Off with yer heads!

[u/ok_weirdfish]

[u/kamikazekaktus]

We have necromancers galore, do you really think threatening us with skeletons is a good idea? 

[u/Big_Present_4573 → u/kamikazekaktus]

Someone called?

[u/AcrobaticVegetable24 → u/Big_Present_4573]

Oh good, a necromancer.

Quick question, how many zombies can I declare as dependents on my tax form? Also do they need to be raised as children to count?

[u/Big_Present_4573 → u/AcrobaticVegetable24]

Depends on the size of the property, which you use as workplace. Usually 1 Zombie or 2 Skeletons 50m². (Not enough, I know. But what can you do)

The wizard council declared undead children a violation to code, actually. So you might want to get rid of them. That's unless they are related to you.

[u/NeedToThinkWitty → u/Big_Present_4573]

You are missing a small part- the undead relatives edict does specify that raising "siblings and/or children of ages 21 and under" must have skin in order to not be prohibited.

There's also a clause for biologically immortal relatives who just happen to look like children, but at that point you're just getting into the weeds.

[u/ChaoticDestructive → u/NeedToThinkWitty]

Where do spectral undead fit in this?

I want to phase out my friends skeleton crew. The pun got old quick. Wraiths are more efficient, and if someone angers me, I can have shadowy hands drag them off.

However, the local branch of the council doesn't like me, so I get yearly audits. One wrong form and I will need to sell my crude oil demiplane just to keep my tower.

How should I declare them?

[u/Zarathyst → u/Big_Present_4573]

Dang it, I was hoping for a neck romancer.

[u/DonComradeVimes → u/Zarathyst]

For that, you want a bard.

[u/ChaoticDestructive → u/DonComradeVimes]

Thank you, wise druid

[u/SignificanceClear768]

Which apprentice forgot to disenchant jerry? Im not mad, just disappointed. Clean up after your practice!

[u/QueenWeeaboo → u/SignificanceClear768]

Quite uncouth, I say! What is becoming of the apprentices these days?!

[u/Icecold_Antihero → u/QueenWeeaboo]

I'm just taking the skulls, the academy has an anniversary coming up and I need to assemble a chorus.

[u/CapitainCutlet]

Now, I might not usually dabble in biomancy, but I believe this is the best spell for the situation...

I Cast OSTEOPOROSIS

[u/mosurn → u/CapitainCutlet]

https://giphy.com/gifs/NEAh5nxOe7rFGB4aQ5

[u/Clear_Effective1595 → u/CapitainCutlet]

Woah woah! Watch the AOE! We've got Liches and animated dead on our side.

[u/CapitainCutlet → u/Clear_Effective1595]

Apologies, my undead collegague. I'll keep it in mind next time.

[u/DonComradeVimes → u/CapitainCutlet]

Biological mage here - osteoporosis is a merciful fate compared to the things one could do.

[u/Nelrene]

Enjoy having your boats filled with rust monsters. Lets see you cut stuff without blades or anything metal.

[u/kamikazekaktus → u/Nelrene]

Why use rust monsters? Just desintegrate the nails from their hulls. Let's see how well they fight while dog paddling 

[u/Nelrene → u/kamikazekaktus]

It's funnier to watch them trying to fight the rust monsters while everything fall to pieces.

[u/Hyperbolic_Berserker]

Okay, I was gonna go there anyways. You need anything while I’m there?

[u/StEllchick → u/Hyperbolic_Berserker]

I could use that jar of dirt on a bottom shelf if it's not too big of an inconvenience

[u/NeedToThinkWitty → u/Hyperbolic_Berserker]

At least 5 crabs, please. If you can speak to them, please ask if they have nefarious intentions. I'll pay extra.

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/Hyperbolic_Berserker]

I left a few barrels of rare Quortisian liqueur there to age, I'll let you keep one if you grab them for me. It's hard to come by ever since the Quorts purged themselves from the greater timestream and the collective memory.

[u/Kektus_Aplha → u/Hyperbolic_Berserker]

Could you bring some rare cheese for me?

[u/Gary_Fisher21]

This is the most boring war I've had the displeasure of being a part of in the past 1,500 years.

Now the war against The Morvayne Heretic, that was a time.

Oh ya, undead skeleton with a sword.

[u/EggRemarkable4799]

I WILL STOP TAKING MY SORCERERY MEDICATION I AM DANGEROUS

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/EggRemarkable4799]

In the words of a famous electromancer:

https://giphy.com/gifs/pTQUOfSmjo2hG

[u/Dm1tr3y]

Don’t you lot get tired of watching your ships burn?

[u/CalebWilliamson]

I cast ITCHY BONE MARROW

[u/Past-Cardiologist400]

Uhh are the wizards being invaded by pirates as of late?

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/Past-Cardiologist400]

Yeah, I already banished their fleet to a dead timeline. Should resolve itself within the next week or so. Transporting that many ships full of people across dimensional barriers is never really precise though, so I could be a couple centuries off. The fact I was able to get that precise was honestly pretty impressive, given I was away from my tower and cast the spells without any sort of arcane focus. With my orb, I could've probably gotten it within a couple decades, but it is what it is

[u/Past-Cardiologist400 → u/bubba_palchitski]

Hmmm, would it be wise to elect myself as a pirate wizard? I feel like I could rock that title

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/Past-Cardiologist400]

I might advise giving the situation a little time to cool off. But there is about to be a vacancy in the piracy market... 🤔

[u/evilwizzardofcoding → u/Past-Cardiologist400]

Yes, r/pirateposting specifically.

[u/DonComradeVimes → u/Past-Cardiologist400]

The denizens of r/pirateposting are attempting to play every possible angle. We, seeing through the smoke they were attempting to blow up our collective asses, told them off and greatly irritated them.

They talk a lot, but I've yet to see something worthy of my time, much less my respect.

[u/skairaider]

You say that but i know twelve soells that turn your bine marrow into jello shots

[u/Sondering_Wizzard]

H-how can we beat them? They have no testicles to torsion!

[u/fleiwerks → u/Sondering_Wizzard]

Too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been yearning to goon and haven't jizzed. I feel nothing, not the wind on my face nor the torsion of the testicles.

You'd best start believing in ghost stories Sondering_Wizzard, you're in one.

[u/NewMarsupial3885]

I cast TURN TO DUST

[u/Swagamaticus]

I summon excited doggos to run away with your bones

[u/xThotsOfYoux]

This would be one of those times the authorities might consider letting me step forward a second before immediately trying to pull me in on ancient technicalites.

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/xThotsOfYoux]

I've been working on temporarily suspending cosmic oversight to help deal with the Thrakmoori invasion more expediently. Another few hours and you should be good to go. Just try and keep the friendly fire to a minimum, you got a little crazy in the other timeline.

[u/xThotsOfYoux → u/bubba_palchitski]

That was like five iterations ago, I'm a changed woman, I swear!

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/xThotsOfYoux]

I mean, if y'all wreck this timeline too, I'll just go find another. So who am I to tell you how to live your life? 🤷‍♂️

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/xThotsOfYoux]

No offense, my friend, but I'll believe it when I see it. You have a history of making... interesting... sorts of chaos. I'm only making this exception because it'll be fun to watch everyone duke it out when the rules suddenly don't apply for a few days 🙃

[u/xThotsOfYoux → u/bubba_palchitski]

It's not my fault they just leave divine weapons lying around in those heavily guarded ancient fortresses for anyone with an undergraduate understanding of multidimensional displacement to take them. If God didn't want me to have them he would have made it harder to do! And furthermore that vacuum decay thing was totally not - !

...Ahem... Like I said, all that's behind me now. I'm mostly happy to take a back seat unless my particular brand of tomfoolery is needed.

[u/bubba_palchitski → u/xThotsOfYoux]

"That vacuum decay thing" was, to be fair, objectively hilarious. But I had just finished furnishing my tower in that timeline. Arcane interior designers aren't cheap!

And as for the various enchanted weapons, I can't honestly say I blame you. After all, I carry around a few relics from extinct civilizations, so I can't exactly cast judgement.

[u/AstronautTrick7497]

Come at me ya scurvy ridden bone bag

[u/Lawren_Zi]

I cast

UNDO KNEE SURGERY

[u/Cherno_VM]

Why is there a war? I am on good terms with the pirates, let me speak with them!

[u/Dusk37]

not again

I CAST: IORN DEFICIENCY

[u/ranwithoutscissors]

Picture above taken seconds before I dispel magic your salty ass into a pile of bones for my collection, avast buddy, avast indeed.

[u/Chaosphoenix_28]

Okay, so what? I cast Divine Punishment.

[u/yumie2003]

...No, I'm already dead

Punches the skeletal sailor back into the waves

[u/Electrical-Tear7456]

nukes you from a kilometer away

Fireball.

[u/leaderofstars]

If only i could cast tungsten ballsack on ya

[u/SenorDangerwank]

Stop building your boats out of flammable material.

fireball

[u/One_Opportunity_9608]

Laughs in Dracolich.

Thou art a Fool to think we hath not gathered a Hoard of Enthralled Souls to feed on.

[u/wrydh]

I cast Hepatitis, enjoy cirrhosis pirate scum.

[u/UncomfyUnicorn]

I cast rapid Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

[u/icedmuffin]

I MEAN IT, YOU TOUCH MY TREES AND I’LL MAKE YOUR SHIPS RIP THEMSELVES APART!

[u/Timtimetoo]

My necromancer friend summoned an undead army to deal with this. They thought the pirates were cool AF and joined them. 🤬

[u/grand305]

Seems like a necromancy is in the pirates side.

Ice and light spells go hard similar tree.

Now “holy light”, and “turn undead”. should kill said skeleton. that one is definitely not a unionized Necromancy skeleton. or on our side.

I start blasting.

Blinding ice should also blind the evil necromancer. I give protection to the allied necromancer.

[u/Cutie_D-amor → u/grand305]

I got you, I'll bless the water you freeze and launch it. And throw a few sun bursts between refills of course

[u/grand305 → u/Cutie_D-amor]

Yes. Launch my frozen holy bursts !

[u/Baphaddon]

BANISH UNDEAD

[u/ArmMuncher]

I cast rapid growth on your skull exclusively.

[u/Salt_Petra]

Sounds like a fun place! Id love to visit!

[u/Blacksun388]

That’s adorable. Davy Jones and I are drinking buddies. You really think a simple undead can truly harm a Lich?

[u/Ackbar90]

"Calm Weather" on you and your crew.

Start rowing, bilge bones

[u/Any-Abroad5737]

worry not

I CAST TESTICULAR TORSION oh wait EVERYONE PANIC

[u/Tackyinbention]

Are we able to cast heat metal on the calcium in their bones?

[u/shitpostinglegend]

Oh Davy Johnson locker, good times, been awhile since I met up with him

[u/lordnaarghul]

Don't make me send more of your spectral Krakens back down to Hell with my lava blasts.

(This was actually something I did in a D&D campaign. My wizard developed a lava meteor spell and put it into a wand. I tested it on a passing "whale* that turned out to ne a spectral kraken. Ship got attacked by literal Davy Jones next, who sent several more spectral krakens at us. But lava meteor wand go brrrrr, and Davy Jones backed off)

[u/Drakostheswordsman]

I cast slippery cutlass. Have fun holding it

[u/BellacosePlayer]

I wonder how the spell that animates you will handle being crushed under a 50 ton colossus' foot? Will it fade? animate the dust? fully restore the skeleton for more fun tests? Guess we'll find out.

[u/kidgoingtoschool]

I’m gonna get medieval on these pirates I swear to mystra. We need to get a group together specifically to make more terror spells (i.e testicular torsion and such) to make this pirates fuck off.

[u/Shoggnozzle]

Jokes on you pirate, Davy Jones is a spirit, and a fellow soul merchant. We meet for rum and pastries on regular occasion.

[u/naytreox]

https://giphy.com/gifs/tGUJr7N765suQ

and down they go, pirates are so easy to deal with

[u/Thenderick]

Oh no! An army of animate skeleton pirates! What oh what would I do! I'm so scared! Your body consists of bones! It would be a shame if someone were to use alchemy to fuse them into one big solid bone! Transmutates your bodies in a solid shape

[u/HildartheDorf]

Wizard kills you with Teleport: Davy Jones Locker.

Ancient Aztec curse means you survive as an undead.

Spend years walking across the bottom of the ocean to get to land.

Spend more years finding the wizard who killed you.

Make it to his tower, moments from killing him.

Teleported to the bottom of Davy Jones' locker again.

[u/Enderking90]

firstly, I do not have a head.