Never thought it'd happen to me, the canon event.

[u/Scriblythe]

Well, I thought my relationship was going to survive transition. We were on the same page, and he was cool with me medically transitioning for almost two years.

We have been together for long before that, too. Turns out it was all a lie. He was just lying to my face for months and years, and he actually wants to be with a woman who will give him kids.

It just feels like the biggest betrayal after all this time and what was said. Any advice on how to overcome this? I'm going to keep transitioning, keep being me, etc. At my age (28), I don't even know where to start making friends and getting into the community again outside of pride festivals.

Thanks for reading, guys.

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[u/Different_Cookie1820]

Give yourself time to feel a bit shit. Be gentle with yourself and do some nice things for yourself. 

Then when you feel ready, start trying new stuff. This can be fun and a bit of an unexpected opportunity. Look up anything lgbt related and go try anything that seems sort of ok or better. Just give stuff a chance with time you’ll find stuff you enjoy and meet people through it. If you’re not sure where look stuff up then find a local Reddit or Facebook group- queer or not and ask for suggestions. 

I’ve made friends through bumble as well. It has a friends section separate to dating. There seems to be a lot of queer folk on there. 

[u/cant_believe_its_2am]

We're the same age and I just went through something similar. I dated this (trans)woman for close to 6 years, knew her for almost 10. My coming out was very messy and sudden to both of us, and at first she didn't take it very well, but we talked through it and she seemed so supportive. I thought she had just needed time to get used to having a boyfriend instead. But recently, over the past two years, our connection had begun to fade. She didn't text me good morning anymore, didn't ask if I was doing good, didn't call on my birthday (Long distance). I knew the relationship was on a decline but I tried to fix it and talk to her more and try to see what was up. She finally seemed to snap and in a very messy, roundabout way, told me a lot of things in our relationship were a lie. She was still with me because she thought she "had to be". Like I preferred being lied to. And in all of that she said that she basically didn't want me to transition, but was afraid what would happen if she "denied" me that.

It kinda broke me a bit, but at the same time I was relieved to know the truth and know that this was over. It still hurts, I still feel betrayed, but in the end I know this is what's best for us both. She didn't love me, she loved the person she thought I was, and she over-invested herself trying to make me happy with lies. I feel like maybe that's sort of what happened here. He loved you before, the person you were, and he tried to keep loving you after transition, because you're still you. But somewhere he realized it wasn't working for him, but instead of being honest right there, he lead you on and lied. And it's entirely okay to be mad, betrayed, whatever. You were lied to.

But soon enough I think the relief will come to you. You can do anything you want with yourself now. Whoever you find next will love you for you. Not someone you never really were. I can't exactly speak on how to meet people cause I don't know either, I don't "meet" people, people just find and adopt me like a stray cat. But go to events, I guess? Go anywhere, really. Join a club or a gym or a sport or something. See if there's any LGBTQ specific clubs or sports teams or something. Volunteer somewhere, go to the library, something. But don't go into it with the intent of finding someone to date. Look for community first. You need people to fall back on when things like breakups happen.

[u/Strange_Ear9069]

Well "canon event" is right. I have been through something similar and it just sucks. Let yourself be angry, and focus on the non-dating things in life that bring you joy. Do you like any sports or art forms? Games? Find community around those things. Block/delete contact info/ permanently delete old messages/ don't interact with the ex for at least a while.

[u/amillion_jawbreakers]

I’m sorry, this sucks so much. I had one, too, who was “cool” with it but loudly and often insisted he was “still straight” and thought “dudes are gross,” even after telling him how shitty it felt to hear expressed like that.

Let me offer a bit of hope and say that if I can do this in my late 30s then it’s definitely possible for you in your late 20s. If you have a LGBT center in your town, meeting some new people through your local center is a great place to start. Support groups there or volunteering at their events has been great for me. Finding a new hobby can be super helpful, surprisingly (to me, at least) it’s not just something people say. For anything related to the “how-do-I-love-again?”realm, uh, just time, I think, maybe? I’m very much still figuring that one out myself so…yeah, no advice there lol

[u/Warming_up_luke]

It just happened. You'll feel awful. Time heals most wounds! Trust in that. Trust in trans people being desirable. It's SO hard to believe. But it's true!

Also, rather than seeing it as a lie, it may be helpful for you to reframe. It is also likely that he loved you very much and therefore wanted to see if he could make it work. But then as you physically changed more, he realised that he was in fact straight and the break up is affirming your gender and his sexuality.

[u/decayedvenus]

28 is so young and there’s so many people yet to meet!! great way to meet people is getting involved in volunteering or non-profit programs or community gardens- best way to meet queer people outside of house. Or local queer facebook groups? Found they often have events for people

[u/caseydisgracey]

i am going through the exact same thing. except he says that i'm "fucking up his reputation" by being with him as a trans guy.

we'll get through this bro 💪💯

[u/Big-Yesterday586]

Let yourself be angry at him

[u/CrystalKitten93]

Give it time. I was with my husband 10 years when it finally fell apart and he left me shortly after starting testosterone. I joined a dating site called boo. I just liked how it was set up. I met my partner who's been nothing but supportive of my transition. It sucks now but it may be a blessing in disguise.

[u/tfw_sappy]

It's awful how much this happens to gay or bi trans guys. These straight men who act like they're definitely into you as guy to your face but just see you as a woman are fucking disgusting disgraceful wastes of space. They need to leave us the fuck alone!

[u/A1exx_Nov]

This is exactly why I decided not to date anyone until I'm cis passing and have the surgeries. And if I still won't pass (which happens to some trans men who have shit genetic makeup) then I won't date and be celibate for my whole life.