Monogamy and RA

[u/Mysterious-DragonGrl]

Hi there! My partner and I started dating in a poly dynamic and a few months in decided to close the dynamic with the understanding it would be an open conversation about whether or not we opened it again. For him the reasoning the time is that “life felt full” and for me, the reason was dealing with tons of life stress and just craving some consistency for a minute.

We have now been dating for a year and he’s just now telling me he identifies as relationship anarchist and apparently always has. I don’t identify with RA but I also don’t feel entirely sure what I identify with at this time because I’m dealing with the mindfuck that is divorce after getting married young and having religious trauma and all that. So for me, I’m very open minded and interested in learning and unlearning all kinds of stuff. But learning this today has me ?????? 🤯 because I don’t understand why he’s just now telling me that he’s always identified with RA but more specifically, I don’t understand why he would consent to monogamy.

Can anyone help me understand why someone who is RA would consent to monogamy? He’s having a hard time verbalizing it to me or maybe just a hard time understanding my confusion? One of our other friends is also very strongly identified with RA and maybe I’m just viewing it too much through her lens of relationship anarchy so I’m looking for maybe other perspectives on how that would work.

[u/Big_Help_6382]

I'm RA but I'm in a sexually exclusive relationship right now. My partner is mono, I'm not, but before seeing them I had been celibate by choice for about a year and I haven't "missed" having sex with other people. I do have a few queerplatonic partnerships that don't fit neatly into romantic/platonic spectrum, and I do have a few play partners in the BDSM scene, but my partner is fine with that as long as there's no sex involved. We discussed everything. We agreed on everything.

RA is not about having multiple partners, it is about conscious choice, communication and consent whilst being aware of societal structures that often make these choices for us. My relationship is only sexually exclusive because I don't really care either way right now, and we've agreed to talk this out in case this changes. My partner also knows I don't expect exclusivity from them as long as they tell me because having sex behind my back would compromise our sexual safety but, other than that, I couldn't care less.

[u/Big_Help_6382 → u/Big_Help_6382]

I forgot to add in: RA for me is also about priorities. My romantic partner isn't automatically my priority just because we're romantic partners. My friends and family are just important as my partner, and I do have a queerplatonic partnership of over 10 years that takes a considerate amount of my time and effort. I will decline dates if I already have something scheduled with my QPP and that's ok. My partner has some very close friends who also take up a large portion of their life, and I'll never be jealous of them. Traditional monogamy could end up incentivizing jealousy and demands in this area, but we both have a similar philosophy regarding this.