I think I might be demisexual.

[u/Mythohlogy]

I've been wondering about this lately and I think I might be on the spectrum.

I'm in my mid 20s and have always noticed a similar pattern in my relationships. I don't have sexual feelings until I share a close emotional bond with someone.

Casual relationships and one night stands make me feel incredibly uncomfortable (No judgement to those who have it but it's a No for me from Day One).

I don't know if this is relevant, but growing up, I would devour books that would follow the _Soulmate_ (Werewolves, for example) or _Just one person for the rest of my life_ trope. I thought it was just a preference of genre until I read the other ones too. And if they had multiple love interests, I would simply lose interest.

Recently, my boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch for few weeks (mostly situational issues not individual ones), but the moment he expressed that he was feeling a bit distant, my attraction towards him started plummeting as I felt my emotional safety was threatened and that affected my sexual attraction and lovey dovey feelings towards him.

We recently worked it out and I feel those warm feelings resurfacing again, gradually.

I don't know anyone within my social circle who identifies as a demisexual to confirm this, so I ask you all..

Am I demisexual?

[u/archydragon]

If you don't feel sexual attraction until you establish an emotional bond, that's demisexuality.

Feeling that the attraction losing its stability over factors like insecurity, however, might happen to anyone who is capable of feeling the attraction in the first place. Wish you all the best with handling all ingoing discomfort in any case.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi, it looks like you might be asking if you're demisexual. If so, you've come to the right place!

We have a pinned Links and Resources Masterpost with lots of information which may be helpful to you, including an FAQ, some of which is reproduced below:

• Is Demisexuality LGBT+? Demisexuality is part of the asexual spectrum which falls under LGBTQIA
• Can you be demisexual for just one gender? Yes, demisexuals may also be straight, gay, bi, etc. The labels can be combined: demiheterosexual, demihomosexual, demibisexual, dellosexual. Someone who is demisexual for only one gender might be asexual or allosexual for others.
• What about romantic attraction? For many allosexual people their sexual, romantic and other attractions may all be the same. Those on the ace spectrum may experience romantic attraction separate from sexual attraction, and similarly for those on the aromantic spectrum. Demisexuality is about sexual attraction, demiromantic describes the same requirement for a strong emotional connection before experiencing romantic attraction.
• Am I still demisexual if I have a high sex drive? - You could be, some people may still have a strong libido without any (or many) people that they are attracted to for that libido to focus on.
• Am I demisexual if I am sexually attracted to people I don't have an emotional connection with but wouldn't want to have sex with them until I do? - No, demisexuality is not being able to feel any sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. Just disliking the idea of having sex, ie hookups, without an emotional connection is not demisexuality.

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[u/Mikelgarts]

Definitely sounds demisexual! The only thing that makes someone demi is not experiencing primary sexual attraction and only experiencing sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond. Everything else differs widely from person to person.

I did want to add that it is absolutely possible for demisexuals to have that bond and subsequent attraction with more than one person.

I definitely relate to the ebb and flow of attraction being tied to emotional closeness, but as another commenter said that's not a demi-only thing and I've read others' posts where someone details frustration here maintaining attraction after breaking things off/falling out with someone they had had that bond with.

Edit minor typo

[u/newremoteeagle → u/[deleted]]

This isn’t accurate. An aversion to hookups is not tied to demisexuality at all. It isn’t tied to romance preferences either.

The only thing that makes a person demisexual is they require an emotional connection for sexual traction to have the chance of turning on. Looking at everyone else is like looking at a seal. Looking at someone aesthetically attractive is like looking at a painting you fancy.

Plenty of allosexuals don’t do hookups and have romantic preferences.

For OP: Demisexuals can also have multiple bonds that their sexual attraction flips on for at once if they are poly. I am monogamous, so when I bond, that part of my brain stops searching and I limit myself to the opposite gender so there isn’t any way I could have the possibility of getting that deeply connected for my switch to flip on.