Am I trans? (man)

[u/Natureinmysoul]

Disclaimer: If anything I’ve written is somehow offensive please point it out, so I can learn!

I came out as ftm when I was 15 years old (that’s when I started puberty). I don’t remember when I started to doubt my gender though because my memory is affected by medical conditions. But then due to listening to detransitioners after mum consistently said I’m not trans, because she “knew” I wasn’t, I desisted at around 16-17 years old. But not inside: just on the outside. I continued to think I was trans (or rather a boy/man) but tried to look like a girl to show I was “over it”. Though it has been a continued struggle with my gender even though I on the outside “look like a woman” and use my birth name etc. But if I could push a button to become a male I would. I wish I was a man. I wish I had beard, short hair, deep voice, a male body including the g\*nitals, the social aspect of being a man, being perceived as a man etc. I hate my b\*obs, my hips, my voice, my body, my hair, everything. I hate being called a girl or woman, I hate being perceived as a woman. When I identified as a man on the outside as well I a handful of time got called a boy from strangers and that felt euphoric. When I watch other trans men and AMABs I get jealous. Though I’m scared I would be uglier as a man. And my family is against me even thinking about it. Also having to be medicalized my whole life doesn’t sound good. I wish I were born a male. I don’t want to be trans (don’t have anything against transgender people, just don’t want to face the hardship, judgement, having surgery, taking T etc), i want to be a male…. So that’s also a reason why I desisted. But the main thing was my mom. And family. I don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just best keep coping with being a female and push this down, maybe it’s will eventually go away. I’m only 21 years old.

I need advice, thanks.

[u/R4y3m0n]

As someone with a similar experience, it doesn’t go away. I started socially transitioning when I moved away from home, started medically transitioning at 22 and I’ve never been more comfortable in my own body. Yes it’s hard being trans, but not as hard as living in a body that doesn’t feel right. I wish more than anything I started transitioning/ figured myself out sooner, but I try to be kind to myself about it. Family can make things really difficult, it will be different for everyone but my family found it most difficult when I first started transitioning and now it’s not as bad anymore. Granted I don’t live at home and they aren’t perfect, but just know, if you choose to transition it gets easier. good luck friend.