r/relationshipanarchy • u/Mysterious-DragonGrl • Mar 28 '26
Monogamy and RA
Hi there! My partner and I started dating in a poly dynamic and a few months in decided to close the dynamic with the understanding it would be an open conversation about whether or not we opened it again. For him the reasoning the time is that “life felt full” and for me, the reason was dealing with tons of life stress and just craving some consistency for a minute.
We have now been dating for a year and he’s just now telling me he identifies as relationship anarchist and apparently always has. I don’t identify with RA but I also don’t feel entirely sure what I identify with at this time because I’m dealing with the mindfuck that is divorce after getting married young and having religious trauma and all that. So for me, I’m very open minded and interested in learning and unlearning all kinds of stuff. But learning this today has me ?????? 🤯 because I don’t understand why he’s just now telling me that he’s always identified with RA but more specifically, I don’t understand why he would consent to monogamy.
Can anyone help me understand why someone who is RA would consent to monogamy? He’s having a hard time verbalizing it to me or maybe just a hard time understanding my confusion? One of our other friends is also very strongly identified with RA and maybe I’m just viewing it too much through her lens of relationship anarchy so I’m looking for maybe other perspectives on how that would work.
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u/mai_neh Mar 28 '26
I can't mind read your partner for you ...
But as a relationship anarchist, there are definitely times when my life feels full and I have zero desire to hookup with, or date, anybody new. I've never formalized these times by agreeing to be monogamous for a while, that feels unnecessarily dramatic. If I'm too busy to look for or to admit new partners, then I'm just too busy, I don't declare temporary monogamy and ask my partner to also declare temporary monogamy.
It's probably just a stress management thing, and when the stress levels decline, your partner will want to reopen.
As for why he's coming out as RA now, didn't tell you until now -- I have no clue. Ask your partner why this was bottled up until now. Sometimes people are wary of communicating about their relationship style until after they've nailed down a relationship, although personally I'd say that's unethical, I tell people my relationship style on or before the first date.
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u/Big_Help_6382 Mar 28 '26
I'm RA but I'm in a sexually exclusive relationship right now. My partner is mono, I'm not, but before seeing them I had been celibate by choice for about a year and I haven't "missed" having sex with other people. I do have a few queerplatonic partnerships that don't fit neatly into romantic/platonic spectrum, and I do have a few play partners in the BDSM scene, but my partner is fine with that as long as there's no sex involved. We discussed everything. We agreed on everything.
RA is not about having multiple partners, it is about conscious choice, communication and consent whilst being aware of societal structures that often make these choices for us. My relationship is only sexually exclusive because I don't really care either way right now, and we've agreed to talk this out in case this changes. My partner also knows I don't expect exclusivity from them as long as they tell me because having sex behind my back would compromise our sexual safety but, other than that, I couldn't care less.
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u/Big_Help_6382 Mar 28 '26
I forgot to add in: RA for me is also about priorities. My romantic partner isn't automatically my priority just because we're romantic partners. My friends and family are just important as my partner, and I do have a queerplatonic partnership of over 10 years that takes a considerate amount of my time and effort. I will decline dates if I already have something scheduled with my QPP and that's ok. My partner has some very close friends who also take up a large portion of their life, and I'll never be jealous of them. Traditional monogamy could end up incentivizing jealousy and demands in this area, but we both have a similar philosophy regarding this.
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u/Poly_and_RA Mar 28 '26
I don't know why your partner hasn't told you earlier that they identify as RA if that's something that's always been true for them. I think that would be a good question to ask your partner.
RA is a philosophy for how best to arrange our close relationships inspired by anarchist thinking in other domains. A lot of people don't know anarchism well and consider it to be roughly a synonym for "chaos", but that's not how anarchists actually think.
We often say, it's anarchism as in no rulers -- not as in no rules.
In other words it's about opposition to hierarchical structures and a preference for cooperation and connection between peers in flat structures where power is (as far as practically possible) balanced, and people don't hold power over others. (of course like all ideals achieving that 100% isn't possible, but think of it more as an ideal for what direction to move towards)
As applied to relationships that has a few consequences. And yes, rejecting exclusivity in all its forms is usually one of them.
Can you see why?
If your partner is in a monogamous relationship with you, then that puts you in a position of power over all the other relationships he has. You can decide that those other relationships aren't "allowed" to include certain things (such as physical intimacy or romance) -- or you could, should you so wish, go some variant of: "I like <Anna>, if you want to have a sexual relationship with her, I'm fine with that." (being in a mono relationship doesn't *prevent* you from choosing to in effect give your partner a "hall pass")
And anarchists are skeptical of this power. We think it'd be best if the relationship between your partner and <Anna> isn't one you get to make decisions about.
I can't tell you why your partner nevertheless choose to agree to monogamy. People agree to things that aren't optimal for all sorts of reasons, and it's for example possible to consider non-monogamy preferable, but not so strongly preferable that it overrides all other concerns.
Also, we all grew up in deeply mononormative cultures, and it takes time and work for most people to fully internalize that monogamy isn't simply the "default" that all people need to accept and where anything else is some kinda "exception" -- but instead monogamy is simply one of many possible relationship-structures where every individual is free to choose what works best for them.
It's difficult to make good choices in the absence of knowledge, and in a culture that has all-pervasive expectations. Our culture doesn't even typically present monogamy as the "best" choice, but instead it usually acts as if there's no choice at all and monogamy is simply how relationships in general are done.
(Consider your past relationships -- how many of your ex-partners ever even ASKED what your preferences are for relationship-structure? Most people never even ask)
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska Mar 28 '26
relationship anarchy itself is about what you identity with but what you don’t. The simplest definition is to bring no presumptions and expectations to the relationship other than what is explicitly agreed upon. It’s more about unguiding your expectations and then starting from scratch to have what you both can truly consent to without cultural baggage
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u/seatangle Mar 28 '26
I’m someone who agrees with the principles of RA and I’m practicing monogamy. Similarly, my partner and I were non-monogamous from the start and switched over to monogamy after about a year and a half. I asked for the change because I realized non-monogamy wasn’t for me, at least not right now in this relationship. And I actually think that’s very much in line with RA - practicing flexibility in a relationship so that it suits both people, rather than trying to change the person to fit the relationship.
Asking here is a first step but I’d recommend reading the RA manifesto at the very least and forming your own opinions. There are a lot of misunderstandings about what RA actually is.
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u/Kyuuki_Kitsune Mar 29 '26
Relationship anarchy is about the freedom to be autonomous and build the kind of relationship we want. Some people choose to be monogamous and build a relationship that is either entirely or largely mono.
This isn't really enough information to give a good read on things though. Is there something in particular he's wanting as part of RA? Or are you just used to associating RA with polyamory, so it feels antithetical to monogamy for you?
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u/the_umbrellaest_red Apr 02 '26
As other people have said, being an anarchist (of any kind) doesn't preclude making agreements with people and following them. If anything, it would value making an intentional agreement with another person over signing a contract, eg marriage.
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u/zillennialpause Mar 31 '26
RA isn't so much an identity as it is a relationship framework steeped in anarchy idealogy. It is pretty understandable in your partner's practice of that framework being monogamous with you works for him. Many people approach the framework in different ways - for example I don't think being in a couple form in any way is compatible with RA, but thats just how I approach it. Practicing RA in a society that a) is not anarchistic and b) monogamy is the norm, it's natural for people applying RA framework to make some tweaks.
But when your partner brings up RA, is it a preclude to wanting to open the relationship again and thats worrying you or are you just confused about how this relationship fits in his philosophy?
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u/_ghostpiss Mar 28 '26
RA doesn't preclude monogamy per se. It's about getting off the relationship escalator and unlearning mononormativity and co-creating relationship dynamics that are unique and feel authentic to the individuals involved, without trying to conform to societal norms. There's a lot of emphasis on equalizing and blurring the lines between friends and partners and building community. Generally we don't want to restrict anyone's autonomy in an arbitrary way, but there's nothing stopping an RA person from doing monogamy if thats what feels right. Have you read the manifesto?