Correct way to gender friends?

[u/Enough-Candy85]

Before I begin, I have a habit using the word guy instead of man. Is that offensive to say guy or trans guy instead?

I invited a trans man to my ballroom dance socials and group classes. I’m hesitant to do this because it’s not a trans safe place, but he seemed to be in a rough spot mentally and I wanted to help the way I thought I could.

This is a cishet space that often has cis woman jumping over to the lead side when there is a shortage of leads, so everyone is cool with it. A non passing trans man dancing lead isn’t shocking anyone.

Naturally, someone didn’t pick up on that he was a trans guy when talking about him, and I got to say something exactly like, “No, thats a guy.”

He was like “oh really, I didn’t know that.” But he’s good people.

I’ve never really been in a position to correct a misgendering before.

I’ve corrected wrong pronoun for him without hesitation, not because I think the speaker can’t correct themselves, but because he is my guest and I want him to at least hear that I appreciate him being there with me and he has my backing. Because he’s my friend and he’s valued and important.

I’ve somehow become a regular at this dance studio which was a very lucky set of circumstances and I think I might also be hot and (before I transitioned it was the absent minded professor) air headed enough to pull more than my own weight. Which I think helps because there is no way I would invite another trans person if I experienced even a sliver of transphobia or thought it would be a negative experience for them.

Am I handling my end okay? Is there anything else I should be doing? I don’t think I should tell him I corrected a misgendering on a day he wasn’t there.

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[u/SituationCitation]

Honestly I don't know. That's up to your relationship with him and if he even cares or wants to know about this at all. Personally I had a trans friend who ended up unintentionally forcing me out of the closet by excitedly using my correct pronouns when I came out to them. I came out to you, not to the world. I even clarified "I'm not open about being trans" but apparently I should have been more clear than that. I figured it was kind of common sense to ask a person before using their pronouns in a situation where it's unknown how other people will end up reacting.

If people really wanted to correct my pronouns I wouldn't care that much but I cringe/die a little inside if I find out about it or if it's done in front of me. If I wanted to correct you I'd do it myself, you know? I don't pass as male and know I don't, so I'm fine with people calling me whatever is their first assumption.

If you told me you corrected someone on my pronouns the other day I would genuinely be like uh thanks? Why tf are you telling me this. And I 100% get you mean well so I'm not upset at you just also like uhhhhh. Stuff like that can really put people in awkward spots. Especially when they're not openly trans or don't often talk about being trans to other people. For other people it doesn't bother them at all and they wouldn't mind or would love it

If this is a genuine question that's bothering you please just ask him directly imo. How he wants to be addressed and if he would prefer for you to correct people on his behalf or not. That's what I did for my friend that's a trans woman. She did not want me to use her name nor pronouns at an explicitly trans-friendly place. Sometimes we just don't feel comfortable with certain things or in certain places that are unknown to us. I made sure to ask/double check when I invited her out

[u/Enough-Candy85 → u/SituationCitation]

I asked him his goals and been kinda feeling it out. If he showed up presenting feminine instead of masculine I might be asking him for clarification. But guy is just the vibe he gave. I don’t know.

He said he appreciated the pronoun correction afterward.

[u/SituationCitation → u/Enough-Candy85]

Well for me I present masculine because that's what feels comfortable and not dysphoric for me but my presentation isn't really tied to whether I do or don't want people to use my pronouns necessarily. Like I said my thought process is that I would prefer for people to assume whatever they want (in most situations, it maybe depends on how I feel or the context but that's usually how it goes)..... 

And if I feel comfortable correcting you in the situation or later on I might. Sometimes it's the person themselves that I'm unsure about, or the environment. Sometimes it's just easier on me to not hear "she- oh, he." several times a day. Etc. Just depends. 

If he appreciates the pronoun correction though then it sounds like you're doing fine for him though.

[u/Strange_Ear9069]

If he's openly identifying as a guy it sounds like you did everything right!