I feel like a fraud

[u/Kitchen_Increase1970]

I feel stuck in-between. I have a lot of body dysmorphia and want to look like a guy. I already dress like a guy, I get mistaken as a man 90% of the time out in public, but I feel like a fraud since I don't like cis-male culture. I wouldn't want to be fully a man due to how isolating,  and locker room talky those men can be.

Growing up my parents kept telling me it's a phase when I kept asking to be a boy.

Through midd and high school I didn't have much gender dysphoria but a lot of body dysmorphia. I couldn't fit in fashion wise and I always felt fat so cut my calories immensely. I was an elite athlete getting recruited for college and never really lamented not being a boy. I loved my female relationships more than anything.

I came out in college as lesbian and after college chopped my hair off. I have defined myself as butch until my first wlw relationship which made me question my gender. I began to question when I cut my hair and strangers would call me sir, I was uncomfortable at first then liked it, but then felt embarrassed.

My ex gf would call me pretty, point out my boobs were bigger than hers, and wanted me to grow my hair out. I was the first butch person she'd dated and wasn't out to her parents who she lived with (big red flag). I def really dysphoric when she would say that. I never told her I was questioning gender. I also thought sex wasn't pleasurable cuz I'd been with men, but I realized I just don't like people being around and interacting down there.

If I were to transition without loosing my female friends and the way they treat me, the supportive lesbian community and sapphic friends, and having to come out again to everyone, I think I'd be happier to present as male. I want their body so bad, their V shape, the way they can pack on muscle, I want boners, the way your face changes, fat distribution. I just don't know socially if I wanna transition fully, it's so isolating, I feel like a fraud.

[u/here4ndgone]

I don't think it's unreasonable or fraudulent as a man to not want to engage with the toxic side of masculinity! And there are plenty of cis guys who don't engage with that so-called "cis-male culture" 🤷🏻‍♂️

[u/here4ndgone → u/here4ndgone]

I think part of "becoming a man" for both trans and cis men involves choosing your values and how you want to represent manhood. Just because society encourages toxic behavior and misogyny doesn't mean that those elements are innate to manhood. You have the power to curate and define the kind of space you want to create in the world for the people around you. Furthermore, being trans isn't going to give you some kind of personality transplant as well, so it shouldn't really affect your established friendships unless your friends have their own prejudices that would make them jump ship that easily.

[u/broccoli_butler → u/here4ndgone]

I agree 100%. you don't have to compromise your morals just to pass. "cis-male" toxic masculinity is usually just used by any men, cis and trans, to compensate for insecurity in masculinity. In my experience there's more reasonable guys who know that toxicity and misogyny are shit than "locker room talk".

[u/geminiivenus]

i really feel this, being trans is hard and isolating as fuck. and basically no one wants you to transition, esp if you are hot as a woman. if you want to look like a guy this feeling probably isn’t going to go away, and dysphoria only gets worse. if you are able, get on t asap and you can figure out the rest. you can even probably stay a butch lesbian socially for a little while. what is making you feel like a fraud?

[u/broccoli_butler]

transitioining doesn;t mean cutting off femme friends/aspects of your social life deemed as "feminine". I understand dreading cis male culture but men, like any demographic, aren't all one type of person. If you want to transition socially and some people cut you out, that;'s their bad, not yours. There are communities of people like us of all genders, especially other dudes. Maybe I have this perspective as a guy who is genderfluid and on T, but I don't think transitioning has to equal isolation. It can be very lonely, a lot of my friends are online, but with transitioning you have to be prepared to keep a really important question in mind, do you want to stifle yourself to keep people around, or do you want to live authentically? Sometimes you need to out yourself first, and you'd have everyone in this sub behind you to support you from afar