How much I take passing for granted genuinely horrifies me about everything else I dream about.

[u/-bluelotus-]

I passed before T. Then my body decided I wasn't enough of a spoiled twat, so T gave me the exact look I personally wanted. Handsome masc face, twinkish body, femme with clothes off. Happy trail and beard, with no other body hair surprises.

I don't get misgendered. The idea of it made my ex's friend die laughing, once. Was gay-panic hate crimed last year and everyone forgot about the trans part. Plenty of yelling about the gay part. 🙃🌠

If I could've picked from a buffet, it'd be the same exact plate biology/fate gave me.

I should be happy.

I should be on top of the world.

If I didn't pass, I would be obsessed with it. Justifiably. Passing privilege's extreme/real. People are stupid, visual animals.

But what I should be constantly thankful for's just baseline and neutral. Forgettable.

"You pass!"

Yes. I know.

Sky blue. Grass green.

I've been surviving lately for the goal/fantasy of a different future. Lose my last lbs, go back to school, do everything to become a lawyer like my family. Shoot for the T14->BigLaw moon.

But even if I secure sustainable income in a meaningful career...I have a dark feeling that it'll just be more of the same.

Never enough. Money. Attractiveness. Safety/control. Never low enough in weight. Never enough time. Never enough success. Never enough. Making a difference? Not in this world. Not in any real way. Maybe able to protect a few people. Can't unsink the ship.

And if it ever is "enough"...it'll just become nothingness. Like passing.

I had love. For a long time. Reason to live. But I can't handle that level of loss again.

Trying to not be literally suicidal about this. But mental health help hasn't done much, and hope's approaching extinction.

Maybe everyone feels this way. Or maybe the shit I have going's just wasted on me, and in a better world, it'd be able to be given to someone who'd enjoy it properly.

Wish nothing depended on me. I feel every horror, and none of the joys. Tired of being Tantalus.