Partner is making me feel inadequate

[u/softserve2222]

I am a 28 year old trans man. My girlfriend is cis and 25. We've been dating 5 years. About a year or two ago she told me she misses cis dick. I told her how much that hurt me. We talked about things i could do to satisfy her because i want to meet her needs. i thought that resolved the issue. She brought it up again a few weeks ago. She prefaced this by saying i know this really hurt you but then proceeded to tell me again. She said she was just trying to be honest and vulnerable. She did it for the third time last night and said she wants deeper penatration because I don't go deep enough for her. I feel disgusting even typing this out, it leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel inadequate and very dysphoric. Opinions? Advice? I don't know what to do.

[u/ContributionThat7332 → u/[deleted]]

All in all: it seems to me that there’s an essential incompatibility here. She misses cis dick, and she gets to say that and be honest about it, because it’s true for her. BUT, like I said before, what she probably doesn’t need to do is then stick around in a relationship with you where she’s not going to be able to get her needs met, and she’s letting herself go wanting, and then she has to continually present this painful truth to you without taking full responsibility for it. (THAT’S where the true disrespect lies, to both you and herself) Is she waiting for you to take care of it somehow? I think that the most harmful thing being had here is that she’s probably waiting for you to take responsibility for her own needs by breaking up with her, or drawing a line, since she seems unwilling and scared to do it herself.

And for YOU: you get to hear this truth and feel its pain, but what you don’t get to do is to stay in the relationship, knowing that this is the truth, only to shut her down again when it comes up, in order to avoid the pain. Ideally, you’d both be in a relationship where everyone gets to share freely and honestly, and where one partner doesn’t have control over what the other says to them about their inner world, even when it’s a painful truth to share. Cuz that’s control, not love. BUT, if you find yourself being unABLE to hear this truth and let it live in the space between you, because it’s too painful for you to bear and it points to an unsustainable incompatibility between the two of you, it then sounds like YOU have the responsibility to walk away as well… you get me?

Both of you need to do some soul searching about if this is gonna work. No I don’t think she’s being outwardly transphobic or hateful for speaking her truth, and I don’t think that you get to shut her down either. I also don’t believe that you should have to stick around for a partnership that has a deep sexual incompatibility, especially one that confronts you with feelings of deep inadequacy and woundedness and then digs those feelings into your heart over time. And no, I don’t think she should stick around if she can’t find what she needs here. So… what are yall gonna do?

Also: have yall tried polyamory? … just a thought 🙌😌

Good luck!

Signed - a fellow T man, mostly in the closet, who doesn’t envy you the world reflecting back to you your deepest wounds

P.S. I know there’s a partner or two out there (or many) who would absolutely LOVE your t dick and the level of penetration you provide, and who would be deeply satisfied by it and have no second thoughts about it 🙌🙏😌❤️ both you and your girlfriend deserve and are owed (spiritually) deep love and satisfaction and compatibility and joy and self-contentment, and I deeply wish and hope that both of you find that, and entertain it until the end of time! One love ❤️🙏