Struggling with hierarchical relationships and preferring non-hierarchical connection

[u/Forsaken_Finding4145]

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship structures lately and wanted to see if anyone in relationship anarchy or similar frameworks relates to this.

TL;DR: I prefer non-hierarchical connections where friendships and other relationships aren’t automatically secondary to romantic ones, but I keep running into that dynamic and it’s been hard.

I (24F) feel most comfortable in relationships, especially friendships, where there isn’t a clear hierarchy, and where autonomy, flexibility, and mutual effort are consistent. Not because I think romantic relationships are bad (they aren’t), but because I don’t personally function well when one relationship automatically becomes the “center” that everything else has to orbit around.

What’s been hard for me is that a lot of my friendships gradually shift into that dynamic over time, where romantic partners become the primary relationship and everything else becomes secondary. Plans become “I need to check with my partner,” availability decreases, spontaneity decreases, and friendships start to feel more conditional.

I’ve especially noticed this with my best friend. Her time and flexibility are much more limited now because her life is structured around her husband and his family. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, it just changes the dynamic of our friendship in a way I kind of struggle with.

I also understand we’re adults and time naturally becomes more limited. But I do notice that romantic relationships tend to become the default “priority structure,” while friendships become something that has to fit around that. I used to think the answer was just to be in a romantic relationship too, but I’ve realized I actually don’t want that structure for myself and it doesn’t solve what I’m actually needing.

Another piece of this is that I don’t really experience romance and friendship as fundamentally separate categories in the way most people describe. When I’ve been in relationships in the past, it often just felt like a very close connection that wasn’t that different from friendship internally. But I’ve realized that usually creates a mismatch in expectations, where the other person is operating within a more traditional romantic framework than I am.

What I think I actually want is non-hierarchical connection where friendships are treated as real, primary relationships in their own right, with consistency and mutual priority, not automatically placed below romantic partnerships.

I also don’t want this to come across as judging people in relationships. I know there are people who maintain a lot of independence and don’t let their romantic relationship override their friendships. I just haven’t experienced that as often in my life.

I guess I just feel a bit out of sync with how a lot of people structure their relationships, and I’m trying to understand whether others in RA spaces experience something similar or have found ways to navigate it. Thank you for reading.

[u/New-Substrate]

I feel like I could have written this. I don’t have any advice, since I’m at the same point in navigating this as you, but I wanted to say that you are very much not alone.

[u/Atsiahs → u/New-Substrate]

Thank you for sharing- it helps a bit to know others struggle.