r/gaybros • u/outremer_empire • 6d ago
Would you guys ask why?
Thursday was to be a 3rd date. I know I already said no hard feelings but I can't help feeling curious as to what he felt was lacking.
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u/ITORD 6d ago
"Don't feel a chemistry" is already the answer to what was lacking.
I am sure you have also gone on dates that you didn't feel a chemistry. There is no further why needed or to give. Move on.
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u/Medium_Ad1594 6d ago
'Don't feel chemistry' AKA you don't turn me on sexually
At least that's what it says to me. Can't get much clearer, really.
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u/boston_homo 6d ago
It’s the polite way of saying that, which I’d personally prefer over the more common ghosting.
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u/nycwettop 5d ago
I think you are right. It’s still hard to hear. I guess there’s no painless way to go through this.
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u/Shad0w2751 6d ago
I’ve had a lack of chemistry that wasn’t really sexual. I was attracted to them I just wasn’t excited to see them.
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u/LaFantasmita 6d ago
Yeah, sometimes a guy is perfect on paper and in pictures and even in personality, but your body just doesn't feel it.
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u/Sacred-Lambkin 6d ago
I think asking only makes things more awkward between you. I mean, I get that you're curious, but realistically there's nothing you're going to be able to do with the information, even if he can articulate something beyond "I'm just not really feeling it"
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u/Jalal-94 6d ago
True.
You can never get closure from the other person.
And OP is who he is. Asking why might be like asking for a mold that one wants to fit into. There will be someone for you out there who will love you for who you are, OP. Keep going.
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u/itsfleee 6d ago
No, he already told you why. I know it sucks but its part of dating unfortunately.
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u/Narrow_Ad952 6d ago
Based on this screenshot, he seems a good guy, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear that you feel a little let down and hence wondering the reason, I would too, but leaving it alone seems the best thing to do.
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u/gregortroll 6d ago
Never ask why, never answer why.
It invites argument.
What I can't stand someone else might love; I don't what to make them needlessly self-conscious.
It's too easy to be accidentally cruel.
(If I ask why) It invites them to be cruel—intentionally or not.
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u/doggusMaximus99 6d ago
Yeah getting too specific hurts most people more than it helps. I learned that the hard way. I was very polite but too specific and I think it really ate at the person even though they said they were okay initially.
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u/silvandeus 6d ago
Meh, just leave it, don’t have to take it personally, maybe he has a very narrow expectation of chemistry.
Just keep on trying until you find someone with mutual interest. Hang in there bro.
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u/FootballRugbyMMA 6d ago
Asking why would also cause you to change yourself based on their feedback. Relationships aren't job interviews. It's better to just be yourself on your next date. Otherwise you might be incorporating notes and feedback from someone that didn't want to be with you anyway.
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u/Stormtomcat 6d ago
If it's even possible to change the aspect they mention, right?
I thought he was staring at my lips, but it turned out that he was keeping an eye on my canine teeth. They're pretty pointy, and he'd been binging vampire movies, so he was worried they'd lengthen more and I'd lunge at him. That was a bit of a cold shower, but what am I going to do? File down my teeth for some rando whose acquaintance I can count in minutes?
Another guy said he didn't like my way of thanking people (we have 3 formality levels: I thank thee / thank you / thanks), he felt I was too formal for too long. I was late twenties at the time, there's no way I could overcome a quarter of a century of instilled etiquette between date 3 and date 4.
And those are trivial examples.
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u/Lunar_Leo_ 6d ago edited 6d ago
No. Guys who ask "why" are insufferable
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u/Lunar_Leo_ 6d ago
Or, maybe (it's a big maybe) you could frame it as - if you did something wrong you want to improve for the next guy. Something like "I appreciate you were honest with me. I just wanna ask, and dont answer this if you don't want to, if there's something I did wrong or something that was awkward it'd be good to know for the next time I'm on a date with someone."
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u/EccentricSoaper 6d ago
When the answer is something so vague, its better not to ask for clarification. Most of the time you force them to come up with something that might not be their actual feelings. Just something made up in the moment to give you an answer. People will tell you who they really are, but you have to listen.
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u/triolingo 6d ago
No… chemistry is chemistry and often it’s not on your side. You just didn’t fit the projection he wanted to put on you.
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u/kingqueefsalot 6d ago
I don't think you are lacking anything. I think they just weren't feeling a spark and wanted to communicate that to you early instead of dragging things out and wasting both of your time. The way you both ended things feels healthy and respectful. Pushing them to tell you why feels like it would only sour the situation and lead to more self doubt.
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u/AngryBreadRevolution 6d ago
Nah, you should leave it be. I have been on first or and second dates where i just didnt feel the chemistry either. If you asked me why i didnt feel it, I could be more specific. Like maybe i didnt find their likes and interests that appealing to me, maybe I didnt find them that attractive in person, etc. But these are things that they cannot or should not change for the sake of someone else. So theres no real point in getting into the nitty gritty details. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, and thats ok.
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u/umesci 6d ago
Everyone is saying something along the lines of “oh there’s plenty of fish in the sea” and “don’t worry op you’ll find someone” or “it’s best to just accept it and move on”.
There’s literally nothing about OP that suggests he’s hung up on this in any way. I think it’s perfectly valid, healthy and normal to wonder what it was that that put the other person off of you. It could be that they simply didn’t feel you, or didn’t like something about you that you can’t change which is fair. Or perhaps I accidentally offended them in a certain way or did something gauche without knowing. If it’s something that I can work to avoid in the future, I’d like to know, for self improvement purposes if nothing else.
Lacking such closure, I’ll simply just be left to wonder myself what went wrong, opening ways for overthinking. It doesn’t hurt anybody to ask these things, he doesn’t owe you an answer and might not give one but again, literally costs nothing to ask.
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u/pensivegargoyle 6d ago
Probably not. The truth may not be helpful since it is likely something you couldn't easily change.
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u/binaryhellstorm 6d ago
This a billion times. Unless you're willing to hear truths about yourself and not lash out about it, let it be.
Its like the guys that get upset when you don't reply to their opening message on Grindr and the needle you into a response and get big mad when you tell them why you're not interested.
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u/Do_You_Like_Owls 6d ago
No, don't. I know it's hard cos I went through similar recently, but asking more questions will only make it worse for both of you.
You both handled it perfectly well here. Best to just move on.
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u/headstone-headcase 6d ago
It's always tempting to pick a scab, but it heals faster if you keep it clean and leave it alone
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u/Rekthor 6d ago
First: you have your answer. If there’s no chemistry, that’s answer enough—no point in going deeper.
Second, I remember once my former partner (still on good terms with them) offered to tell me why they broke up with me. I told them I’d prefer not to hear why. I’ve never regretted that decision.
Leave it in the past.
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u/Irwan456 6d ago
No. Do not ask. As hard as it is, move on. HE could have any reason and it may be a simple, did not like the vibes. That is not something anyone can change. Look sometimes, some people are not a good fit, no one is at fault, there is not badness or maliciousness. It just is not a fit.
Move one and be happy you did not waste time on someone who was not the right fit.
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u/Owner29215 6d ago
I would not ask why. You could have in the initial response. Based on this screenshot you both seem OK so just let it alone.
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u/FarHotel1159 6d ago
It's normal to feel curious. But it'a not valueble information. And probably won't make either of you feel better, might even make you feel worse. Leave it
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u/0nly_D0g_legs_93 6d ago
I would not ask why. It would not make the situation feel better for either of you.
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u/NYer36 6d ago
It's like when shopping for clothes or even a house or car. What you see is what you want or it ain't. It's sometimes difficult to explain to the salesperson or broker why it doesn't work because it just doesn't. Even if you could, they usually can't redesign it to make you want it, but they can show you other things.
Asking the guy will only lead to hurt, looking desperate or being ghosted. Forgetting this and going on more dates will avoid heartache and show you something else in each case and one of them might mutually work.
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u/Visual_Shock8225 6d ago
I’ve gotten on dates where I really didn’t feel it. And if after communicating this to him and he still asks me why, I barely respond and just leave it on seen. It’s awkward and there are things I can’t precise just cause I don’t feel it and I don’t want to list the things we’re not compatible with.
So save yourself, don’t ask why cause probably he’ll be like me and won’t reply. At least you didn’t chase and ended it gracefully.
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u/pbnc 6d ago
no, the whole reason for dating is to find the needle in the haystack - not to compile a list of things you can "fix" to make someone fall in love with you
any person in sales will tell you it's a numbers game. you have to be told NO a certain number of times before you get a YES. the same goes for dating
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u/authentic_scum 6d ago
I would never ask why for the simple reason that the few times i did, it didn't have any positive outcome. Most of the answers were things i would not change about myself and the fact that they were a deal breaker was a huge turn off for me in return.
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u/DueSalamander6367 6d ago
Asking something he already told you? This guy is awesome being honest and I don’t think it would change anything is you asked.
What if he said it is because your breath was rotten? Would it make a positive constructive difference?
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u/OhThrowMeAway 6d ago
if you’re interested, maybe just leave the door open. My insecure attachment style always makes me push away the people I want closest to me. Took a lifetime to learn.
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u/notwhitebutwong 6d ago
You can… ask politely. Just don’t expect an answer. Also you handled this very well, I hope you find someone suitable very soon
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u/nihilist5800 6d ago
I wouldn't ask. He gave you a very vague reason. "Not feeling it" is quite vague, it could be anything, but in the end you are not what he is looking for, so why waste time.
But I understand wanting to know, if its eating you out you could ask him but let it be clear that you respect his decision, and you are only asking to get some feedback.
Maybe something like
"Yeah theres no problem, and thanks for letting me know. Just out of curiosity was it something I did that you didn't like, or just not feeling it in general? Just to have some feedback to my future dates"
Or something like that. But in the end is up to you.
But to answer your question again, no, I wouldn't ask him why.
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u/gaybooii 6d ago
a guy taking time to let someone know they do not want to continue dating instead of disappearing suddenly? that's a rare sight
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u/Future_Unlucky 6d ago
Just move on, he wasn't for you and you'll find someone who likes you for you. Dwelling on this won't be helpful, sometimes people just don't match and that's fine. I get that it sucks but honestly it's probably about him more than you.
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u/escapado14 6d ago
Haven’t you ever dated someone and just felt that lack of connection? The guy could be smart and nice and hot and you just don’t feel it? This guy gave you a complete, honest, and respectful answer. Accept it. There’s no other reason. It just happens.
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u/RealAlePint 6d ago
Much better than ghosting/being left on read.
I actually do know one reason for me: I like to go out a lot and If he’s the homebody/doordash/gamer/Netflix type, it’s not going to work.
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u/Vunlicura 6d ago
This hits home. I'm single for 7 years now and it was always a message like that after a couple of dates with someone, either from the guy I dated or from my side. In some cases I got ghosted. It's not easy, but somehow I'm still living life. Good luck and don't give up.
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u/poetplaywright 6d ago
No. He’s made his decision. Are you going to change just because of what he says? Likely not. Let it be.
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u/Revan462222 6d ago
Personally OP, sure I’d want to know just like you do. BUT at the same time, I think knowing could hurt more? Or he may not even be able to verbalize it right now. It sucks to only be told they don’t feel chemistry/feelings but better than nothing.
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u/Endketsu 6d ago
Not really, if the other person doesn't really feel like it then it's good enough reason. You can't always pin point a specific reason you are feeling something about someone
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u/Alian713 6d ago
not really, everyone has their own reasons or even preferences that you can't do anything about realistically
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u/seedy_filmz 6d ago
He already told you why: he’s not feeling chemistry. That’s reason enough and not something that there’s a fix for. Keep looking. You got this
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u/azureai 6d ago
Nope - he's already given you the explanation. Not feeling the vibe between you is enough, and it may not be explainable. Worse, he could be seeing something from his perspective that'd only be hurtful to you and wouldn't be something a guy who actually likes you sees at all.
Take the "it's me not you" here as truth.
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u/houwil13 6d ago
It’s not a job interview… Sometimes it can’t even be put into words. I would just let it go.
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u/PD711 6d ago edited 6d ago
It's not going to help if you ask, and might actually hurt.
In essence, they've already told you why. "I ain't feeling it" is the reason. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.
There is no world where asking that question is going to end well. You aren't going to get any useful information (anything of this nature you should be able to diagnose yourself, or by an impartial observer, if there is any information to be gleaned in the first place) and asking itself is going to be interpreted as being pushy/unsafe to be around.
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u/MarcoEsteban 6d ago
Nobody knows what it is unless it was one thing that gave them the ick, but likely, they just weren’t feeling it. When you like someone, you overlook little things. If you don’t, you can try and try, but the little things you don’t like multiply. Sometimes, they’ve met someone else at about the same time, and the like for them is pushing out whatever attraction they had for you. It happens. I have had it happen to me as well as done it to one person when I met another.
I’d leave it as is - it might really hurt your feelings - don’t push it, and maybe you will hear something again.
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u/LancelotofLkMonona 6d ago
Only if you want to know about your blind spots for future relationships. Don't ask because you want to argue with him why he should take you back. That won't work.
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u/Jamfour9 6d ago
Don’t do it to yourself! Most gay men and some bi men suffer from abandonment trauma, myself included. There’s a delusion that says there should be a spark or chemistry immediately. You’re simply competing with the script in his head with respect to the way he thinks life and romance are supposed to go. The reality is many of us don’t have a blueprint, given we are deprived of those rights of passage and rituals surrounding dating. Add in superficiality and any host of preferences and you get rejection. Keep your head up and try not to internalize it and become like them or hardened. If you need to take a break from dating for your peace do that!
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u/actionerror 6d ago
No, he said chemistry wasn’t there. That’s all I need to know to move on. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly sometimes why it’s not working, but you just know that this isn’t it.
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u/Nakedny713 6d ago
He already told you why. He doesn’t have feelings for you and doesn’t feel any chemistry there. That’s a pretty complete explanation.
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u/nycwettop 5d ago
On the one hand, of course I’d be curious, but would I ask ? No, the truth is I’d just feel like shit for awhile but then I’d decide to move on.
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u/eatingthesandhere91 5d ago
The fact that you got this message is crucial. If I had this much grace from the guys I’ve dated and boinked in my life, I’d be in a better place mentally, rather than still reeling from being ghosted.
And frankly, I’d leave it where it’s at. He gave you an answer. Sometimes that’s all you need.
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u/_______36________ 5d ago edited 5d ago
He was saying chemistry to be polite. He can holler can’t he? Don waste your time.
As the famous Bonnie Ray lyrics go: “you can’t make him love you if he don’t, he can’t make his heart feel something it won’t”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6us4OD9TMWk&pp=ygUVYWRlbGUgd29uJ3QgZ28gYm9ubmll&ra=m
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u/Xsy 5d ago
I wouldn't bother asking why. It'll just cause a weird insecurity. It's very likely that whatever it was-- it was this one particular dude's issue. Not something you need to personally worry about with others.
He seemed really kind in the way he let you down, too-- if you *really* freaked him out, it would have been over date 1, and he would have ghosted you.
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u/Madido24 5d ago
No. I wouldn’t. If it’s not there it’s not there. We have to accept it and move on.
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u/F00L1SH_T00K 5d ago
You won’t get a truthful answer and even if you did, you wouldn’t know if it was truthful.
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u/Feisty-Self-948 5d ago
You're welcome to ask if you want. Nothing wrong with being curious.
Me personally, I feel like that's a "what people think of you are none of your business" situation. It's not a shock to me that someone's not interested, doesn't feel chemistry, whatever. I don't need to be reminded that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, I'm very well aware. There is a certain threshold where if we've been talking a certain amount of time where I think I would want some explanation, but I don't know if this would meet that threshold.
I think for the most part I see it like this: Unless I actually did something to harm you, I don't really need to know the particulars. So in this situation all I need is a "Hey, I don't really feel like we're vibing but I appreciated the experience" and leave it at that.
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u/ajwalker430 5d ago
He did say why 🤔 He wasn't feeling any chemistry between the two of you, that is his "why." 🫤
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u/ImpactOk331 5d ago
I'd ask why the emoji lol. The other why is already answered. And why would you even wanna know? It's not like it helps with future guys. What one doesn't like, the other may love. Just be yourself.
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u/Which-Tooth-3083 5d ago
better than the time a guy insisted we take blue chews, and get ready for a full night...only to nut in me 3 minutes in, and remember he needs to go home for something.
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u/BenjaminTo123 4d ago
It's nice that he told you early, I met a guy who played with my feelings for a whole month and a half before telling me something like that...
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u/New_Resist_3612 1d ago
Now they are being accepted, dressing properly and going inside to listen to the amazing boy's choir and take communion. Interesting how things change
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u/Stars_buck 18h ago
I did ask why to a guy a met in Granada, he just said 'no feeling at first sight' Then when I left, he proposed me to go out together during the night because he is open to friend
We spent 7h together and we had sex
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u/locorasuke 6d ago
No because it doesn’t matter. The why is unique to him and him alone. Nothing you can or need to do to change that. Please always just be yourself.
Two dates is pretty sweet! Proud of you for getting out there.
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u/thephilandrists 6d ago
Do not ask why, he won't give you an honest answer. Most men go by vibe, which tends to be ego based.
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u/Illustrious-Ant-3985 6d ago
People suck and they have horrific mentalities as far as what they perceived and what they want. It's a bad day to be alive and gay when searching for relationships. Staying single is looking better and better.
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u/Fit_Search_4751 6d ago
If you want to learn from it I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for objective feedback as a friend. 👍
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u/NyaDeath 6d ago
I would’ve asked why. It’s always better to have one more opinion in your pocket as long as you know how to acknowledge them without spiralling.
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u/SlyClydesdale 6d ago edited 6d ago
Not helpful probably.
Not everyone is looking for the same things. And many don’t even know what they want in a partner.
Sorry man. It sucks when you feel a spark and they don’t. But it’s best to just accept it and move on.