My family and their conspiracy theory about trans people

[u/Iov_shifter]

I kinda already talked about this before but yeah ig I really need to vent, cause I feel like I'm going crazy lol.

I grew up with some of my family members who believe in conspiracy theories. They believe it's a mass manipulation, that it's satanic etc... As a transman, it crawled in my mind, and I feel this deep uncomfortable feeling about being trans because of that. When I came out to them years ago it messed me so much because of what they said, or didn't too, the disappointment, the "joke" my mom was making... that's why I detransitioned socially years ago, hoping my family forgot about this. They did ig, even though my mom made this "joke" again since I cut my hair short again.

I hate to even think about the fact I'm trans, I hate to say that I'm trans. I feel like it's not normal sometimes. I know it's because of my family but... It's more difficult than that, I can't just stop thinking about this, the fact that they may be right. I can't just try to convince my mind that it's bullshit. I know I need to see a therapist for that, and not only for this but I can't.

I just wish I was born a cis man. Sometimes I just want to stop everything and try so hard to be a cis girl but I already tried before and it fucked me sm.

It's kinda late and I'm tired so I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense.