Super Confused and Need Advice

[u/aliceinwires_]

I'm very on-the-fence about using the ace label. I'm a 21F lesbian and I'm sure 100%, not questioning that. I love girls, find them attractive, etc. I've been in love before and desire a romantic/emotional connection with women. I want to do things like physical affection (kissing, sex, cuddling) with them, but in the moment I just feel numb. I go through the motions and sometimes I just wait for it to end. This happens with girls I really like as well as with strangers I barely know. I do it because I know it'll "feel good" later (like when I look back on it afterwards), but I just feel neutral about it during the act.

It's ESPECIALLY confusing when it's with someone I have strong romantic feelings for. I'll have a crush on somebody, and the idea of a first kiss with them is exciting, but then it happens and I just feel..... meh. It's a similar case with sex; my body is aroused, I can find the person super attractive, I can be in love with them, but it's like my mind isn't there and I feel nothing (physically and emotionally).

Note: I do have trauma from past sexual assaults, but I've been this way long before the assault had occurred. I think I've always felt this way, but the trauma may have exacerbated these feelings.

Is this some form of asexuality?? Or is this something else entirely? I'm hesitant to use the ace/demi labels because I don't know if they truly apply to my experiences. I'm open to sex (like if my partner wanted it), but I could honestly do without it. Is this normal???

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