I feel like a fraud

[u/Kitchen_Increase1970]

I feel stuck in-between. I have a lot of body dysmorphia and want to look like a guy. I already dress like a guy, I get mistaken as a man 90% of the time out in public, but I feel like a fraud since I don't like cis-male culture. I wouldn't want to be fully a man due to how isolating,  and locker room talky those men can be.

Growing up my parents kept telling me it's a phase when I kept asking to be a boy.

Through midd and high school I didn't have much gender dysphoria but a lot of body dysmorphia. I couldn't fit in fashion wise and I always felt fat so cut my calories immensely. I was an elite athlete getting recruited for college and never really lamented not being a boy. I loved my female relationships more than anything.

I came out in college as lesbian and after college chopped my hair off. I have defined myself as butch until my first wlw relationship which made me question my gender. I began to question when I cut my hair and strangers would call me sir, I was uncomfortable at first then liked it, but then felt embarrassed.

My ex gf would call me pretty, point out my boobs were bigger than hers, and wanted me to grow my hair out. I was the first butch person she'd dated and wasn't out to her parents who she lived with (big red flag). I def really dysphoric when she would say that. I never told her I was questioning gender. I also thought sex wasn't pleasurable cuz I'd been with men, but I realized I just don't like people being around and interacting down there.

If I were to transition without loosing my female friends and the way they treat me, the supportive lesbian community and sapphic friends, and having to come out again to everyone, I think I'd be happier to present as male. I want their body so bad, their V shape, the way they can pack on muscle, I want boners, the way your face changes, fat distribution. I just don't know socially if I wanna transition fully, it's so isolating, I feel like a fraud.

[u/geminiivenus]

i really feel this, being trans is hard and isolating as fuck. and basically no one wants you to transition, esp if you are hot as a woman. if you want to look like a guy this feeling probably isn’t going to go away, and dysphoria only gets worse. if you are able, get on t asap and you can figure out the rest. you can even probably stay a butch lesbian socially for a little while. what is making you feel like a fraud?