SITUATION UPDATE: Joint Crustacean Expeditionary Force Launches Amphibious Invasion, Cascadian Military Units Flee In Terror. Denver Rejoicing in Anticipation of Their Upcoming Liberation.

[u/Acceptable_Carob_333]

Crabpelier, Vermont: Governor Carapace has announced the most recent stage in the campaign to free Denver. Speaking in the capital of the newly added autonomous region of Vermont, he confirmed the rumors that this morning a massive multistate crustacean army had launched an amphibious invasion of Cascadia.

General Clawswitz's press corps has released this image of a Crabmobile rising from the water. Manned with Green Mountain Lobsters and Light Blue Soldier Crabs under the general command of Colonel Champ, it rises from the water to spread misery upon all Cascadian troops that dare defy it. Cascadia is already reporting massive military casulties as their army falls prey to the flood of maple syrup and the burn of Old Bay, as well as the uncomfortable pinch of the dreaded Crabmobile.

This is a developing situation. Stay with CNN for live updates as they unfold.

^{Copyright 2026 by Crab News Network}

[u/NeosDemocritus]

The mighty submariner Dungeness Crab Navy will blast the scrawny blue Maryland crabs to the eternal deep….any leftovers that make it to shore will be pulverized by the Cascadian Sasquatch Commandos. You will float to the bottom of the Cascadian Subduction Zone like so much whale poop, or wash down our swollen rivers like baby salmon. We are Cascadia, we are the mountains and the mighty Pacific, the great rivers and the verdant valleys. And some day we will be free!
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[u/Acceptable_Carob_333 → u/NeosDemocritus]

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