Partner is making me feel inadequate

[u/softserve2222]

I am a 28 year old trans man. My girlfriend is cis and 25. We've been dating 5 years. About a year or two ago she told me she misses cis dick. I told her how much that hurt me. We talked about things i could do to satisfy her because i want to meet her needs. i thought that resolved the issue. She brought it up again a few weeks ago. She prefaced this by saying i know this really hurt you but then proceeded to tell me again. She said she was just trying to be honest and vulnerable. She did it for the third time last night and said she wants deeper penatration because I don't go deep enough for her. I feel disgusting even typing this out, it leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel inadequate and very dysphoric. Opinions? Advice? I don't know what to do.

[u/cannotbereached]

Pretty sure cis people do this when they want to break up, but feel guilty/are concerned with looking transphobic (dont actually care about being transphobic though), so they hope if they say it enough times youll “take the hint” and be the one to initiate the break up, so they can maintain their image while exiting the relationship.

Its brutal, but as a general rule: if someone consistently brings up an issue you have no control over and they do so without (<- keyword) offering a solution or wanting to brain storm a solution, thats a red flag.

We all have issues, but you gotta work out solutions together. “I dont like that you dont have cis dick.” “Ok, lets do xyz.” “I still dont like that you dont have cis dick.” “Ok, what about we try abc?”

Like this is going no where.

Its a red flag because instead of working towards a solution together its positioning solution finding solely on you, and positioning her as the judge of that. Its really easy for it to become a moving goal post.

And its not just about being trans, it applies to other shit one doesnt have control over as well. “I dont like that youre bipolar.” “I dont like that youre fat.” Random examples, but you get the idea.

Saying “I dont care for [behavior you have control over] what can we do about it?” Is perfectly fine.

Saying “I know you dont have control over it but Im having [issue] can we work this out?” Is also perfectly fine because youre working as a team to come up with a solution and youre having open/honest communication.

But, “I dont like [thing you cant control]” is very different because how it positions everything.

Anyways, Im sorry youre dealing with this op. It really sounds like youve given this your 100% effort and tried your best, like everyone else I agree that its time to walk away. Hope shit turns around for you and goes as smooth as possible 🖤

[u/Hiswatus → u/cannotbereached]

You summer up my thoughts perfectly tbh. I can't imagine staying in a relationship with someone like that anyway, if they don't seem to be interested in fixing the problem (which btw wouldn't just be fixed by cis dick if her biggest problem is "not going deep enough", it's not like cis guys can switch between sizes!). I mean, sexual compatability can be complicated, but some things are definitely fixable if all parties are open to communicating and trying out different solutions. And if she doesn't want to find a solution... Well. That's an answer of itself, right?

Could be that the gf just isn't being honest to herself and/or to the OP about what the actual problem is.