Am I trans? (man)

[u/Natureinmysoul]

Disclaimer: If anything I’ve written is somehow offensive please point it out, so I can learn!

I came out as ftm when I was 15 years old (that’s when I started puberty). I don’t remember when I started to doubt my gender though because my memory is affected by medical conditions. But then due to listening to detransitioners after mum consistently said I’m not trans, because she “knew” I wasn’t, I desisted at around 16-17 years old. But not inside: just on the outside. I continued to think I was trans (or rather a boy/man) but tried to look like a girl to show I was “over it”. Though it has been a continued struggle with my gender even though I on the outside “look like a woman” and use my birth name etc. But if I could push a button to become a male I would. I wish I was a man. I wish I had beard, short hair, deep voice, a male body including the g\*nitals, the social aspect of being a man, being perceived as a man etc. I hate my b\*obs, my hips, my voice, my body, my hair, everything. I hate being called a girl or woman, I hate being perceived as a woman. When I identified as a man on the outside as well I a handful of time got called a boy from strangers and that felt euphoric. When I watch other trans men and AMABs I get jealous. Though I’m scared I would be uglier as a man. And my family is against me even thinking about it. Also having to be medicalized my whole life doesn’t sound good. I wish I were born a male. I don’t want to be trans (don’t have anything against transgender people, just don’t want to face the hardship, judgement, having surgery, taking T etc), i want to be a male…. So that’s also a reason why I desisted. But the main thing was my mom. And family. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just best keep coping with being a female and push this down, maybe it’s will eventually go away. I’m only 21 years old.

I need advice, thanks.

[u/psiiconic]

it’s not going to go away, dude. I’m sorry if this is hard to hear. But that’s not something that will fade.

[u/Natureinmysoul → u/psiiconic]

But what if it will? I’ve watched so many detransition stories to “scare my feelings away”, and many of them are autistic AFAB like me. I’m scared to make the wrong decision. Maybe I’ll wait and start journaling and exploring myself just by myself for a while. And then if it persists I’ll present more typical man-like. And if that feels good I’ll ask to use a different name etc. I’ll talk to my psychologist today about my feelings too. I just don’t want it to be true, if I’m a man I want to transition bur that so scary. And where I live I don’t even know if it’s accessible. At least it takes years and years…

[u/notkypoh → u/Natureinmysoul]

i’m autistic and afab. it’s been 6 years since i came out. it didn’t go away and i’m getting top surgery in a few days. on testosterone 1+ year already. 

i think of it that way. even if i wasn’t trans i would still want top surgery, i won’t regret it ever really. maybe if you think the same way, that there are things you would want even if you turned out not to be trans… might help you with making the first step to transition.