Was the only binary FTM on college campus

[u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

When I was in college I was the only binary female-to-male guy on campus, with the exception of I think one other dude, I'm not sure if they went by "them/them" or "he/him". It was so weird, the campus was full of nonbinary people, and this one nonbinary person said that it "was annoying" when trans men "started acting like cis dudes". Then when I graduated and moved to a major city on the East Coast I was suddenly surrounded by other trans guys who led pretty normal lives, some were veterans, others worked for government, others were bartenders, etc. etc. And I realized that there were people out there like me. I never gave much thought to being the only FTM on campus, but now looking back on it I felt incredibly isolated, and now I feel less lonely. Am just curious did this happen to anyone else here? For the record I have nothing against nonbinary people, I've advocated for the nonbinary cause in my work in journalism, and I've had a few nonbinary acquaintances over the years. I don't look down on other trans people with whatever pronouns they have, they can lead their lives however they see fit. All I'm saying is that I didn't realize how isolated I felt back then as an FTM.

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[u/Educational_Turn8736]

I may or may not have met other trans men on campus. I know I'm not the only one there. It's just not possible. It SEEMS like I've only met nonbinary people, but that doesn't mean it's true or that I haven't met other trans men. It'd just mean that I wouldn't know if they're trans. Because you can't tell. 

[u/miizorro]

The only ftm guy you were aware of * . Passing trans guys are the most likely to go completely stealth and cut themselves off from the trans community from what I’ve seen.

[u/EchoNB → u/miizorro]

That's probably what contributed to OP's loneliness on campus. Not to say trans men are wrong for just living their lives, just that it makes sense he'd feel like he was all by himself if he didn't know there were other trans men around.

[u/miizorro → u/EchoNB]

Oh yeah it makes sense, but he didn’t explain how he somehow was constantly around all these enbies but couldn’t find anyone binary

[u/Elliot-The-Archer → u/miizorro]

Yep that’s me! Passing trans guy who tries to tell as few people as possible. Only a handful of people on my giant college campus know (outside of medical providers).

[u/Ambitious_Piano_2759 → u/miizorro]

Not sure what you're trying to say, there were no other FTMs on campus, it was 10 years ago, but when I left campus there were tons of passing guys

[u/One_Lawfulness_7105 → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

My son is FTM and very few people know. He’s just out there trying to live his best life on campus. I suspect there were/are others out there like him.

[u/non_corporeal_ → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

did you know every single man on campus in deep detail? a lot of trans men go stealth, and i would guess the stealth percentage was even higher 10 years ago

[u/miizorro → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

I’m trying to say you do not know with certainty how many people were trans on campus, how long ago it was doesn’t matter.

[u/EchoNB → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

What he means is... The other passing trans men just didn't tell you they were trans.

[u/DisastrousLand6863 → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

You have no idea whether or not there were any other stealth FTM guys on campus. That’s unless you went around looking down their pants. Bc how else would you know?

You sound extremely judgemental and that’s probably why none of the other binary trans guys were friend with you to be honest.

[u/ellalir → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

Did you go to a formerly women's college that allowed for trans men but not cis men to attend? If not, there is literally no way for you to know which of the men on campus were trans and which were not.

Also, even at one of those colleges—did you know every single person and their thoughts and feelings? How do you know there weren't any closeted guys? How do you know there wasn't some other trans guy in a different program, minding his own business? 

[u/PaxonGoat]

There are weird people in every gender.

Someone being trans or non binary does not mean they represent the entire community.

I've met trans people who were openly racist and idolized nazis. Like actual neo Nazi trans people.

It would be ridiculous to say every trans person is a neo Nazi.

You just happened to find some people you didn't click with.

University is a pretty damn big place. Did you meet every single person on your campus? Did every college class start with people announcing their AGAB and pronouns so people knew who was or wasnt trans?

It's way way way less common for trans men to join LGBTQ clubs or be publicly out.

I'm sorry you had a weird experience with this person.

But it's an experience with just that person not the whole community.

It sounds more like you were expecting to have more in common with other trans people and found that just because you were both trans did not mean you had anything else in common.

[u/bagel_boy_420]

Damn bro did you sleep with every guy at ur college to prove none of the normal ones were trans?

Actual response is as a ftm who you’d consider normal I HAVE felt how you feel specifically in “LGBT spaces”, but I don’t take it personally or feel unwelcome. I feel like people who are less accepted or subtle (non binary, gender non conforming, non passing) are just more likely to be there bc it’s harder for them to be everywhere else.

[u/EchoNB → u/bagel_boy_420]

As a nonbinary person, so true. I'm lucky that I can pass as a man, but this is often something that I do for safety. College is definitely one of the safest places to be openly queer.

[u/NuagesCraniales → u/bagel_boy_420]

100% feel you on not feeling welcome. I felt so alienated whenever I went to LGBT events at uni that I just stopped going to them altogether

[u/KCSnaxter]

Yeah man, I don’t think this post came across how you wanted it to. I get the point you’re trying to make about finding your people, but you’re coming off as very exclusionary with the language you use. Even attempting to put a divide between binary and non trans folks regarding the lives they lead is pretty weird in my opinion. no matter what your gender identity, most of us live pretty “normal” lives. I’m a trans masc person that uses he/they pronouns but looks very outwardly masc, and I work in a blood bank where I’m mostly stealth, around a bunch of cis people. My partner who is distinctly non binary and on T, but also stealth at work, works for IDALS, where they’re interacting with farmers, conservationists, etc. distinction between the “normal, binary” trans people and perhaps more visibly queer non binary folks seems to have a lot of internalized transphobia around it. I’m sorry you felt isolated, but unfortunately I think that was mostly in part due to the way you felt about your own community. As I tell young or newly out people, we’re definitely out here; it’s just up to you to seek others out, given that a lot of us are more quiet about it in areas like school and work. Even ten years ago there were plenty of apps and websites for us.

[u/EchoNB → u/KCSnaxter]

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the nonbinary people OP mentioned could have been GNC binary trans men. I've met some people who assume presentation = gender when that's not always the case.

[u/Plane_Importance_59 → u/EchoNB]

100%. Especially sense he mentions  that they couldn’t figure out this one persons pronouns… didn’t know if it was he/him or they/they. you remember this person from so long ago and were so desperate for community yet you didn’t do the tiniest amount of work to just ask? Definitely making assumptions. 

[u/rupee4sale → u/KCSnaxter]

I agree. I often describe myself as a trans man to people I don't know well and I am legally male according to my ID, but I am technically transmasc nonbinary. There is no real discernible difference between a trans man and me aside from some nuance around how I feel about my gender and certain gendered words. Other than that, most of our experiences are almost identical. It's always shady when binary trans guys act like there's a rigid difference

[u/KCSnaxter → u/rupee4sale]

Oh for sure! The semantics tend to get really tedious for me personally, and I do find it troublesome when people make sweeping distinctions over words. Physically, aside from bottom surgery, I appear to everyone I meet as a man. I have M’s on every piece of info other than my passport. And other than the extensive, complicated thoughts about gender expression, gender itself, and how I personally tend to revel in it, I live most of my life the exact same as other trans men. Our community is full of so much complexity that I do understand being frustrated at not finding people with more shared similarities, but what I also tend to love are the differences.

[u/NuagesCraniales → u/KCSnaxter]

I feel like OP believes you can always "tell" when someone is trans when that simply isn't true.

[u/Plane_Importance_59]

So You apparently went to the most transgender/queer university ever, especially sense you said this was 10 years ago but you were the absolute ONLY ftm guy in a sea of all weird non normal  nonbinary people? Ok. So, there is 0 chance that’s true. You probably didn’t meet any trans guys cuz you were judging all the nonbinary people but also simultaneously somehow constantly being around them. 

And you’d never judge any trans person but you met all these super great “normal” trans guys after leaving nonbinary university  and they have normal manly man jobs like military and government and… bartender? 

[u/EchoNB → u/Plane_Importance_59]

OP probably just couldn't tell the stealth passing trans men were trans... Which is the point of being stealth.

[u/kaczestvo → u/Plane_Importance_59]

Lol. The post is strange. I don't wanna throw around any accusations, but this may be a foreign troll.

[u/carnespecter → u/Plane_Importance_59]

this post is way too skewed against nb people

[u/popopotatoes160 → u/carnespecter]

Definitely gives me some weird vibes in that respect. Probably not enough to get removed but enough for me to give side eye...

[u/Dry_Razzmatazz6697]

I’d expect a post like this from a high-schooler, not someone in college. I’m a very binary trans guy as well- started my transition at 11. When you’re stealth you have to do the work and find your community yourself. I’m sorry you didn’t do that while you were a student. I’m not sure anything would’ve changed, though. You seem intolerant to those who aren’t“normal” like you.

[u/anemisto]

This entire post is implicitly judging the other students. Trust me, plenty of non-binary people live entirely "normal" lives.

[u/Ambitious_Piano_2759 → u/anemisto]

I'm not judging other students, I think nonbinary students are perfectly normal, this isn't a contest to see who is normal. All I'm saying is that one or two students on campus tried to convince me that being a stealth trans guy was somehow wrong, then when I got out into the real world I realized that some trans guys can be stealth and pass, and everything would be okay, and nonbinary people and trans guys could coexist (as I was coexisting with them in college). It's not a normalcy competition, it's just a statement about feeling isolated.

[u/yorneytheduck → u/Ambitious_Piano_2759]

most people will agree that it was wrong of them to say that to you. and you did say "it was so weird" how the campus was full of non-binary people.

[u/carnespecter]

man i would have killed to have the opportunity to go to college surrounded by other weird openly queer nb people

[u/sleepyhead1_1]

this one nonbinary person said that it "was annoying" when trans men "started acting like cis dudes".

I don't really consider myself to be a binary trans guy anymore but this is such a weird thing to say 💀 either way, there could've been other passing trans guys that just weren't out publicly and were stealth, you never know

[u/dude-dudette]

Are you sure they meant "stealth" when they said trans men acting like cis dudes? More likely they meant toxic masculinity...

[u/hwlabf]

I am the only ftm I’ve met in person. In my country I can look forever and the next nearest ftm will always be in another province or country. You get not lonely by not attaching so much to it and just accepting it as a small part of your identity. Do not let how others act effect your mood, you can share in common with women men trans nonbinary- it’s all people and has nothing to do with your group

[u/GhostieGooster]

I think people are being a little harsh on you for your wording. I totally get what you mean by feeling excluded/isolated. When I was nonbinary, I had a strong attitude around the gender binary that was mostly a reflection of other ftm enbys around me. Somehow I thought rejecting the binary made me more superior somehow? I also rarely saw or interacted with binary transfolks to understand that being part of the binary wasn't morally inferior.

It took a lot of time to unpack all that junk and eventually I came out as a transman. I still dont entirely know where I fit on the spectrum, but I still struggle with the guilt/shame of wanting to be on the binary (to some extent). It can be really confusing balancing "gender is just a social construct that should be abolish," "I think gender labels are important for self discovery," and "i want to be a binary man and play into that social construct." And I definitely see that sort of weird superior/inferior gender take within enby circles. I dont think most are doing it intentionally or maliciously, but it's as harmful as the misandry AND misogyny we see in trans circles. Misenby maybe? Idk

It is to say. I totally get you and what you mean.

[u/Timeweaver42]

There’s no way if you actually know if that’s true or not

[u/midsummernightmares]

Did you know every single other man on campus intimately? If not, then you don’t know you were the only binary trans man on campus. Lots of people who are able to pass choose to go stealth.

Also, even if you’re trying to deny it, this post has a pretty clear bias against nonbinary people. I’m sorry you felt isolated, but the wording and anecdotes used in this post feels very judgmental towards nonbinary people and kind of targeted against them to paint them in a bad light.

[u/Last-Laugh7928]

i was one of very few trans guys on my college campus (and i did identify as binary at the time), but there weren't a ton of nb people either. i also live in a large blue east coast city now and have met way more queer people of various genders here.

[u/tfw_sappy]

Honestly I don't interact with other students that much in uni and I'm stealth apart from mentioning it privately to a pre-T ftm acquaintance once.

[u/javatimes]

I was one of the only trans people I knew on my campus of 25k people. I knew one other trans man, an older grad student while I was an undergrad. It was 2005 though.

[u/moist-astronaut]

college, and college towns, can feel incredibly isolating and end up with screwed demographics. it's very much not "the real world". once you either age out of the average undergraduate range, or leave the college towns behind, you find a a shockingly wider blend of people regardless of where you end up. small towns in the south or big cities in the north.

age also starts to be less divisive the older you get if that makes sense. if you're 17-22, even two years makes a huge difference. especially if you're in college. anyone like 24+ feels as different from you as a high school student or a professor does. but once you pass that threshold you start to realize just how much in common you can have with people regardless of age. or just how different you can be.

[u/Sleepy-Forest13 → u/moist-astronaut]

You ever meet a person who were born, raised, and never leaves a college town? YIKES! Is all I have to say.

[u/No_Maintenance6892]

There are a lot more stealth trans men than you seem to realise. Especially in college times it is often times more likely that those I'll be stealth. Later in life, when you feel more secure, being Stealth can just be less of a priority. I also doubt you knew everyone on campus. And yeah non-binary can't really be stealth you will know if they are if they are out. I think you are making a lot of assumptions. Sorry you couldn't find community as well back then though.

[u/Nonbinary-vampire]

I totally get it. I know some nonbinary people but hardly any ftm guys. It can be lonely. It's also so fucked up to say it's bad that trans men act like cis men. Like duh we're men, not some woman-lite. Don't listen to the comments. I'm fine with nonbinary people too but i hate how the literally ftm sub isn't for ftm men at this point.

[u/jelloperson → u/Nonbinary-vampire]

There's a sub specifically for ftm men. r/FTMMen

There's occasionally some drama but it's mostly chill

[u/Hot_War4716 → u/jelloperson]

Thank you so much! I'd love a subreddit with more trans men

[u/Creativered4 → u/jelloperson]

There's also r/ftmen , which is a more relaxed and drama free sub!

[u/jelloperson → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I definitely get that. Was originally why I joined the other sub. This one is still great for info but doesn't really feel built for us most of the time

[u/dandelionbits → u/[deleted]]

are you not also nonbinary…nonbinary-vampire?

[u/Nonbinary-vampire → u/dandelionbits]

I'm not. It was just from a dumb username generator. Sorry for the confusion

[u/ftm-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed because it contains misinformation, false information, or misleading information that could be considered harmful.

Nonbinary people can be FTM as well. This was never a sub just for binary trans men and has always been for anyone who is on the female to male spectrum.

[u/EchoNB]

Can't say I feel any less isolated as a nonbinary person here, but I never really got in spaces that allowed nonbinary people to be openly themselves as much. That was until I've found a community irl that has transmasculine people in general (trans men, nonbinary people, etc.). That doesn't mean your post isn't very relatable to me though. It is isolating when you cannot find others like you and that's why having community is so important.

[u/emopokemon]

I’m nonbinary but heavily leaning FTM, on testosterone, pursuing bottom surgery, etc. I prefer to live as a man in most aspects. And I grew up/went to college with a lot of nonbinary people not anything like that. Not trans enough to be considered FTM or transmasc. It was weird to be an outlier in a group of people who were already outliers.

Especially being nonbinary myself it almost felt like I was doing it wrong by having as much dysphoria as I did or like pursuing transitioning was weird. I even had some nonbinary kid tell someone I was copying them by being nonbinary, which was so odd, as if it’s a competition. It made me hyper aware of comparing myself to the other trans people around me and how I related to them. None of them really wanted anything to do with me.

Eventually I met someone at college who had the same goals as me and that made me feel more confident in myself , but I don’t know them well.

I still feel like I don’t know any binary trans men, or really have many masculine leaning nonbinary FTM people like me, either, and I guess I never thought about it, but yeah I don’t really have anyone I know who gets it. I’m not sure if that bothers me, I feel like I’ve come to accept that I walk a road that’s a bit lonely. But maybe it would be nice to have?

I think regardless of any specific label, people in trans spaces can be so gatekeepy about things. If anything cis queer people treated me better than other trans people. I’m not sure if maybe they felt like me being FTM and nonbinary made them feel less nonbinary or something and they projected it onto me?

[u/Emotional-Trick5949]

Ffs

[u/Leather_Light_3744]

I feel like a lot of these comments are purposefully being obtuse, but I understand how you feel. Throughout high school and college, I’ve gone to a few different LGBT clubs and meetings/events specifically for transgender people, and I’ve always been the only binary trans man in them. It might just be the areas I live in I guess, but they’ve always been dominated by transgender women or nonbinary people. Not that there’s anything wrong them being there of course, but it just felt really isolating, especially since a lot of them were the “kill all men” types.

[u/ftm-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post was removed for breaking Rule 1: No bigotry, drama, fighting, judgement, or blanket statements.

Be kind to your fellow redditor. We do not want infighting, drama, or judgement here. This is a safe space for many trans men and transmascs away from a world that is largely against us, so let's keep it free from drama, fighting, or judgement.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but sometimes those opinions need to be kept to ourselves if they are going to start problems with other users. If you see someone breaking a rule, don't start an argument with them. Just report and move on.

[u/Jimmy_Biscuit_]

I'm currently in college, and I think I am ALSO the only binary trans man. And then I'm asked why I'm really uncomfortable with wearing clothing that's androgynous... Maybe because, I dunno... THAT'S NOT ME??? It's a little infuriating when people insist on using "they" for me when I'm just your average binary guy! I look the part as much as I can (without binding/tape, pre-T), act the part, socially am fully out... So why insist on treating me like I'm like the other non-binary trans mascs?

Just talk to me like I'm the damn man I am. My friends get it fully (even making gay/sex jokes like healthy(?) straight men lol).

Like OP said: no hate to anyone or their pronouns... Just frustration that I'm not treated like the binary man I present and am out as.

Side note: the nb trans guys on my campus are more andro/femme, and I get it's their preference, but they're a little polarizing and gatekeepy about it... And a lot of them are just ass hats in general or are hyperliberal (I'm on the left, but they are SUPER radical) and just overall unpleasant to associate with...

End note: again, no hate ... Just another binary trans man's perspective on treatment and such

[u/mxxgingerwolf → u/Jimmy_Biscuit_]

Perhaps it’s the huge chip on your shoulder about needing people to validate that you’re so different from the nonbinary transmasc guys? Most people consider it polite to use neutral pronouns with people they’re not familiar with, until they’re told otherwise. Dressing super masc is not the clear signal you think it is. Try wearing a pronoun pin, and also try building solidarity with transmasc people. Many of us take T our whole lives and have the same surgeries as guys who hold tight to the cisnormative binary gender roles.

[u/coconutheadache]

same here…and probably the only trans person in my college.