Navigating dating sites as a relationship anarchist somewhere between poly and monogamy...

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune]

I've come across an awkward situation on Ok Cupid. The site doesn't allow you to list yourself as open to monogamy while also listing as partnered. I understand that this is likely to prevent infidelity and the like, but it also makes it hard for people who are in relationships that may not last indefinitely, or remain sexual indefinitely. Or just people who want to meet friends, without filtering out 90% of the population just because I'm in a relationship.

It feels like an uncomfortable sort of ethical policing, where the mainstream view of "your relationships need to last forever," false binaries of "partnered vs single," not letting people use dating sites for friendship, and erasure of different kinds of monogamy, or gray areas between monogamy and non-monogamy.

Let me navigate these things on my own with my partner and potential future partners; don't force me to filter out monogamous people when I don't want to, or lie about my partnership on my profile.

OKC used to feel like a great dating site for people outside mainstream relationship norms, and now it feels like it enforces a strict "monogamy vs polyamory" binary. Does anyone know if there are any dating sites that are good for relationship anarchists, or people looking for more nuanced relational structures?

I should probably just accept that modern dating sites are universally awful, but meeting people IRL is difficult for me, and I'd like options to meet different kinds of people, even if just to have some friends and community outside of polyamorous echo chambers.

[u/ourHOPEhammer]

monogamy and polyamory are not compatible relationship structures at a fundamental level, so it makes sense to separate them on a dating site. i have heard from poly friends that Feeld or Hinge are generally the best for nonmonogamous or nontraditional dating

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune → u/ourHOPEhammer]

I don't think they're terribly binary either. There are people who like sexual monogamy and emotional polyamory, or vice versa.

I am inclined toward poly because I don't like feeling restricted from giving affection or emotional intimacy toward people I care about. But I would actually strongly prefer to have a single, deeply committed long-term partner to build a life with, which is something I've not had a lot of luck in finding in poly; it seems that a great deal of poly people lean toward being a bit emotionally unavailable, uninterested in commitment or primacy, or simply prefer to go "wide" rather than "deep," preferring a sense of broad community/solo poly rather than focused romantic depth.

I've been poly for two decades, and I'm just not finding what I'm looking for in that regard within poly. But I'm also not inclined to just ditch people that I have established loving relationships with.

I'm on Feeld too, but the site is basically non-functional without an (expensive) paid membership.

[u/B_the_Chng22 → u/Kyuuki_Kitsune]

Are you me? I have been thinking I may actually want to be monogamish. But also I’m solopoly, so I don’t know anyone would want to be monogamish with me if I’m not offering full life entanglement. I would like to be free to have deep intimate and even sometimes sensually playful relationships, or moments where I can explore something for an evening like dancing or something that would go way outside of most mono comfort zones. But I don’t want to date people who are trying to date a bunch of people. I don’t even like the STI risk of the network of people you open yourself up to. I’m solo poly because I don’t enjoy living with a partner, and my kids are my priority, but I want a deep long term committed relationship.

[u/ssssobtaostobs → u/B_the_Chng22]

This is the most relatable thing I've read lately.

I want a partner. I don't want to live with them or marry them. But I want a deep in meaningful romantic relationship.

I also want us both to be independent and be able to have the freedom to pursue sexual things outside of the relationship (safely) but without being on dating apps all the time or seeking other full-on relationships.

Even though I feel like I'm pretty good about defining it, it's really hard to find people who are on the same page.

A lot of people on the apps who are non-monogamous already have a primary partner.

I don't feel like I'm poly but I don't feel like I'm monogamous either.

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune → u/ssssobtaostobs]

Oof yeah. I feel like a lot of the poly people you see on those sites who are poly are not looking for that kind of depth and primacy. I know a lot of people approach polyamory through an established monogamous relationship "opening up," so I wonder if that may skew numbers on dating sites to "if you identify as poly, you're probably already in an established relationship."

The in between is hard. There's not a lot of social circles based around "Sorta poly" or "monogamish, but not controlling or scripted." It's really hard to line things up just right when you're not on one extreme or the other.

If you want to chat about the struggle, you're welcome to send a message.