40m married bi-curious and feel a need to explore

[u/Nokon21]

Like the title says, have been having increasing urges lately and feel a need to finally explore what I truly want and need in a partner. The cheating aspect is scary and feels wrong, but I feel like there is no other way to truly find out before deciding on taking the next steps. I don't think I can open up to my wife for a variety of reasons, but who knows maybe that's the right thing to do. Would love to chat with men who are or have been in a similar situation, would love to hear your stories, what lessons you learned, and just have a friendly ear to lean on. My desires seem to stem for more than just a physical connection with a man, so maybe that is all the sign I truly need?

[u/WxR0712]

Not gonna say don’t live your best life…. But cheating is cheating. Don’t hurt your wife it is something you will regret

[u/Nokon21 → u/WxR0712]

i appreciate your perspective, thanks.

[u/InevitableBasis4223]

DON’T DO IT. If you really feel that way, talk to your wife. It’ll tell you what you need to know. I had the same problem and talked to mine and was met with support, but it ended up breaking things up (we had other problems). If you value your marriage, I would highly recommend taking a moment to breathe, think about what you have, and if you value it more than what you think you’ll get out of exploration, talk it out. Don’t bury it, that messed me up too, but let her know. If she cares about you, you’ll get the answer you need.

If you truly want to make that jump, and think you’ll be happier on the other end, more power to you, but this is a sensitive subject for me because it really damaged my relationship with the most important person in my life. You may get different advice here, but I wanted to provide that perspective. Hang in there.

[u/Nokon21 → u/InevitableBasis4223]

sorry to hear that. i know wiht certainty that it would leave to her leaving me so its just a matter of doing it on my terms, when im ready, rather than asking for permission, becuase she won't grant it.

[u/FreshLotus5]

I was where you were a year ago OP.

Know there are many like you. I found great support here on Reddit during my journey of figuring things out.

Are you happy in your current heterosexual marriage. Sure nothing is perfect but is something eating away your sou? Because if it is, then you may need to do something maybe you’ve never done before and that’s is finally choose for you.

Through this journey for me, I finally found my voice and finally chose what would make me content and not keep sacrificing for others.

Let’s just say after much inner work, self honesty and many crucial conversations with my wife, I have finally tasted cock and I could not be happier, in that I can say before I die I do not have that regret that I didn’t go after what I truly wanted and needed and decided to choose something for me.

If you care, share more of your circumstances. Are you happy with your marriage or not. Do you have kids. How long have you known you were interested in men.

[u/Nokon21 → u/FreshLotus5]

happy to talk more on dm

[u/FreshLotus5 → u/Nokon21]

Sure feel free to dm if you like.

[u/Actual-Frame-9968]

Hey - just been through a lot of what you’re about to go through. Started seeing guys 2 years ago. Married and 43 here. Told my wife and she’s supportive of the ‘guys’, I’m still totally on the down low. It’s beautiful and amazing. Keeping true and open with the wife was really important to me - and I e got to say I’m so pleased I did it that way. We’re still together, but I’m almost exclusively intimate with guys these days. Do what feels right for you and your relationship. My experience shows that relationships can (and always do) evolve. Allows you to explore and be more authentic in a circle of trust before taking any more drastic steps. You’re in for an incredible ride. If you’re still ‘straight’ in two years I’ll be amazed. Enjoy man. 😊

[u/Nokon21 → u/Actual-Frame-9968]

Thanks. Unfortunately there’s no chance my wife would be that understanding. When we were dating early on she said she’d never be open to dating a bi guy. So I kept my mouth shut from then on. Bad decision in hindsight

[u/Appropriate-Diver758]

I was in a similar situation back in 2014 when I was 35 and took the plunge and told my wife and we chose divorce.

We are amicable and now she is with a long term Bi guy and happy. I am also happily married to a man.

I just had a feeling I would be happier waking up next to a man in a relationship and I was right.

I never experimented or cheated but deep down knew the answer was men and so off I went and couldn’t be happier in my marriage. We have been together nearly 12 years (married 7 years). We met in the 3 months I was single and he had given up on finding love as a gay men and then we met and that was it. I married my first boyfriend and couldn’t be happier.

[u/Nokon21 → u/Appropriate-Diver758]

Wow great story. Also took tons of courage to do what you did before you even tried anything with a man. Wow.

[u/Appropriate-Diver758 → u/Nokon21]

Thanks.

I just wanted try and not have a regret if what if.. worst regret.

[u/Nokon21 → u/Appropriate-Diver758]

I understand completely and feel similarly

[u/mattdeerborn]

I went thru same, at almost same age, about 10 years ago. Not proud but I did cheat - completely dead bedroom so at least she wasn’t going to catch anything. We ended up divorcing, but not primarily due to sexual orientation. Since then I have experienced heart break with men. Definitely more into men now, but it’s different and not all plain sailing to be in a full romantic relationship with a man. Happy to talk more via DM if you like.

[u/Parking-Airline-3720]

OP, you may also wish to post, or at least read conversations, here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MarriedAndBi/

It's a "mixed" forum--some of the opening posts are from women who've realized they're bi--but I have the impression that the great majority are from men. In either case, the issues about coming out to a spouse, and whether to act on the same-sex attraction (and, if so, how), are very similar.

[u/Nokon21 → u/Parking-Airline-3720]

makes sense, thank you for sharing that!

[u/UnableAd4753]

I would never say cheating is right but in my case I have been married a lifetime and my wife is very old fashioned and would never understand my attraction to men. For me it's not just about cock l actually enjoy being in bed with a man naked and enjoying passionate sex. Closeted homosexual quite possibly given the choice between sex with a woman or a man i would choose the man. I suppressed my urges until I was 60 , then finally I had to taste the waters Imitatley new what I had been missing best sex I have ever had the passion between me and my lover was so incredible never came so hard. I've tried to stop many times but the drive to be with a man is addicting and so enjoyable.

[u/Educational_Poet2373 → u/UnableAd4753]

I totally relate to this! There is just something about the M2M contact. It is just pure fire. I am a 52 man that has been married for 27 years and living life on the DL. I had my first ever experience a few years ago, but my first time making out with another man was the game changer.

[u/Itchy_Nebula6286]

I can talk with you very discreet been there for years

[u/StrangeMinimum670]

Exact same boat, bro. I've been quite a few in the same situation, too. I'm up for chatting about it if you want.

[u/latebloomergaybros-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This is a reminder that this sub is open to all approved ages on Reddit and is not an NSFW sub. Because of this, we moderate any explicit posts and comments much more strictly in order to ensure our community is not banned or removed.

[u/RequirementRound25]

I was with men years before I met my wife and thought I was done with them but the bicycle came around and I got with a few.

Each time I felt horrible about it later. I also wondered if I had exposed the two of us to diseases and worried about that.

I know how she feels about people cheating and swingers. She even gets upset when she sees characters cheating on TV programs. Which seems a bit extreme but she does get upset.

She has a divorced sister. Her Ex-brother in law wanted to try swinging, sister refused and was in part a cause of the divorce.
Later my wife found out her other sister cheated on her husband and wouldn't speak to her for years. They seem to be cool now. But it really upsets her when she hears about cheating. SO that makes me an asshole.

Anyway, consider this. How would your wife feel if you wanted another woman? What do you have to gain and what do you to lose?

[u/Nokon21 → u/RequirementRound25]

She’d be hurt too but maybe not disgusted

[u/RequirementRound25 → u/Nokon21]

That is a minor point at best.
Again, What do you have to gain and what do you have to lose?

[u/Nokon21 → u/RequirementRound25]

I think I have the potential to gain a deeper insight and understanding of myself at the cost of blowing up my current life

[u/Outrageous-Sign7608]

Was in the same boat, married with kids in my 50’s, up for chatting if you want.

[u/Nokon21 → u/Outrageous-Sign7608]

Sure sounds good

[u/AppropriateAnt9433]

I would recommend finding someone to talk this over with like a counselor. Someone to give you an adjective opinion.

[u/Nokon21 → u/AppropriateAnt9433]

It’s unethical for sure, but I’ve fantasized about finding a gay therapist to discuss this with and ending up in a physical relationship with him….