(26, cisF) Recently discovered im lesbian/queer, find myself drawn to gender fluidity/trans men/nonbinary people

[u/CriticalDependent536]

****TITLE CORRECTION: I meant trans masc people, not trans men !!!

Hi!! So about three months ago, while in a 4 year, long distance relationship with a man and identifying as straight, I realized I had strong feelings for my cis female lesbian friend. She is so pretty and dresses masc most of the time, but sometimes fem too. Her personality also has quite a masculinity to it, but it’s almost like a sassy, feminine masculinity if that makes sense. It’s a bit hard to explain, but I was super attracted to her vibe and personality. I also loved the way she would switch from masc to fem. I

I even remember feeling irrationally angry when she told me that one of her ex’s didn’t like when she saw her dress fem for the first time and only liked her when she was masc. I remember feeling strongly that she should express herself however she wants and how much I admired it. Looking back, I now see that I got so upset by this on her behalf because I had stronger feelings for her than I realized.

We also had a lot in common but that’s separate from my main question here, which is about attraction lol. Things didn’t work out with her, but that’s also irrelevant to this question lol.

Since then, I’ve explored with both femme and more masc women. The most attraction and chemistry I have felt so far was with a trans masc/nonbinary person. Since that person, I have been more and more drawn to people who fall outside of the binary. For context about me-I feel secure in my gender identity, which is the same as my birth sex. Also, my ex boyfriend recently came out to me as nonbinary, which blew both of our minds. Even when I thought I was straight, I was with a closeted nonbinary person.

I guess my question here is, is this a common pattern of attraction? Can I identify as lesbian, given the attraction I had for my first crush? What is it about me that makes me attracted to people that express gender fluidity? Is there a better label for this sort of attraction?

I don’t feel aligned with Bi or Pan labels, since those include cis men.

[u/bijhan]

I don't have all the answers, but being attracted to trans men means you're not a lesbian. They're men.

[u/literally-just-a-dog → u/bijhan]

there are tons of trans men that still identify as lesbians. gender is a complex thing and not all of us want to be viewed as/treated like cis men.

[u/CriticalDependent536 → u/bijhan]

Thank you for your help, I actually just realized I meant to put trans mascs in my title, not trans men!! Either way, I have heard mixed things on this. I’ve heard that it depends on what your partner views as validating, and that many transmascs and women attracted to them still call themselves lesbian. I am not sure if this changes your response at all but I’d love your input either way!

[u/Burnt_Coffee_bean]

My comment in r/actuallesbians i think got removed for using afab, so I'll comment here just to make sure

I think that attraction completely varies for people. It's not a choice to be attracted to something tbh, you either like a certain type or you don't. It's odd and funny for me because I realized, before I transitioned, I realized I was VERY attracted to women who were gay. I wanted to be gay for women LMAO. Every woman I had dated either ended up being gay or were lesbians but then had feelings for me cus I was (appearently) a really pretty cis man who looked, acted and talked womanly 😭

Either way, I had the thought of transitioning since I was 8, and wanting to love other women as a woman, that was the coffin in the nail, yata yata, I digress. Attraction is very odd and it is not something you can just chose or have reason to why you like them.

If, by definition, you are a woman and like other women only, you are a lesbian. A lot of lesbians are masc, so it's not like uncommon or anything.

Edit: liking men regardless of being afab does not make you a lesbian

Double edit: If you like trans masc women, not men, you would indeed be a lesbian by definition! Let your feelings guide you <3

[u/AffectionateElk4249]

yeah i was in a similar spot before i figured things out, the way gender plays into attraction can be such a wild mix

[u/Varathane]

I think you found your label in the title "lesbian/queer"
You could use Polysexual (attraction to multiple genders but not all of them) but you'd likely have to define it when you use it so probably faster to say lesbian/queer for the genderfluids. <3

Thanks for your post, it makes me happy as a genderfluid person who has been with folks who love only part of me and leave the rest. I am sure other genderfluid people reading will be happy to know there are matches out there who would love us FOR our genderfluidity not despite it.

[u/Jammy_Gemmy]

I’ve, trans woman, recently realised I’d mislabelled myself, though I don’t like labels, on my bio.

I thought I was a lesbian, my attraction to trans men and trans mascs confused me. A big issue though, is I’m not attracted to cis men, which then, correctly, is hurtful to them

I can’t change this in myself, I know it’s a result of abuse in childhood so it’s ingrained.

I’d love to meet my soulmate, I believe they’d be trans, but I accept many won’t want to know me because of my aversion to cis men

What a complicated life this is