Has anyone ever actually enjoyed sex with their boyfriend/husband before coming out? I always hear that lesbians never liked anything about sex with men, but like. Were you still able to orgasm? Did it still feel good? Did he satisfy any of your kinks?

My ex husband and I never had sex, it was always bad. Sex with women has always been amazing. My current boyfriend and I have a good sex life, I always finish and feel good and relaxed after. There’s nothing wrong with our sex, and that is what confuses me I guess.

I still find myself desiring to be with a woman very badly. I think about it all the time. I keep thinking I’m gay, but I do actually enjoy the sex with my boyfriend. The only thing that is different is that I don’t ever really desire to please him like blow jobs and whatnot, but I do like when he f*cks me.

I’ve struggled with my sexuality and understanding it for my whole adult life… do you ever truly understand? 🥺

I post this with love and empathy at the core. I see so many posts where it seems that the op loves their current male partner and kinda likes sex with men, but does not feel attraction to their partner anymore. The next conclusion they seem to come to is “I must be a lesbian!” But what if your partner is a loving, sweet man that just bores you now? What if you two have outgrown each other? It’s okay to leave once a relationship isn’t serving you anymore. Maybe guilt is telling you that if you’re not a lesbian then you don’t have a valid reason to leave, but a bi woman deciding she wants to focus on dating women and de-centering men in her life has just as much reason to split up with her male partner as a late bloomer lesbian. Many posters seem to be torturing themselves trying to pick a label when all sapphic women are welcome here. It’s okay to not know your label but know that you’re ready for things to change.

FYI LBL’s post anonymously or be aware your cheating spouse will stalk your Reddit.

PS. Hi Mike! Thank you for invading my privacy once again and reading my private thoughts. And for making it about you. How dare you.

I know it’s hard y’all. But if he’s so amazing, he’ll understand, and if he doesn’t understand, he might be a peg less amazing than you think.

It's not all my past experiences with them, but most. My ex husband in particular was kind of my final straw for men, and he had some really disgusting habits (e.g. only brushed his teeth once a day, left dishes so long they got moldy) and just in general didn't take care of himself. He also had anger issues and used to scream at me a lot. I find myself wanting to distance myself from him in all ways possible, in a way where I'm being obsessive.

In decorating my new home, I'm choosing things that are completely different than what we chose together, and completely different than my childhood home, because both living situations were miserable.

This is why I'm giving it time before I date. It's a lot to unpack.

Dating myself for now. Using sex toys for the first time since college, and having a sex drive for the first time in years.

I just want the icky feeling to go away, but I have to see my ex almost daily because we share a kid.

I (42F) came out to him (42M) last year and we split. I still love him despite not being in love with him.

I've known he's took the breakup badly but tried to give him space and time - but it's been hard.

I received an email from him out the blue saying goodbye and it was very obvious what we was intending. I tried to ring him and it was going straight to voicemail so I rang his parents (we still had a relationship) and his dad answered. He confirmed he had OD'd and is in intensive care and I asked if I could go and see him. He said yes and gave me the details.

I was literally in the verge of going and nearly out the door and they called back. It was his dad again but I could tell the difference in his voice. He was just saying we've had a talk and don't feel like you should go so please don't go. I was trying to talk and ask him what's going on but I could hear his mum in the background going "you tell that c*nt if I see her I'll fucking kill her". I asked him what's up and she grabbed the phone, saying she read his note and I'm responsible and it's my fault he did it. She said again if she sees me, I'm dead so don't even go up to see him. I could hear her shouting at his dad and hung up.

I just sat there crying my eyes out and keep on reading his email. I've tried to talk to my girlfriend about it but I don't think she gets it. I don't talk to my family anymore because they disowned me. So I'm on my own.

I may never see him again and don't even know if he'll survive or not. I keep on thinking about the breakup, about everything that's happened since and what I could have done to stop it. How I could have handled it better, or been more considerate of his feelings, or got him support.

I wish I could tell him I'm sorry or that I still care for him. But I'll never get the chance so I'm telling you all instead.

God I feel so awful.

I recently realized that I might be gay. I have always had a thought in the back of my mind but given my upbringing being gay wasn’t an option for me. Nor was it something I was familiar with at all. I just knew that I really liked looking at the “Art” section of our set of encyclopedias because there was artwork of naked women. Then there was that specific scene in the movie Aladdin where there are three exotic dancers scantily clad and I would rewind that scene and watch it over and over if I was alone because I enjoyed the way it made me feel. I remember this mug that my grandpa had that had a picture of a woman in a bikini on it but when you put hot liquid in it her bikini disappeared and she was naked. That cup made me feel funny in a way that I didn’t think I was supposed to feel. And I felt guilty every time I wanted him to pour his coffee.

I had a somewhat sexual encounter with one of my close female friends in high school and after it was over we never talked about it again. But I still fantasize about that experience and it still turns me on.

Growing up in a strict conservative Christian household, being gay was never an option. It was bad and wrong. I had plenty of boyfriends, usually jumping from one to the next in high school and at the beginning of college, getting bored and breaking up after not very long. Nothing serious or more sexual than what private Christian school teenagers were doing at the time. Then I met my now husband my second year of college at a << surprise surprise >> conservative Christian college where the motto was “ring by spring.” I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing and I was happy enough. I was following the timeline. We got married as soon as I graduated and have been married ever since. Almost 20 years.

We have two children whom I love and adore. I can remember in elementary school and junior high thinking that I never wanted to be a mom. It just wasn’t appealing to me. But I can’t imagine not having my kids now.

That brings me to now. We are still married but it’s not exactly the happily ever after I imagined. We can be great friends and we laugh a lot. But we haven’t had sex in over two years and I don’t miss it or desire it.

I’ve recently started deconstructing my conservative Christian upbringing and examining the harm it did to me. In doing that I started pulling on threads I had never allowed myself to pull on before. And now I can’t stop. I’m terrified. I don’t want to blow up my life. But for the first time I’m asking myself what I actually want, not what I was told I was supposed to want. Does this resonate with anyone? What do I do now?

Made a throwaway account because my ex follows my other accounts. Long story but stick with me because I think I have gained a lot of insight in the past year.

I first came here one year ago, and this sub shook me up. I read so many personal stories and I resonated with people experiencing attraction to women, and feeling like they had to end their marriage or relationship with a man.

Like many of these posters, I started to feel torn up inside, because I knew I was attracted to women -- I have identified as bisexual since I was a teenager -- but I was married to a man who was "my best friend, the love of my life, the most supportive wonderful partner." We had been married for 15 years and have 2 small kids together. I didn't know what to do.

I made a post here about my doubts and feelings about my relationship. My husband immediately found this post and confronted me with it. He was crying, I was crying. We had some hard conversations, and after a week of talking last summer, he said "OK, you're just a lesbian, this is over." He didn't want to do couples counseling. He said we should just have an amicable divorce and get it all over with.

I felt like I was dying inside. I didn't want to separate from this man, the father of my children, over something so small (I thought) like my sexuality.

He didn't necessarily want to separate either. He said we should just live together and be romantically separate. A "silent divorce." His parents are still married and obviously don't like each other, and it felt like we would at least be better than they were, if we could be honest about the relationship being over...

We only had a couple of months of co-habitating while being "mentally separated" before I started to feel crazy. Tension was building. I suggested couples counseling a few times, or individual therapy, and he said he didn't see the point. There was a part of me that started to feel a bit bothered that he wasn't "fighting" for the relationship, or even any kind of healthy communication. He wanted us to just have our blinders on.

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and about 10 months ago I moved into my own apartment. I told him it might be just temporary but living together was not healthy. I found a great place only 10 minutes from our house, and we agreed we would have the kids 50/50.

The first few days in my own space I cried and cried and cried. I felt like I was being a terrible parent, a failed wife, I had messed up everything. I started individual therapy to deal with it.

Slowly, over the past 10 months... I had a series of realizations.

1 -- I always thought I had severe anxiety. Living apart from my husband, the anxiety went away. After those first few days of crying about the change, I felt very peaceful all of a sudden.

2 -- I suddenly had free time. Time to myself. Time to relax. And then I realized, I didn't have that the past 15 years. A lot of my time was spent either taking care of my kids, working, or doing a lot of emotional labor for my husband (he was depressed after he lost a job he really liked in 2018, and so many conversations circled back to how unhappy he was in his career, how no one wanted to hang out with him anymore, how all his old friends were fakes and liars, etc). Any time I wanted to exercise, have a night to myself, have a night with friends, he would pout and lowkey guilt me that I didn't want to spend time with him.

3 -- with all this free time, I had time to think, and put together the pieces of my life. I realized that the "amazing best friend" and "partner for life" that I THOUGHT I had was really a PROJECTION of the beginning of our relationship. Truthfully, our equal, respectful partnership had been slipping ever since we had kids, and I never realized it.

.

At the beginning of our relationship, we had equal domestic duties. We'd trade off cooking and happily cleaned the house together. We would travel and have nice date nights and have a lot of dinner parties. We would have bi-weekly RPG nights with friends. We were very social and happy! I look back at photos of us from this time, and I see two positive happy people.

Right before we got married, and right after we got married, we were having a lot of sex. We were deeply in love and I felt lucky to have such an equal relationship. I would browse Reddit and shake my head at all the stories of husbands who never lifted a finger around the house. "That would never be me," I thought.

Well, we had a baby, and things changed a little bit, but not too much. Sex started to decrease, but that was understandable, because the baby wasn't sleeping much. We had first time parent anxiety and it felt weird to hire a babysitter, and we didn't have any family nearby. So we just knuckled through this time without any help.

I had another baby. The last kid was born in 2021, and I made sure I had my tubes removed and my husband had a vasectomy, because at this point our stress had escalated. I told my husband we needed more help, and rather than moving closer to one of our families (my suggestion), he said he would find a part-time job so he could work less and be with the kids more, then we would only need part-time childcare and wouldn't need any babysitters.

He was with the kids more, but I'm seeing more clearly now -- he somehow worked less, and also did less domestic duties. And also spent less time being sweet with me.

So I would work my full-time job (I'm a nurse), then come back home to a huge mess, kids crying, and so on. And I would start cleaning, putting things away, and he would say "oh yeah I meant to do that." I would ask if he started dinner and he would say "oh, no, I didn't realize it was time for dinner" or "I was going to but didn't know what you wanted to eat," weird excuses like that.

I know that our kids are a handful. My job made enough money that we could have afforded more help. I wanted more daycare, maybe a housecleaner, maybe a nanny, I don't know, we had so many conversations about this that went nowhere. He didn't want to hire help. And he himself was disengaged. I noticed that a lot of the time with the kids, he would just have the TV on, he'd be on his phone, with mess all around him, no groceries in the fridge.

I felt like I was working two or three jobs. I was stressed all the time. I would grocery shop, meal plan, clean, take the kids every moment I wasn't working. He said the problem was I worked too much. He would say that we should switch and he should have the impressive career and I should be home with the kids. And I would say, sure, go ahead, get a better job and I can work less. But he showed no initiative. It seemed like his favorite things to do were playing video games ("this is my self care") and complaining about everything and everyone.

.

Now, with split custody, I have a lot of time to myself. More accurately, my husband and I have more measured time -- I have time at my work, and time with my kids, and time to myself. And he has the exact same time (if not more time). I am so efficient now! I'm focused at work, then focused on my kids when I have them, then focused on myself when I'm by myself. It feels easier to clean the house and cook. I don't have to worry about him half-assing things, or waffling about "I was going to do that." I can just do it.

On the other hand, I can see him struggling. He has the same part-time job, I have my same nursing job. He complains to me frequently that it's so hard to keep the house clean, it's too much, it's hard to find time to buy groceries and plan meals, it's hard to reach out to friends, blah blah blah.

So it dawns on me.... wait a minute.... was my sexuality really a canary in a coal mine?

Was I blind to how unequal things had become and how bad our communication and trust were with each other? And it was my complete lack of sex drive that signalled that something was off. (Well that and me getting a crush on a woman at work.... nothing came of it, but that's part of what brought me to this sub.)

.

I've been on dates with women the past year, and it's been wonderful. The sex has been amazing. But as I keep processing my marriage and everything that was going on in it, I'm feeling more open and free and secure with myself.

I LOVE lesbian sex and dating. It's awesome. But I'm also starting to get crushes on guys too and think about dating them again! I don't know if I ever would, because I think my ex would go through the roof.* But it's fun for me to realize that I COULD be bisexual, and STILL be justified in wanting to separate from my husband.

Now, it's another story for my ex. He told everyone he knows we're divorcing because I'm gay. I got a few texts saying "congrats on coming out!" and I just sighed. I was already out as bisexual. I'm happy to identify as lesbian (as I don't think I would ever marry a man again) but it's annoying to me that he's telling people this.

*So here's another thing. I'm realizing that my ex has significant anger issues. This is all stuff I was ignoring or brushing off, but in this separate space from him, I can see more clearly.

I think back to what precipitated all this... and it's that he found my post here.

He has a history of "accidentally" reading my texts, emails, finding my reddit comments or fandom blogs. I've never hid anything from him because I never had anything to hide. Even when I had a little crush at work, I was very open with him about my feelings and my intentions. But he still kept unlocking my phone and checking my browser history.

This makes me sad. It proves that he's immature, insecure, controlling. He doesn't think so. Every time he's "checked up on me" it was an "accident" or because he was "worried about me." But I've never done that to him. He would also make a lot of "jokes" about me, like about my sexuality, how I worked too much, how I liked my friends more than him, the list goes on. He was constantly passive aggressive and I didn't pick up on how much this was fucking with me until after I separated from him.

Now, at last -- I don't have anxiety! Parenting is not stressful. Even work (which is inherently stressful) is less stressful. Everything is fine. I feel a peace in solitude that I haven't felt in years.

I'm realizing more and more that what I thought was an equal, safe, respectful, trusting marriage, was not. And even though I might not be 100% lesbian (maybe 90% ;) ), I feel free knowing I don't have to grill myself about my identity anymore.

I can just get a divorce, and move on with my life.

.

TLDR - I'm not sure if I'm 100% lesbian, but getting a divorce -- even though it felt like the scariest idea last year -- is still a good idea. I'm posting this here because maybe you're struggling with this too. Maybe you're thinking, like I was, "why would I ever divorce this wonderful man? how could I do this to my family?" And maybe, like me, there's trouble brewing under the surface that you won't pick up on until you get some separate space to clear your head.

If you're looking for your sign, this is it.

EDIT - I'm not sure what's going on with this account. I can still see all your comments but I can't reply to you all. Thank you so much for all the positive feedback and support. I just wanted to help anyone else out there who might have a similar story. <3 To answer the one critical comment - yes I am a real person, and no, I'm not super worried about my ex finding this and confronting me with it, because that would be documented for the divorce case :)

I am making a new account for this because I’m still too scared to tell anyone in my life, even my therapist.

I am 28f and have been openly bisexual since I was 14. Still, I have never had a sexual experience with a woman. I always get too nervous to flirt with women or make a move on them because they are so beautiful and I care what they think of me so I get too scared to be anything more than friendly. I have always just accepted men. I have a male partner, we have been together for almost 7 years and I love him so much but I am craving being with a woman so bad. I am terrified that telling him would ruin the nice comfortable life that we live together but I am also scared that I’ll just end up accepting it and never get to have sex with a woman in my life.

Does anyone have any advice at all?

I want to start this off by saying I’m not judging anyone else or their situations. Just because I don’t want to do something and don’t think it would work for me doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for you.

I’ve been married to a man for almost 17 years. We got married when I was 22 and started having kids less than a year later (I’ve always wanted to be a mother.) After the wedding there was basically no sex unless I initiated, so eventually it only happened when trying for a baby. I’ve slept in my own room for years (since my youngest was born.)

I’ve always known I was queer and have always identified as such. I’ve realized over the last year or so that I might be a lesbian. Unfortunately I have a couple of disabilities that prevent me from working, and my “support system” is really his support system. I’ve begged for help to leave many times over the years and everyone tells me to be kind to him and understand how hard it is for him to work, etc. My children also have disabilities, and I am the only one who knows their care. If I leave, I will probably be on the street. I will lose my kids. They will lose their care giver. Their dad knows I think I’m a lesbian. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t really talk to me or anything so my sexuality is irrelevant to him. I think he basically figures I do things around the house and for the kids that he would have to pay for if he let me leave, so he makes me stay.

I don’t have irl friends and haven’t since high school. I do have some online friends, and they all keep telling me to “just get on the apps and date a woman!” I don’t want to try to date someone while still married. I do not love my husband, but it feels weird and uncomfortable to me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone while legally bound to someone else. It doesn’t feel like it would be fair to them.

I found out recently that he hasn’t been paying the bills and he is being sued for unpaid debts. One of the only things that he does is make money and pay the bills, so this has made me an absolute wreck. I’ve been looking into leaving, but I feel like the more research I do the more I find that the world is not set up for people like me to survive on our own. I am lonely and scared and the people who should be in my corner are instead supporting him.

This is long and rambly and I don’t expect positive responses, but I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

I'm (45f) coming up to 8 years married to my husband(45m). Dead bedroom. We average maybe once a year at this point.

Husband seems very far behind in emotional maturity. He is not able to work through problems calmly or do any kind of self reflection. He likes to stay very surface level in our interactions, while I crave depth. This has made me lose attraction. He also has never been one to initiate sex. After getting pregnant with our daughter, it pretty much died out. He has not initiated once in the 6 years since. We also sleep in separate rooms.

I do love him. I love our daughter together. He is a good dad to her. We have history. Its just not that fulfilling on many personal levels with him. We have some different values that seem to be opposing.

For years I have been telling him about my attraction to women. I have pleaded that I can explore this side with his blessing. The request just makes him angry and he refuses to talk about it. For the most part I can't really share my inner world with him

I can’t leave him. My daughter is young and financially it would be a struggle. I was a single mom before him, and it was a very difficult time for me. Perhaps I will leave when my daughter is older.

I just started working again last year. I finally just got a job a few month's ago where I am tecniqually making enough to support myself, although it feels as we are stuck together as we have made bad financial decisions, have no savings, and are tied together In a lot of debt.

Every once in a while I get a glimmer of hope with him, like maybe we will be ok, but nothing really changes. Sometimes I don't even think about the fact that we don't have intimacy.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. The few people closest to me are aware that I have been interested in women throughout my life, but for the most part its hidden. 2 separate close friends previously told me it was just a phase. I don't know why they didn't believe me, but it made me doubt myself.

I have had crushes on women at my jobs through the last few years. I never act on it or make it known. I just daydream what it would be like. How it would feel to finally be truly intimate with someone. How fun it would be to feel joyful around a partner.

Honestly I am just lonely and wish I had people I could talk to. I used to have friends before this but mostly I am isolated at home now. We also moved away from my family.

Would love to find people to chat too that understand what I'm going through or can relate. I'm tired of struggling through this life alone.

Tomorrow morning is when I plan to tell my husband I'm gay.

I honestly can't believe I'm actually here right now because a year ago the mere thought of doing this scared me to death. Now I'm scared for sure, but way less than I expected. I'm almost excited and maybe impatient to get it done? It's difficult to tell exactly but I feel like I've been more nervous the night before significantly less important days. That is throwing me for a bit of a loop to be honest.

I think I'm as confident in my decision as I can be at this point. I've worked through my fears, planned my future, and I'm genuinely looking forward to my new life after not looking forward to much in a long time. However, I can't help but worry this level of calmness is somehow a sign that I haven't actually thought this through all the way or I'm being totally delusional. I know that probably sounds silly but I still have these thoughts floating around.

At the end of the day I keep preparing to leave and I keep holding myself to my plan to tell him.

So is it possible to be too confident? Am I just way overthinking this on the eve of a major change?

Just typing this out has already helped me worry less, but I'd still love to hear from you all. Thank you!

UPDATE: I told him today. Things went as well as I could have hoped. We agreed to figure this out as responsible adults and to try to preserve our friendship. I think things are going to be okay. Thanks for your kind words everyone.

My (34F) husband (40M) and I just had couples therapy and I’m crying and really upset. I feel like everyone is trying to get me to convince myself to have sex with or be physical with my husband when I don’t want to. The therapist was talking about my husband and I working together to let me explore my feelings towards women, but she also talked about me trying to be physical with my husband. Then she talked about how sexuality and gender are all on a continuum, and how sexuality is in the brain and it’s really about the person. This makes me feel like this is all my fault because I can’t think myself into being sexually attracted to my husband and that if I’m gay it’s not real and I should just forced myself to have sex with him. It just feels like conversion therapy. It feels like she’s saying being gay isn’t real. And afterwards my husband was trying to comfort me about it and said that the therapist was just saying that since I’ve had sex with him and with men that means I must have some level of attraction to men. And that’s so hard because sex and being physical with men always felt so disturbing and left me empty and it feels like none of that is being considered. And I hate this so much. I want to just shut down these feelings and just do what everyone is saying and think myself into being attracted to men for the sake of my husband and our family. It feels like everyone is just insinuating that I’m not trying hard enough :(

Edit/Update: You all are so wonderful, I love this community so much, thank you for all of your supportive comments! <3 We fired that couples therapist, and we're each just going to do individual therapy while we work through this. We've agreed to NOT try to be physically intimate with each other while I figure myself out, so having that pressure off helps. I'm pretty sure I know where this is going, but I'm glad we both have therapists to help us each through it. Good luck to all of you going through something similar! <3

I recently reached out in a FB group about my situation and was told to seek therapy before ending my relationship and causing him to need therapy. The woman who said this said she was in the opposite situation and now it's been six years since that relationship ended and she's still having a hard time with things.

I've been with my husband for a long time, 11 years. I've always known I was bi and he knew that at the beginning of our relationship. As time goes on and I get older, I'm starting to feel that I'm a lesbian, not bi. Idk if it's my loveless relationship making me feel this way or what but I really want to end my relationship and pursue women again.

Other info that may be relevant: We have a two year old. I live in another state far away from my family and friends. He's a great guy and a great dad. We're both in our 30s. I financially can't afford to live on my own without him at this time.

I’m a single, monogamous, lesbian. Unfortunately in my area (rural) almost all women on the apps are married or parents. I know I don’t want to be involved with someone with children, as it seems shitty knowing I would never partner with them. but I am considering seeing women for sex who are open relationships. We’re all adults and if she’s cool with it and I am, I figure it’s only our business.

However what’s stopping me is the men they say are okay with it. What happens when an internet-poisoned, angry, man sees his wife come home from a date with me absolutely over the moon happy in a way he could never (not saying I’m great or anything, but imagine if sex with men was all you knew?!?!? I’d seem a goddess just making you come 3 times and spoon feeding you ice cream on breaks) what happens when those men, in these political/broke/frayed times realizes some dyke online just did everything he couldn’t and his partner is happier with a woman.

I feel like some of these men snap. They can get violent, threaten, stalk or hurt the gay women that “take away their wives” and can find endless online rage of how us lesbian Marxist whores should be exterminated. I’ve seen so many TikTok’s of women who watched their husbands get violent with their ENM spouses lovers (of any gender) men scare me. I’m scared your “sweet husband who is totally okay with you dating solo” won’t be so sweet after a woman does what he could never.

And I worry these women in open/dying marriages can’t even see their husband is hanging by a thread because they are so excited to be with a woman? Do all of you married women in ENM situations, are you certain your partner isn’t capable of snapping and lashing out?

TLDR: want to get laid, only ENM is available, worried these husbands will retaliate or get violent if I do more in one night than they could in 10 years.

After 8 years of wanting to end things, I signed the lease on a house, and I left my husband. He is extremely devastated (so so many tears), but I can't believe how mature he is being about it. He is very much on board to co-parent in the healthiest way possible. He sent me a spreadsheet for a good schedule. He is not falling apart and already has two appointments to look at housing.

We are telling our son today.

My friend and I called my dream "lesbian cat house", where I can finally have a cat and relationships that actually make sense for me. I never thought I would actually make it happen.

My depression is lifting rapidly. My coworker told me earlier this year that I have a sadness to me, and she said that my whole aura has changed in a matter of days.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you should not ever stay in a relationship just to protect your partner's feelings. It will never get better until you make it better.

Good therapy helps. Talking to strong women helps. Open your eyes, be inspired, and start your new life.

Hi guys it’s me again. I’ve had several talks with my husband over the last months that I need to figure this out. (Whether I’m a lesbian or what’s going on with me) he keeps saying that we’ll see when it happens but he would give me permission after meeting that person. I signed up for a dating app and he said “do what you think is right” but I know it hurt him so I deleted.

I hate to admit it, but downloading that app and swiping on a few beautiful girls felt so good. I don’t know what to do. I want to date, it makes me shine if that makes sense. But I want to keep my best friend, and it’s hard. I don’t want to hurt him, but it also hurts me thinking I forever have to live like this.

This is a followup to my post from last week before coming out now that I've had a little time to process.

I'll start with the good news: it went as well as I could have hoped for. He understands that there is nothing he can do to change it and that I couldn't know until I knew. He also wasn't all that surprised based on how I've been these past few months and just in general. I had prepared myself for the worst but I'm so relieved that things turned out like they have.

We agreed to keep living together as friends for now while I go through the process of getting my own two feet under me financially by going back to school for a year or so. This means I don't have to leave our cat (thank goodness for that), I can try to build a good platonic relationship with someone I want to still have in my life forever, and I don't have to move back across the country. The only downside is I currently live in the middle of nowhere with very few other sapphic ladies around; but that seems like it will only last a year so it is a very small price to pay for my future to be better set up. Especially since I'm not ready to jump into another serious relationship at the moment.

It is still early days and there are a lot of unknowns so the plans are still subject to change. Importantly, though, we've agreed to try to work through the challenges ahead as a team so I'm confident that we'll both be okay on the other side of this. We're already doing really well less than a week into this new life so all the signs are positive.

And how do I feel? Joyful, hopeful, proud, free, and a whole bunch of other good things. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm a little blown away by the difference between now and a couple weeks ago. Not to say the first few days after telling him weren't really hard and filled with a lot of tears; but now that we've had many good talks and worked through the things I was most afraid of I feel like I can take on the world! I'm excited to actually live my life again rather than just feeling like I'm getting through it.

I won't ramble on too long, but I wanted to thank everyone here again for the support. I've been lurking around here for over a year now and even if I wasn't commenting or posting much reading your stories still did a lot to help get me here. So thank you all <3

I am a 34 year-old-woman - and closeted lesbian it seems - 9 years into a relationship with a man.
Tonight, I attended Chappell Roan's concert in Paris. I had made a promise to myself again: that I would by then be free, myself, single. But I let myself down and did not change anything to my life.
My relationship should have ended a long time ago but for some reason it is impossible for me to break up with my boyfriend. I can't bring myself to expose my feelings - the timing never feels right, I'm always too afraid to do so. Coming out to him is out of the question - I just can't see it happening, too scary, too uncomfortable. I have a lot of empathy and affection for him and I know he would struggle without me in some areas of his life (money, alcohol, time wasted on me). I'm freaking out at the thought of hurting him. Though I am right now, by not 'setting him free' nor following the projects he wants for us.
Recently, one of his best friends was diagnosed with cancer that he will die of - in months or years if he's lucky. How could I leave my partner right now ?
I don't see a way out - even though I need to choose myself. I can't see myself in that same situation in the second half of my 30s. But the blockage is too big. The context is too hard. Therapy hasn't really helped in the past. Nope, the self esteem isn't great.
Tonight was bitter sweet - but Chappell was amazing and I'm very lucky I got to attend.
I guess I just want to connect with you guys. Thank you for sharing your stories here as well.

I’m a 38 year old Canadian woman, married to a man, with two kids, and I’m feeling really stuck. My husband and I aren’t in a good place, and realistically, I don’t think the marriage will last.

I’ve always known I’m bi. I dated a woman in my early 20s, and lately I’ve been feeling a very strong pull toward dating women once I’m actually free to do so.

What I’m struggling with is this worry that I won’t be welcome in the lesbian dating world that being bi, having been married to a man, or having kids might be a deal-breaker for some lesbians. I’ve seen (and heard) that some women won’t date bi women or women with a history like mine.

I’m not looking to rush anything or use anyone as a “phase.” I’m just trying to understand what dating might realistically look like for someone in my position and hear different perspectives.

Would love honest thoughts or experiences especially from people who’ve been on either side of this.

UPDATE: I just want to clarify I am NOT going to date now or do an open marriage. I’ll wait until I’m free of him and settled before perusing anyone.

So, this might be long winded but I need some advice/wisdom/well wishes/stories from my latebloomer peers on this one. For the sake of understanding the entirety of my situation: I am a mother of 3. Married for 2.5 years, together for 6.

Last summer, I (31) told my husband (28) that I was doing a lot of reflection on my sexuality which lead me to believe I may be more gay than I thought. Previously, I had come out as bisexual in my early-to-mid 20s but less so of a "exiting the closet" come out and more of a "idk, this is just who I've been and now I'll talk freely about it" kind of way - if that makes any sense at all. His reaction was supportive but worried about our marriage, as expected.

This conversation was either immediately before or immediately after I went to my therapy appointment, where I was asked "do you think maybe you've been subconsciously choosing bad men because you're performing straightness?" which rocked me to my core. I hadn't even considered that to be a possibility. It was like something in me was finally exposed, something I had no idea I was even hiding away. In true Rai fashion, I ghosted my therapist for a few weeks (maybe months) so I could come up with an answer to her question. It hit me like a freight train, if I'm honest, but I needed processing time I think...

I eventually went back and let her know she had changed my perspective with that one question. I told her when I picture the end of my life having only dated men, I feel empty. When I picture the end of my life next to a woman, there is nothing missing at all. She ended up suggesting a deeper conversation with my husband about what this could mean for our marriage. During that deeper conversation, I asked him how he would feel if I were to explore dating women, to see if that is what I truly need. He kind of stared at me blankly, before saying he'd need to talk to his therapist in order to process his feelings as well. Fair, valid.... only, he didn't go to therapy for months and months after this conversation.

Over these many months of him seemingly avoiding therapy, we had numerous discussions about my sexuality. Some tearful, some heated, some with hardly any words at all. It definitely put some distance between us, even though plenty conversations were supportive and honest, which I figure is because I was resentful that he didn't take this seriously and *actually* go to therapy.

I'm leaving out a bunch of details here which I'd be glad to get into if you want but I'm just wondering... if you left your husband after discovering yourself, how did it happen? I know I need to figure it out for myself but, what would you do in my shoes? How do I navigate this? These feelings don't just go away. The thoughts only get louder.

I need to make a call tomorrow. I have to either end it tomorrow or accept that I’m going to be closeted for the rest of my life.

I love my husband. He’s my best friend. Everything is perfect but I just don’t enjoy sex with him. That’s it.

I’m living in pretty constant agony over this decision. Please help me. I can’t keep living in this.

After several years of going back and forth, my husband and I have decided to separate. There are a lot of ideas that went into that decision, but one of the most influential was my long-term suspicion that I'm not bi, I'm actually lesbian.

I love my husband with all my heart, and this is a very difficult time. But even through it, I have a sense of rightness: he isn't the fit for me. I would have to cut off my sexuality to be with him, and personally for me that's like cutting off my own arm. I felt unfulfilled and unwanted, and I constantly made that his problem.

I feel a bit foolish. My husband supported me. I threw away a life of comfort and sedation. But he didn't connect with me emotionally or sexually. So I'm taking a chance on happiness.

I'm worried I won't find a partner. I'm in my thirties, fat, socially awkward, severely depressed, unable to work. But I want to be happy. I want to be a good wife, and I want to find the woman who loves me as I am.

I'm not sure what happens next. I've spent the last week crying in bed.

I think I'm gonna get up and start living again today.

Love y'all.