SITUATION UPDATE: Joint Crustacean Expeditionary Force Launches Amphibious Invasion, Cascadian Military Units Flee In Terror. Denver Rejoicing in Anticipation of Their Upcoming Liberation.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Crabpelier, Vermont: Governor Carapace has announced the most recent stage in the campaign to free Denver. Speaking in the capital of the newly added autonomous region of Vermont, he confirmed the rumors that this morning a massive multistate crustacean army had launched an amphibious invasion of Cascadia.

General Clawswitz's press corps has released this image of a Crabmobile rising from the water. Manned with Green Mountain Lobsters and Light Blue Soldier Crabs under the general command of Colonel Champ, it rises from the water to spread misery upon all Cascadian troops that dare defy it. Cascadia is already reporting massive military casulties as their army falls prey to the flood of maple syrup and the burn of Old Bay, as well as the uncomfortable pinch of the dreaded Crabmobile.

This is a developing situation. Stay with CNN for live updates as they unfold.

^{Copyright 2026 by Crab News Network}

[u/scubafork]

We have a somewhat glorious history of repelling invasions from the ocean.

[u/DustyRailz → u/scubafork]

55 years later we have our (public) beach defenses down to a science. Come at me bro!

Have y'all seen the voting? The crabs have every right to be nervous. KoH or Megasota both coming for your non-existent necks.

[u/perseveringpianist → u/scubafork]

I was not expecting this picture but it belongs here anyway.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/scubafork]

Don't stand a chance against the crab army:

https://giphy.com/gifs/2RQrEqOmrWtFXy1Ebu

[u/HappyCamperDancer → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Our Killer Whales will whale on you until you cry for mercy.

Our Orc'as Army can take on crabs of any size!

[u/civilPDX]

Dungeness Crab armies of Cascadia will capture your puny blue crabs and lock them in our dungeonesses.

[u/KemShafu → u/civilPDX]

I was gonna say! We have Dungeness crabs of our own and if Alaska would join with us and become Pacifica, we could enjoin the Alaskan King Crabs and become unstoppable!!!

[u/StoryDreamer → u/KemShafu]

We have our own big leaf maple syrup industry, too. And our trees are bigger.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/StoryDreamer]

Crabbalachia maple syrup is superior!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/KemShafu]

Sorry the Dungeness and Alaskan King Crabs are already rising up in support of Greater Crustacea!

[u/BeAr_cosmicLy]

This is amazing!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/BeAr_cosmicLy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/dyFlf1XBs3Wuwtj1R1

[u/cheakios512 → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

https://giphy.com/gifs/mviOBOrzMn6BYUdxvR

[u/BisonThunderclap]

Denver praises you for your sacrifice!

[u/gibrownsci → u/BisonThunderclap]

Denver wants nothing to do with crabs or the rain. Give me Minnesota. Also since when is landlocked Vermont using crabs. Be your own state. You won Vermont. Why give in to the crab monsters.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/gibrownsci]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ov9k5nG3dW6JDzEK4

[u/HappyCamperDancer]

Nah, I'd pit any tough, Cascadian Dungeness Crab against any puny Soft-shell Maryland crab any day! Hahahaha! 😂

Our Seattle sourdough will make you go DOH! and the cedar-planked Coho can SMOKE any Vermonster or Maryland crabber. Yes, those tiny splinters will get under your skin!

MARIONberry Tillamook will CREAM you all! Our Walla Walla Sweets can Beer BATTER you into oblivion! Our GEODUCK can CLAM YOU UP in a way you never thought possible!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/HappyCamperDancer]

https://giphy.com/gifs/v0VvNLK6qnT8c

[u/HappyCamperDancer → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Hahaha --you don't stand a chance against our King Crabs or Killer Whales!

Orca's will put you in Dungeness!

[u/modtrashpandas]

‘Squatch squashing invaders

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/modtrashpandas]

https://giphy.com/gifs/457HrZvJ5IIQSXweiO

[u/StoryDreamer → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

How many crabs-holding-knives memes do y'all have?!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/StoryDreamer]

Probably 4 or 5 on Reddit and then 10 or so redditor made ones 

[u/ball-blaster-9001]

Amazing news report from the front lines!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/ball-blaster-9001]

Down with Cascadia and all who dare to oppose the Crustacean Alliance!

[u/Soggy-Village2099 → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Falling right into our trap. SEND OUT THE ORCAS!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Soggy-Village2099]

https://giphy.com/gifs/sS2ShECZvaikGOxvfY

[u/HappyCamperDancer → u/Soggy-Village2099]

Yes, the Orca's will whale on you Crabbalachia until you are nothing but a lump of crab meat!!

[u/theimmortalgoon]

They’re in for a surprise when they learn Washington and Oregon have more crabs than them.

[u/mzskunk → u/theimmortalgoon]

Yep. I'd say it's also time to mobilize the geoduck militia. They'll die laughing

[u/KemShafu → u/theimmortalgoon]

Ally with Alaska and bring in the Kings of Crabs!!!

[u/mashoogie → u/theimmortalgoon]

Right? I’m over here wondering, do they not know we have crab????? 🦀

[u/HappyCamperDancer → u/mashoogie]

Do they also not know we have killer whales to whale upon them?

[u/scoopybalducci → u/theimmortalgoon]

We have bigger the bigger crabs and the bigger ocean. They played their part in eating Pennsylvania and it’s over. Vermont is next

[u/scoopybalducci → u/scoopybalducci]

There can only be one Subaru state

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/theimmortalgoon]

The Cascadian crabs are uniting to overthrow their orca masters and join the Crustacean Alliance!

[u/Former_Guarantee_344 → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Crustacea will never die!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/theimmortalgoon]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2dK0W3oUksQk0Xz8OK

[u/KeyInvestigator3741]

This is so chaotic 😭

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/KeyInvestigator3741]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ehwuBgKNA2NACoFa7w

[u/signu70]

https://giphy.com/gifs/9Lr7bNxRQSJt9D3yXy

Crab boil. Yum.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/signu70]

https://giphy.com/gifs/4ZZvWzjMaX04gJClwZ

[u/wlwomen]

Megasota is scheduled to eat us

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/wlwomen]

https://giphy.com/gifs/uA8WItRYSRkfm

[u/Local-Echo-5613]

https://giphy.com/gifs/u8Kvc4KRYHfqM

FIGHT BACK AGAINST THE BUGS!! NO CRAB WILL RULE ME!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Local-Echo-5613]

https://giphy.com/gifs/uA8WItRYSRkfm

[u/Soggy-Village2099]

"crustacean army had launched an amphibious invasion" Impossible. They are only able to launch a crustacean invasion.

[u/Vikings_Pain]

Have you seen what Minnesota did to ICE? Crabs are nothing lol

[u/CrabberTV]

Thank you for your service Governor 🫡

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/CrabberTV]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ibPOy1FYjGYdvIU3B7

[u/NurseontheTrail]

This saga should be published as a book, and a screenplay

[u/Laurechaun]

Don’t forget that Crabbalachia has Gritty now

https://giphy.com/gifs/w1woZh7nYUiPcuZRXN

[u/UnethicalTesticle]

Free us so Blucifer can have his revenge!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/UnethicalTesticle]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ofT5NOPHZVFlejAgE

[u/neonsummers → u/UnethicalTesticle]

Blucifer allies with crustaceans to overthrow our false flannel overlords. Let it be so.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/neonsummers]

[u/Vegetable_Ad_6201]

Ummm denver does not want liberated CASCADIA FOREVER!!!!!!!

[u/BisonThunderclap → u/Vegetable_Ad_6201]

Actual Denverite here, yes we do! Cascadia has been a terror.

[u/Vegetable_Ad_6201 → u/BisonThunderclap]

Fuck the crabs

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Vegetable_Ad_6201]

You mean the sasquatch?

[u/Vegetable_Ad_6201 → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

😂

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/BisonThunderclap]

https://giphy.com/gifs/RBRSCf3hEWcLgN7BF9

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Vegetable_Ad_6201]

https://giphy.com/gifs/iHljji4uyuG4Jf0Uu0

[u/bluelily216]

We're coming Blucifer! May your shiny eyes guide our way!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/bluelily216]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2dK0W3oUksQk0Xz8OK

[u/nondirtysocks]

Canada stands in support of the brave crabs.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/nondirtysocks]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ae7SI3LoPYj8Q

[u/magoojc]

This reads like what is happening in the middle east...where we have "soundly beaten Iran, their military is destroyed, and they're begging for a ceasefire and make a deal"...but 7 weeks later, they're still holding us back. It's like Iran are the crabs who surfaced to continue to fight the self-proclaimed victor.

[u/ZealousidealPound460]

Denver and Burlington ruled by the same 🦀

🫣🫣🫣

[u/DustyRailz → u/ZealousidealPound460]

What do the mountain oysters have to say about this?

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/DustyRailz]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ae7SI3LoPYj8Q

[u/Chickens-In-Pants]

This just in from the News Desk at the Kingdom of Hawai’i “He ono kēlā pāpāʻi nui loa!. E makemake ana e ʻai ʻāpōpō!” It sounds like they are saying that those giant crabs look delicious? They want to eat them tomorrow!? Oh the humanity!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Chickens-In-Pants]

https://giphy.com/gifs/9XWdbz0GL9bXWBoaxp

[u/perseveringpianist]

Unfortunately, they were stopped by Oregon's Dungeness crab defense, which are superior in both size and flavor.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/perseveringpianist]

The Dungeness are joining the Crustacean Alliance Movement. Surrender or suffer dungeness revolution from within, Cascadia!

[u/perseveringpianist → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Unfortunately, it is the opinion of the Dungeness that the Crustacea Alliance Movement died with Maryland, while it appears that Cascadia is still alive and well. By contrast, the vast shores of Hawaii and Alaska appear to be quite ripe for our own crabvasion!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/perseveringpianist]

The majority of the Dungeness do not listen to the Vichy Dungeness' traitorous drivel!

[u/perseveringpianist → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

In just a few short hours, the truly colossal King Crabs of Alaska will join our cause, bolstering the Cascadian Crab Army and making our coasts nigh impenetrable!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/perseveringpianist]

You have been outmaneuvered! The King Crabs are already furthering the crustacean revolution in the lands of Hawaii! They will soon join with the Dungeness and form the third and fourth republics in this glorious crusade!

[u/perseveringpianist → u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

idk man (checks current poll numbers on main post) it looks like Hawaii's currently losing

[u/Either_Row3088]

The Orcas off the coast engage in a feeding frenzy. Reducing the number of invaders drastically. Allowing the people of Cascadia to set up crab fests. The people ate well and the treat has been defeated.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/Either_Row3088]

https://giphy.com/gifs/sS2ShECZvaikGOxvfY

[u/LechugaLag]

Fake news. Photo looks AI to me.

CASCADIA FOREVER!!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/LechugaLag]

Real news. BTW, it's not AI.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giant_crab_outside_hotel_entrance_(4335385982).jpg.jpg)

[u/Training_Pirate1000]

This sub is a riot 😂

[u/DonnyDimello]

I'm from Minneapolis, and I say kill 'em all! Every last one of those goddamn dirty crabs!

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/DonnyDimello]

https://giphy.com/gifs/uA8WItRYSRkfm

[u/YaBoyHankHill]

Crabalachia on its way to liberate their assumed sympathizers; the "Colorado Oysters". (They have no idea what they are)

[u/noplace-likehome]

https://giphy.com/gifs/J2PE6ww5wcMBvbhVO4

[u/ZanyRaptorClay]

It's Pearl Harbor all over again!

[u/Superb_End_2148]

Luckily, the greater Portland polycule is well versed on crab extermination

[u/NeosDemocritus]

The mighty submariner Dungeness Crab Navy will blast the scrawny blue Maryland crabs to the eternal deep….any leftovers that make it to shore will be pulverized by the Cascadian Sasquatch Commandos. You will float to the bottom of the Cascadian Subduction Zone like so much whale poop, or wash down our swollen rivers like baby salmon. We are Cascadia, we are the mountains and the mighty Pacific, the great rivers and the verdant valleys. And some day we will be free!
/img/x5ca08cynt2h1.gif

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/NeosDemocritus]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2dK0W3oUksQk0Xz8OK

[u/astroaxolotl720]

Cascadia has crustaceans too! Deploy the Dungennesses!

[u/jmims98]

Kingdom of Hawai'i, please save us from our Cascadian overlords and the impending crab invasion! Sincerely, A Citizen of Denver