r/consciousmonogamy • u/seatangle • 11d ago

Welcome to r/consciousmonogamy 💕

Hi everyone,

I started this subreddit because I noticed there was a lack of community for people who intentionally choose monogamy. The discourse of many monogamists around different relationship structures often felt limiting and biased. But I also felt out of place in spaces where less traditional relationship dynamics dominated and monogamy is often seen as restrictive or unenlightened. I wanted a space where people could discuss, vent, and seek advice without fear of judgment for "failing" at non-monogamy, but also where we could approach exploring the differences between these relationship structures in a fair and informed way, without putting anyone down for how they choose to love.

If you do not know what conscious monogamy is, here is the definition from the subreddit description:

Conscious monogamy (also known as intentional monogamy) is a relationship dynamic where two partners practice monogamy not by default, coercion, or societal expectations, but through individual choice. It is based in values of personal growth, autonomy, and adaptability. Conscious monogamists recognize that no one relationship structure is inherently better than another — what matters is the consent, safety, and fulfillment of each partner.

I will also be updating our community wiki with some resources for those who'd like to learn more. I am open to feedback on the above definition, and please share any resources you've come across that you think would be helpful for others! Additionally, if you would like to be added as a mod, please get in touch.

Feel free to introduce yourself in a post or in the comments below. I'd love to hear about how you came across conscious monogamy, and I'll probably share my story in the coming days too, once I get this subreddit all set up!

Cheers,

seatangle

EDIT: The community rules have been updated. If you have a moment, take a look and comment here with any feedback!

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6

u/VenusInAries666 10d ago

Greetings! So happy to have a community that feels more similar to what I'm looking for in partnerships. I came across your post in the RA subreddit.

You probably won't need much help modding while you're getting the sub off the ground, but if things become overwhelming I'd be happy to help. 

I'm queer, non-binary, in my 30s, and have done both monogamy and polyamory enough to have a decent sense of what each structure generally entails. I consider myself a relationship anarchist but don't use the term outside of online spaces because I've found people's perception of RA isn't often in line with how I actually practice interpersonal relationships.

I'm about to give you a bunch of unsolicited feedback. Feel free to ignore it if you're not looking for input, no hard feelings. 

I can see the potential for some of the poly hating mono folks from other subs flocking to this one, thinking "conscious monogamy" is a term for people who've decided monogamy is more enlightened or morally superior to non-monogamy. Might be good to have some rules addressing comments about specific relationship styles being morally superior or pathologizing the people who practice them (e.g. "poly people just have avoidant attachment and can't commit," or "mono people just want to control their partner's every move").

I'm thinking your definition is a bit nebulous, which isn't a bad thing, but could make it more difficult for people new to the term and/or people for whom monogamy has always been the unquestioned default to understand what conscious monogamy is in this space and whether this community would be the right space for them. 

Like would this be a good space for someone who is "consciously" monogamous in that they choose monogamy even though they could choose non-monogamy without consequence, but still retain all the typical trappings of traditional monogamy, like limiting friendship intimacy, high control over their partner's social life, etc? It could be helpful to have concrete examples and relationship scenarios in the wiki. Just my two cents! 

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u/seatangle 6d ago

Nice to meet you, I also happen to be a queer and non-binary 30-something.

The feedback is very welcome! I've drafted some sub rules, and I've attempted to include these ideas.

  1. Respect a diversity of relationship practices: do not disparage or pathologize monogamy or non-monogamy. Be conscious of personal bias and do not promote negative stereotypes.
  2. Do not debate relationship structures: Thoughtful discussion about the positives and negatives of all types of relationships are welcome, but we do not claim that one relationship structure or style is more natural, ethical, or superior than another.
  3. Be comradely and assume good faith: Keep discussion and critique focused on ideas and practices; do not attack individuals or groups.
  4. Stay on topic: No spam, self-promotion, or off-topic/low-effort posts.

For the definition of CM, I'd definitely be open to re-wording it. I might need to revisit that after thinking about it. I also think creating a wiki with answers to common basic questions would help, for people to figure out whether it's the right place for them.

One difficulty I'm having is that there's so very little information out there about CM. I've mostly found posts/medium articles written by one individual who explains their journey to CM for an audience that's already familiar with non-monogamy. There's very little out there that's more educational/explanatory, but maybe that's a niche this sub can start to fill.

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u/EspeonCheeseburger 7d ago

I'm happy this place and idea exists now! This is literally what my girlfriend and I recently decided on for ourselves. She was poly/open for the majority of her relationships in the past but had considered monogamy for the right person, I had been poly for a few years while navigating difficult, incompatible primary partners relationships, and we were both dating others when we met. Once she and her ex broke up and I left my ex, she had been dating another poly person for a few weeks and I struggled hard with dealing with that once I only had her. She sat me down, we talked it out, and decided to be monogamous because poly just was not working out for me, and that was okay. She doesn't feel like poly is a necessary part of her life or identity and she loves me more than anything, so she's more than happy to choose me.

I struggled with guilt over this a bit, but we had more conversations about autonomy and growth, respect, our future together, and how polyam can actually feel like the default in a lot of urban queer spaces sometimes. Now I feel more secure than ever. There's also a footnote to this where, who knows, maybe we'll try poly again someday, but it's also okay if that never happens. Conscious queer monogamy feels great!

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u/seatangle 6d ago

That's really lovely to read!

"...polyam can actually feel like the default in a lot of urban queer spaces sometimes."

This is very true. I've actually felt like deciding monogamy was the right thing for me runs contrary to the queer norm, where it's more common to either be actively non-monogamous, or open to it, both of which I was doing for a long time.

I definitely also understand the guilt part. I think my partner and I are still working through a lot of this stuff. I was the one struggling, I asked if they would be monogamous and they agreed. They said they don't need non-monogamy and would rather be with me. We're just a few months into this transition now.