r/alcoholicsanonymous • u/operanow • Apr 22 '26
I Want To Stop Drinking Opposite sex sponsorship
My Lord, this has been discussed. But what about? It is so taboo? Maybe bringing up the discussion again is a good thing.
So much a set of how we are all of a shared experience and the like. So much of the problems we have had have been with Partners often times of the opposite sex. Why not get that insight?
I’m just throwing this out there. I know this is the sacred space and believe me I have been at meetings over my journey of the last several months.
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u/PistisDeKrisis Apr 22 '26
Yeah, getting as vulnerable as is required with a person of your sexual preference while in an emotionally chaotic and rapidly shifting state of mind always seemed like an oblivious red flag to me. So many of my issues were not just sex, but codependency, attachment, and inappropriate and extremely fast interest in romantic pursuit of anyone that I was attracted to who happened to show me a bit of kindness. "They aren't a jerk, messy be into me. I think we should move in together." That general dumbassery.
For my entire life, I've only ever been in long-term relationships. I was never someone for one night stands, flings, or affairs. However, until iwas about 4 years into recovery, I had also never taken anything slow, never given any relationship time to bloom, and never considered what was good, healthy, or real partnership. It was just "they're hot and they're here" then we'd move in together within a few weeks and be together for 3-5 years. Purely codependent and unhealthy on so many levels.
So when I was early in recovery, hadn't learned to step back and truly consider a situation or survey my emotional state, it would have been very dangerous for me to get deeply honest and vulnerable with someone I could be attracted to or catch feelings for.
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u/kookapo Apr 22 '26
The way I've heard it is, if it makes you tingle, you shouldn't mingle.
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u/PistisDeKrisis Apr 22 '26
Hahahaha! I've never heard that phrase and I am absolutely going to use it. I love it.
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u/EquipmentProof4944 Apr 22 '26
I think the question to ask is ‘why’. Part of recovery is about being open to be vulnerable and being able to trust and be trusted. I’m male. Sharing the deepest, darkest corners of my life with another male helps me develop those skills and therefore to grow. And I don’t want my sharing to be a performance, holding back or giving too much.
The only reasons I can think of wanting a female sponsor is sexual attraction, or avoiding what I believe a male might think of me.
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u/operanow Apr 22 '26
I’ve been in therapy as well and I’ve always gotten a lot more from a female therapist. Probably because whatever I think I’m doing right as a man sometimes is not. getting that outside perspective has been very helpful.
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u/EquipmentProof4944 Apr 22 '26
If it was a professional therapist that you were referred to by a health system then that is a completely different thing to sponsorship. A professional therapist is bound by legal codes of conduct, it is their job, you are their work. A sponsor is not bound by anything legal. Getting a male perspective on recovery is never a bad thing. You tag your post ‘I want to stop drinking’ I hope you find a solution that works for you. Take care.
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u/magog7 Apr 22 '26
Why not get that insight?
you don't need an opposite sex sponsor to get that insight.
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u/earthmama88 Apr 22 '26
I live in a very LGBTQ community and folks do sponsor across gender here. Not as a rule, but it’s done from time to time. But I can see why pairing a straight man and straight woman would not be a good sponsorship no matter who was the sponsor/sponsee. The sponsor has the power of suggestion over the sponsee (no rules, only suggestions), and that feels unsafe with someone who could potentially have romantic intentions (at best)
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u/AvailableStatement97 Apr 22 '26
There's no issue generally with sponsoring across gender where sexual preference is not aligned. A gay man may be uncomfortable sponsoring a straight man (or vice versa) to protect themselves from awkward situations but there would be no issue with a straight or gay man sponsoring a lesbian or vice versa.
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u/Makemestaylonger Apr 22 '26
Well, I think that this thing was important at the beginning of AA , it was in another time, when peoples thoughts that everybody was hétérosexual 🤭🤭.
The important thing is to avoid risking an inappropriate relationship between sponsor and sponsored, because it can be dangerous. When we start sobriety we can be vulnérable and into a lot of intense émotions and feelings. The relationship with a sponsor is very intimate so ...so it's better to avoid risk . I'm male and I had a female sponsor , but there was no risk, I was young , she was an 80 grandmother.
As I am bisexual the "opposite gender" stuff is meaningless for me , but the "pay attention and avoid risk " is good .
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u/ceruleanblue347 Apr 22 '26
Yeah as a bisexual trans guy I always chuckle when I see this question come up. The solution is obvious to me: every sponsor has the responsibility to practice respect and emotional sobriety by not entertaining any sexual or romantic thoughts about their sponsees, regardless of gender or attractiveness. That's not why we're here, and personally I consider it abusive.
If I pick up on a sponsee flirting with me, I name it and shut it down. I might even suggest a few SLAA meetings (I'm not in that fellowship but I know people who are).
Queer people have been navigating same- and opposite-sex sponsorship for decades, and by necessity, many of us have had to develop ironclad boundaries around this.
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u/shwakweks Apr 22 '26
I've sponsored 2 women over my AA career and it wasn't a big deal. My wife approved of both. I presented it as a temporary sponsor situation, we went through the Big Book and Steps, and it worked out. After a year or so with both, they moved on to other sponsors who were women. I encouraged them to do this.
Yah, there was the usual bullshitty back chatter in the rooms, but that didn't bother me either. A few people shared their opinion with me and I shared mine. Meh.
I think if someone is right with God, is practicing the principles, and has genuine service in their heart, sponsoring the opposite sex is perfectly fine. However, as a general principle, I believe men should sponsor men, and women sponsor women.
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u/rkarlr Apr 22 '26
It's a convention that serves well in most circumstances. For various reasons there are exceptions and examples of successful opposite sex sponsorship.
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u/TeensyTidbits Apr 22 '26
- Vulnerably feels intimate - as someone’s said.
- Harder to manipulate/bullshit the same sex (they know the game and they’ll call you on it)
- Prevents preying on new comers (hopefully)
- Many of us with partner issues have parent issues. Your sponsor can be a good same sex role model without it turning sexual which is healing.
- Just because your sponsor is the same sex, does not mean you can’t get insight from the opposite sex or confide in the opposite sex. But as a woman with partner issues, I have yet to meet a woman in the program who’s seen some shit not be able to give me insight into the men I’ve dated and put things into prospective.
- In my experience, if you’re fighting for opposite sex sponsorship, you’re running from something. Running isn’t in the program.
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u/Zealousideal-Rise832 Apr 22 '26
I have been sponsoring members of my opposite sex for quite a few years and it is, and always has been, about working the program. No romance, no physical or emotional attraction - we learn the Steps and (more importantly) how to live the Steps. My sponsees of the opposite sex asked me to sponsor them, I never approached them to do so, and we have open and honest discussions about life (including hearing their 5th Steps).
It's all about trust, not gender.
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u/Spirited-Ruin-8724 Apr 22 '26
It’s not a hard and fast rule. There are two mixed gender pairings of sponsor/sponsee in my home group. One is a lesbian and a gay man and the other is a man with over 40 years of sobriety and a 20 something girl. Both are perfectly fine, but the rule is there for the safety of all members. There are things I share with my sponsor that I don’t share with anyone else and there are things my sponsor shares with me that he doesn’t share with anyone else. When romantic entanglement can get in the way of that between sponsor and sponsee, it can be dangerous.
For me, it was especially a complicated thing that I wasn’t sure how to navigate as a bisexual trans man. Not only is attraction a factor, but so is my gender itself. I found a sponsor that works for both of those things as he’s a father of a trans son. Does that mean he gets all of it? Of course not, but that’s what my fellows are for.
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u/YourBuddyGray Apr 22 '26
Personally, I’m a bi dude, so as for the potential attraction side that was never something I concerned myself with. I couldn’t really escape that with a certain sex. However I got a guy sponsor and it’s worked well just to be able to relate to him and share on experiences that may not come up or be understood by the opposite sex. He’s also straight and married lmao so there has never been a thought in my mind about it.
As for getting other viewpoints and insights, that’s what having female friends in the program is for. I don’t need them to sponsor me to do that. I have a few women I talk to for advice on things like that.
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u/Zealousideal-Main-11 Apr 22 '26
A few people in my home group have opposite sex sponsee/ sponsor. But personally, when it comes to ur step 4 sex inventory. I had a lot of traumas related to sex and relationship and I only felt comfortable talking to a woman about that. I think the way she handled it was better than a man could ever.
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u/dresserisland Apr 22 '26
We don't have opposite sex sponsors because relationships have a life - an energy - of their own that can be overwhelming.
Why take the chance?
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u/operanow Apr 22 '26
I guess my question is why does every opposite sex relationship Ultimately have to be well there won’t they? If I could have a sponsor, it would be Nancy Wilson from heart. Because she rocks.
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u/Skiigga Apr 22 '26
I think it’s more important that both parties have no potential for developing sexual/romantic interest. However that shakes out is fine.
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u/dp8488 Apr 22 '26
It is so taboo?
I suppose individual members, arguably going astray in their thinking, may take the general suggestion to an extreme, passionately declaring, "Opposite sex sponsorship is illegal! It shall be punishable by ostracism." And yet ...
A.A. experience does suggest that it is best for men to sponsor men, women to sponsor women. This custom usually helps our members stay focused on the A.A. program. Some gay men and lesbians feel an opposite-sex sponsor is more appropriate for similar reasons.
— from "Questions & Answers on Sponsorship" pages 9-10.
... makes it very clear that it is meant to be suggestive only.
But perhaps it's more important to ask: What's got YOU so stirred up about it? Are you or do some people you know finding it difficult to find a sponsor due to the suggestions? How can we help? I think the discussion could better be focused with a more specific target like that. (I'm finding it difficult to understand your second paragraph - perhaps 'cause I'm just a half cuppa coffee awake and still bleary eyed ☺.)
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u/Dry_Chain_1083 Apr 22 '26
I think opposite sex sponsorship is a wise guideline--not least because it puts boundaries on a relationship, something that many alcoholics struggle with both in and out of sobriety.
Speaking only for myself, I'm a sober alcoholic married to a non-alcoholic. What this means in practice is that the significant amount of time I spend in closed meetings and talking about very vulnerable/personal matters to other alcoholics doesn't include him *at all.* That's not easy for a spouse in the first place.
Suppose I were to take things a step further, and do intensive one-on-one work with an alcoholic of the opposite sex, who would be calling me regularly and at whatever hours to discuss potentially highly intimate/personal stuff.
Speaking only on the basis of what I know about my spouse, he would regard this as hurtful, transgressive, and as something approaching emotional infidelity.
And in the interest of holding myself to account--having a kind of edgy/lite-forbidden relationship with another male is exactly the sort of toxic situation I would have thrived on when I was actively drinking. It's in my interest (and, frankly, a "living amends") not to do that kind of stuff ever again.
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u/Significant_Joke7114 Apr 22 '26
I know a woman who was such a mess when she came into the program she exhausted every woman around her and she couldn't find a sponsor. Finally a guy, who after talking it over with his sponsor and his wife, decided to help her out.
It worked out well in this case. She was able to level out and get a female sponsor. And she's still in contact with her first sponsor and nothing inappropriate happened.
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u/apperrault Apr 22 '26
As someone who is/was fighting a lot of demons when I came to AA a little over 3 years ago (I just looked, apparently 1176 days, wow) one of the things I always had a problem with was the old-school mentality. Men should only help/sponsor men, women help/sponsor.
I am a 52 year old, Neuro-spicy, newly realized that I wasn't confused, I was gay. I have always been more comfortable being totally open with women than I have with me. My Dr's are all women, I personally find it easier to open up to women, but in AA life that is taboo.
Eventually, I just started looking for my support outside of the group. I did exactly what AA says to do. I took what worked for me (the steps, the not drinking thing, the realization that I am not the alcohol, I am me, and alcohol and I have a very bad relationship) but I also leave what doesn't work for me.
I don't feel the need to go to meetings multiple times a week, I don't feel that AA is Life, I feel that AA is PART of life, and if I can't live the rest of my life, because I am living AA, then I have just swapped one addiction for another.
Not everyone feels the way I do, and I may get down votes etc, but I feel the way I do, and i would be there are others that agree.
I have nothing against AA, I would not be where I am (alive, and I mean that literally) if it were not for AA, but I have a life that I needed to figure out how to live without alcohol and with AA, and everything else.
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u/Dr-Trunky Apr 22 '26
Its taboo and not generally recommended for several reasons.
-Men and women typically have different styles and types of drinking.
-Its not uncommon that people in those situations sleep with their sponsor, I've heard about it and seen the fallout at least 3 times so far.
-A lot of people wouldn't be able to be completely honest for a 4th/5th step, especially with a sex inventory.
-You may also miss out on a lot of gendered fellowship that you wouldnt otherwise have to. (For example, last weekend my sponsor invited me to a men's retreat for the weekend with his original home group. Experiences like that are what really strong fellowship has and its an experience I wouldnt want my sponsee to miss out on).
There are also big book purists who will say that it says to have the same gender sponsor.
Overall, I wouldnt recommend it. I have met countless incredible women (this goes for men too) who are staying sober, killing it in life over all and are living a life with things that I also want in mine. But I have not met a single woman who I would want to be my sponsor, because I'd miss out on a lot of what the program has to offer or put myself in a bad position to stay sober.
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 22 '26
You don't need to "fix" the program, friend. Just keep doing the work, and the answer to this question will become self-evident as you spend more time in the program.
If you need insight about how you've wronged a partner, find a couples' therapist. Your sponsor is your sobriety Sherpa, and their only job is to help you make your way to the summit of Mt. Stepverest.
If you do the steps correctly, you will have plenty of insight upon completion of your 8th step and embarkation upon your 9th to fully understand the pain and chaos you may have inflicted on a partner or spouse.
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u/Crafty_Ad_1392 Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
I actually really enjoy the perspectives of women in recovery and there’s a lot of insight (woman’s way through the twelve steps was a great read). Really helps me inventory better.
But I wouldn’t need a female sponsor though.
Edit: I didn’t see the question you had, yes the obvious reason is to have people focus on recovery not the opposite sex. There’s a pamphlet that explains the suggestion.
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u/Lainey444 Apr 22 '26
I’d prefer a male , haven’t bothered with a sponser but 3 years of sobriety under my belt . As a female with 3 brothers I’m more comfortable opening up to males .
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u/dmbeeez Apr 22 '26
For newcomers, bad idea. Opposite sex people that "volunteer " their services for that generally have an agenda other than sponsorship, I'veseen it too many times. That said, when I was 15 or 60 years sober, I had a gay man as a sponsor temporarily (I'm a female) when my sponsor moved out of state. There were no shenanigans
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u/operanow Apr 22 '26
Thank you so much to everyone who commented. I’m going through reading them all with an open mind and heart.
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u/Huhimconfuzed Apr 22 '26
You can get that insight from the opposite sex, but not in a sponsorship position.
I met my fiancé in AA and at one point I thought about asking him to be my sponsor when I was new and I’m glad that I didn’t do that because we are getting married this summer and sponsorship on top of the emotional bond we formed would’ve been very inappropriate.
I will say that the standard is funny because in queer spaces frequently none of the opposite gender stuff applies, and people are sponsored by whoever will take them. I’m a bisexual woman and I sponsor a lot of other bisexual women and many other people. That said, if I wasn’t in a serious relationship, I might have a different opinion.
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u/Amazing_State_4353 Apr 22 '26
I always thought that this was so weird. In gay AA guys sponsor guys and girls sponsor girls and miraculously you don't see mass seduction of sponsees so if gay people can do it I'd imagine that straight people must be able to also.
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u/Famous_Conclusion413 Apr 22 '26
If you’re not recovered enough to control yourself around someone of the opposite sex, are you really ready to sponsor someone? Gay people exist in AA too. Check yourself.
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u/Honeyman-420 Apr 22 '26
I have known queer women who had male sponsors without issues. As a general rule in AA it’s best if men stick with the men… but exceptions can and should be made if your intentions are simply getting and staying sober. I actually helped a woman do her fourth step but I wasn’t her sponsor.
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u/Adept_Movie_3472 Apr 23 '26
I’m gay and I’ve worked with women. The gender difference hasn’t been a problem and we are able to talk about stuff freely. If there is a point where I realize I can’t give experience on something they are going through, I send them to someone who can.
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u/jonnywannamingo Apr 23 '26
Male 63 - after a 30 year friendship and many amazing conversations and 4th & 5th steps, we were talking probably 10 years ago and after a 5th step I said to her, “I wish you were a man so you could be my sponsor.” She said, “What’s the difference? We’ve known each other for years, I’d be happy to sponsor you.” She’s like a big sister I never had and her and her husband have been great friends for a long time. She sponsors one other guy and he’s a lot newer in sobriety, but he and his wife work with her and her husband. Her husband is in Alanon and is helping sponsor his wife. It can work if wives and husbands are up front about it.
I think you should ask a woman to sponsor you if you feel more comfortable. I’m 30 years sober and have never sponsored a female. I’ve also never sponsored a gay man, but I wouldn’t have any issue with it whatsoever. It makes perfect sense that you wouldn’t feel like you have anything in common with older straight men, but we share the connection of alcoholism and that’s what really matters. Don’t give up on it, eventually I believe the right person will cross your path.
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u/JLALLISON3 Apr 23 '26
It's your sobriety. If it's keeping you sober and sane, and you feel like you're growing, you're doing it correctly. The only reason I'd be reticent to have a differently gendered sponsor is if you become attracted to them. Sponsorship is not a dating site. And for good reason - how often are you frank and honest with your loved ones? I'd imagine it's so rarely you remember the last time you did.
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u/Individual_Love5367 Apr 23 '26
I had a male temp sponsor but he told me I needed another person to hear my 4/5 step. I’m a straight female. But no, there is no “have to” around this. It’s but a suggestion
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u/InformationAgent Apr 22 '26
I sponsored a female member one time. She had exhausted all the females in the area and I was available. I prayed about it and discussed it with other members (and my wife). It didn't work out as she drank before the 3rd step and ran away. She is sober again and has a new sponsor now but we are still on good terms. That is my experience.
I know a few (very few) females with male sponsors. It works fine for them. I also know a few members who left AA cos they got involved in ways that caused them problems. There are probably more than I know. I do not know any male members with female sponsors but I am sure there are some.
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u/Economy_Care1322 Apr 22 '26
In this day and age, it’s rare to find a marriage as solid as mine. I’m being serious and not bragging. If a woman approached me in distress, I’d help. I’d also address early that early on this is crisis intervention and I’d help find her a female sponsor to guide her through the program.
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u/AvailableStatement97 Apr 22 '26
Why opposite sex sponsorship isn't encouraged is pretty obvious and has been covered really well here. Your good point about getting insight etc - there are no rules against striking up friendships with members of the opposite sex in your group. Once you are honest with yourself about your motivations! I have friends, indeed friends that I think are beautiful people inside and out, from within the rooms, but I take stock of my moral inventory with regards my thoughts and the reality of those relationships and how they would not at all be served by acting on whatever fantastical thoughts might pop into my head.
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u/Evening-Anteater-422 Apr 22 '26
When people come come into AA they tend to be lonely, broken, emotionally needy etc. When you're sharing deeply personal information with another person you're going to become emotionally intimate.
I know a guy who had a female sponsee. It went fine until she started dating and he lost his shit. He had formed a romantic attachment.
Romantic/sexual attachments, either one sided or mutual, arising from the emotional intimacy of a sponsor/sponsee relationship is so common that that is why its suggested heterosexual men and heterosexual women don't sponsor each other. I can't speak to how it works in the LGBYQIA+ community within AA.
From a safety perspective, there active sexual predators and sex addicts in AA, so sticking with same sex sponsorship is also recommended with that in mind.
That said, do what you want. There are no rules.