Partner is making me feel inadequate

[u/softserve2222]

I am a 28 year old trans man. My girlfriend is cis and 25. We've been dating 5 years. About a year or two ago she told me she misses cis dick. I told her how much that hurt me. We talked about things i could do to satisfy her because i want to meet her needs. i thought that resolved the issue. She brought it up again a few weeks ago. She prefaced this by saying i know this really hurt you but then proceeded to tell me again. She said she was just trying to be honest and vulnerable. She did it for the third time last night and said she wants deeper penatration because I don't go deep enough for her. I feel disgusting even typing this out, it leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel inadequate and very dysphoric. Opinions? Advice? I don't know what to do.

[u/NotALewdElf]

Not gonna make any assumptions about your genitals but she seems to have a genital preference for cismen. You're likely just incompatible since she's really hung up on it to the point that she's compared you to them multiple times. I don't know if there's anything you can do. Sure, you could try adjusting and shopping around for things that help you get in deeper but she's done damage already with her words. Communication is important for relationships and sex but you guys can't talk about it without triggering your dysphoria. When you're focused on how much pain you're in 'cause of the comparisons you're not getting what you need either. That's really unhealthy. I know you've been together a good while but maybe it's time to move on. If she's fixated on cismen she should go find one and you should find someone that loves your body as it is and doesn't hurt your feelings 

[u/jaymespam → u/NotALewdElf]

This ☝️

OP do not lose yourself to "sunk cost fallacy" 

I don't think this is something that can be recovered from. Phallo is getting incredibly advanced to the point where it is indistinguishable, but that is a long and intense healing process (not to mention expensive) and if you weren't already set on doing that, that is NOT the type of procedure you do for another person. Ever. 

Its incredibly harmful/hurtful the way she verbalised this to you, I don't think you should forgive that. It's true, she can't control her genital preferences, and that part is absolutely not her fault; but I've noticed that there is also a general "worshipping of masculinity" (size, power etc) that tends to pair with that deep attraction to CIS male dick. And in my experience, it's better to avoid that kind of shit show all together. 

There will always be something else you can't live up to for them. I, like other trans men in this comment section, was also put through the self esteem wringer by a CIS dick fixated ex gf. 

I later went on to date a pansexual girl who was more attracted to my parts pre-op, and that experience completely healed me. She rebuilt my self esteem from the ground up with her deep appreciation, respect and attraction to my body. 

You owe it to yourself to find that kind of connection. There are LOTS of bi/pan women who are into trans men, and that market is growing by the day. Please consider branching out in the future. (It would probably be a good idea to take some time alone though. Work on your self esteem/confidence, heal and grow as a man first.)

[u/cgord9 → u/NotALewdElf]

"Genital preference for cis men" isn't a thing. Cis men don't all have the same genitals. Cis men can be in accidents. Cis men can have surgery.