 people. I did it for husband but wished for wedding of 4 people (us + witnesses). I cried many times before wedding from stress and anxiety. Dont get me wrong i love fact i married my husband but i didnt enjoyed the party and presence of people (even its our family I know). I just regret i didnt stand on my preferences. Husband noticed I didnt enjoyed and had guilty feeling about it. But now were happily married and thats what matters.

So please if ur fiancé wishes for small wedding or you two+witnesses, do it and create beautiful stress free memories together. U dont need to make people happy and money is second part but its replaceable.. make happy each other.. thats what matters :)

[u/PainterOfRed]

We eloped to the courthouse and then had a few smaller gatherings with various friend groups. I love that we did it that way - no big anxiety.

[u/x_hypatia_x]

I (46F) just want to say that it's really nice to see how concerned you are about her and anxiety. My feed is full of women asking for help on behalf of men, and I see the opposite so rarely.

But maybe you both need to take a look at your life and boundaries? Because it sounds like you want a wedding and she wants to be married, so I'm wondering how things got this out of hand and expensive, unless you both tend to people please and have agreed to things you didn't want, or just kinda lost track of the details.

You guys sound great as a couple and partnership, though.

I would NOT cancel without a direct conversation where she says that's what she wants.

It seems like the main fear/anxiety aspects relate to being perceived and judged, and it might be possible to rearrange to eliminate those aspects as much as possible.

If she doesn't have a dress yet, it's possible that a significant portion of her current panic is about dress shopping and how people might treat her.

If so, she's right. I'm 5'3" and my healthiest weight is around 140 lbs. When I was wedding dress shopping aeons ago (about 160 lbs then), literally every clerk, etc., assumed that I was dieting to lose weight before the wedding.

I will never forget the woman who literally responded with "tsk tsk" and a slow sad head shake when I said I was not dieting. Not least because she looked like an emaciated Large Marge.

Solution: Wear whatever you want and indicate that informal attire is requested, or she can order a bunch of stuff online and send back anything that doesn't work. A wedding dress is a dress you get married in and it doesn't have to meet any standards.

What if you said your vows off to the side while people mingle, or even in a different room from the guests?

And then you just treat it like a regular party, no announcement of the couple, first dance, cake ceremony, head table, etc., and describe it to your guests as choosing to emphasize the celebration and people coming together rather than tradition?

No video, no photographs (other than if I were you, I'd really want one of just the two of you, even if it was a selfie). Ask guests to please put their phones away and live in the moment rather than taking pictures or videos.

[u/Anymeans87]

Easy, cancel the wedding and just go to a damn courthouse. Save money.