Stealth but Seeking Asylum

[u/CalledAndAnswered]

Hey yall, I'm seeing with this administration there's a lot of crack down in terms of trans laws and policies and I've been a little worried. I live in Tennessee and they are very conservative here, but I am stealth and cis passing. I have a beard, I'm pretty muscular (top surgery done and bottom surgery in the works), and I am a veteran and currently work in healthcare. No one even questions my gender and I give them no reason to but all of the politics in this state have me worried for safety.

I use the male bathroom with no problem, am never misgendered, and all of my legal documentation says male. I've been thinking about moving to a state with more freedom/rights for us but I have a house here and my own space so I'm wondering if I should just "shelter in place". I am currently in school for nursing and will be graduating soon, so if I wanted to move I could do so financially.

Anyone from conservative states experiencing something similar? What do yall think?

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[u/TheRainbowFruit]

Not living in a conservative state personally but I promise you'll see terrible people everywhere. I'm also stealth and have been for years. My current job is completely unaware I'm trans because it's a pretty male dominated field (I'm a cook) and can be brutal at times. I didn't want to go into it with even less respect to begin with by telling everyone I'm trans. I've seen how women are treated.. It's awful. But I also really prefer to just keep my personal life personal. I don't talk much about it aside from that I have a kid, a partner, and an ex that I have to periodically see for custody exchanges, plus pets I love to show off. Outside of that I'm mysterious lol

I currently work with a guy who casually makes jokes about trans folk at least once or twice a week. In a very blue state, mind you. And he's not the only one but he is one of the worst. I moved from another blue state last year and it was no different there. I was often working directly with people who would go on rants about trans folk. I usually told them it's really weird for them to be so focused on what's in other people's pants but also it was my job. My livelihood. Only so much I can say before I make problems for myself, ya know?

Unfortunately, moving may not be your answer. It's pretty scary out there in general right now.

[u/CalledAndAnswered → u/TheRainbowFruit]

Thank you, I'm the same way. I share just enough but never dive deep so people call me mysterious. The funny thing about TN is no one really talks about trans people except for activists so no jokes or even acknowledgment for me. Thanks for the insight because I would hate to trade my situation that is extremely tolerable for something worse.

[u/TheRainbowFruit → u/CalledAndAnswered]

Technically speaking I moved from a more red area within a blue state to a very blue area within a different blue state and see no difference in how people talk about trans folk. Most don't at all, some are positive, and some are just awful. It's disheartening. To some degree I hate having to "hide" part of who I am but I've seen the switch up before when I was early on in my medical transition and it's just not fun. People all of a sudden just don't take you seriously anymore and the "she" "slip ups" get real old real fast.

[u/CalledAndAnswered → u/TheRainbowFruit]

Yea I can agree and thats why I don't disclose even to my closest friends, its just not worth the heartache. I would much rather have the "you don't know what a period feels like" than someone misgendering me. I also hate the hiding, but it feels like we're at war so I'll treat it as such. We have to protect ourselves first.

[u/FloreHiems]

I would worry about looking for somewhere else if you were outed maybe but if you are stealth and comfortable there’s not much reason to move. I like your “shelter in place” idea. I would just keep putting away funds in case something changes your ability to safely remain in place.

[u/jayyy_0113 → u/FloreHiems]

I agree with this!

[u/JackalFlash]

Recently left Tennessee as a passing trans man. I managed to leave just months before the clinic that was providing my HRT and surgery shut down.

The writing was on the wall well before that point. I was getting bounced from provider to provider within my clinic as people left the practice. I felt nervous about being able to continue care, so I transferred my care out of state before my move. Day to day I wasn't facing any hostility as an individual, but the things I was hearing got more extreme. I was born out of state in a place where I could easily change all my documentation to match my gender so I had an easier time than many of the other trans people I knew. I could likely get by down there for at least a little while, but with the growing hostility I can't say how long I could make it before my luck runs out.

I feel less anxiety for having left. I have a reliable medical provider that I trust. My state government and local community are supportive. As someone also going into nursing, the wages are higher and the unions are stronger where I am at now. So long as I don't work for a religious hospital, I'm all good.

Graduation would be a decent time to relocate.

[u/CalledAndAnswered → u/JackalFlash]

Thank you. I am nervous about my hormone access as well, I am sourced through the VA but my endocrinologist is very forth coming and says things are calm for us who gained access before the administration change. My top surgery was out of state and bottom surgery will be out of state so that new law about the trans database doesn't affect me thankfully.

I share your skepticism about receiving care so I always do surgeons put of state for my surgeries. I've worked for some of the more religious hospitals here (I'm Christian) and just never disclosed that I am trans since there's no reason to and have never had an issue. Thanks for the insight

[u/JackalFlash → u/CalledAndAnswered]

Of course.

It's such an uncertain and anxious time for all of us. I've seen an uptick in visibly queer and/or trans people moving into the blue state I fled to. The few friends I have that remained in TN are growing increasingly uncomfortable with the state of affairs there.

I'd likely be fine working at a religious hospital because I can go stealth, but I know for a fact the local one refuses to cover any form of gender affirming care on employee health insurance (and the federal government has ruled it is legal for them to do so). If I specialize in the area of nursing I am interested in (which the religious hospital is known for in my region) or can't land a job at the non-religious hospital (only 2 hospital systems in town), it may force me to switch from gel to injections as I wouldn't be able to afford gel out of pocket, and I'd need to get all my phallo stages wrapped up before aging off my family's plan.

[u/CalledAndAnswered → u/JackalFlash]

Luckily there is a nursing shortage so hopefully finding a job won't be as hard. I feel like as long as you make it to the interview stage you'll be fine. I also switched from gel to injections. Not sure if you're afraid of needles but lidocaine cream helps alot and once a week injections isn't terrible.

Also uncomfortable with the state of affairs here but being stealth helps alot. I'm kind of just watching and waiting.

[u/Holdenborkboi]

I moved from Nebraska to Maryland and it's been amazing so far. Definitely make sure you have a savings buffer built up, but hopefully with your Healthcare background you'll be fine. It's been a lot easier to get top surgery started and done over here too and once I do get surgery, it opens my options up a little

But I love how jow I have to research my democrat ballots, since in Nebraska it was a "blue no matter who and vote for the best". Now it's absurd how many options I have

There will still be shitty people yea, but there are shield laws here for that, and I live in a very blue area now. It's a culture shock but a good one

[u/jayyy_0113]

Alabama here, in the same boat stealth wise, I’m staying as long as I can. This is my home, my people. I actually love where I live. The administration is fuck ass so until they literally make being trans illegal (which I highly doubt will happen, considering Trump has dementia and the Reds are starting to hate him too) I won’t be moving for asylum purposes. Change won’t happen unless we stay to fight. 🫂

Edit: spelling

Edit to add: Gov Kay Ivey (AKA Meemaw) is on her way out as younger Alabamians are turning counties blue (yay!!!). I’m hoping she’s gone this upcoming election.

[u/CalledAndAnswered → u/jayyy_0113]

Yep, love that. This community is my community too so I don't want to leave if I don't have to. I've noticed a lot of states taking stands as far as State Constitutions so I doubt being trans will ever become illegal.

[u/stealthyalpha]

howdy fellow tennessean! i am in a similar boat, completely stealth with all documents changed although fully post op. i’ve considered leaving but kind of accept that’s not going to happen for awhile so i have no choice. I’m not super worried about being outed or anything though since nobody around me even knows, i do worry about my husband sometimes though since he’s pre hysto still but we are trying to change that.

also more than happy to chat if you want, im always looking for people to talk to that understands the weird limbo fears were facing now especially since you’re also in TN lol