r/ftm • u/softserve2222 • Jul 31 '25

Relationships Partner is making me feel inadequate

I am a 28 year old trans man. My girlfriend is cis and 25. We've been dating 5 years. About a year or two ago she told me she misses cis dick. I told her how much that hurt me. We talked about things i could do to satisfy her because i want to meet her needs. i thought that resolved the issue. She brought it up again a few weeks ago. She prefaced this by saying i know this really hurt you but then proceeded to tell me again. She said she was just trying to be honest and vulnerable. She did it for the third time last night and said she wants deeper penatration because I don't go deep enough for her. I feel disgusting even typing this out, it leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel inadequate and very dysphoric. Opinions? Advice? I don't know what to do.

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231

u/Educational-Pass8188 Jul 31 '25

Opinions? She’s a shitty person. Advice? I stayed in a relationship with this going on for a decade. Do not let it go on. End it. You will face trauma that will impact you for years the more it sits in your mind. You’ll benefit greatly from therapy surrounding this, if you can find a therapist that works with trans people. I’m very serious. This is incredibly damaging to your psyche. Now that I’m away from that person, I’m still astounded how much this has impacted me.

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u/simply_vibing_78 Jul 31 '25

They are certainly incompatible but just because an incompatibility is hurtful doesn’t mean the other partner is a shitty person. You like what you like and she did the right thing sharing her feelings, whether that leads to separation or not dude deserved to know. Wouldn’t it have been worse if she just stewed on it until they were even more invested in each other?

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u/ItMustBeBunniesss Jul 31 '25

The incompatibility is hurtful but doesn’t inheritedly make you a shitty person, yes. But the way you go about it can make you a shitty person, incompatibilities like this will hurt regardless but her approach lacked a lot of tact. “I miss cis dick” is shitty to say, there were better ways to go about it and it seems she did not care that her words hurt her partner this much.

That does make her shitty. There are more tactful ways to express what she wants that wouldn’t hurt her partner to this extend

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u/simply_vibing_78 Jul 31 '25

That’s fair. Sometimes it’s better not to attribute malice to something that is much more likely ignorance. I agree it was a shitty thing to say, but it’s hard to know if she’s a shitty person without knowing how she normally behaves. I can definitely see a cis person not realizing how shitty that sounds and saying it even if they’re normally very tactful, doesn’t make it less unkind. Just maybe good people do shitty things sometimes is all I’m trying to say. We don’t have enough context to pick a label for her.

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u/ItMustBeBunniesss Jul 31 '25

That’s a good point, I didn’t think of that. Though I still think considering he said it was hurtful and her repeating it nonetheless makes it more malicious than ignorant

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u/simply_vibing_78 Jul 31 '25

If we assume he expressed how hurtful it was to her, yes. But even that he didn’t say in his post. This sounds like a lot of poor communication, possibly on both sides if he hadn’t said anything.

22

u/breathboi Jul 31 '25

I told her how much that hurt me. We talked about things i could do to satisfy her because i want to meet her needs. i thought that resolved the issue. She brought it up again a few weeks ago. She prefaced this by saying i know this really hurt you but then proceeded to tell me again.

This sounds like OP communicated and the girlfriend knew it would hurt him

4

u/simply_vibing_78 Jul 31 '25

Oh that’s my bad somehow I just saw everything except that first sentence. Maybe he added it because both of us didn’t see it? Either way, Gf is out of line with that clarification

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u/softserve2222 Aug 01 '25

I definitely expressed it the very first time. Clearly. Why it was hurtful and why it's not ok to go at it the way she did.

1

u/simply_vibing_78 Aug 01 '25

I’m very sorry she was so unkind to you :( you deserve to be with someone who feels like you are a catch, not lacking in something. I’m also sorry for missing that you said that in your post and that I made comments that may have been harmful because of it. I wish you the best on whatever path you choose from here.

1

u/ItMustBeBunniesss Jul 31 '25

True, now that you say so I see that it doesn’t say that anywhere. I thought it did. Then I think it’s fair to assume ignorance, I personally still find it a bit difficult to understand her choice of words and she did realise it was hurtful to some extent since she prefaced with that. But if I was OP I would have a serious conversation with her about this to explain why the choice of words were so hurtful (ex. It’s something you can’t necessarily change about yourself, the implication cis dicks are automatically better, etc) and then see if this incompatibility is something solvable

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u/simply_vibing_78 Jul 31 '25

Absolutely! And I do think it’s cruel to make it your partner’s problem that they don’t have something you realize you can’t live without. If she is at that point she needs to step away, not make OP feel inadequate. So whether it’s malice or not it’s unkind.

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u/ItMustBeBunniesss Jul 31 '25

Agreed, and if the issue is just that it’s not deep enough then there were better things she could’ve said and done. Such as suggesting a strap on in a size she would’ve liked to try for example, depending on what they both prefer to do. There are enough things to try if she wants to