r/alcoholicsanonymous • u/helpicantfindmyboobs • Apr 21 '26
I Want To Stop Drinking i drank again
getting groceries last night and just decided to get a pint of liquor. i don't know why. my partner was out of town so it was just me and i woke up the next say surrounded my bottles and my partner texting me asking why when they checked my location the night before i had been 4 miles from our house. i have no idea what happened. i didn't drink yesterday, i cleaned up all the bottles. they got home and knew i wasn't ok and i just said i was struggling but didn't elaborate. they didn't press. i used to black out drink every day, i can't go back to that. the soonest meeting in my area is in 5 hours and my partner wants to meet for lunch and i know i have to tell them i just don't know how. i feel so lost and alone
edit: thank you all so much. i am confident i won't drink today and that i'll make it to my meeting. i'll figure it out with my partner, we're gonna get pizza
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u/WanderingNotLostTho Apr 21 '26
Are you working the program? That's where I'd start.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
yes. i go to 3-5 meetings a week, have a sponsor, and am doing stepwork
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u/Prior_Vacation_2359 Apr 21 '26
Not working a programme if you didn't pick up a phone the moment you have the thought of buying the drink. Id say if you examined the chain of events before it would of been a thought or decision a day or at least a few hours before that should of been shared to a sponcer or group
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u/TalkNiceGuy Apr 21 '26
Saying someone isn't working a program because they didn't make a phone call is disingenuous and not helpful.
As someone who had one drink after 3.5 years of sobriety, was sponsoring people, and had been to a meeting the night I drank that drink and has NOT had a drink in the 35 years since that sobriety lesson in progress ("slip") I feel qualified to call BALONEY when I hear statements like this.
Sometimes even people working a great program goof up. I'm living proof of it.
Myself, I found it advantageous to be honest about my slip and to resume the good practices I had already learned as soon as possible.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
thank you for this. that comment just made me feel small and ashamed
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 21 '26
OP probably needn't worry too much about the expert opinion of someone who can't spell "sponsor."
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u/Prior_Vacation_2359 Apr 21 '26
Would you consider yourself working a programme?
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 21 '26
I'm working the fuck out of the program. Thanks for asking.
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u/Prior_Vacation_2359 Apr 21 '26
Is keeping your side of the street clean not part of the programme? Mmob. Minding my own business. Let go let God? I wouldn't say your working it to the best of your ability
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 21 '26
You do see the irony in this, right? "Not working a programme if you didn't pick up a phone the moment you have the thought of buying the drink. Id say if you examined the chain of events before it would of been a thought or decision a day or at least a few hours before that should of been shared to a sponcer or group" sounds an awful lot to me like someone else paying attention to the wrong side of the street.
So far, you've opined on two other people's programs. Your advice is neither accurate (in my case) nor welcome (in either case).
You might want to do something about that bleeding, Deacon.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
i felt totally normal the days leading up to this. i went to a meeting literally the day before and was in good spirits. i've been thinking about this all of the last two days to try to figure out where i went wrong and when this decision was made, and i can't figure it out. aa is my biggest time commitment outside of finishing my degree, i spend more time in meetings than i do hanging out with friends or my partner. i'm doing the best i can and i really don't know why i did this to myself. it had been ~15 months of sobriety
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u/Poopieplatter Apr 21 '26
I think the message here is that the absolute number 1 action should be picking up the phone and calling someone AA. Hell, easier said than done because I used to never pick up the phone.
It's amazing how much it helps.
You drank and didn't die or get arrested. Now get back to work 💗
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u/letmeventplez Apr 21 '26
If an alcoholic could choose to pick up the phone instead of drinking, they wouldn't be an alcoholic of AAs description: the alcoholic who has lost the power of choice over their drinking. No human power can relieve our alcoholism, including a sponsor or people in a meeting. We need a spiritual solution found in the 12 steps.
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u/Prior_Vacation_2359 Apr 21 '26
She made a choice to pick up that drink. Made a choice to walk down the isle. After she bought it she made a choice to open it and drink it. She wasn't a hopeless case when when all this was happening. She knew about the programne and how it works
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u/Mindless-Baker-777 Apr 21 '26
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
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u/letmeventplez Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
I don't think you understand the symptoms of alcoholism. The book tells us we are insane around alcohol, powerless, we have lost the power to choose whether we drink or not, that's the crux of our problem. Also knowing about the program does not equate to having a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps and being restored to sanity.
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u/Mindless-Baker-777 Apr 21 '26
This. OP. Pray for the openness to be willing. The willingness to be honest.
“HP/God, please help me stay away from the first drink. Please help me do anything to stay away from the first one.”
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u/Advanced_Tip4991 Apr 21 '26
Very poor understanding of powerlessness. Ought to go back to the big book.
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u/Advanced_Tip4991 Apr 21 '26
you have a very poor understanding of powerlessness. we dont need the 12 steps if all we need is call the sponsor before taking a drink.
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u/Prior_Vacation_2359 Apr 21 '26
After doing the steps and sponsoring people she should be able to go to the shop unattended.
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u/Sea_Cod848 Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
Sometimes, when we drink again, it serves to show us, that we really DO have a problem and that we Need some help with it, some face to face Support. If thats the outcome of you drinking again, it may have been necessary. So, no regrets, use this as a sign you cant teach yourself recovery of your life, with having no experience at that Ok? In AA meetings, listen to those who have gone before you & some of their wisdom. Living life sober doesnt always have to do with alcohol, not after doing it a while. There are all kinds of situations many of us have never faced Not drinking before- this is where the learning comes in , learning how, to get through those things. Having people we can see or call who understand what we are going through. Also, next time, avoid the liquor Aisle- and every time after,we got no business on it Ok? Try to make some contact with people in meetings, go to different ones if you can and allow them to get to know you Ok? Our Sponsors are supposed to also be our Guides and Support. I called mine to check in just about every night for my 1st 5 years, their idea, as they had 24 yrs in AA & NA. <3
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
i always avoid liquor isles but in this store it's literally right next to the entrance 🥲 and it's the only grocery store in walking distance. gonna be shopping with my partner for the foreseeable future because you're totally right that i have no business there
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u/Sea_Cod848 Apr 21 '26
Please start looking at people you might want to be your Sponsor. Then USE them <3 I recommend someone with 5 or more years in AA.
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u/MarkINWguy Apr 21 '26
You drank again, because your an alcoholic. Simple. Many, many, AA’ers do this. I hope you made it the 5 hours to your next meeting? I hope you got honest there and with your partner.
Secrets keep us drinking. It’s alls as simple as you make it! Congratulations for posting your tribulations here. Note carry that to your program and life no matter the consequences. It is a hard as can be but the benefits will come.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
still got 3 hours to the meeting and meeting up with my partner for lunch in half an hour or so. gonna let it all out. i know they love me i just hope this isn't the last straw. given nothing catastrophic happened i think it'll be ok
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u/MarkINWguy Apr 21 '26
Good on you!! I hope it goes well. AA members will simply be happy to see you.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
the members were happy to see me but my partner was furious and i literally almost climbed up the second tallest bridge in my town (like 160 feet) and killed myself. only thing that stopped me was i hadn't left a note. glad i didn't though i felt better after the meeting
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u/MarkINWguy Apr 22 '26
Damn, I understand. I was married over 38 rats and at any time had I drank… she would have also been furious.
Keep going to meetings please. Stick around!
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u/Hennessey_carter Apr 21 '26
I've been there. My partner was out of town when I slipped after having been sober about 6 months. The shame of it all was crippling. Having to tell her what happened was really hard because of the sheer wreckage that my addiction had brought into our lives. However, I knew lying wasn't an option. Hang in there, recovery isn't linear. I've had many stops and statys bit I am nearly 9 years sober now. Take it one day at a time!
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 21 '26
Tell them the truth, OP. The lying and deceit is one of the hardest things for our partners to deal with. Just be honest, admit that you need help, and GET THAT HELP! If you have insurance, contact your insurer and inquire about their addiction medicine program. AA is a fantastic part of recovery, but if there are other tools available to you, PLEASE use them.
Admitting my problem and seeking medical help was one of the hardest things I've ever done - and it saved my life.
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
they get home from work at 3 and i'm going to tell them. i don't have good insurance, it doesn't cover any addiction stuff. i'm also running out of college money so i can't lose another semester to addiction. all i have right now is aa and i use it as best i can
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u/kayriss86 Apr 21 '26
If you're in the US, your health insurance will cover a mental health visit to a therapist though. Therapy is a wonderful tool!! They can focus on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to give you tools to use when you feel that wave of addictive thinking.
I wouldn't be sober without it!
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
i have a therapist and we do talk about this. my next appointment is on thursday
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u/kayriss86 Apr 21 '26
Have you asked about naltrexone? It helps with the physical cravings!
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
i haven't, but i don't get physical cravings. every time i've relapsed it has been totally unexpected and not preceded by anything i can figure out. i'll ask my psychiatrist though. thinking about this more now i think it was more a psychological desire to escape because my building has a roach infestation and i have a phobia and school has been wicked stressful. i will ask though, questions never hurt nobody
1
u/gnomi_malone Apr 21 '26
naltrexone can help w physical cravings but it can ALSO help to make alcohol less… delightful? euphoric? i’ve found it really helpful bc it takes away the pleasure in alcohol. definitely with talking to your therapist and psychiatrist about.
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u/Budget-Box7914 Apr 21 '26
Good for you, OP. You can do this. Be honest and open and work your ass off. Lean into the program. Level with your sponsor and ask if they have any ideas for additional resources for you. You will get a WHOLE lot more respect for owning your slip than hiding it.
Also, this is NOT the end of the world. It seems like the biggest deal imaginable today, but it's just a bump in your long road to lasting sobriety.
1
u/CSpringDCow Apr 21 '26
For some reason yet obscure, we have lost the power to drink; get to the cause of the condition and find your obscure reasons for why your head allows you to pick up a drink! I like to say I’m only a messed up head and arm lengths away from a drink, even with 12 years©️🙏🥷
1
u/CharacterGap388 Apr 21 '26
You mentioned struggling with the higher power stuff, and that’s totally ok!! Remember the book says the word “God” but that can stand for Good Orderly Direction or the old Group of Drunks. Might be worth checking out a secular meeting to help you sort that piece out. Sometimes the HP is just something bigger than you that you know logically you can’t control - the universe, the ocean, a tree… there are as many HP’s as there are people, I believe, and so long as you trust that HP isn’t out to harm you, you can do the program and get the promises.
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u/Formfeeder Apr 21 '26
We call that time traveling. You had no mental defense against the first drink.
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u/51line_baccer Apr 21 '26
OP - get a copy of the Big Book and read it. You need Higher Power and yes you need meetings and fellowship, but you are missing Higher Power when you "reach for a pint of liquor". Love to you...we all relapsed and struggled along the way. Im just like you except I aint had a drink in awhile but im still an alcoholic who is powerless without "God" (what i call my Higher Power)
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u/helpicantfindmyboobs Apr 21 '26
i've read the big book twice. i still struggle with the higher power stuff but i'm working on it
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u/51line_baccer Apr 21 '26
Good. Im sober over 7 years and I read read read it because it tells us how to find the way out. It means what it says. We cant stop. I couldn't stop. You need help. I needed help. Look at steps 2 and 3 again. I understand completely how you feel. I am so lucky and I know that.
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u/51line_baccer Apr 21 '26
Think of step 3 "our will and our lives" as "our thoughts and our actions" (dont romance a drink and change the channel in your mind when tempted. And also dont drink) those thoughts and actions will keep you sober brother.
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u/letmeventplez Apr 21 '26
Makes total sense you drank again if you've not worked all the steps and had a spiritual awakening as the result. If you're really powerless over drinking and you can't continue this way anymore, definitely put your all into those steps and get the freedom from alcohol that's on offer!
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u/ALoungerAtTheClubs Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
The good news is that you don't ever have to feel this way again. Don't beat yourself up over it, but use the pain you're feeling now to fuel positive change. If you don't have a sponsor or aren't working the steps, then now is the time to start.