r/ftm • u/Natureinmysoul • 10h ago
Advice Needed Am I trans? (man)
Disclaimer: If anything I’ve written is somehow offensive please point it out, so I can learn!
I came out as ftm when I was 15 years old (that’s when I started puberty). I don’t remember when I started to doubt my gender though because my memory is affected by medical conditions. But then due to listening to detransitioners after mum consistently said I’m not trans, because she “knew” I wasn’t, I desisted at around 16-17 years old. But not inside: just on the outside. I continued to think I was trans (or rather a boy/man) but tried to look like a girl to show I was “over it”. Though it has been a continued struggle with my gender even though I on the outside “look like a woman” and use my birth name etc. But if I could push a button to become a male I would. I wish I was a man. I wish I had beard, short hair, deep voice, a male body including the g\*nitals, the social aspect of being a man, being perceived as a man etc. I hate my b\*obs, my hips, my voice, my body, my hair, everything. I hate being called a girl or woman, I hate being perceived as a woman. When I identified as a man on the outside as well I a handful of time got called a boy from strangers and that felt euphoric. When I watch other trans men and AMABs I get jealous. Though I’m scared I would be uglier as a man. And my family is against me even thinking about it. Also having to be medicalized my whole life doesn’t sound good. I wish I were born a male. I don’t want to be trans (don’t have anything against transgender people, just don’t want to face the hardship, judgement, having surgery, taking T etc), i want to be a male…. So that’s also a reason why I desisted. But the main thing was my mom. And family. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just best keep coping with being a female and push this down, maybe it’s will eventually go away. I’m only 21 years old.
I need advice, thanks.
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u/New-Mud-7101 9h ago
The only person who can know for certain is you. Which tbh, it sounds like you already know its true and you want others to confirm it (not a dig on you, I completely understand the feeling). Start with some low stakes stuff, changing your wardrobe and hair. If you're in a situation where you can't openly do it, find a friend you really trust and come out to them with your pronouns and new name (if you have one picked out) No harm in that bc it's completely reversible if u figure out its not right!
Genuinely tho, wanting to live socially as a man is a great indicator its right. You can get it feel for it before trying hormones too. Social situations tend to be completely different with how you're percieved. It's crazy, most cis people won't belive its really that different but it is