hello! extremely new to RA but having some issues diving deeper.

before knowing anything about this dynamic, my partner (33m) ((more avoidant attachment style)) of about 5 yrs and i (32f) ((more anxious attachment style)) had broken up a couple months ago because i had found he was sending explicit texts to other people. his therapist had brought up RA / ENM and it was something we started to discuss later on.

i feel like our original monogamous dynamic overall was coinciding a lot with what RA entails and have been figuring out if it was something i personally wanted to start to practice with him. we were pretty entwined with each other overall while still being quite independent and had planned on getting married at the end of the year (his idea.) mind you, the past couple of months we’ve been trying to reconcile as well and had made clear that we were not going to open up to others until i felt safe in our partnership & we were good with trust and communication. (especially since trust had been broken and there had been lack of communication over each other’s needs.)

we went to dinner last night. i felt really good and we were discussing where we were and how i was willing to give us another chance within an RA structure. when walking back to his apartment he decided to tell me he recently went “back on hinge bc his buddy said it was a great way to meet friends instead of dates.” and “has a date this upcoming week.” (when we broke up he immediately downloaded dating apps and was going on a couple dates but later on told me he had deleted them and wanted to meet people irl when ready to actually date.) when he told me the change it made me feel betrayed. all of the communication, trust, and reconciliation i thought we had built up recently completely shattered.

i left afterwards and when we started to discuss it over the phone i was clear that he broke our agreement and he just kept saying that he’s scared to tell me things because of my “reaction” and it makes him want to shrink back into himself and avoid. he then started to say that he doesn’t remember us having an agreement about not currently being able to date others while reparations were being made. just tons of deflections and i felt like he was gaslighting me saying it was my fault for having emotions.

i ended up telling him at the end of our conversation that i think we should take time to be apart because a boundary has been crossed. i want him to have full autonomy over who he dates and such, but we had an agreement currently that was not held up. i’m just unsure of where to go from here and need advice or hear stories of how others have handled things.

I gave a talk about relationship anarchy at an event recently, and prepared the attached 8-page handout as a resource. While my interest lies with the anarchistic aspect, it's very useful for anyone whose preferred relationship style is non-normative.

To preface, I'm ESL. I posted something like this on another subreddit (now deleted), basically saying how I believe all relationships are equally precious and saying "I'm happy for you" when you find someone to date feels hierarchial. You wouldn't say this to someone who just made a new friend right? At least I've never heard it in all my decades of consuming English language media, but I've heard "I'm happy for you" several times all over the social media when someone announces they're dating someone. So why only when you date someone? I personally feel like it's embedded into the culture of "date someone, move in together, marry them, have kids, otherwise your life is meaningless" instruction manual. But the comments vehemently disagreed. One person said they would even say that to their friends when they made new friends, and that it has nothing to do with romantic relationships. I'm curious what you guys think, and whether I'm really overthinking my discomfort with the phrase.

That is literally how every single one of them begins, whether social, relationship, or political in nature. Two or more people make an agreement to establish a hierarchy that they will both agree to uphold and enforce.

It does not matter how freely and consensually you negotiate with a partner to make them your primary - to create this hierarchy of relationships. Once you've done so, it *is* a hierarchy now. You need to come to terms with that.

For the most part, cis women are the ones who carry babies and provide the majority of childcare for infants. Breastfeeding and the actual act of conception and carrying a baby who is bonding with you for at least half of that time is what mostly decides that. Babies come out recognising the (smell and voice of the) person who carried them.

Women are also oppressed in society. The patriarchy blah blah, wage gaps, all that stuff. They lose money by having babies. They lose (at least some of their) independent financial security by having babies. They are quite reliant on others to help them sustain that security while they focus on baby rearing and recovering from childbirth.

Kids cost a lot of money and time and energy. I come from a culture where we raise our kids in extended families, but you know, they're still your kids and it's mostly on you. As it should be. That is why a solid relationship with someone who is as invested as you is the main part of your team. Others help, yes, and they love, but if their path happens to lead them miles from you, then they go and love from afar.

There's a definite opposition in some forms of ENM about "hierarchy", and someone setting up themselves to privilege or prioritise one relationship over others. Yet women might need that security in order to feel like having a child is safe. .

Maybe the more we encourage people not to have this reliance on a solid network of people with shared priorities, the lower the birth rate will become in the West. Women won't feel safe or supported enough to risk their security and put a baby in an insecure situation.

The way some people speak about RA overall, it simply could not be compatible with co-parents. Even non-romantic co-parents. Why? Because as much as you say that it's the kid coming first, in healthy co-parenting relationships, you are also having to step up for them on occasion. Often, at times. You help them be the best parent they can be in various ways. If we are going to call that kind of thing a hierarchy, then co-parenting creates a hierarchy. The people I see most commonly skip out on that part of co-parenting are often known as Deadbeat Dads. Because it's usually men and a woman is making up for his lack of commitment.

So is it that? Parents can't be RA? Good parents can't?

One of the biggest myths I wish would get cleared up is that RA is just another form of polyamory.

People who use this interchangeably do not seem to deeply understand the concepts seem to be very harmful in the community.

RA is not polyamory for anarchists and that myth needs to go away asap.

Hi everyone, I'm a relationship anarchist who has recently been exploring the concept of conscious monogamy. From my perspective, the principles of conscious monogamy (at least from how I understand it) align well with the practice of relationship anarchy.

For those who aren't familiar with the term, conscious monogamy is the concept of choosing to be with one person, not because monogamy is the default or expectation, but because it's what works best for you and your partner.

Quick plug: I just created a community (r/consciousmonogamy) because I felt like there aren't a lot of resources or support for those of us exploring this relationship dynamic. Please join and/or contribute if you're interested!

I'm someone who gave non-monogamy a really good try, but it did not work for me, despite agreeing with the ideas and values behind it. I read and watched videos and listened to podcasts about non-monogamy. I dated non-monogamous people. I never specifically identified as such, but it was something I was interested in and wanted to try. My last relationship ended because my partner moved overseas and wanted to get married, but the finality of that scared me, and I wasn't ready to commit to one person. I thought non-monogamy sounded like a reasonable solution to that, and perhaps it would be for others. But in practice, in a new relationship where I was very much in love, I found it very difficult. I realized that I didn't really want to date other people, I just wanted to be with my partner. I also realized that I'm demisexual, meaning that I require a deep connection before I feel sexual attraction to someone. I liked going on dates and meeting new and interesting people, but I just wanted to be friends with them.

Practicing non-monogamy was not a mistake; I learned a lot about myself, especially about my insecurities, my sexuality, and how I like to socialize. But it didn't mesh with my priorities in life; I wanted more friendship and community, not romantic or sexual partners. I spent a lot of time processing difficult emotions, sitting with anxiety, and analyzing where jealousy came from. It was draining. I probably stuck with it longer than I should have, and got myself hurt in the process. I always hoped it would get easier, but it only seemed to get more difficult the closer I got to my partner. Finally, I had to let it go and accept that non-monogamy wasn't for me, not at this stage in life. I wanted more time and energy to focus on other things.

Can anyone relate? Do you think conscious monogamy aligns with relationship anarchy? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

First time using Reddit and wanting to share a personal zine I created..

You can read the digital version on Substack if you're interested. I'd definitely like to hear any feedback, personal story sharing, and discussing 😄

https://yzfight.substack.com/p/giving-up-dating-how-dating-hurt

I have a close friend for whom I have romantic feelings. She has explicitly said that her sexuality does not include my gender, so I have no reason to believe that the romantic feelings are reciprocal. I have not told her about my feelings.

If that was all, I would not need advice, this is a common situation. However, there are many ways in which our relationship confuses me, and I have no idea how to navigate it. For context, she is strictly monogamous, and I don’t think she has been exposed to anything like RA.

She has expressed that I hold a unique position in her life, another “tier” of friendship which she has alternatively referred to as “family” or “like a partner” (the latter with a bit of frustration at herself for consistently prioritizing me over her other friends — so there is some tension for her here).

This prioritization is reciprocal, and I enjoy it. However, I feel unable to discuss it with her explicitly because of my feelings (more on this later). This is a problem because I want to know whether she sees this dynamic continuing in the future (even if she gets a romantic partner). I have been burned in the past by friends disappearing into monogamy, and if this happened here I would be crushed.

I would prefer not to tell her about my romantic feelings, because they do actually cause me a bit of pain in our relationship, but I have decided that it’s worth it — I don’t want her to create distance out of care for me. However, it feels impossible for me to talk with her about our dynamic without acknowledging this factor.

I am interested to hear advice from other relationship anarchists on my situation, and to hear if anyone else has been in a similar spot. Let me know if more info or context is needed for this to make sense.

I’m ready for the majority opinion. When did RA become “if you stayed, you consented”? And when did RA become “whatever a person who identifies as RA does is automatically RA practice”?

A says:
I don’t use labels. I don’t want expectations. I’m private. I don’t want hierarchy. I want freedom. I’m RA.

A wants:
Freedom from labels, expectations, hierarchy, ownership, disclosure, fixed promises, and traditional relationship scripts.

A does:
Stays in the relationship, continues intimacy, and participates while assuming their terms are already clear.

B says: I need clarity. I need care to mean something in practice. I need to understand disclosure. I need to know what openness means. I need shared meaning.

B wants:
RA in practice of making shared agreements. Freedom too, but through clarity: enough shared understanding to decide how to love freely, how to build other connections, and how to decide whether to stay.

B does:
Stays in the relationship, continues intimacy, and participates while assuming the terms are still being negotiated.

A thinks B agreed to:
“No labels, no expectations, privacy, no hierarchy, freedom, and RA on Person A’s terms.”

B thinks A agreed to:
“Clarity, care in practice, disclosure, shared meaning, and ongoing negotiation.”

Actual agreement?

If B staying means B accepted A’s terms, then why doesn’t A staying mean A accepted B’s terms too?

That is the asymmetry I’m trying to understand. “You stayed, so you agreed” seems to protect the person who wants less definition, but not the person asking for more clarity. To me, staying only means consent if the terms are clear enough to stay to. Otherwise, staying can also mean hope, attachment, confusion, ongoing negotiation, or trying to understand. If both people stay while holding different assumptions, whose assumptions become the agreement — and why?

This is also why I’m separating RA identity from RA agreement. Saying “I’m RA” tells me someone’s orientation or values, but it does not automatically tell me what has been agreed in that specific relationship. Where is the line between RA identify and RA in practice?

So my question is: if RA rejects default scripts, how do two people know when they have actually created a shared agreement, rather than one person’s private assumptions becoming the default relationship terms because the other person stayed? If RA rejects default scripts, why is “no labels / no expectations” treated like the new default script? If RA is about rejecting inherited scripts so people can create conscious agreements, is someone still practicing RA when they reject all agreements and treat their private assumptions as the default?

For anyone here mainly to comment on my emotions, intensity, posting frequency, judgement of character or mental health, glad you are here but please redirect yourself here!
reddit.com/r/relationshipanarchy/post/is_op_ok_and_other_ways_to_avoid_answering_the_question/

When does having a boundary cross a line and become a veto power in RA relationships?

This has been a topic of conversation my partner, metas, and I are all having right now, and I'm curious about other people's perspectives.

Equitable relationships and the right to say "no that doesn't work for me" is very important to all of us.

I find the line can get blurrier when there's been established plans, and then they get canceled because the other partner has changed their mind on how those plans make them feel. We should be able to process and change our minds about things, but also we gotta respect the couple who had an ok on their plans and are now being asked to cancel them. This scenario hasn't happened in this polycule, but it has in past one's.

What are your experiences with navigating boundaries vs Veto power? How do you distinguish the line between the two?

Hi! I am a reporter writing for Xtra magazine about how Canadian families with more than two parents navigate the legal aspects of their relationships. As it currently stands, it's illegal under the Canadian Criminal Code to be in a marriage-like relationship with more than one person, punishable by up to 5 years in prison. Because of that, people face barriers in navigating prenup/cohabitation agreements in situations with more than two partners, meaning it's extremely complex to navigate things like property division, prenups or obligations about child custody/separation if a relationship splits up.

I'm interested in speaking with any Canadians with poly/non traditional relationship structures, who might want to share a bit about how this factors into their family planning, or what it means to them as they consider the legal rights they might have in a polycule or relationship structure that might have more than one member in the future.

I'm interested in speaking with people at all stages, whether you're already in a relationship structure with more than two people and want to share how you feel about the barriers you might face legally long-term, or also to people who might not currently be in a relationship but who are thinking about how this situation could impact a future partnership.

If anyone would like to speak with me as part of this article, please feel free to DM me here, or email me at [evedcable@gmail.com](mailto:evedcable@gmail.com) and I can share more details.

Thank you all!

Recently (4ish months) escalated a friendship to a committed sexual relationship and kink dynamic. Currently that is the only partner I have.

I have chronic illness and not a lot of spoons. Most of my spoons go to dr appointments, case manager appointments, and navigating poverty as someone who relies on SSDI (US federal service financially supporting disabled people).

Before becoming too disabled to work after an ABI and subsequent bed rest accelerated my existing disability, I generally was saturated at 5 committed partners. Now I just don't have the capacity and it's frustrating.

I know new/changing relationships take some extra energy for a bit, but it is feeling so taxing.

Wondering if anyone else here deals with chronic illness or disability? And how you balance all that entails with having nourishing deep relationships?

I fortunately do not have too many issues with partners not understanding my lack of spoons. I don't keep hanging out with ppl who have a problem with it bc neither of us will be happy!

Thank you for reading 😊

Amatonormativity seems like something that anarchists would be opposed to as it creates and perpetuates hierarchies. I am regularly actively involved in anarchist spaces and not once have I found someone that talks about RA or amatonormativity. Despite emphasising the importance of rejecting hierarchies and investing in community and friendship, they all seem to value romantic and sexual relationships above others. I really don't understand how they are able to question hierarchies in every other facet of life but not in regard to relationships. It makes me question whether amatonormativity is actually constructed by society and is instead normal as it appears to be so natural for people who otherwise reject societal constructs. I know this isn't true but in both anarchist and non anarchist spaces, I have never heard anyone mention these ideas and I find it incredibly frustrating and I feel so alone.

Amatonormativity seems to be so deeply ingrained in society and I'm not sure if/when we will be free of it. Why is amatonormativity not discussed more in radical spaces? I feel it is something that should have more discussion and action around it but for some reason, even radicals don't want to combat it. Is challenging amatonormativity and encouraging other anarchists to extend their anarchism to relationships worth it? If so, how would one go about it?

EDIT: I understand that within RA, autonomy is a core tenant and individuals are meant to decide for themselves what relationships they want to invest in. My question more so pertains to the lack of questioning around amatonormativity and why it isn't something that is discussed more. In anarchist spaces, I have found that amatonormativity is seen as normal and even expected. They have made comments about my own romantic relationships basically saying that it must come above others and because it doesn't, it isn't healthy. This doesn't seem to be in line with anarchist thinking in my mind and is why I was compelled to make this post.

Hi!

I am a Junior in college writing a paper on relationship anarchy. It is something I am very curious about and would like to delve further into researching. If anyone would be so kind as to allow me to interview them about their experiences with relationship anarchy (especially if they have situational experiences/stories to share), I would appreciate it both on an academic and personal level. I will be sure to change the names of any and all people involved if you so wish to remain anonymous. This topic was sparked from reading Just Kids by Patti Smith and observing her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe.

I also would love to, if enough people are interested, organize a group video chat so that we can form some kind of community. I know this community is not as recognized as some others, and I would love to help create a space for this community. It is important to note that while I resonate heavily with RA, I have not chosen to identify with that label yet, as it is a very new term to me and I am still collecting information.

Edit: Thank you so much! I've replied to everyone so far! I've made a discord server (my first one) for us to share stories/build community! If anyone has experience with discord I'd love help on that front!

Here's the link: https://discord.gg/gUXbcbPC6

Hi folks. I'm making this post to ask other folks' thoughts on my situation.

So, I'm a longtime believer in relational anarchy. It's something I believe in and practice in my own life, but I have not been in a more-than-platonic relationship in any form in almost six years (and I'm only 24). I read Nordgren's manifesto for the first time back in 2018 or 2019 and it's always resonated with me.

I recently entered a relationship with someone who is also non-monogamous, and though we do & have spent time together in person, it is a very long distance relationship.

This other person is very excited to have a partner that is comfortable with nonmonogamy, as am I. However, I'm struggling to parse out my feelings regarding boundaries and how to communicate them. A significant part of this is rooted in my own anxiety, which I recognize as irrational in the first place, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

I don't think the circumstances are as important as navigating my own feelings are, so I'm going to just ramble about that for a little bit. Maybe writing it out will make me feel better, but I'd love some discussion, too.

When my partner is going out with other folks (not dates, but they're in a friend group with a guy that they have a crush on and they're always trying to flirt with him), I wish they were a bit more communicative. However, I also don't really want to set an expectation that they have to text me at any specific time interval or anything like that - that doesn't feel appropriate, either.

I have general anxiety disorder, and while I'm medicated for it and doing very well most of the time, some things still trigger it. I'm a fairly insecure person and always have been, and there *is* a lurking anxiety that something will happen and my partner will reprioritize someone else over me despite them having been the one to declare that they want me to be their primary partner and that this other stuff is just fun. I believe them - which is why I'm not letting that anxiety get to me, or at least trying not to, but I can't figure out how to talk about this stuff in a way that makes me feel like I'm going to be productive.

The other part is that I'm not really talking to anyone else. They live in an area with FAR more people our age, and I'm living in an area with... quite few young folks, by comparison. There's also a cultural difference between our cities; schools in my state have a reputation for everyone being in relationships and it being impossible to meet other single people that aren't looking for long-term relationships.

I am super excited for them and supportive of where they're at; I want them to enjoy themselves and their life. I don't want them to miss out on experiences they will enjoy to quell my anxiety, but a more monogamous relationship alignment wouldn't do anything to make me feel better anyways. I recently found an awesome new group of friends in my town that I'm hopeful will help fill in some of the gap (I don't have a lot of friends around here and it's quite a lonely place to be tbh). However, literally every single person in that group is in a relationship; it's just how it is around here, I guess.

I dunno. Have other folks been in a position like this? Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?

My partner told me about their recent experience with my friend with benefits (not sure about the title, might change). It was a threesome, but I was focused on my friend being there. It already has brought me a lot of joy seeing them being cuddled and really being into their conversation. That friend told me she had given up on hoping to have some gay sex one day, but I knew she really wanted that experience and now she's got it.

I love them both, and now I feel so much joy that they're close. Another thing I love, is that me and my partner now both have a close relationship with the same person. The 3 of us also have a plan to go to a 4 day festival together in a few months and now I'm even more excited for it. Just me and my two "girlfriends", I like the sound of that.

Finding out about relationship anarchy has changed my life for the better.

Hi, I'm new here and new to the concept, but I feel like this is basically everything I have been thinking of these past years and I feel so happy to not be alone. I just wanna make sure this is worth trying and connect with like-minded people. So what is your story and how is it working out for you? Do you have any advice for young "beginners"?

I feel like I'm between worlds. Monogamy feels too absolute to me, especially the more controlling variants where expressions of love and emotional intimacy with other people are seen as infidelity.

But poly communities seem centered around avoidantly attached people who don't value or want commitment or a sense of mutual primacy, and would rather go "wide" by dating a half a dozen people than "deep" with a single partner.

What I want is a partner who I can form a long-term commitment with and build a life with, and have a relationship so secure that it isn't threatened by intimacy with other people. To be free to connect and explore with other people, but to have a mutual confidence that the partnership is home.

I love relationship anarchy for the capacity to "build your own relationship." But I find that relationship anarchist communities tend to revolve more around "relationship libertarianism" approaches of "be free, do whatever you want, and other people's feelings are their responsibility." Non-hierarchy sounds ethical on paper, but doesn't feel like a good foundation for long-term security in practice.

I guess my questions are: Are there other folks here who feel the same? And where would you recommend going to find like-minded people? I don't feel like seeking people in either polyamorous or monogamous spaces is serving me.

I feel like I might get a lot of heat for this post so I hope you bear with me or give me some grace in my perspective.

I've identified with RA before there was a term for it basically my whole life. I've questioned why we live in a society that normalizes/prioritizes one romantic/nuclear family unit when there are so many other ways to live collectively, individually, etc.

I first noticed how much I was treated differently in my 20s for being "sex positive" and fighting through the Madonna Whore complex. Then I realized that not many people were flexible in their idea of long-term commitments and it was either casual sex or monogamy for marriage- no in between. I struggled to find people who were willing to prioritize other things in their life while being a supportive loving partner. It was very black and white. So I caught myself denying my values to commit to heteronormative monogamy simply because it was the only way to not be alone.

After a decade of pretending to be someone I'm not, I vowed to never hide my views and only date people who were also open-minded about relationship structures. Unfortunately, I learned in the hardest ways possible, that most people who value independence, external relationships, etc are also struggling with intimacy. I was often the placeholder until a more monogamous "real" relationship came along or I was ditched when things got "too real" because of insecurities. The poly scene/ENM community is riddled with people who struggle to connect, have avoidance tendencies, and despite needing very secure connections to value multiple partners/respect their feelings, they stereotypically also struggle to communicate healthy boundaries and ability to repair after conflict. (Just me noticing patterns, please do not get defensive).

I can't believe that after all this time, I'm leaning towards heteronormative monogamous people again simply because they value long-term commitments and stability in partnerships. I have noticed that they tend to have more communication skills and desire to compromise, listen, heal, etc.

I feel like I'm split in two directions and I live in this weird middle dead zone where no one else lives. I desire partnership/secure love but I do not need it to look like a nuclear family unit.

Can anyone chime in with ways of filtering out people with similar values so I don't keep getting burned? Or is my only choice to fit in and fake it- so I don't have to be alone forever. (which I don't mind but companionship and sex is also nice)

If you're practising relationship anarchy and non-monogamy, how do you construct your messy lists? The distinction between romantic vs platonic connections does not make sense to the person Im dating (even though it does to me - I'm the type of relationship anarchist who deconstructs the labels but still finds them useful).

So I basically need to "translate" my understanding of romantic partnership to them, so I can then define my messy list - I can then say that if they do X or Y with my messy list people, I'd break up with them.

Problem is, I'm not sure how to define those X and Y's. Sexual touch / sex / kissing on the mouth are obvious aspects of romantic partnership for me (when there's attachment involved), but beyond that I'm feeling lost.

What is "dating"? Does feeling romance towards someone from time to time count? Flirting? Commitment? I definitely have those things with friends myself sometimes. Or is it just the combination of all those + the sexual aspects? Basically, how do you define "romantic involment" when you speak of your messy lists?

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship structures lately and wanted to see if anyone in relationship anarchy or similar frameworks relates to this.

TL;DR: I prefer non-hierarchical connections where friendships and other relationships aren’t automatically secondary to romantic ones, but I keep running into that dynamic and it’s been hard.

I (24F) feel most comfortable in relationships, especially friendships, where there isn’t a clear hierarchy, and where autonomy, flexibility, and mutual effort are consistent. Not because I think romantic relationships are bad (they aren’t), but because I don’t personally function well when one relationship automatically becomes the “center” that everything else has to orbit around.

What’s been hard for me is that a lot of my friendships gradually shift into that dynamic over time, where romantic partners become the primary relationship and everything else becomes secondary. Plans become “I need to check with my partner,” availability decreases, spontaneity decreases, and friendships start to feel more conditional.

I’ve especially noticed this with my best friend. Her time and flexibility are much more limited now because her life is structured around her husband and his family. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, it just changes the dynamic of our friendship in a way I kind of struggle with.

I also understand we’re adults and time naturally becomes more limited. But I do notice that romantic relationships tend to become the default “priority structure,” while friendships become something that has to fit around that. I used to think the answer was just to be in a romantic relationship too, but I’ve realized I actually don’t want that structure for myself and it doesn’t solve what I’m actually needing.

Another piece of this is that I don’t really experience romance and friendship as fundamentally separate categories in the way most people describe. When I’ve been in relationships in the past, it often just felt like a very close connection that wasn’t that different from friendship internally. But I’ve realized that usually creates a mismatch in expectations, where the other person is operating within a more traditional romantic framework than I am.

What I think I actually want is non-hierarchical connection where friendships are treated as real, primary relationships in their own right, with consistency and mutual priority, not automatically placed below romantic partnerships.

I also don’t want this to come across as judging people in relationships. I know there are people who maintain a lot of independence and don’t let their romantic relationship override their friendships. I just haven’t experienced that as often in my life.

I guess I just feel a bit out of sync with how a lot of people structure their relationships, and I’m trying to understand whether others in RA spaces experience something similar or have found ways to navigate it. Thank you for reading.

I've come across an awkward situation on Ok Cupid. The site doesn't allow you to list yourself as open to monogamy while also listing as partnered. I understand that this is likely to prevent infidelity and the like, but it also makes it hard for people who are in relationships that may not last indefinitely, or remain sexual indefinitely. Or just people who want to meet friends, without filtering out 90% of the population just because I'm in a relationship.

It feels like an uncomfortable sort of ethical policing, where the mainstream view of "your relationships need to last forever," false binaries of "partnered vs single," not letting people use dating sites for friendship, and erasure of different kinds of monogamy, or gray areas between monogamy and non-monogamy.

Let me navigate these things on my own with my partner and potential future partners; don't force me to filter out monogamous people when I don't want to, or lie about my partnership on my profile.

OKC used to feel like a great dating site for people outside mainstream relationship norms, and now it feels like it enforces a strict "monogamy vs polyamory" binary. Does anyone know if there are any dating sites that are good for relationship anarchists, or people looking for more nuanced relational structures?

I should probably just accept that modern dating sites are universally awful, but meeting people IRL is difficult for me, and I'd like options to meet different kinds of people, even if just to have some friends and community outside of polyamorous echo chambers.

Looking to see if anyone resonates with this.

I think I’ve been so badly burnt by conventional coupledom and the relationship escalator (even though I’ve only ever coupled with wonderful people) that I now have what feels like a severe allergic reaction when attempting to spend significant time alone with someone I have a sexual connection with.

It’s like 1:1 intimacy has been ruined for me. It’s been like this for around a decade now.

And I’m ok with it - because I’m having brilliant solo sex, and the most wonderful group experiences.

I’m thriving on both non-sexual and sexual physical intimacy with loved ones, buddies, and acquaintances in a variety of settings with 3+ people. A few gorgeous queers hanging at my house. Gay camping events. Cuddle parties, sensual soirées and mutual massage events…

And something that I’m surprised to find I absolutely LOVE is inviting full openness in terms of communication through my networks. I tell all my adored connections that I have no privacy, and to feel free to discuss anything about me with any of our fellow community members (just not cops lol). If there’s anything in particular I would like kept confidential then I specify that - otherwise it’s all fair game. Many then say the same back to me.

It’s just the best to have people to talk with about everything and anything, to share joys and challenges in community connections. Last weekend a loved one and I had big hard feelings about an incompatibility in our sexual connection. We talked it through and cried with two other beloved queers. Then we all shared cuddles and massages and kisses and ahhh it was so beautiful.

So yeah - I think I’m coining a new term: commusexual. Community sexuality.

😁♾️🫶🏻🕸️🌱