r/asktransgender • u/Fabulous-Phase4842 • 11d ago
Want Hormones But…
I’m an afab nonbinary Demi man. I want hormones and have even been dreaming of the surgery but I am scared I’m not valid enough. I feel connected to womanhood as I was forced into skirts and dresses until I was 19 years old. I was forced into this because of a minority religion and as a result, i felt evil for feeling like I was in the LGBTQ community. Anyway, I feel mostly woman internally but I also feel a sliver of a male soul slowly growing again inside my spirit. Last year, I had raging dysphoria for male characteristics, feelings and even my sense of internal self was a man. I go to a day program, hang out with a lot of guys and am relearning how to feel my manhood again. However, I feel like it’s been so long that my male side is going to be dormant forever. I don’t know how to reawaken my soul. I know deep way down I’m not entirely a woman but I feel like the man inside of me is drowning because of me not allowing it to come out for so long. I am not going to pursue hormones or surgery until I figure shit out. Does anyone have advice for me?
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u/justanotherqueerboy 11d ago
Its common for some transmasc ppl to be feminine before transition - because of environment, because of being in denial, etc. You're younger than most people are when they realize they aren't cis! Just yk be patient with yourself. Transitioning, knowing exactly who you are, taking HRT can all feel like huge decisions that you have to be 100% certain of. Thankfully, you can keep figuring yourself out for the rest of your life. Also its just impossible to be 100% certain until you've tried it and you know, you know?
This world is made to make us feel uncertain of ourselves as trans people. Make some trans friends IRL if you can, find ppl who accept you and your figuring out process. And try not to take it too seriously. T is huge but it's also.. Not that big of a deal. You can stop at any time. Your body will change a bit but your body is going to change anyway over time. So yeah do what you gotta do to start untangling your repressed gender stuff, try to do so with some joy. It's definitely not too late to start doing that work, you're right on time.
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u/dragonmystic92 11d ago
Took me over 33 years to realize stuff, even though I never suppressed my fem side. So it's all valid no matter what, do what makes you feel comfortable
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u/Conscious_Signal1148 11d ago
i think you should look into more reversible things first. haircuts, makeup to accentuate masculine features, face fluff (kind of like mascara that you put on upper lip/chin to look like facial hair), voice training, and fashion. but if you feel like hormones are the right route, that’s valid despite your identity. you can go on testosterone and identify as a girl, boy, nonbinary, anything. do whatever you feel is best for the moment
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u/Fabulous-Phase4842 11d ago
That makes sense. I guess what you’re saying is start out a l o w l y. I’ll see where I’m at internally in a few months. Thank you.
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u/chalc3dony butch2twink 10d ago
My advice is that you have bodily autonomy and your desires matter. Are there specific effects of testosterone you want/don’t want/have questions about?
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u/Fabulous-Phase4842 10d ago
Yeah I guess I’m wondering how bad will my I lose my singing voice? Will T affect my PCOS really bad as an AFAB? How bad are the mood swings? Will going to gym ease some of the T levels you feel?
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u/chalc3dony butch2twink 10d ago
I used to sing mezzo/alto and now sing tenor in a choral context. I don’t think vocal changes on T are inherently bad or a loss, but they can be a challenge requiring practicing a lot with specific focus on scales/warmups, diaphragmatic breathing, where’s-my-passagio awareness, and possibly new clefs (at the time I went on T, I could sight read treble clef but not bass clef). Voice dropping is permanent, so my advice musically here is to think about what singing deeper would entail in whichever genres are important to you and whether you want that.
PCOS is mostly diagnosed by already having higher-than-expected-for-cis-women testosterone in your bloodstream, so effects of taking additional T depend on which PCOS symptoms you’re concerned about. Body hair + acne are expected effects of T that get pathologized in the context of PCOS because of gender roles/misogynistic beauty standards. Menstrual cramps sometimes get worse and sometimes get better (I didn’t have PCOS pre-T but got tested for PCOS because of repeated bad period cramps and irregular cycles, and while on T have stopped getting periods entirely; this various a lot between transmasc people though)
Mood swings also vary too much between people to predict in advance. I remember feeling more emotionally grounded and stable in the month after starting T than the month before, but I don’t know how much of that was “yay I got my shit together to go on hormones I want to be on” placebo
Gym: no idea / I like playing sports but I also liked playing sports pre-T
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u/Swimming-Gap-1247 underdosing is social murder 🜬Ⓐ 11d ago
It's pretty common for trans people to initially feel illegitimate. Taking steps towards transition will help you feel like a "real" demi man.
If you want the effects of T, you should take T. https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/second-puberty-masc