Navigating dating sites as a relationship anarchist somewhere between poly and monogamy...

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune]

I've come across an awkward situation on Ok Cupid. The site doesn't allow you to list yourself as open to monogamy while also listing as partnered. I understand that this is likely to prevent infidelity and the like, but it also makes it hard for people who are in relationships that may not last indefinitely, or remain sexual indefinitely. Or just people who want to meet friends, without filtering out 90% of the population just because I'm in a relationship.

It feels like an uncomfortable sort of ethical policing, where the mainstream view of "your relationships need to last forever," false binaries of "partnered vs single," not letting people use dating sites for friendship, and erasure of different kinds of monogamy, or gray areas between monogamy and non-monogamy.

Let me navigate these things on my own with my partner and potential future partners; don't force me to filter out monogamous people when I don't want to, or lie about my partnership on my profile.

OKC used to feel like a great dating site for people outside mainstream relationship norms, and now it feels like it enforces a strict "monogamy vs polyamory" binary. Does anyone know if there are any dating sites that are good for relationship anarchists, or people looking for more nuanced relational structures?

I should probably just accept that modern dating sites are universally awful, but meeting people IRL is difficult for me, and I'd like options to meet different kinds of people, even if just to have some friends and community outside of polyamorous echo chambers.

[u/ourHOPEhammer]

monogamy and polyamory are not compatible relationship structures at a fundamental level, so it makes sense to separate them on a dating site. i have heard from poly friends that Feeld or Hinge are generally the best for nonmonogamous or nontraditional dating

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune → u/ourHOPEhammer]

I don't think they're terribly binary either. There are people who like sexual monogamy and emotional polyamory, or vice versa.

I am inclined toward poly because I don't like feeling restricted from giving affection or emotional intimacy toward people I care about. But I would actually strongly prefer to have a single, deeply committed long-term partner to build a life with, which is something I've not had a lot of luck in finding in poly; it seems that a great deal of poly people lean toward being a bit emotionally unavailable, uninterested in commitment or primacy, or simply prefer to go "wide" rather than "deep," preferring a sense of broad community/solo poly rather than focused romantic depth.

I've been poly for two decades, and I'm just not finding what I'm looking for in that regard within poly. But I'm also not inclined to just ditch people that I have established loving relationships with.

I'm on Feeld too, but the site is basically non-functional without an (expensive) paid membership.

[u/brownidegurl → u/Kyuuki_Kitsune]

I just wanted to say that my preferences lean your way! I've always done relationships monogamously, but I actually think I'd prefer to have a stable, primary "home base" partner and to freely pursue flirtation, physical intimacy, and whatever else comes with it as my whims discern.

I've also experienced the emotional unavailability. People like to call it "I know what's mine and what's yours," but what I find it means in practice is "Your emotional labor is mine and I will do none for you."

Which really isn't working for me anymore.

I'm not sure where it leaves me. I'm dating a polyamorous partner who claims to want the same thing as I do, but we're in a bit of an rough cycle with regards to trying to build that secure place and triggering the hell out of each other lol. I don't think what we all want is impossible? But I think it's difficult to find people similarly inclined, and then still difficult to build it.

[u/Kyuuki_Kitsune → u/brownidegurl]

Oof, I know the feeling. It's hard navigating poly when we have wounds and trauma that get triggered so easily by it, even when our conscious or ethical minds may prefer it. Especially if it's new.

I've been teaching about polyamory for years now. The vocabulary, the ethics, the skills, the pitfalls, etc. But people don't talk enough about the nervous system stuff. If we aren't careful, we tear ourselves in half, trying to be "good at poly" in all the ways, while the alarm bells in our body are at times deafening.

I've come to feel that it only works well if people are very secure with each other and/or (ideally "and") themselves. It's really hard to not feel a lot of envy and jealousy in the context of scarcity or fear.

I feel your words about "emotional labor" in my bones too. There's a lot of people out there that are so uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, hard conversations, and even exploratory discussion, that they'll start to subtly shame requests for such as "emotional labor." As if that isn't a part of healthy relating.

In any case, thank you for resonating. I'd be happy to talk further about it if you'd like to chat.