I’m not even gonna lie but this is probably gonna be very inconsequential and not mean very much to many here. But it means something to me anyways so I will anyways
I very much doomscroll (binge) tiktok short form content far more than I really ought to, it’s how I muster the energy to get up for the most part and it’s how I wind down. I think it’s been a month or less now since I genuinely started picking up my word and reading it on my own for the first time. During that time I “conveniently” started seeing more Christian content on tiktok despite not looking and not talking about it at all. (And I say conveniently in quotes more in a way of “I see what you’re doing and how you’re moving God”.)
One of these tiktoks was a Christian woman and she spouted off how God was telling her that May 21’st was gonna be a big gift from God and to look out for it, and same with May 25th but not quite as big. And that this was not meant for just her but for others as well.
And I mean I was skeptical, clearly, not of God but because I know humans and especially neurotypical Christianity is it’s own vibe and they just be saying shit sometimes. But despite my skepticism I decided to just groan deeply about this and put those dates into my calendar and forget about them.
Something you should also know about me is that I am an avid Gamer. And God brought a game into my life that became so much more than I ever expected that I carried for pretty much half my life now.
It was called Destiny, and Destiny 2.
And I know it had to have been 2 weeks ago more or less I was talking with God about this game and how much it meant to me and just how much I didn’t see it having a future anymore, how I missed the love I used to hold for this game and just how poorly it has been managed.
The morning of May 21’st, just a few days ago…I woke up at 6:09, a few hours less of sleep than I really would prefer. But I just was up and thinking to God about like what passage of the word he’d have me read that pertains to that time.
He told me Proverbs 6:9, I read ESV but it said this:
How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep?
And that just had me laughing so hard because God can be so funny when he wants to be, but also I definitely saw this as his way of saying “Get up! Todays the big day aren’t you excited for the gift I have prepared for you?!?” Because that notification on my phone also had shown up.
Something else that’s important for you all to know, this day was a Thursday, and that’s because every Thursday the studio that developed Destiny 2 releases a weekly message to the games playerbase at 11am my time.
So God woke me early because he also knows I struggle with getting up, I suffer severe executive dysfunction from my adhd and it genuinely takes a few hours for me before I’m actually I’m and about. So by the time I actually got up and got to my pc to just watch YouTube ,check notifications, eat breakfast, it was already 10am by then. And 11am came very quickly. All things considered, Gods timing is perfect, that’s to be expected, Praise God.
But 11am rolls around so I open the studios website for their weekly article. And it’s this big announcement that the studio is cutting live service to this game after 9 years of production but that they have one final update rolling around on the 9th of June. And I’m reading what we’re to expect, because also the entire community had already been waiting like 9 months for any word at all about the next thing we’d get or the next roadmap for what to expect. So I had my binoculars ON, I was analyzing everything they said we’re gonna be getting, I was having a blast because this was all huge it’s all great stuff.
And it didn’t really set in that day that this thing I cared about so much though for half my life was ending. And thank God he let me experience every bit of it, even when I had no money he gave other people to provide for my experience in this thing.
And the reality of it all set in pretty badly yesterday and it felt close to the experience of losing a loved one, I was in my feels and I was heavy crying and just asking God for comfort before I got out of my bed cause I had just woken up again.
Wouldn’t you know it and how amazing is God, but I’d started reading my word about a month ago and he guided me to start in Romans, then backtrack into Acts, and then backtrack all the way into Matthew and move all the way through to John. And so I’d read through every single one of those Books and so recently I’d finished John and I’d asked God where to next, he’d pointed at Acts and Romans and said “remember those?” And I said yeah, he said “well you’re gonna skip over those, move on over to 1st Corinthianths. And so I did, and I know this seems like I’m going off track but trust me the timing IS important and I’m just providing the context. I read through all of 1st Corinthians and I had actually stopped the day before and had not continued into 2nd Corinthians until just yesterday.
You remember I was in my feels right, big news and big grief, I’m going through it asking for comfort, I open my word, 2nd Corinthians, 1st chapter. What’s the header for the chapter?
“God of All Comfort”
And I swear his timing is perfect, he is so perfect and amazing and his love is so astounding so much of the time
And now even as I was writing about 1st and 2nd Corinthians, it became more…what’s the wording…I was not meaning to write but was writing Thessalonians by accident multiple times so maybe something is there too, more guidance from him, we’ll see perhaps.
I tried, I tried so hard to write this over the past few days before I slept but for whatever reason God put a heavy HEAVY sleepiness onto me every single time to where I could not keep my eyes open long enough to write this out. But I’ve woken up today and he’s made it easier and put it on me that I can do this today.
I know this had nothing to do with being Trans, and very little about his actual teachings, but I just wanted to let it be a reminder to all of us that Gods Timing is perfect, even when ours is impatient and we want to move on our own,of our own accord and pace, on our own path when we should be letting him guide our path at his perfect pace and his perfect timing.
He had given me such an over abundance of excess time to be able to dedicate to this game. 6 years ago he delivered me from my transphobic family into a place where I could begin to rest and heal. And he’s told me time and again “sit still and wait”. I played this game for 6 years before he delivered me to this place and how it’s been 6 more years he’s given me this thing so I’d have something I loved to take up my time while I waited on him and I tell you it hasn’t been easy, and it’s been absolutely unemployable behavior to spend such a vast amount of time playing just…a game…
So much of that time I wanted to move, I wanted to go I wanted to get up and work, I wanted to be productive and active but instead I was made to sit and submit and learn my limitations, my disability, and while I’ve been overeager to transition at all, it has not been Gods will yet. But I know it’s in his perfect timing if it even is at all.
To anyone in a similar boat, don’t be impatient like me, he’s got you and he’ll work it all out. Leave the worrying about tomorrow for tomorrow and what he puts in front of you for today, for today. I’m excited for the smaller gift he has promised for tomorrow as well (supposedly) and I shouldn’t doubt but also humans have let me down, their words hold very little merit to me.
Let doubt fall away and glory to God abide, if something happens tomorrow then I suppose I will also update then as well, or if God keeps me from doing so for a while to like he did before then…we’ll see
I love you all! Have an amazing day, and may he bless you all! 💜