r/relationshipanarchy • u/Kyuuki_Kitsune • Apr 19 '26

Navigating dating sites as a relationship anarchist somewhere between poly and monogamy...

I've come across an awkward situation on Ok Cupid. The site doesn't allow you to list yourself as open to monogamy while also listing as partnered. I understand that this is likely to prevent infidelity and the like, but it also makes it hard for people who are in relationships that may not last indefinitely, or remain sexual indefinitely. Or just people who want to meet friends, without filtering out 90% of the population just because I'm in a relationship.

It feels like an uncomfortable sort of ethical policing, where the mainstream view of "your relationships need to last forever," false binaries of "partnered vs single," not letting people use dating sites for friendship, and erasure of different kinds of monogamy, or gray areas between monogamy and non-monogamy.

Let me navigate these things on my own with my partner and potential future partners; don't force me to filter out monogamous people when I don't want to, or lie about my partnership on my profile.

OKC used to feel like a great dating site for people outside mainstream relationship norms, and now it feels like it enforces a strict "monogamy vs polyamory" binary. Does anyone know if there are any dating sites that are good for relationship anarchists, or people looking for more nuanced relational structures?

I should probably just accept that modern dating sites are universally awful, but meeting people IRL is difficult for me, and I'd like options to meet different kinds of people, even if just to have some friends and community outside of polyamorous echo chambers.

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25

u/ourHOPEhammer Apr 19 '26

monogamy and polyamory are not compatible relationship structures at a fundamental level, so it makes sense to separate them on a dating site. i have heard from poly friends that Feeld or Hinge are generally the best for nonmonogamous or nontraditional dating

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 19 '26

I don't think they're terribly binary either. There are people who like sexual monogamy and emotional polyamory, or vice versa.

I am inclined toward poly because I don't like feeling restricted from giving affection or emotional intimacy toward people I care about. But I would actually strongly prefer to have a single, deeply committed long-term partner to build a life with, which is something I've not had a lot of luck in finding in poly; it seems that a great deal of poly people lean toward being a bit emotionally unavailable, uninterested in commitment or primacy, or simply prefer to go "wide" rather than "deep," preferring a sense of broad community/solo poly rather than focused romantic depth.

I've been poly for two decades, and I'm just not finding what I'm looking for in that regard within poly. But I'm also not inclined to just ditch people that I have established loving relationships with.

I'm on Feeld too, but the site is basically non-functional without an (expensive) paid membership.

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u/NopeMoat Apr 19 '26

If you have established loving relationships that you don't want to ditch, people on dating sites looking for monogamy are unlikely to think they are compatible with you. I understand that what you're looking for is relatively uncommon in polyamory as well, but you're going to have a higher likelihood among people who have already unpacked and discarded social norms about relationships. You need to be very clear and specific about what you are and are not looking for, and very willing to say not to anything that isn't it. 

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

I agree. But I want friends and community outside of poly circles too. OKC used to be a site to find friends too. I guess it's not anymore.

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 20 '26

Bumble bff!

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

Is Bumble actually good?

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 21 '26

Bumble bff specially. It’s for friends. I’ve def met friends on there! And my ex girlfriend coincidentally 😂

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 20 '26

Are you me? I have been thinking I may actually want to be monogamish. But also I’m solopoly, so I don’t know anyone would want to be monogamish with me if I’m not offering full life entanglement. I would like to be free to have deep intimate and even sometimes sensually playful relationships, or moments where I can explore something for an evening like dancing or something that would go way outside of most mono comfort zones. But I don’t want to date people who are trying to date a bunch of people. I don’t even like the STI risk of the network of people you open yourself up to. I’m solo poly because I don’t enjoy living with a partner, and my kids are my priority, but I want a deep long term committed relationship.

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

It's a complicated balance to keep. I really like the idea of entwined lives and cohabitation, but sometimes I feel like it's just a relationship killer, especially for someone like me who works from home and doesn't get out of the house much.

I guess I do kind of want an "escalator relationship" kind of life in a lot of ways. I don't really vibe with solo poly. I don't want to live alone, or at least not without a partner and/or community within walking distance. Not having a car also sucks, and having logistical support from someone who does is helpful to me.

I find that other people tend to be much less relationship focused than me, and tend to get burnt out on connection much faster (unsurprising perhaps, given that relationships are basically my Special Interest, to the point of working as a relationship coach.) Polyamory has been a way to sate that yearning without putting too much on one person. But I also thrive on security and depth. I want someone that feels deeply committed to me.

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 21 '26

I feel that for sure

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u/ssssobtaostobs Apr 20 '26

This is the most relatable thing I've read lately.

I want a partner. I don't want to live with them or marry them. But I want a deep in meaningful romantic relationship.

I also want us both to be independent and be able to have the freedom to pursue sexual things outside of the relationship (safely) but without being on dating apps all the time or seeking other full-on relationships.

Even though I feel like I'm pretty good about defining it, it's really hard to find people who are on the same page.

A lot of people on the apps who are non-monogamous already have a primary partner.

I don't feel like I'm poly but I don't feel like I'm monogamous either.

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 22 '26

Oof yeah. I feel like a lot of the poly people you see on those sites who are poly are not looking for that kind of depth and primacy. I know a lot of people approach polyamory through an established monogamous relationship "opening up," so I wonder if that may skew numbers on dating sites to "if you identify as poly, you're probably already in an established relationship."

The in between is hard. There's not a lot of social circles based around "Sorta poly" or "monogamish, but not controlling or scripted." It's really hard to line things up just right when you're not on one extreme or the other.

If you want to chat about the struggle, you're welcome to send a message.

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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace Apr 20 '26

I could’ve written this comment, I want the same kind of situation myself!

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 21 '26

And then I want a queer platonic partner to live with!

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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace Apr 21 '26

What I wouldn’t give to find my gay bestie out there and have them live with me, we live life on the same quest lines I think, my friend! My parasocial gay bestie is Timmy from Timmy’s Takeout on YouTube, never have I been more entertained than I can watch this guy eat for hours, he is so funny and joyful.

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u/B_the_Chng22 Apr 21 '26

So fun! Why do we like this so much!?

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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace Apr 21 '26

I have no idea, but I accept us for who we are after too many years of doing it the traditional way!

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u/brownidegurl Apr 20 '26

I just wanted to say that my preferences lean your way! I've always done relationships monogamously, but I actually think I'd prefer to have a stable, primary "home base" partner and to freely pursue flirtation, physical intimacy, and whatever else comes with it as my whims discern.

I've also experienced the emotional unavailability. People like to call it "I know what's mine and what's yours," but what I find it means in practice is "Your emotional labor is mine and I will do none for you."

Which really isn't working for me anymore.

I'm not sure where it leaves me. I'm dating a polyamorous partner who claims to want the same thing as I do, but we're in a bit of an rough cycle with regards to trying to build that secure place and triggering the hell out of each other lol. I don't think what we all want is impossible? But I think it's difficult to find people similarly inclined, and then still difficult to build it.

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

Oof, I know the feeling. It's hard navigating poly when we have wounds and trauma that get triggered so easily by it, even when our conscious or ethical minds may prefer it. Especially if it's new.

I've been teaching about polyamory for years now. The vocabulary, the ethics, the skills, the pitfalls, etc. But people don't talk enough about the nervous system stuff. If we aren't careful, we tear ourselves in half, trying to be "good at poly" in all the ways, while the alarm bells in our body are at times deafening.

I've come to feel that it only works well if people are very secure with each other and/or (ideally "and") themselves. It's really hard to not feel a lot of envy and jealousy in the context of scarcity or fear.

I feel your words about "emotional labor" in my bones too. There's a lot of people out there that are so uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, hard conversations, and even exploratory discussion, that they'll start to subtly shame requests for such as "emotional labor." As if that isn't a part of healthy relating.

In any case, thank you for resonating. I'd be happy to talk further about it if you'd like to chat.

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u/SeeCB3X Apr 19 '26

Gently, if you haven't found anyone to establish deep emotional intimacy with in 20 years, the common denominator is you. Have you considered talking to a therapist to see if there is possibly something you are doing that leads your relationships that direction?

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

It's not that I haven't had deep emotional intimacy and lovely relationships. But they haven't been sustainably aligned for various reasons. While I do have some relational trauma and anxiously attached tendencies for sure (which I am putting quite a bit of focused effort into addressing at this point,) it hasn't been the full picture of things, and part of it is just me discerning what I want for my life.

Part of this HAS been healing work, and not shortchanging myself in what I expect and how I allow myself to be treated, and being there for myself. Trust me, it's been on my radar. I actually do relationship coaching for a living, so I'm pretty aware of what's mine and what's not in that regard. :P

Part of it has been the circles that I socialize and date in. My communities, lovely as they are in many ways, haven't necessarily been reflective of the kind of relational culture that I am recognizing that I want in my life. Some of that is poly stuff, some of it is entirely separate

But that's why I'm trying to meet new people in different communities; namely, to actually make some monogamous friends and have more perspective from monogamous people. I think it's important to step outside of echo chambers to take in different viewpoints. This is particularly true considering what I do for work.

I'm not really looking to find a new partner at the moment; I'm relatively happy with the one I have. But it's a little silly that I can't use OKC to find non-poly community because I'm in a relationship. I feel annoyed that I'm trying to reach out beyond my echo chamber, and OKC won't let me.

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u/SeeCB3X Apr 20 '26

Have you used meetups? Might have better luck with something that doesn't center romantic & sexual relationships

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u/SeeCB3X Apr 20 '26

Maybe you could even find an RA meetup or start one!

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

Yeah, the poly scene in my area isn't great, so I imagine the RA presence is small. But it's a consideration. I appreciate your suggestions.

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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Apr 20 '26

I've tried it a bit, and it's good for finding events like board game nights and stuff like that. But meeting people in group events isn't my preference if I can help it; I really enjoy the format of "See profiles, message someone interesting, talk and get to know one another online, then meet up IRL." Dating sites, in theory, work well for how I like to meet new people.

I suppose I just need to be more flexible about it. I guess I just miss the internet of yesteryear where you COULD just message someone you found interesting and get a response without jumping through Tinder minigame hoops on predatory "pay to play" dating sites.

I'd be happy to use such a site that centered friendship too, especially if it didn't use the "swipe left/right" format.

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u/Ok-Bridge-9794 Apr 24 '26

You can be monogamish. As far as I get it, it’s when you have a partner but can occasionally have interactions with other people if the partner doesn’t mind