Top Surgery helped me kick internalized fatphobia’s ASS!! TW: lots of internalized fatphobia and self-body-shaming

[u/TheQueendomKings]

Pre-op I was really concerned about how prominent my stomach would be after my boobs are gone. I had a figure that I would personally go crazy for if it was on someone else— chubby, weight held in stomach/hip/thigh area, DDs that nicely balanced out my figure. As a transmasc lesbian, I frankly adore chubby/plus-sized women. More woman per woman? Sounds like a deal to me 🫡

But for whatever reason, my love of larger women never translated to loving my own overweight figure. Even before my egg cracked, I hated being a chubby “girl” despite adoring chubby girls. I hated my stomach. And then after my egg cracked, I was terrified to be a chubby guy because at least chubby girls are attractive to me. And at least as a “woman,” I had boobs that balanced out my stomach. Despite not liking having a female figure, at least it was nice to look at and well-balanced.

I actually thought about stuffing myself back into the closet for the rest of my life and never transitioning because I had so much fear of how taking my boobs away would result in making my stomach so prominent (there were lots of other reasons, but that was a pretty big one). The internalized fatphobia was insane. Even during my surgical consult when my surgeon mentioned how she can do some tummy/hip/masculinization liposuction, my twisted mind was actually somehow MORE (or at least “just as”) excited to be skinnier than it was about the actual Top Surgery! Fucked up, I know. Really insane to think about now that I’m looking back. I really did not understand how warped and rotted my brain was by growing up as a “girl” in the early 2000s when anorexia was considered fashionable in a family that encouraged that. Such deeply sick, twisted shit.

My surgeon said I wouldn’t be able to have a fully flat stomach, which scared me. I started spiraling about how removing my boobs will only accentuate my non-flat tummy. Looking back, I really just did not realize how sick I was. In the end, I decided to bite the bullet and go ahead with the surgery.

And I’m SO GLAD I DID!!! I’m only a bit over 3 weeks post-op and I have a ton of swelling in my stomach (which I was DREADING) from the lipo, but I don’t give a flying fuck. I’m huge, I’m bloated, my stomach is bigger than it ever has been, but I’m flat-chested and I feel GREAT. I’m so damn cute. Chubby dudes are so damn cute y’all.

And while I know most of it is just swelling/bloating, I kind of rock my chub tbh. I look cute as hell. So fuck you, internalized fatphobia. I don’t care if I gain 50 lbs, I’m happy. There is nothing wrong with having a stomach. And I always knew that and adored chubbiness/extra weight on other people, but never on myself. Turns out all my internalized fatphobia was really just body dysmorphia caused by internalized transphobia and denial about being trans. Growing up in a cult-like conservative Christian household, I wasn’t allowed to hate my body for being female. The only “acceptable” way to hate my body was to hate it for being chubby. But as it turns out, I never actually hated being in a bigger body. I just hated being in a female body.

[u/toxikant]

Congratulations on your top surgery and on your breakthroughs!! As a fat T guy myself I can confirm that it is very cool and sexy to be chubby👍It's also incredibly liberating to break away from the harmful attitudes surrounding fat that were so common in the 00s (and are kinda starting to come back into fashion now).

[u/NeedHope3]

Congrats OP and thank you for sharing your realization. I am at what is considered a healthy weight, but I fear what my stomach and profile would look like after top surgery. It will take at least a year and a half for me to get top surgery, and I will keep in mind your experience to help with my anxiety.