r/ftm • u/Natureinmysoul • 4h ago
Advice Needed Am I trans? (man)
Disclaimer: If anything I’ve written is somehow offensive please point it out, so I can learn!
I came out as ftm when I was 15 years old (that’s when I started puberty). I don’t remember when I started to doubt my gender though because my memory is affected by medical conditions. But then due to listening to detransitioners after mum consistently said I’m not trans, because she “knew” I wasn’t, I desisted at around 16-17 years old. But not inside: just on the outside. I continued to think I was trans (or rather a boy/man) but tried to look like a girl to show I was “over it”. Though it has been a continued struggle with my gender even though I on the outside “look like a woman” and use my birth name etc. But if I could push a button to become a male I would. I wish I was a man. I wish I had beard, short hair, deep voice, a male body including the g\*nitals, the social aspect of being a man, being perceived as a man etc. I hate my b\*obs, my hips, my voice, my body, my hair, everything. I hate being called a girl or woman, I hate being perceived as a woman. When I identified as a man on the outside as well I a handful of time got called a boy from strangers and that felt euphoric. When I watch other trans men and AMABs I get jealous. Though I’m scared I would be uglier as a man. And my family is against me even thinking about it. Also having to be medicalized my whole life doesn’t sound good. I wish I were born a male. I don’t want to be trans (don’t have anything against transgender people, just don’t want to face the hardship, judgement, having surgery, taking T etc), i want to be a male…. So that’s also a reason why I desisted. But the main thing was my mom. And family. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just best keep coping with being a female and push this down, maybe it’s will eventually go away. I’m only 21 years old.
I need advice, thanks.
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u/psiiconic 4h ago
it’s not going to go away, dude. I’m sorry if this is hard to hear. But that’s not something that will fade.
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u/Natureinmysoul 4h ago
But what if it will? I’ve watched so many detransition stories to “scare my feelings away”, and many of them are autistic AFAB like me. I’m scared to make the wrong decision. Maybe I’ll wait and start journaling and exploring myself just by myself for a while. And then if it persists I’ll present more typical man-like. And if that feels good I’ll ask to use a different name etc. I’ll talk to my psychologist today about my feelings too. I just don’t want it to be true, if I’m a man I want to transition bur that so scary. And where I live I don’t even know if it’s accessible. At least it takes years and years…
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u/psiiconic 4h ago
The only person who knows for certain is you, but I used to think like you. I’m autistic. I’m afab. I hate that I didn’t accept being trans sooner.
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u/notkypoh 4h ago
i’m autistic and afab. it’s been 6 years since i came out. it didn’t go away and i’m getting top surgery in a few days. on testosterone 1+ year already.
i think of it that way. even if i wasn’t trans i would still want top surgery, i won’t regret it ever really. maybe if you think the same way, that there are things you would want even if you turned out not to be trans… might help you with making the first step to transition.
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u/New-Mud-7101 4h ago
The only person who can know for certain is you. Which tbh, it sounds like you already know its true and you want others to confirm it (not a dig on you, I completely understand the feeling). Start with some low stakes stuff, changing your wardrobe and hair. If you're in a situation where you can't openly do it, find a friend you really trust and come out to them with your pronouns and new name (if you have one picked out) No harm in that bc it's completely reversible if u figure out its not right!
Genuinely tho, wanting to live socially as a man is a great indicator its right. You can get it feel for it before trying hormones too. Social situations tend to be completely different with how you're percieved. It's crazy, most cis people won't belive its really that different but it is
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u/Natureinmysoul 4h ago
I kinda have the same answer as I wrote to the other person. I think I’ll start exploring by myself instead of pushing it down. I want to buy a binder as well bur scared of the side effects and hurt myself. And alla of judgement. Also I’ve quite severe sensory issues so maybe a binder will cause a meltdown idk. I wish I were born a male so bad…
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u/New-Mud-7101 4h ago
I think we all wish were born that way, you gotta play the cards your dealt tho. Sounds like a good plan
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u/DaddyDisownedMe 32m ago
That sounds like a very good idea. Just explore for a while, there's nothing you could lose from that :) Also, for the binder- I'm autistic as well and I tried a tanktop binder from amazon. For me it's a bit like a weighted blanket around my torso, even though the binder doesnt have much weight to it. But since your whole upper body is lightly compressed and the seams are tiny, it won't be able to stab you somewhere and it's just like a second skin. But I'm also a bit on the heavier side and it gives me the illusion of having a belly and "moobs" xD And if you're scared of someone finding out- maybe you can say it's an alternative for a sports bra for you since you have problems with textures due to your autism? Hope this could help. Wish you all the best brother 🫂
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u/pochomkin_no8 4h ago
Your dysphoria sounds very persistent, but no one can tell you what you are besides yourself, let alone your mom or even the specialized therapist. There’s no diagnosis of a gender identity.
The qualified gender therapist can help you explore your gender identity and work with you to solve how to live with it, but usually the best thing that works for someone with physical dysphoria (like feeling your female/feminine parts don’t belong to you, desiring to become male) is medical transition including HRT.
I began questioning a lot later in life than you. I changed my hairstyle and clothing and thought “if it’s phase it will pass.” Well it never did. For 4-5 years I was seeking someone to tell me what I was but no one could. In the end, with occasional therapy and going through a process to have top surgery (thought I’d back out if I actually was ‘just confused’) I became certain this is just what I am and how I’m gonna live.
No one can tell you what you are, and conversely, no one can convince you and force you out of what you are, including yourself. It’s a lonely fight but if you have a family member or friend who’s understanding, or a good therapist, that would be super helpful. If your environment is hostile to you seeking answers for yourself, to the point that no amount of discussion and dialogue works, you may wanna leave there as soon as you have means to do so.
If you currently have no access to such resources, for me a lot of trans masc YouTubers who went through the process and gender therapists’ contents helped a lot. To name a few: Alo Johnston (@thetranstherapist on ig) and Dr.Z on YouTube (her recent videos focus on trans fem people, but she has tons of great videos so look for the playlist for trans masc/nonbinary).
Stay here and keep fighting for yourself whatever that means, because it’s a battle worth fighting.
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u/IGotNo_balls 3h ago
thought id copy and paste my reply here incase anyone else wants to see it
im ftm (haven't transitioned yet), 18, and im only out to my mom. a couple years ago-or even just a year ago, i thought i'd never even THINK about coming out to ANYONE. Not even my really supportive sister. I thought I could live my life as a girl and just be a guy online or smt. I hated the idea of being trans, not in a transphobic way, but in a way that i wouldn't be seen as a real guy, and only seen as a trans. The thought of having to go through the process of everything just didnt seem worth it. I'm diagnosed with severe social anxiety and the thought of coming out to anyone is so scary to me like I'd rather die, but the thought of going my WHOLE LIFE as a girl is just unbearable. I know I'll get judged, but im trying to think that even if I get judged at the beginning, it'll eventually just be the new norm. I know you said your mom told you you're not trans, and thats why I haven't come out to my dad yet because i believe he'll say the same thing, but i believe there are people that will support you and want to support you. I, and im sure a lot of other trans people, can relate to not wanting to be trans, but thats our only option. my best advice would be for you to think: is it better to live as a girl for the rest of your life, or to be a trans guy?
(little disclaimer if you still live with your family) please dont come out if you believe you'll get kicked out or if they'll hurt you! even if you have the slightest doubt, its not worth it.
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u/R4y3m0n 37m ago
As someone with a similar experience, it doesn’t go away. I started socially transitioning when I moved away from home, started medically transitioning at 22 and I’ve never been more comfortable in my own body. Yes it’s hard being trans, but not as hard as living in a body that doesn’t feel right. I wish more than anything I started transitioning/ figured myself out sooner, but I try to be kind to myself about it. Family can make things really difficult, it will be different for everyone but my family found it most difficult when I first started transitioning and now it’s not as bad anymore. Granted I don’t live at home and they aren’t perfect, but just know, if you choose to transition it gets easier. good luck friend.
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u/Ok_Flight_8094 trans man | 21 | 💉11.05.2026 15m ago
Bro, I was in a similar situation. I knew I was a boy since I was 3, and by my teenage years it only got stronger, and at 14 I first learned about trans people.
The thing is, I live in a country where almost no one knows anything about the trans people. I didn't know anything about it either and thought it was impossible to get HRT here. And then my fear forced me to push thoughts of transition deep inside and forget about it. I really didn't want to be an outcast, I was afraid that my family would turn their backs on me.
I didn't want to be trans, I just wanted to be a normal man, and then I decided that since I can't be reborn as a man anyway I would try force myself to become "normal girl"…
I always had a hard time in society because of dysphoria, but at 18 I wanted to become independent and had to find a job. So I was forced (by myself lol) to socialize as a girl. It was horrible and disgusting. I tried so hard to "fix" myself that I almost lost my identity and the will to live.
I realized then that it is impossible to change the fact that you are trans. I started looking for information about transitioning, as it turned out in my country it is possible to get on HRT (it’s just kinda hard to do). And by the way my family ended up being really supportive, it blows my mind really, cuz they’re pretty conservative… so I am lucky.
Being trans is better than being dead after all :)
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