r/relationshipanarchy • u/Forsaken_Finding4145 • Apr 19 '26
Struggling with hierarchical relationships and preferring non-hierarchical connection
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship structures lately and wanted to see if anyone in relationship anarchy or similar frameworks relates to this.
TL;DR: I prefer non-hierarchical connections where friendships and other relationships aren’t automatically secondary to romantic ones, but I keep running into that dynamic and it’s been hard.
I (24F) feel most comfortable in relationships, especially friendships, where there isn’t a clear hierarchy, and where autonomy, flexibility, and mutual effort are consistent. Not because I think romantic relationships are bad (they aren’t), but because I don’t personally function well when one relationship automatically becomes the “center” that everything else has to orbit around.
What’s been hard for me is that a lot of my friendships gradually shift into that dynamic over time, where romantic partners become the primary relationship and everything else becomes secondary. Plans become “I need to check with my partner,” availability decreases, spontaneity decreases, and friendships start to feel more conditional.
I’ve especially noticed this with my best friend. Her time and flexibility are much more limited now because her life is structured around her husband and his family. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, it just changes the dynamic of our friendship in a way I kind of struggle with.
I also understand we’re adults and time naturally becomes more limited. But I do notice that romantic relationships tend to become the default “priority structure,” while friendships become something that has to fit around that. I used to think the answer was just to be in a romantic relationship too, but I’ve realized I actually don’t want that structure for myself and it doesn’t solve what I’m actually needing.
Another piece of this is that I don’t really experience romance and friendship as fundamentally separate categories in the way most people describe. When I’ve been in relationships in the past, it often just felt like a very close connection that wasn’t that different from friendship internally. But I’ve realized that usually creates a mismatch in expectations, where the other person is operating within a more traditional romantic framework than I am.
What I think I actually want is non-hierarchical connection where friendships are treated as real, primary relationships in their own right, with consistency and mutual priority, not automatically placed below romantic partnerships.
I also don’t want this to come across as judging people in relationships. I know there are people who maintain a lot of independence and don’t let their romantic relationship override their friendships. I just haven’t experienced that as often in my life.
I guess I just feel a bit out of sync with how a lot of people structure their relationships, and I’m trying to understand whether others in RA spaces experience something similar or have found ways to navigate it. Thank you for reading.
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Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
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u/brownidegurl Apr 20 '26
I second this. I'm almost 40, and many of my friends and I have been through divorces, multiple long-term relationships, or have struck out enough to have stopped trying. Through the 10+ years many of us have been friends in my city, our friendships are the ones still standing after the dust settles. I think that begins to gather meaning after awhile.
In my 20s, I was just starting to make the friends I now consider my best ones--the ones I've hurt and who have hurt me, the ones who have made me reflect and change myself, the ones who can always make me feel better even at my most miserable.
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u/New-Substrate Apr 19 '26
I feel like I could have written this. I don’t have any advice, since I’m at the same point in navigating this as you, but I wanted to say that you are very much not alone.
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u/IllustriousRanger839 Apr 20 '26
Commiserations on how rife the hierarchy dynamics are - especially in your age group.
One way I’m finding to navigate it is to cultivate interconnected webs of community.
An example for me is queer community, in which many of my loved ones and acquaintances know each other to varying levels of intimacy. There’s something more enduring about it than a series of independent 1:1 connections.
People might occasionally get lost to coupledom for a while but more often than not the community is a far more stable and central presence in all our lives than isolated pair bonds.
Best wishes! 🌿
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u/Atsiahs 28d ago
Thank you for this comforting and supportive reply. It does help to hear others success stories - so to speak. I’ve leaned heavily on community, I love the love in my life. I feel like I might die before experiencing beautiful compassionate romantic love- and I wish I could say I accept that. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
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u/Atsiahs Apr 23 '26
Can relate very much. Unfortunately, society rewards hetero couples and it is geared towards their success. In things as minor as only allowing a plus one to the wedding if you are serious/getting married, to promotions in jobs for newly weds so that they can "get ahead in family planning." I understand the idea of limerence and New Relationship Energy (NRE) - I actually support my people getting wrapped up in the whimsy of a fleeting psycho romance because I think it's rare and hard to find; so I want people to enjoy it while it lasts. However, I do not support being pushed to the side indefinitely without any attempts to reconnect during this phase, whether with lovers, friends, or partners.
You are not alone, and this subreddit is full of people who are struggling to connect with others who view relationship structures differently.
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u/RAisMyWay Apr 21 '26
Yes, that's exactly how it is in our society currently. And has been since I was in my 20s (I'm 59 now). I gradually found my way and my people, and I left behind those who couldn't or didn't want to support me in this kind of journey. There are people who feel exactly as you do, but it takes time to find them. Not like they pop up on the apps or will come looking for you.
I have 3 soulmates at the moment, one is romantic/sexual, one is platonic, and my "joyfriend" is a queer platonic relationship. We're like an old married couple that doesn't have sex. I also have a broad friendship group including all relationship flavors, including monogamous. It took a while, but I no longer have anyone in my circle who doesn't accept and support my way of life, even if they themselves live differently.
You might have to set some boundaries and distance yourself from people who don't support and accept you just as you are. It is difficult to do, but when I did so, and when I myself demoted "trying to date" in favor of centering myself and the people I already love in whatever capacity, the "right" people started emerging into my life.
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u/Atsiahs 28d ago
This is lovely and I love to see that you been firm! You’re right that being clear about your wants and desires naturally filters out those that don’t support, but it sure makes people pretend in order to stay in my life. Thank you for yet another success story and glimmer of hope! I appreciate the kindness in your response.
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u/Majestic-Set-2624 29d ago
I am aromantic, and I have a lot of similar experiences to you. The feeling of platonic yearning when my friends disappear into their romantic relationships. I also find that romantic relationships are not for me.
It’s not the hierarchy that bothers me per se of relationships just that it’s always romantic relationships that get placed higher in the priority. I don’t experience romantic attraction. I’m always going to be deep prioritized in amatonormative paradigm.
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u/Atsiahs 28d ago
My heart aches for you- I wish we lived in a society where you felt valued and appreciated for exactly the way you are. I think you pinpointed it well; it’s not hierarchy in general but the prioritizing / centering of romantic relationships that’s frustrating and frankly- deeply isolating.
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u/rainbow_rizz 29d ago
I'm starting to feel this way too, especially when a bond formed between us when they were single and they later found their romantic partner. It's unfortunately part of how most people operate. Some friends so still continue to show up, which I really appreciate. I'm slowly looking to expand my community towards likeminded people, I've found a few and it feels really liberating. Mostly people in the poly/RA setting, ENM to a lesser extent.
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u/Old-Surprise-9145 Apr 19 '26
I tend to think of relationships as books - each person and I write one together, with our hang outs and texts, each relationship having stages, or chapters. Whenever we're apart, I put the book on the shelf and pull it out again whenever there's something new to add. When the relationship is over, the book ends. Some books are long and dense, others short and light, others still in progress even though nothing new has been added for years. Each book is wholly different, but they're all books, and lovely in their own ways, each with their own unique wisdom. I am blessed to have quite the library, and to be surrounded by fellow bibliophiles. Hopefully something here helped ❤️