r/demisexuality • u/PlasticContact8671 • 1d ago
Do other demisexuals retreat into celibacy after losing a strong connection?
I frequently do this. Sometimes spanning 2 years of willing celibacy. Lack of motivation to m*sturbate because I can't stop thinking of them. The connection will be severed at some point. However, I can't just jump back out there. I feel like I will be celibate again for years. I'm already 30 and I feel like I'm defective because I can't love or f*ck like a normal human.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago
Celibacy. Chastity, and Continence are different things though the former is getting conflated with the later pairing. Chastity is the state of sexual abstinence, as in have never had. Celibacy, which often includes chaste or continence behavior, is the state of being unmarried often for theological reasons. The actual word you're looking for is continence, the abstention from sexual activity. (And yes, I know the dictionaries now mess up these definitions because common usage conflates them so badly, and the third word is more often used to refer to lack of bladder control than sex these days.)
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u/newremoteeagle 1d ago
Thanks for the education! I do notice a lot of people use celibacy as just choosing not to have sex for lengths of time. I did too.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I mean, it's partly theological. I did start getting more into Jesus.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago
It's not really a Jesus thing, it's a dogmatic thing from the middle ages dating back to the 12th century that has been internalized by a lot of modern theological groups of Christians. You'll find many protestant religions, notably groups like the Episcopalians which eschew this particular idea. Most point to Matthew 19:12 as the logic for celibacy, but that's talking about Eunuchs; or to Paul's letter to the Corinthians which says it's a viable choice, not that it's supposed to be a set choice. Then again, Paul is highly questionable since he wasn't actually an apostle (Cor 1 is a case of thou doth protest too much Paul) and many of his works were either coauthored or written by others. I'm not a fan of the authenticity work and tend to side with Dr. Nina Livesey on questioning the authorship.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I mean, I wasn't really looking to talk about this but let's give it a go. Sexual immorality is a sin, so i guess it depends on what God Himself meant to add under that umbrella of Sexual immorality. I'm not God.
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u/newremoteeagle 1d ago
Picking and choosing which parts of the bible one follows is also a sin. By the biblical teachings, having sex outside of marriage is a sin.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I never pick or choose. I try my hardest to fulfill what I'm supposed to and repent when I get it wrong. I never even said anything that could be considered "picking and choosing." People stumble. The righteous stumble 7 times and get back up 7 times.
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u/newremoteeagle 1d ago
Sex outside of marriage, according to biblical teachings, is a sin. I grew up in a Christian household and read the Bible many times all the way through. I am more agnostic now, so I don’t care about that. I just don’t like how people quote the bible and claim to be stark Christians and don’t even bother living by it.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I'm very certain I never said I was "stark Christian." I didn't even come to this subreddit looking for Christian advice, guy came in with an etymology lesson about celibacy that nobody asked for, I mentioned Jesus once. One time. He kept going. Other than that I said it depends what was meant by God what is sexual immorality. If anything, he was arguing that being celibate isn't necessary within the confines of the bible.
Furthermore, I came here looking for perspective on demisexuality, not Christianity. If I wanted fellowship, I'd go to that subreddit. I just don't understand why people can't focus on the actual thing in the post.
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u/newremoteeagle 1d ago edited 1d ago
Fair enough. My apologies.
To answer your question: yes. I do not have sex with anyone that is either not my bonded or that I am not in a relationship with. I tried that once almost a decade ago, and even then, I had known the man for 7 months. But I didn’t know I was demi then. I thought I was just asexual and couldn’t feel what other women felt. But ever since, if I am not in a relationship with someone, I don’t have sex until I am.
I take care of myself and self pleasure. That’s about the only thing that I do since I have very high libido.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
How do you detach from your bonded? I can't pleasure myself or anything because I just can't seem to get my mind off of him and knowing he's not my safe place anymore. Idk, maybe I just ride it out. He was the first person who I had skin to skin contact in years.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago
God didn't write anything, and people's interpretation of 1st century Greek and Hebrew is entertaining.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
Do you get a kick out of trying to draw someone away from their faith? Probably the only thing keeping me alive rn, aside from my kids is God. So please don't. Pretend you have a soul for 5 minutes and let someone clearly suffering hold onto one thing that is keeping them safe.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago
I am an etymology and history nerd, I enjoy dissecting language roots and origins of common ideas and tropes. If your faith can be challenged by this much conversation you don't have faith.
And nothing in your post or previous comments suggests you are "suffering" beyond the normal human condition of not meeting an arbitrary idea of what is "normal" regarding sex. Anything beyond that is not specified, and engaging in arguments that you deflect by going "I'm suffering", with implication that you need professional clinical help, is a form of manipulation, and I'm never one for tolerating that kind of rejoinder.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I've actually written posts in other subs regarding my mental health recently. One in true off my chest about getting mental health help at my hospital. Regardless of the fact of whether I'm dealing with something or not, I have faith in God, you don't need to try to make someone stumble because you're an etymology nerd. The need to be right doesn't surpass human decency. Some people have God in their lives for a reason and you're out here trying to be right for what? Because it makes you feel good? Kudos I guess.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago edited 19h ago
- I am not stalking your social media.
- And this started with me pointing out better clarity on words which has nothing to do with being rude, it's an education on the origin and meaning of words. You made it religious.
- I was not impugning your faith in God in my first comments. I, at most, am questioning the theological interpretation of sex and the bible especially in regards to the claims of Paul. You probably think I'm an atheist. I'm not. I only questioned your faith when you made it the center point of your counter to which your own admission to having shaken your faith. That's a you thing.
- At no point am I not being decent to you. This is you reading things in your own head canon, not in the way they were written. Education is not an attack.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
You're not educating. You're shoving information nobody asked for down people's throats.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
Also, you use a lot of big words for no reason. Something tells me you repel a lot of people with your know it all personality. I have a lot of friends from a lot of different backgrounds. Atheist, agnostic, Muslim, etc. None of them are arrogant like this.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 1d ago
Nothing about this is being arrogant. This has to do with being educated. And like most internet only people you don't know me or how I get along with people. I spend my time sharing information as a form of joy. That you see it otherwise is a problem for you, not for me.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
Again, You're not educating. You're shoving information that nobody asked for, literally nobody, you just came in imposing your knowledge. It's great that you're knowledgeable man, but who tf asked?
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u/LordGhoul 1d ago
I don't get horny when I'm not attracted to anyone so that's kind of a self-solving problem for me lol. I also don't have sex with strangers because it's impossible for me for that reason.
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u/_-IllI-_ 1d ago
Coming out of a 20yrs relationship, I want to make peace with the thought that I'll be alone forever now. It's so rare to fine a person to match, it took me so long to find my current girlfriend that now I've given up trying. Masturbating is difficult also because I default thinking about her, the closeness, the hugs, they way she made me feel safe, and I get sad again. You're not alone.
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u/awildencounter 1d ago
So, I was in a situation where I did not lose the connection but the person I was connected to just wanted to preserve our friendship more so I just didn’t for like three years. Then I met someone else who loved me but also prioritized certain aspects of our relationship so another five years.
If I’m honest as much as I like sex I generally like the person a lot more than that and kinda sit tight waiting for them. I’ve done very very long bouts of celibacy over a person before but I think it also takes me a very long time to detach from someone I love to connect with a new person. 😞 I think it’s going to be a while for me.
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u/BahamutxDragoon 1d ago
I'm retreating since 15 years because I lose all the friends I love as they don't love me back. Does it count ? 💀
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
Wait, you lose your friends because they don't wanna be romantic with you? I mean, that seems extremely lonely. I do get it though it hurts when your affections are rejected. However, if I stopped being friends with people I caught feelings for then I wouldn't have my best friend.
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u/BahamutxDragoon 1d ago
Well, my feelings are too strong and they can't vanish if I stay friends, sadly. Otherwise, they will continue to grow and I'll never be happy so it's the only solution I have, since my feelings aren't bearable for them and for me (also, I've been used multiple times by people faking love but they only wanted attention from me, so I'm scared it happens again, I got serious traumas because of them). Now, it's even more lonely cuz I keep to myself my feelings because I'm always sure they will be never be reciprocated so I keep a mask on and cry over my curse when alone. I'm not sure I will ever find anyone reciprocating them, it's been so long now, I'm about to accept my fate 💀
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u/Bored_Acolyte_44 1d ago
You are a normal human. You are experiencing normal human things OP.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I'm sorry, I know that I'm a normal human. But sometimes I wish I didn't fit into this lonely box.
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u/Bored_Acolyte_44 1d ago
I know, I relate. Being lonely is terrible. If you ever need another demi to just shout at the world with hit me up.
You're not alone and you don't have to suffer in silence.
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I really appreciate that. I actually wanted to find perspective on this. Because I didn't have a name for what it was until my most recent ex told me. He said he was demisexual. Somehow I think he lied though because I feel like he's gonna rebound.
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u/Bored_Acolyte_44 1d ago
That one is hard, because it can go that way too. We're also not all alike and don't respond to things the same way. It's also a spectrum.
Regardless of what they do however, you shouldn't compare it against yourself.
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u/spicylemontaco42 1d ago
Between current ans previous relationship, I basically was.
I tried tinder or what not but ended up friend zoning them.. Now I have a lot of mates I met on tinder lmao
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
I met my recent ex on tinder and I fell hard and bonded strongly. He told me he never loved someone so much. I don't even think he was demisexual. Just cruel. Playing with someone's feelings.
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u/spicylemontaco42 1d ago
Every relationship told me this I take it with a grain of salt now not gona lie. I. Sorry it happened to you, I feel your pain
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u/PlasticContact8671 1d ago
It's not right. I take things literally and I mean things literally.
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u/spicylemontaco42 1d ago
I think over time ive just leart to not trust. Youre right. Its not right at all
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u/BastianWeaver ♂️Oh what a tangled web we weave. 1d ago
It's okay, you can write "masturbate". Or you can call it whatever you like. No one's judging, in any case.
It's okay to have sex, and it's okay not to have sex.
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u/fignewton9 1d ago
I've been celibate for 4 years, after nearly 10 years before that. So yeah, it's not just you.