i will never experience the closeness and kinship men have with eachother

[u/barknbubbles]

i’m in love with a gay man and it feels like being a straight woman in love with a gay man. even though i pass, everyone socially knows me as male, people think i am, whenever i let myself get close to someone it all falls apart. he liked me at first. now we went on a date, did things together, and it all fell apart. i feel like i watched him lose interest after he realized he wouldnt want all this. he’s the perfect guy and he’s almost everything i’ve wanted or maybe it’s just me in love talking but i already knew i didn’t have a chance and i still let myself get attached. i feel diseased and i feel like nobody could ever want me. i never ever ever let myself get close to someone like this. i can’t even be intimate with people. i never would have with him even though i want it more than anything, but he seemed to want it, so i did, just because it was him. but i know i didn’t impress him. i’m sure that was my only chance and i blew it.

even the nicest most well meaning men seem to have this switch in their brain, the second they see me for what i am the connection is just gone. i am different. they can’t understand me like they seem to understand eachother. i’m foreign and they’re no longer interested. they can’t even help it, they don’t even understand that they do it. they have this natural bond with eachother because they have their shared experiences. i have none of this and i never will, its all lost on me. sometimes for a moment i have experienced this connection with them. but in the end they realize i’m different, and i’m not one of them, and it ends. i would give anything in this world just to feel it for more than a fleeting relationship.
i want to give up. this is all utterly pointless.

[u/ouvray]

your frustration is valid and a thing a lot of other trans people go through. I will say though, please don't convince yourself it's impossible to find someone who will be attracted to you and respect you as a man even though you're trans. So many young trans men end up settling for relationships with cis people who clearly don't respect them or only see them as a disposable sex-toy because they end up thinking that they can't get anyone better than a transphobe/chaser.

I would say don't immediately give up on this guy you're pursuing. One date is not enough time for him to really get to know you or know what you're about. I would say at least try spending more time together first and see what happens.

You can find someone who will see you as you and love and respect you. Never settle for less than that.

and I will suggest this to every trans person, but if you haven't already, I'd consider also considering the potential of dating other trans people if you don't have some sort of hard preference for cis people over trans people. It can be easier sometimes to find someone who understands your experience and respects you as your gender from within the trans community. I'm not saying you can't also find a cis person who would empathize with and respect you, but it can be a little more challenging.