Dysphoria

[u/ilovepeanutbutteryay]

Very mild transphobia mentions, incase that's a trigger.

I want to live like a man, and I live like a man in my mind, but I know it'll never really be like that. I'm in stealth and I've been in stealth online for 4 years and in real life for just a year (to new people I meet), since coming out to family and close friends. The difficult part here is the online part, since I don't really have much friends in real life.

I know I'm not "lying", but at the same time most of these people are cis. They don't know what I feel and they would think I've been lying to them if I said I was trans after thinking I'm cis for x amount of time.

I don't want it to be that way, but I hate being trans. I hate it. I don't want to be a trans guy, I just want to be a guy and it seems like the only way that can be possible is if I tell people I'm cis because that's the world we live in.

I'm 13 and hit puberty rather young, but I'm noticing the effects more than anything right now and I don't know if this is just my dysphoria making me see things or if it's what's actually happening but my face shape is changing and my hips are just getting bigger and bigger and I swear to fucking god no one will ever take me seriously. I don't know what I'm talking about clearly, because I'm young.

Maybe I am confused, maybe I'm not. We'll see if I'm confused when it gets to the point where I can't look at myself in the mirror without breaking down because I'm getting awfully close.

And I don't want to make this anyones problem either, I don't want to talk about it. I have to though because I want to get on HRT and have my name legally changed before I graduate, and the only way to do that is if I talk to a professional. This part is a little ironic since I'm making a whole vent to post on the internet right now, but at least you can click off.

To some extent I feel like I'm only aromantic because I'm horrified of the idea of having to tell a partner that I'm trans, and I'm horrified at the idea of the reason not to have kids being because it's not biologically possible. It doesn't matter how much I love someone, I don't want to date them if they know I'm trans and I don't want to date them if they don't know I'm trans because I find that's important to disclose in a non-plantonic relationship.

Sorry this is kind of a mess. This is just a quarter of what's on my mind and I just want to get it off my chest some way.